How do I fix this problem?

[The LadyKiller]

I was hoping my theory about my recent lady struggles at my new location wasn't true. Unfortunately, it IS true - and I need to find a way to fix it.

Some background: I work at a large company in the middle-of-nowhere. Due to everyone relocating for the job, virtually everyone we know is from work (it's similar to a college campus). As a result of this and a lot of us being in our early 20s, there are a lot of co-worker "relations," a lot of parties, etc.

The problem: Months ago, I got along rather well with a certain HB and things were going smoothly with other girls too. However, she had a close friend who, for reasons unknown, really disliked me. This friend left the company on bad terms. But before she did, she (seemingly) fed HB some damaging lies about me, and HB won't even say hi to me anymore.

This usually isn't a big deal, but HB is now in the "popular"(?) group of girls who are involved in parties we have, etc. As a result, I am getting blacklisted from these events. Events that would help enhance my social life. After one of these incidents (went to a party, she gave everyone else a VIP pass but not me), I gently approached her about any possible tensions a few months ago (is there an issue?), she lied and said no. I haven't seen much of her since and had moved on (unaware of the social implications).

The situation is about to come to a head. HB and a couple of her friends are putting together a big holiday party. I was conveniently left off the invite list. However, HB and her friends aren't the brightest people - we have many mutual friends.

A couple of my good friends are the more "popular"(?) guys from a social standpoint. They get along rather well with these girls. They immediately told me about the party and said that I can roll with them. I would absolutely want to go to the big party, but will my presence cause WWIII once HB sees me? Keep in mind said party is at her (and her friends') house.

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Furthermore, is there anything I can try and do to successfully smooth over the tensions HB has with me? One of my friends says that "we know there's definitely a beef," that this situation will continue to repeat itself and that it's not doing me any favors socially. I have no ill will towards HB, I'd like to resolve the issue. He suggested I invite and meet HB at the work cafeteria to see what's going on. I could do this, but she might reject my invitation and continue her Cold War.

What do you suggest I do?

 

[NotoriousGRK]

Hi,

To get to the point of advising you:

If this "friend" of hers lies and that one that you liked believed it your relationship would be dependent on the "friend" and the day she is having. This appears to be her problem since she is friends with one who lies, some friend she is.

I had a friend who was around such a person and no matter how silly the lie was he believed it!

The friend, from what you are telling us, is a disturbed individual and there is something deeper going on in their friendship which seems toxic.

As for you, if you want to approach and say whats up and it goes better than expected then good. Just remember that you may keep her at arms length due to that friend of hers wielding such an influence over her reality!

If you want to avoid her if there is nothing in common that would be better for your peace of mind and it may well be the last you would deal with her and that friend of hers.

 

[The LadyKiller]

I don't disagree that HB has some sort of problem, as she seems to completely eat what her friend is feeding her. This toxic friend isn't even in the area anymore.

Again though, I get the feeling she has become, in a sense, a "gatekeeper" for social happenings, and because of this beef we have, I'm getting shunned from social events that hurt my social life. While I have no animosity towards her, she clearly has a big problem with me.

The two questions I have:
- Would attending the party described earlier cause a problem (I'd be going with some of my friends who also get along with HB and her friends)?
- What's the best way to come to a resolution with this HB so the cycle doesn't repeat itself? I hate the fact she has any sort of social leverage here. But because other people have noticed the pattern, I think something needs to be done.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I'd use a mediator. Find someone who is good friends with HB and ask them if they know what is going on. Maybe they will ask her and she will feel better talking to them. If they speak to her positively about you, follow up with a short conversation with her. Maybe apologize for the confusion... don't mention getting invited to parties...

 

[The LadyKiller]

I'd use a mediator. Find someone who is good friends with HB and ask them if they know what is going on. Maybe they will ask her and she will feel better talking to them. If they speak to her positively about you, follow up with a short conversation with her. Maybe apologize for the confusion... don't mention getting invited to parties...

Not bad. Although I would much prefer to handle it myself, this could be the best option if HB is unwilling to listen to me. Besides the obvious reason of me cleaning up my own mess, I wouldn't settle for her bs "nothing's wrong" excuse that a friend may buy.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Remember if you use a mediator that person is also in a way vouching for you. She can have a frank conversation about you with someone she feels comfortable with. If they say yes this guy is cool, it's not the same as you telling her "hey trust me i'm cool..." I'm actually pretty curious about what the other girl told her.

It's amazing how much S H I T people can talk.

Just yesterday a girl I have been sleeping with goes to this local coffee shop I visit every morning. Very cute girls work there, we have gone together a handful of times. Well one of the girls there tells her I have something going on with one of the cutest blondies there. Now I do make small talk while they make my coffee, but that's it and that's with everyone who serves me there. I actually had been planning to go early one day and finally get her name and number...

Whatever...

Point is people are capable of just lying for the sake of lying and nothing else. Just to have something to talk about even.

I'm debating speaking with her manager...

 

[NotoriousGRK]

I don't disagree that HB has some sort of problem, as she seems to completely eat what her friend is feeding her. This toxic friend isn't even in the area anymore.

Oh.. ok if they are close enough there would be some sort of communication, an opportunity for her to listen to her friend's rubbish. If she is out of the country though that would be better, if in outer space even better...

Again though, I get the feeling she has become, in a sense, a "gatekeeper" for social happenings, and because of this beef we have, I'm getting shunned from social events that hurt my social life. While I have no animosity towards her, she clearly has a big problem with me.

That may well be spot on. Lets talk about who might attend there. Some might be her close ones, ones that are getting close to her, acquaintances and new peeps. So you can make your own social activities and invite a couple of people and take it from there. If it works out good, if not talk to others. You may even just change your jobs and relocate back to where you were before.

The two questions I have:
- Would attending the party described earlier cause a problem (I'd be going with some of my friends who also get along with HB and her friends)?

I dont know about that one. You can talk to a friend or friends who you know you can trust and tell them what is on your mind about the party and the situation with the girl. Maybe they will encourage you to come and have fun and even stick up for you if she murmurs to people "what was he doing there last night!?". Maybe they would suggest for you lot to go to some other place.

- What's the best way to come to a resolution with this HB so the cycle doesn't repeat itself? I hate the fact she has any sort of social leverage here. But because other people have noticed the pattern, I think something needs to be done.

If she gets in your face or spreads lies about you, you may just talk to your manager. Not very DJ from what I have been reading, however, if working in peace and enjoying social outings with them is important its better to talk about it with the manager.

She may just be a sad case who wants someone to crawl after her and cause uncalled for drama. She may be even doing that in her own close group.

Again, consider relocating as well

That is my opinion.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Appreciate the feedback.

I'm not relocating - nor would I even consider it - so that's out Notorious. My job is great. Where we work is a strange place - everyone we see and know is from work. It's like a large college campus since so many employees are in their early 20s.

SgtSplacker - I took you up on your advice regarding a mediator, a mutual friend of ours. He agrees with my perspective and understands the possible conflicts if the same behavior persists. He'll see what he can do. But if not, I'm ready to settle things myself, if an opportunity becomes available.

We have many of the same friends, so if she continues her petty ways (and letting it be known to an extent), I'm afraid people will begin taking sides. There's no need for that, especially when I have no idea where her animosity comes from.

 

[Trump]

A couple of my good friends are the more "popular"(?) guys from a social standpoint. They get along rather well with these girls. They immediately told me about the party and said that I can roll with them. I would absolutely want to go to the big party, but will my presence cause WWIII once HB sees me? Keep in mind said party is at her (and her friends') house.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Furthermore, is there anything I can try and do to successfully smooth over the tensions HB has with me? One of my friends says that "we know there's definitely a beef," that this situation will continue to repeat itself and that it's not doing me any favors socially. I have no ill will towards HB, I'd like to resolve the issue. He suggested I invite and meet HB at the work cafeteria to see what's going on. I could do this, but she might reject my invitation and continue her Cold War.

What do you suggest I do?

Come on bro, don't be a drama queen, WWIII, Cold War? It's a chick in your office who you have not physically touched or had relations with. What are you going to do if the chick you marry and divorce takes half your money? End of the time as we know it?

Have one of your good friends talk to the girl. If they have any social value with them, they should be able to smooth things over. I don't know why you would want to associate with girls who believe anything...probably because they are ridiculously hot, which is a good reason

 

[The LadyKiller]

Come on bro, don't be a drama queen, WWIII, Cold War?

Occasionally I'll write such things to attract fellow posters.

Have one of your good friends talk to the girl. If they have any social value with them, they should be able to smooth things over. I don't know why you would want to associate with girls who believe anything...probably because they are ridiculously hot, which is a good reason

They are attractive. The real reason is our company is a tight-knit community even though the number of early 20s employees is quite big. All things work-related are great, but I don't want any serious conflicts to arise when it comes to social events. If HB continues to hold a grudge over nothing, there will be a divide between our many mutual friends. I don't want that.

I spoke to one mutual friend about it. He says he will talk to her.