how do i deal with my AFC father?

[ColonelKilgore]

hi. first time poster.

unplugged from the matrix at the age of 14 when i realized that basically girls like jerks. been spinning plates since then (sometimes with more success, other times with less or no success). am at the age of 26 now and i need some advice. my chumpster father who is so invested in the matrix that he is basically behaving like a nagging female wants me to get married and he is really giving me **** lately. i can't tell him to fck off because he is my father and i do have respect for him even if he is a chumpy chumpster. help, anyone?


greetings from croatia

 

[Eternal_water]

Can't help I'm afraid but I do know the situation.
My own dad is a weak beta male and I feel like I have his weak DNA.

He is totally dominated by my mother. She is the boss no doubts.
Its cringy watching arguments where by she decides to be angry over something pointless and he pleads and pleads for forgiveness till I want to slap him in the face.

And he can't see that the more he pleads for forgiveness the angrier she gets. Whenever she tries getting angry with me I just totally ignore her and thats the end of it. She soon calms down as she realises she is having no effect and I will neither say sorry or beg for forgiveness (both of which he will do until he is blue in the face).

It pi55es me off how much power he lets her have over him.

 

[Alvafe]

ignore him, if you don't want to tell him to **** off, just nod and smile and ignore, and don't tell him what you do in your life concerning woman.

now one thing is true my mom sure ahve a hard time with me because she ask me for things and my first answer is always no, or not my problem or even you can do that. funny is my dad do the same so its all ok.

but here is the thing or you make your dad see things your way or you need space, it your dad and all but is still your life and you do what you want and should do, as long youa re not hurting you or others you are free do to anything without his blessing, take your life on your own hands, parents try to always control his kids, always thinks they way is the better way.

myself since I have around 8 I ignore what my mom says, because till then I did folowed what she said for me to do and then things get worse, tehn started doing the oposed or just ignore then things started to get better, I ignore most of my dad advices because most of then is do nothing, and if is for that I don't need him knowing anything.

 

[ColonelKilgore]

thanks for replying.

Eternal water, same here. mother a judgmental and criticizing ice queen. father a weak beta male. except my father believes he is alpha but all he does is behave like a psycho female. throwing tantrums and manipulating and screaming when he is not the center of attention. its sad to be honest. and the thing is my life is pretty sweet now. got a promotion, recently bought a new car. and yet my father wants me to sacrifice all of that to get married, take a big loan and buy a house, because thats what you are supposed to do. getting married is the last thing on my mind right now, probably because it looks so fvcking horrific. sorry, just venting at this point.

 

[Eternal_water]

Yeah marriage looks pretty bad.

The couple either constantly argue (and the woman has the power) or they become incredibly boring and care too much about curtains and ornaments.

And of course when it goes wrong, legally the woman has all the power.

Sounds a bit like your dad is living in the past, the norm for back then just isn't applicable to todays world.

 

[logicallefty]

OP, tell him you will get married when

1) the divorce rate gets below 15% from the 50+% it is now

2) when only 10% of women married women cheat instead of the 50+% that do now.

3) When Christian women start behaving like the Bible says they should

Good luck with all that, Dad..

 

[ColonelKilgore]

OP, tell him you will get married when

1) the divorce rate gets below 15% from the 50+% it is now

2) when only 10% of women married women cheat instead of the 50+% that do now.

3) When Christian women start behaving like the Bible says they should

Good luck with all that, Dad..

The truth is, even then I wouldnt probably

 

[Moroder]

Fathers and sons. Ever notice how seldom they're mentioned on SS? So few posts on the most important man in our life.
I suspect your old man would just love to see you getting married & having kids. That's what he did, maybe (in his heart of hearts), the only substantial thing he ever achieved in his life. Never mind your mother's qualities as an ice queen or the average happiness of their marriage, just listen to drunkards fighting each other: "yeah, but I am married, at least I found a wife, I kick your ass you single guy bla bla" as a line of last resort.
So if you married, and if you also had kids, it would basically validate your father. It would show him that he did the right thing, it would confirm his life and maybe even redeem him for the **** he's gone through or has given to others. Remember, this is not about rational thinking, this is about emotions. So if you try to soothe his emotions with divorce stats, it won't do you or him any good. This is, I fear, not about marriage, this is about the father feeling left behind by his son who's banging more women, earning more money (?) having a better life, with less anger, less fear, and less **** to eat. Tough stuff to stomach.
(I am making this up on the fly, you yell when I go too far)
So what can you do?
Maybe you can ask him for advice on something else. Not a phony, set-up case of "what do you think, Dad?". Something real. Something to show him that you respect him, though you may lead that glorious Casanova lifestyle he could only dream about. Or you can ask him to go out fishing, to go hiking, whatever. You needn't turn this into a touchy-feely talk. You needn't talk at all, men can do all this silently. ;-) He will understand the value of you asking him to spend time. Because no matter how AFC or frustrated or difficult he may be, you are his son and I bet he'd just love to be proud of you. He sounds difficult, yes, but he doesn't sound like a cold-hearted man who's not able to love. Convince him he can do it without you getting married, and you've won an ally.

 

[ColonelKilgore]

(I am making this up on the fly, you yell when I go too far)

Don't worry. I am thankful to you for taking your time and giving me your view. This was the first question I asked since joining this great forum and I want all the advice I can get.

That's what he did, maybe (in his heart of hearts), the only substantial thing he ever achieved in his life.

Could be. I don't know how he feels, but he would never say something like that.

So if you married, and if you also had kids, it would basically validate your father. It would show him that he did the right thing, it would confirm his life and maybe even redeem him for the **** he's gone through or has given to others.

Interesting ideas. He is a hard person to be around. Probably why I was such a problematic young kid back in the day with the alcohol and car crashes, troubles with the law etc. And I do accept blame for my actions. I used to blame him. Then I read and interesting thought (I think it was in No More Mr Nice Guy) that went something like this: First thing young men of today should do is take their fathers out of the gutter.

This is, I fear, not about marriage, this is about the father feeling left behind by his son who's banging more women, earning more money (?) having a better life, with less anger, less fear, and less **** to eat. Tough stuff to stomach.

Never thought about it like that. I don't earn more money than he is, but I do earn more than he has at 26. And he does eat a lot of sh.it. My mother is the stereotype of the nagging, judgmental, criticizing, unhappy wife.

He will understand the value of you asking him to spend time. Because no matter how AFC or frustrated or difficult he may be, you are his son and I bet he'd just love to be proud of you. He sounds difficult, yes, but he doesn't sound like a cold-hearted man who's not able to love. Convince him he can do it without you getting married, and you've won an ally.

I'll figure something out. Thank you. I mean really.

 

[Moroder]

You're welcome. I'm glad if any of the above works out for you.

 

[Julian]

Idk bros what you are saying is borderline. I remember at one point being young and dumb I thought because my father wasnt a multimillionaire or how he and I werent as alike or he didnt aspire to the same things I did he was "beta" because he married my mom and has been with her for like 30+ years. The fact he raised a family and wasn't out clubbing partying etc like how I thought men should always be (bachelors) etc.


Well growing up I realized how I couldn't have been further from the truth and how stupid I really was. Those things I thought weren't "cool" because I was trying to be too alpha are actually the very things that make my father alpha.

Just remember who you are judging here fellas. This is your dad your talking about. I know this wont apply to all (some guys here have a truly azzhole dad) but if your dad has done his best and been good to you and your family then you need to check yourself and your train of thought. this beta alpha **** doesnt apply to family.

 

[ColonelKilgore]

Just remember who you are judging here fellas.

I know, you are right.