How do I deal with this?

[Lishy]

Hiya

I wonder if you men here can offer a bit of insight to this.

My BF of 2 years always causes some kind of conflict when I am going out with my girl friends.

He will never admit to this but by hook or by crook he will cause some sort of upset on the day I am going out.

On Saturday my friend was coming down from far away and I had arranged a babysitter so I could go out with her as we have not been out for over a year. He knew how excited I was but on Saturday I tried to ring him (we speak every day) and his phone was off! He kept it off all day and didnt call me on Sunday at all. Remember we speak every day so this is very unusual.

Now he had his kids down and seeing as he never admits to it he will just say that his kids were down and he wanted to spend time with them without the phone ringing. This is not true as he normally keeps his phone on but he uses this excuse when I call him on it.

He does something every single time I go out.

I really dont want us to break up as we are very happy as a rule

Can I do anything to stop this from happening?

 

[Purple-Haze]

Lishy, do you feel that this is some sort of passive aggressive way for him to express disapproval of your enjoying a night out without him?

 

[KontrollerX]

What places do you go with your girl friends Lishy?

Do you ever invite him along?

In anycase if the guy is really bothered by this its his own damned fault.

He should of created a list for himself of dealbreakers before getting into a relationship to filter out traits and actions in a partner that he would not want.

 

[Lishy]

Yes, in a way I do and yet he does not show signs of a controlling nature in any other areas

I have lived in a controlling abusive relationship so my eyes are wide open to it. This is the only concern I have and it is a BIG concern

I worry that I will get to a stage that I wont want to go out as he will punish me with silence, if that makes sense?

 

[Purple-Haze]

Yes, in a way I do and yet he does not show signs of a controlling nature in any other areas

I have lived in a controlling abusive relationship so my eyes are wide open to it. This is the only concern I have and it is a BIG concern

I worry that I will get to a stage that I wont want to go out as he will punish me with silence, if that makes sense?

So you're saying this is the ONLY area in which he gives you the silent treatment?

How often do you go out without him? Has he verbalized that doesn't want you to go out without him? How does he behave once you call/see him after you've come home? Have any of his previous partners cheated on him? Have you ever cheated on a partner? Does he have a group of friends that he spends time with? Would you say he is the "independent" type or does he spend a great deal of time with you?

Just some Qs to consider.

 

[Lishy]

What places do you go with your girl friends Lishy?

I just go to the local pubs and no I dont invite him as its a girls night out - I dont get the chance to go out very often due to sitters, and I use most of my sitter time with him

Do you ever invite him along?

no, he wouldnt want to come anyway as it is girls only

In anycase if the guy is really bothered by this its his own damned fault.

He should of created a list for himself of dealbreakers before getting into a relationship to filter out traits and actions in a partner that he would not want.

I agree but the fact is that he wont even admit it! He just makes lame excuses for his behaviour and insists that he was not being funny and that I just took it like that.

It is now Monday morning and I have not heard from him.

I refuse to ring him, he turned his phone off and he is the one acting like a child so he can make the effort to call!!!!!! But by doing this I am playing games and it makes me feel sick when it is like this.

Oh what do I do ????????????????????????????????????????

 

[Purple-Haze]

I agree but the fact is that he wont even admit it! He just makes lame excuses for his behaviour and insists that he was not being funny and that I just took it like that.

It is now Monday morning and I have not heard from him.

I refuse to ring him, he turned his phone off and he is the one acting like a child so he can make the effort to call!!!!!! But by doing this I am playing games and it makes me feel sick when it is like this.

Oh what do I do ????????????????????????????????????????

Do like you've posted. Do not dignify his actions with a call. By calling him, you are letting him know that his behaviour is OK.

If this continues, you are going to have to discuss it with him and try to get an answer out of him.

 

[sosilky]

$

he seems unreasonable if you don't go out allot. if his phones been off for a few days there may be an issue with the phone. i'm sure your not the only person he needs to talk too.

 

[Lishy]

So you're saying this is the ONLY area in which he gives you the silent treatment?

How often do you go out without him?

Maybe once a month
Has he verbalized that doesn't want you to go out without him?

Never! and he acts like it is fine and then pulls some crazy move and when I talk to him about it he denies it!
How does he behave once you call/see him after you've come home?

He acts like its all good but I know it isnt
Have any of his previous partners cheated on him?

Not that I know if and we are pretty open with each otherHave you ever cheated on a partner?

Never and he has no reason not to trust meDoes he have a group of friends that he spends time with? Would you say he is the "independent" type or does he spend a great deal of time with you?

Yes he has lots of friends and he does go out with them and see them alot and I never cause him a problem when he doesJust some Qs to consider.

I wonder if there is anything I could do about this - I feel really anxious now as I am starting to get mad, and I hate feeling this way!

 

[Lishy]

Do like you've posted. Do not dignify his actions with a call. By calling him, you are letting him know that his behaviour is OK.

If this continues, you are going to have to discuss it with him and try to get an answer out of him.

I have tried to talk to him about it a few times and he just denies there is a problem

He will probbaly say he left his phone at a friends (he has said this before) or some other lame reason

He will never say he was upset I was going out

Maybe I am wrong but it is a bit too much of a coincidence that it happens virtually every time I go out!

 

[Purple-Haze]

I wonder if there is anything I could do about this - I feel really anxious now as I am starting to get mad, and I hate feeling this way!

Hmmm...

Are you certain that he is deliberately ignoring you? He does this EVERY SINGLE time? Can it be a case of selective memory on your part (you remember the times when he does this and forget the times when he's totally cool)?

I understand how you're feeling. I'd be upset too. However, being anxious and angry isn't going to solve your problem. You need to sort this out with him Lishy.

While I think you should give him a dose of his own medicine, you might consider calling him. I realized, after thinking about it, that you may want to deal with it now. You have a strong case at the moment (you can call him on his behaviour). If you wait, he can continue to deny that anything is wrong.

If he's cool in all other areas, something is definitely off.

 

[Lishy]

he seems unreasonable if you don't go out allot. if his phones been off for a few days there may be an issue with the phone. i'm sure your not the only person he needs to talk too.

I do feel it is unreasonable, like he punishes me

He was probably turning his phone on when he needed to call someone

In my heart I know he has done this deliberately

 

[Purple-Haze]

I have tried to talk to him about it a few times and he just denies there is a problem

He will probbaly say he left his phone at a friends (he has said this before) or some other lame reason

He will never say he was upset I was going out

Maybe I am wrong but it is a bit too much of a coincidence that it happens virtually every time I go out!

I don't mean to stir shiet up... Do you have any reason to believe he's cheating on you (spending time with another while you are away)?

 

[sosilky]

$

I think the only advice I acn give you is what people give me here. And that is to move on to the next one because he is making you feel this way. But I understand what you are going through be cause I think your contemplating if you are right or not for feeling this way. which is torture.

 

[Lishy]

I don't mean to stir shiet up... Do you have any reason to believe he's cheating on you (spending time with another while you are away)?

I would bet my last penny that he is not cheating on me - Plus he had his kids down this weekend.

I need to know how I can stop this behaviour!

 

[BlakeW5]

Purple-haze nailed it. Don't reward bad behavior (juvenile silent-treatments) by calling him and showing him it gets to you. He's just being insecure. I can understand why he may be bothered by it as pubs/bars practically guarantee that you'll be hit on by all sorts of guys. I'd say he fears you'll be unfaithful. I'd say to talk to him about the issue, but he doesn't seem like the type who would open-up and make for a useful discussion.

Your guy just reminds me so much of every guy in my hometown. When they go out with their buds it's no big deal. When their girl goes out with her friends it tears them up (even though they won't admit it) and then they refuse to take action, whether from pride or stubborness, to rectify the situation.

However, don't give up on hanging with your friends. If it bothers him that much he needs to either open up to you or get over it.

 

[sosilky]

I need to know how I can stop this behaviour!

You have to punsh him. And not by throwing a fit. You have to withdraw your attention. This will shock him. easier said then done but it willl work. then you can explain to him why you you've puled back.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I would bet my last penny that he is not cheating on me - Plus he had his kids down this weekend.

I need to know how I can stop this behaviour!

Best way to stop it: reward and punishment.

Whatever you are doing, you are signaling to him that it is OK to behave in this fashion. I suspect he does this, you get mad and are a little short with him then everything goes back to normal.

You need to teach him that this isn't cool - that if he behaves like this, there will be consequences.

Beh. I don't mean to offend (I just realized I was making it sound as if you were training a dog)... But really, that's what it is. You have to TRAIN him. He obviously doesn't have the sense to figure this out himself.

If this is insurmountable, I would talk to him again and if he refuses to hear you, you may want to consider your options at that point.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You have to punsh him. And not by throwing a fit. You have to withdraw your attention. This will shock him. easier said then done but it willl work. then you can explain to him why you you've puled back.

Throwing a fit may not be a good idea.

She may have to be more "covert" in her approach. Enough of this and he may get the point.

You figure out the best approach Lishy (you know him best). What sort of negative stimulus do you think he will respond to?

 

[sosilky]

Throwing a fit may not be a good idea.

She may have to be more "covert" in her approach. Enough of this and he may get the point.

You figure out the best approach Lishy (you know him best). What sort of negative stimulus do you think he will respond to

You obviously misread what i wrote