How do I deal with this?

[Purple-Haze]

Throwing a fit may not be a good idea.

She may have to be more "covert" in her approach. Enough of this and he may get the point.

You figure out the best approach Lishy (you know him best). What sort of negative stimulus do you think he will respond to

You obviously misread what i wrote

My bad. I did indeed misread your post.

 

[Mistic]

Can I do anything to stop this from happening?

Stop what from happening? Him making his own decisions about wanting to talk to you or not?

Some guys, like me dont like GF's constantly trying to talk everyday. Like Chris Rock said, "Fvck me, Fed me, and shut the Fvck up." It may seem a little harsh but it's pretty accurate.

What was so important that you had to talk to him?

Get him to register here, and we'll get this guy into shape sosuave style.

BTW, you girls seem pretty cool, but is this a typical LS thread. I am curious as to what kind of nonsense you are used to hearing over there. When you ask us questions here, expect some tough answers. If you can hang with that, you'll do fine. If you are looking for some consolation with boy problems, you may not get the answers you are hoping for.

In general, the respected women here post in threads where they can contribute a relevant and valuable incite for men and women who are trying to improve themselves. They don't start many threads asking how to deal with guys strange behavior, and there's a reason for it.

I'm not discouraging you from posting whatever you want, but try also to get a sense of what is really going on here. There are many threads that confuse the real purpose of this site. If you look deep enough you will find it, and hopefully have something to contribute. It can take a while to really tune in to the true value of this place.

 

[Mistic]

You need to teach him that this isn't cool - that if he behaves like this, there will be consequences.

Beh. I don't mean to offend (I just realized I was making it sound as if you were training a dog)... But really, that's what it is. You have to TRAIN him.

This is what a man does. You guys can take this BS back to LS. Like you girls really want a trained guy. Come on. Quit wasting time and space here with this total feminist non-sense.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Stop what from happening? Him making his own decisions about wanting to talk to you or not?

Some guys, like me dont like GF's constantly trying to talk everyday. Like Chris Rock said, "Fvck me, Fed me, and shut the Fvck up." It may seem a little harsh but it's pretty accurate.

What was so important that you had to talk to him?

Get him to register here, and we'll get this guy into shape sosuave style.

BTW, you girls seem pretty cool, but is this a typical LS thread. I am curious as to what kind of nonsense you are used to hearing over there. When you ask us questions here, expect some tough answers. If you can hang with that, you'll do fine. If you are looking for some consolation with boy problems, you may not get the answers you are hoping for.

In general, the respected women here post in threads where they can contribute a relevant and valuable incite for men and women who are trying to improve themselves. They don't start many threads asking how to deal with guys strange behavior, and there's a reason for it.

I'm not discouraging you from posting whatever you want, but try also to get a sense of what is really going on here. There are many threads that confuse the real purpose of this site. If you look deep enough you will find it, and hopefully have something to contribute. It can take a while to really tune in to the true value of this place.

Are you saying that she shouldn't be posting here with this?

 

[Purple-Haze]

This is what a man does. You guys can take this BS back to LS. Like you girls really want a trained guy. Come on. Quit wasting time and space here with this total feminist non-sense.

She stated that he is great in all other areas. She also said she wanted to deal with this somehow and he is not responsive to her wanting to talk about it.

What else can she do to deal with this?

 

[Mistic]

She stated that he is great in all other areas. She also said she wanted to deal with this somehow and he is not responsive to her wanting to talk about it.

What else can she do to deal with this?

My best advice here for you ladies,seriously, is to read up on the posts written by real men here, study how these men think and behave, and find one out there in the world, if you can. If you are dating a substandard guy, or someone who is not interested in you, you have no reason to complain. If this guy was valid and valued you, he would be willing to work it out.

 

[Purple-Haze]

My best advice here for you ladies,seriously, is to read up on the posts written by real men here, study how these men think and behave, and find one out there in the world, if you can. If you are dating a substandard guy, or someone who is not interested in you, you have no reason to complain. If this guy was valid and valued you, he would be willing to work it out.

I agree with you on this.

Lishy has said that things are otherwise fine. Perhaps she was looking for some perspective on the issue.

Some people would eventually drop someone like him (after repeated failed attempts to address the issue), she wants to continue trying. I don't see why her posting this Q is out of line with the SS philosophy.

 

[ketostix]

What else can she do to deal with this?

She could stop going out maybe? while I personally think this is unreasonable and I bet her BF does too that's why he won't address it and instead gives the silent treatment. My guess is he believes that he as cause to not want her going to a bar without him since he probably believes she'll get 10 times as much attention at a bar than he would and it's 10 times easier to hook it up. So you can understand why some guys are insecure about that and can justify a double standard of it being OK if they go out. Besides it's much worse for a girl to cheat than a guy. Although that sort of decreases the liklihood somewhat that a GF will cheat out of the blue s opposed to a guy.

 

[Mistic]

She also said she wanted to deal with this somehow and he is not responsive to her wanting to talk about it.

What else can she do to deal with this?

When someone disappointed with a person and "wants to talk about it" all that means is that they want to force their beliefs and expectations on that person. You may think you are trying to work something out, but you really just want the guy to be in line with your expectations. ANd even if that happens, you are still not happy with him.

You ladies have to learn to let go of all expectations with people. Expecting someone to meet your standards is violence. And you dont even really know why
you feel disappointed. It is just easier to look at him as the cause, and then you can make sense of your feelings. This will not help you.

Any of this registering before I spend any more time on this.

 

[Purple-Haze]

She could stop going out maybe? while I personally think this is unreasonable and I bet her BF does too that's why he won't address it and instead gives the silent treatment. My guess is he believes that he as cause to not want her going to a bar without him since he probably believes she'll get 10 times as much attention at a bar than he would and it's 10 times easier to hook it up. So you can understand why some guys are insecure about that and can justify a double standard of it being OK if they go out. Besides it's much worse for a girl to cheat than a guy. Although that sort of decreases the liklihood somewhat that a GF will cheat out of the blue s opposed to a guy.

Are you serious?

So it's OK for him to go out, but not for her? A guy who is that insecure (one who gets passive every time she goes out) is a wimp (sorry Lishy!) - do you think a DJ would behave like this? Do you think he'd be such a freakin' chump and go silent and not tell her what's up?

If he were a real man, he'd tell her what was up. He wouldn't just sit there and try to make her figure out what's going on.

 

[Lishy]

So Mistic are you saying that I need to just not expect anything from him and just either deal with what he does or leave him?

I suppose it makes sense, I wouldnt want to bully him to change him I just cant see the problem with him admitting he has an issue with me going out.

If he was an ******* in other ways it would be easy for me to forget him and move on, but he isnt and I do love this guy

I am sorry if you feel I am out of place here Mistic, but dont think you will bully me out of here as you wont!

 

[Mistic]

after repeated failed attempts to address the issue), she wants to continue trying. I don't see why her posting this Q is out of line with the SS philosophy.

But what is the real motivation behind her attempt? Do you think she even knows? Do you truthfully know why you do and think the things you do?

As for the SS philosophy, there is no such thing. Philosophy is an attempt to capture truth, like capturing a man. You see a rose and you want to pick it, to capture it, and poses it. You get the rose, but it is a dead thing now. That is the problem with most LTR's, Lishy's included.

The real SS and DJ lifestyle is more of a Zen Happening. But people still deeply in the Matrix can see it. They want to possess the rose. ANd when it wilts, they make posts complaining about it and asking for advice on how to revive it. Too late, you already picked it. It is dying and no amount of water will help.

 

[Purple-Haze]

When someone disappointed with a person and "wants to talk about it" all that means is that they want to force their beliefs and expectations on that person. You may think you are trying to work something out, but you really just want the guy to be in line with your expectations. ANd even if that happens, you are still not happy with him.

You ladies have to learn to let go of all expectations with people. Expecting someone to meet your standards is violence. And you dont even really know why
you feel disappointed. It is just easier to look at him as the cause, and then you can make sense of your feelings. This will not help you.

Any of this registering before I spend any more time on this.

I agree with you to an extent. Sometimes, trying to get a person to meet your expectations is futile. However, sometimes you can (if you approach it the right way). Firstly, it depends on how heavily invested the person is. Secondly, you have to consider how settled in their ways they are (i.e. a 45 year old man who enjoys being single, having sex with multiple women is not likely to ask me to marry him - expecting him to pop the question is pointless in this case).

But sometimes, when two people value each other, you do reflect on your actions and you do try to meet the other person halfway (IF their expectations are reasonable).

In Lishy's case, I do not think her expectations are outrageous. She would like a partner who does not get passive every time she spends time with her friends. She has not mentioned any other problems in her R, therefore, this is an otherwise healthy, balanced relationship.

Why is it unreasonable for her to want her mate to communicate with her?

 

[Mistic]

So Mistic are you saying that I need to just not expect anything from him and just either deal with what he does or leave him?

I suppose it makes sense, I wouldnt want to bully him to change him I just cant see the problem with him admitting he has an issue with me going out.

If he was an ******* in other ways it would be easy for me to forget him and move on, but he isnt and I do love this guy

I am sorry if you feel I am out of place here Mistic, but dont think you will bully me out of here as you wont!

I actually really like you Lishy, which is the only reason I am dialogging with you here. You just need to be you, and forget getting this guy to admit or change anything. The truth is that a really cool guy is hard to find, and you will not find him until you are totally worthy. (Not judging you here) All you can do is improve yourself so you are ready for that person. Trying to change someone into that person will never work.

 

[Mistic]

Why is it unreasonable for her to want her mate to communicate with her?

Want is the same as desire, the root of all problems. Obviously clear communication is essential to any relationship. She might pick up a book on Non Violent Communication, which teaches effective ways to express your needs, while allowing the other space to not feel pressured. But is this guy really worthy of clear, straightforward communication? If he was, there may not be this problem. She is either communicating poorly, or he has no interest in communicating.

 

[Lishy]

Ok Mistic can I just ask you what you think I should do right now?

Should I not call him? Should I call and ask to talk about it? Should I call and act like nothing has happened? Should I end it as he wont change?

I need some solid imput here Mr!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Purple-Haze]

Want is the same as desire, the root of all problems. Obviously clear communication is essential to any relationship. She might pick up a book on Non Violent Communication, which teaches effective ways to express your needs, while allowing the other space to not feel pressured. But is this guy really worthy of clear, straightforward communication? If he was, there may not be this problem. She is either communicating poorly, or he has no interest in communicating.

Well that is a question only Lishy can answer.

If she wants to hold on to him, she has three options (as I see it): (1) continue as she has been doing - meaning, let him get away with being passive, (2) try to talk to him and deal with the likelihood of resistance or (3) use reinforcements to obtain the results she wants.

 

[Nighthawk]

How about texting him while you are out, 'Hi babe, having a great time but looking forward to seeing you on xxxxday. Call if you like x'

 

[Lishy]

I have spoken to him about his in many different ways

I have spoken to him about it I have shouted at him about it I have ignored him and every single time he has denied the reasons

Right now I want to text him and tell him to call me when he thinks he can get over trying to punish me for going out with silence

I am getting angry now

 

[Lishy]

How about texting him while you are out, 'Hi babe, having a great time but looking forward to seeing you on xxxxday. Call if you like x'

I would be sending it to a phone that has been switched off!

I have just remembered that he mentioned us seeing each other on Sunday. He is such an a*shole!

I find it very hard to be passive as I was passive for years and it got me no where

This is like banging my head on a brick wall