How do i deal with this girl? (long)

[Krassus]

I'm 20 and the girl in question is 18. She's from my city, but i met her through her online blog just over a month ago. I would have met her in person by now, but she's currently visiting her family in another country, and won't be back for many months.

I'm not particularly interested in her - she's really good looking, intelligent, sweet and all that, but i'm not sure if i'd want to date her. However, i DEFINITELY want to keep that option open to myself when she returns here. But that's where i'm having trouble.

To put it lightly, her behavior is a little confusing, and that's coming from someone who's used to these things. When she first met me, she kept saying how lucky she is to have met someone like me, and even updated her blog with an entry about me. From where i was standing, it seemed like she was starting to get into me.

And believe me when i say that i'm not the type who ruins these things. Most guys would have been obscessed with her by now, but i'm pretty calm. I usually wait for her to message me first, and so forth. But i'm friendly with her and made it known to her that i'd consider dating her when she gets back.

But like i said earlier, her treatment of me seems to swing back and forth. What i'm referring to in particular are the two occasions prior to tonight, when i messaged her and didn't get a reply. The first time i ignored it, the second time i told her it upset me (big mistake, i know) and the third was tonight.

So as the saying goes: first time's an accident, second a coincidence, third a conspiracy. So something's going on. Either she realized that if she continues being overly nice to me i'll no longer want her, or she no longer gives a damn about me. So i have a choice to make.

Either i tell her tomorrow that if she pulls something like that one more time, she'll never hear from me again, or ignore it and wait for her to message me.

Each of these has it's own ups and downs. If i confront her, i'll find out once and for all what's going on. It'll also demonstrate confidence, as i'm willing to risk losing her by confronting her. On the downside, it'll show i care enough to let it get to me.

If i let it slide, it'll show that i have other options and don't really care about the way she treats me. But it can also look like i don't have the balls to stand up to her and tell her such behavior will not be tolerated. Which can lead to more of the same old thing.

That about sums it up. Thanks for reading, and if you have ANY suggestions, ideas or criticizms, don't hesitate to post away.

 

[dontmindme]

Most guys would have been obscessed with her by now, but i'm pretty calm.

What i'm referring to in particular are the two occasions prior to tonight, when i messaged her and didn't get a reply. The first time i ignored it, the second time i told her it upset me (big mistake, i know) and the third was tonight.

I'm not particularly interested in her

Either i tell her tomorrow that if she pulls something like that one more time, she'll never hear from me again, or ignore it and wait for her to message me.

Your post is full of contradictions.

Anyways, your blowing things out of proportion. Just because she doesn't respond doesn't mean anything. I've had good friends not reply to instant messages, but it doesn't mean **** because they might be away from the computer.

But yeah, don't lie to yourself about your interest and say stuff like how you're not obssessed. Let the reader judge for himself. It looks kinda silly.

Just be patient wait for a while since yuo've known her for only a month. Also, you said she's away visiting family, so she could be busy even though she leaves her IM on.

 

[Krassus]

Alright, i hate to turn this discussion around, but to address your concerns: I'm not obscessed. Obscessed is thinking about her all the time, constantly messaging her and so forth. I, on the other hand, rarely think of her, and have no problem going for days without talking to her. However, i'm obviously concerned enough to write all this, so i do care to some extent.

And when i said that i wasn't particularly interested, PARTICULARLY was the key word. I'm still interested, just not overly so.

But either way, i think you may have a point - she could just be busy, and come to think of it, i know she is. I guess i gotta keep in mind that everyone's different - the reason this concerns me is because if *I* got a message and didn't reply to it, that'd meen i don't care about that person. But i guess she could be different.

 

[dontmindme]

Either i tell her tomorrow that if she pulls something like that one more time, she'll never hear from me again, or ignore it and wait for her to message me.

If you're not obssessed, then how come you've only known this girl for one month, and you're thinking about pulling a stunt like this? Your quote intimates that you think she did you some egregious wrong, where in fact she simply didn't reply to two instant messages. Also, you deem her action so over-the-top that you might consider never speaking to her again. To me, this does show 'particular interest' and is manifesting itself in an unhealthy manner.

But don't worry, I'm not bagging on you because I've been through the same ****. What hurt me bad was that I would constantly lie to myself and rationalize my actions to make it seem like they were normal. So I just want to make sure you don't go down the same path.. .cuz it sucks

 

[Krassus]

Originally posted by dontmindme
If you're not obssessed, then how come you've only known this girl for one month, and you're thinking about pulling a stunt like this? Your quote intimates that you think she did you some egregious wrong, where in fact she simply didn't reply to two instant messages. Also, you deem her action so over-the-top that you might consider never speaking to her again. To me, this does show 'particular interest' and is manifesting itself in an unhealthy manner.

But don't worry, I'm not bagging on you because I've been through the same ****. What hurt me bad was that I would constantly lie to myself and rationalize my actions to make it seem like they were normal. So I just want to make sure you don't go down the same path.. .cuz it sucks

Well, i definitely see where you're coming from, but i also see this situation differently. To me, getting an instant message and not replying to it is like getting a phone call and not picking up the phone.

Furthermore, i'm a person who has a lot to offer, but also expects a lot in return - and respect is one of the main things i'm talking about here. I view her actions as a sign of disrespect, and because i don't feel i've ever disrespected her, i think i'm being treated unfairly, which makes me angry.

So that's why i'm thinking about "pulling a stunt like that." Does it make sense now or do you still think i'm lying to myself?

 

[dontmindme]

I see. Well, I guess you have to see how she treats her IMs. Personally, I'm like you, and I try to reply to IMs immediately, and it would be nice if people did the same for me, but most of the people I know treat it like e-mail, where they just respond whenever. But still, knowing a person for one month is still too early to be delivering ultimatums and to be attacking people on how they answer IMs.

If it was a good friend or a girlfriend, I'd be slightly upset, but it was an acquaintaince or a girl I barely knew, I'd just let it go. It's healthier for the heart.

 

[es_mer8]

It all depends. If you got a lot of girls that you'd want to see, then give her that one chance. A lot of people are saying he's overreacting but if you have other opportunities, pursue them. I think that she has at least 5 minutes of her time to write back. It all depends on IL. Yes, she had the chance to reply back. If she was on a computer and wasn't around, she should have an away message which basically tells you that they're not there.

Odd but I guess try again some other time.

 

[Krassus]

You know what though? Who cares? I've got other options. I wasn't lying when i said she's beautiful, but i know that i could do better if i wanted to, which i do. So the ball's in her court. I'll wait for her to message me and we'll see how things go. But i'm not gonna act like i'm the least bit interested from her now, which will be easy, because headaches like this make me lose interest easily.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Why don't you stop the messaging? This is just a pseudo relationship, or a faux-relationship--you haven't even met!!!

So what is it? Nothing, yet.

Stop messaging--it's a mindfvck over something that isn't real. Evidence? You're here posting about someone you've never met.

Not sure about dating her---why? A date--a single get together--is nothing, just do it. And you need to do this anyway--you need to simply just meet her. Just that. Nothing counts from messaging--it's all fluff---you won't know anything until you simply meet her for real, in person.

I understand she's out of the country for X months, so--nothing can happen. Move on to one of your other options, just make sure these are real options (in person) and not further pseudo-relationships on-line.

That's what jumped out at me about your post: it's all about a non-existant fantacy relationship, it isn't real and won't be that until you meet her.

Then you can decide about a second date. Then you can fit her into your schedule while you date someone else. Then you have something actual to deal with...

 

[Clint Eastwood]

I'm in total agreement with TesuqueRed. This is one of my big complaints about internet dating. People who have never met, think that they are in love.

I had some great, witty banter with some women that I met online. When it came to meeting them, I was disappointed to say the least. I'm sure that many of them were, too.

The internet dating thing, destroys any chances of mystery, chemistry, and many other things that are important for a good relationship to start. I know that a lot of people will disagree with me. Some guys will say they know people who met online and now are happily married. Some will say that they got laid a lot by doing the internet thing.

If you are to be successful at it, you need to get them on the phone and meet in person AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. But, when I tried this approach, they flaked and didn't show up. One said that she wasn't "comfortable" enough with me yet. That's understandable in today's world, but if she wasn't comfortable, why do internet dating in the first place.


The other women I met were psychos, sluts (which was cool for one night) or very unattractive and fat compared to the picture they sent.

I've been trying internet dating for a few months. And I don't care what anyone tells you, it's trouble. For me, it was a nightmare. I won't even tell my stories now, I'm saving them for later. Forget the occasional "success" stories you hear about internet dating. Ask around and you'll hear a lot more horror stories.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Notice the over-riding pattern of Clint's post:

Internet = fantacy.
Meet in person = cold, harsh reality.

Maybe the reality is truly fine, but it is real. Internet relationships cannot be. Maybe the cold harsh truth of Krassus' girl is truly fine--but then, why would she be on the internet--??? There's a big hole here I'm not seeing filled. If a girl really--I mean REALLY--is truly fine and has her shyt together, she's not on the internet like this, she has a social calendar that is full and rewarding.

 

[Krassus]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
Notice the over-riding pattern of Clint's post:

Internet = fantacy.
Meet in person = cold, harsh reality.

Maybe the reality is truly fine, but it is real. Internet relationships cannot be. Maybe the cold harsh truth of Krassus' girl is truly fine--but then, why would she be on the internet--??? There's a big hole here I'm not seeing filled. If a girl really--I mean REALLY--is truly fine and has her shyt together, she's not on the internet like this, she has a social calendar that is full and rewarding.

That may have been true years ago, but not anymore. Check out sites like asianavenue, friendster or xanga and you'll see that there are loads of good-looking women on the net nowdays. Asians espeically, since they're more into technology than other races.

 

[Krassus]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
Why don't you stop the messaging? This is just a pseudo relationship, or a faux-relationship--you haven't even met!!!

So what is it? Nothing, yet.

Stop messaging--it's a mindfvck over something that isn't real. Evidence? You're here posting about someone you've never met.

Not sure about dating her---why? A date--a single get together--is nothing, just do it. And you need to do this anyway--you need to simply just meet her. Just that. Nothing counts from messaging--it's all fluff---you won't know anything until you simply meet her for real, in person.

I understand she's out of the country for X months, so--nothing can happen. Move on to one of your other options, just make sure these are real options (in person) and not further pseudo-relationships on-line.

That's what jumped out at me about your post: it's all about a non-existant fantacy relationship, it isn't real and won't be that until you meet her.

Then you can decide about a second date. Then you can fit her into your schedule while you date someone else. Then you have something actual to deal with...

See my 4th post.

 

[GirlCrazy]

The way I see it is there's 2 ways the internet is used to improve or doom our love lives.

1.) As a crutch. You can hide behind an anonymous screen name without ever learning to truly interact with and understand women. Every time you interact with a woman via email or IM you set your social skills and self esteem back because you are depersonalizing your interactions by building fantasy and not reality. Maybe you'll get lucky and hook up with a woman with the same low self esteem level as you, but odds are it will turn out badly.

2.) As a communications tool. You already have social skills and a high self esteem / confidence level. Either you meet women online and quickly parlay that into physical relationships, or you use email / IM to reinforce the rapport that you already built in person. The internet is one more tool in your toolbox, and certainly not the only tool.

So to say that IM / email is bad, is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. And lets say you meet a chick over the internet and you wake up every morning with some hot chick laying naked next to you. How does it matter whether you met her over the internet or number closed her at the grocery store?

As long as you end up where you wanna be, how does it matter how you got there?

 

[bugsquish]

Lets not forget one other very predominant aspect of the online "seduction" game. Yes, a large percentage of people meeting members of thwe opposite sex online are doing so because they are a)hideous, or b)lacking in social skills to meet someone in person.
But more significatly, I think, are people who may be attractive and/or socially proficient - but are already in relationships. These people may be settled with one partner, but bored and looking for a little extra-curricular excitement. I myself did this when I was in a 4 year relationship, and so did my girl. In fact it was a large factor in our breakup but lets not go into that. The main point here is that there must be millions of users who are happy to flirt, or cybersex, or even camsex.... but will not meet up with the other person in a million years because they have a BF that they "forgot" to mention.
If this chick is sexy, and socially sound, chances are she has a few options already - if not a boyfriend. So she's not gonna be overly enthusiastic about meeting a stranger off the net.

 

[GirlCrazy]

That's a good point bugsquish. Truth is there's pitfalls in every method of meeting women. That cute girl you meet at the mall might sleep with you even though she's married or in an LTR as well. Weeding out the bad ones is a DJ skill in its own right. To me it's all about IL regardless of how you meet. Low IL = waste of time = NEXT. If you meet a cool chick online who's not willing to turn the relationship into a RL physical thing sooner rather then later, problem solved, next.

 

[bugsquish]

Yea, the same could be true in a real life scenario. But still I think someone in an LTR is far more likely to have a little late-night camsex, than to deliberately go out and sex someone else. One could be passed off as "harmless fun" depending on your perspective, whilst the other is definetely cheating in a very real sense.

 

[Krassus]

Originally posted by bugsquish
Lets not forget one other very predominant aspect of the online "seduction" game. Yes, a large percentage of people meeting members of thwe opposite sex online are doing so because they are a)hideous, or b)lacking in social skills to meet someone in person.
But more significatly, I think, are people who may be attractive and/or socially proficient - but are already in relationships. These people may be settled with one partner, but bored and looking for a little extra-curricular excitement. I myself did this when I was in a 4 year relationship, and so did my girl. In fact it was a large factor in our breakup but lets not go into that. The main point here is that there must be millions of users who are happy to flirt, or cybersex, or even camsex.... but will not meet up with the other person in a million years because they have a BF that they "forgot" to mention.
If this chick is sexy, and socially sound, chances are she has a few options already - if not a boyfriend. So she's not gonna be overly enthusiastic about meeting a stranger off the net.

You're right on target here my friend. He has a boyfriend back home whom she's bored with, and to my best knowledge, she recently told him that she won't be getting back with him when she returns. As for me, i already told her that i want to meet her as soon as she gets back here, and she sounded like she's looking forward to that as well.

GirlCrazy, you're right on all accounts man. The net is a tool, not unlike the phone. Eliminating it from your weapons locker would be downright stupid.