How do I cure oneitis?

[SpeedRunner]

You know.. just as I thought I had my game in check... I thought that I was pure pimp, all DJ... I've had my way with some very -attractive- girls lately. I really thought I was doing well, keeping my emotions in check... showing a b!tch whos boss.. ya ya... i know all that. i've had some serious success lately... but then...

today, i saw an unattractive 18 year old girl who I knew in high school. She's short, fat, ugly... smokes pot, is a total loser. She's 100% redneck and has no commons sense at all. But the sad, sad, sad fact is that I fell for this girl... damn it.

And when I saw her today... I felt the same cold sweat, the same shock, buttflies in the stomach and my breath was KNOCKED AWAY. It makes NO SENSE i thought she was -gone-. Damn it... I have NO attraction towards the chick, I dont want to be friends with her at all, I just want her to go away.

What the hell do I do?? Im tired of her existing. No, I did not talk to her. I avoided her. I think she saw me... and man a thousand thoughts rushed through my mind. I almost wish I could hold her again... Its been a year and a half.

 

[dearsappho]

What?

You say youre not attracted to this girl, but you fell for her?

I dont get it. If youre not attracted to her then whats your problem. Your desire has already been rendered defunct.

How is this oneitis anyway?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

How do I cure oneitis?, you ask? If she is a good woman then she IS the cure!!! If she is a hor then get many-itis!!!

 

[SpeedRunner]

Originally posted by dearsappho
What?

You say youre not attracted to this girl, but you fell for her?

I dont get it. If youre not attracted to her then whats your problem. Your desire has already been rendered defunct.

How is this oneitis anyway?

nope. not attracted to her at all. I did want to date her back then but I really dont now. I guess the one-itis is that I felt like she was the perfect campanion for me, the girl that I always wanted.

 

[dearsappho]

If thats the case then its not oneitis...you dont want her so dont have her. Simple innit?

 

[-HPNOTIQ-]

There are always going to be the 'what if' women in your past. I'm sure every girl you dated there was a 'what if' mixed to the equation.

Like PRL said...go out, band lots of women, and get this one out of your head. You have to stop living in the past and remember why she is YOUR EX.

You pointed it out...she smokes, is a redneck, a LOSER in your words....so drop her....her loss.

 

[SpeedRunner]

I think there is some leftover fear/insecurity in me. I really want to expel it. It is possible for me to get in contact with her again... I have friends who are friends with her. Do you think that would work? I almost wish I could tell her how much better off I am. I cant tell you how crazy this is, but I feel like im sad to lose her.

 

[sexual_intellectual]

Your head is thinking, your heart is (for some ridiculous reason) pumping.

You're about to learn a lesson - either by listening to the advice "go with your head", or through an unpleasant experience. (dating an ugly, fat, pot-smoking loser)

You can do better, you know better. Move on and don't look back.

 

[StringShredder]

Originally posted by SpeedRunner
today, i saw an unattractive 18 year old girl who I knew in high school. She's short, fat, ugly... smokes pot, is a total loser. She's 100% redneck and has no commons sense at all. But the sad, sad, sad fact is that I fell for this girl... damn it.

And when I saw her today... I felt the same cold sweat, the same shock, buttflies in the stomach and my breath was KNOCKED AWAY. It makes NO SENSE i thought she was -gone-. Damn it... I have NO attraction towards the chick, I dont want to be friends with her at all, I just want her to go away.

You might think this doesn't make sense, but it does. There is an attraction that can develop that is beyond physical. Once you get hooked on someone, it doesn't matter. It's like a sickness. You can't use rationality to explain mental sicknesses. How do you explain that someone feels butterflies and sweat whenever they encounter the number 6?

This is why you have to protect your heart. A heart is full of security holes that can be exploited. Once it's infected, it can stay that way for a long time; no amount of rationality will cure it or explain what's going on.

Basically I think that people have a circuit inside their mind that can be triggered to bind them to another person (and even polyamorous people still talk about their ``primary'', don't they!)

That circuit isn't driven by appearance or sexual attraction. Don't let someone break into that little ``kernel'' in your mind. You have to be careful about who you let inside and how far.

I think that if you are in a stage in your life when you are feeling stressed, depressed or have no confidence, it's a lot easier for someone to get into there. You find it relieving to confide in someone about what you are going through and anything that makes you feel better is eagerly welcome.

 

[StringShredder]

Oh yeah, and cold sweat, butterflies and all that: those are signs of physiological arousal. That arousal doesn't belong to any particular emotion. Physiological arousal simply intensifies all kinds of emotions. For instance, you could simply be scared of confronting that girl. You have a social discomfort, and the arousal you feel intensifies that discomfort. It's like being afraid of heights or closed spaces. There is some fixation there on this girl; just because a fixation exists and the subject is a girl doesn't mean you are attracted. The guy who feels butterflies going into an elevator and wishes elevators wouldn't exist isn't attracted to elevators.

 

[SpeedRunner]

^ you make sense

"I think that if you are in a stage in your life when you are feeling stressed, depressed or have no confidence, it's a lot easier for someone to get into there."

I met her back in 2003. I was stressed and had no confidence. I felt alone... I dont think depressed.. but that explains why I might have fallen for her.

Right now though Im at the top of my game. And seeing her brings back painful memories of not just her and me, but of myself during that time. Should I avoid her at all costs or try to be friends with her? Whats the solution? I want to get rid of the fixation.

 

[Sart]

Speedrunner

You aint at the top of your game mate. You are way ahead of where I was at when I was 19 probably, but you are not at the top of your game. That "place" you are in, it says it to me.

Try BEing a playa, its really just a simple decision. The hardest part is simply making that decision. Once you truly decide, you WILL overcome this shyte. Read some of the stuff on inner game and take a look at meditation and metaphysics, see if it speaks to you. Even if you dont like metaphysics, chicks DO!

 

[penguin]

Originally posted by sexual_intellectual
Your head is thinking, your heart is (for some ridiculous reason) pumping.

You're about to learn a lesson - either by listening to the advice "go with your head", or through an unpleasant experience. (dating an ugly, fat, pot-smoking loser)

You can do better, you know better. Move on and don't look back.

I think that brings up a common problem among men. They (myself included, i won't lie) fear that they cannot get any better, so they settle for less.

They get presented with a sub-par female, and think "well.... what if i don't get a better one in the future? Better make the best of this i guess".

Then you get 1-2 years into a relationship with them, you're holding on for dear life because you think it's your last chance, yet you're still miserable within it.... it ends because of whatever reason, you're left wondering why you wasted years of your life.

If you dont learn your lesson that time, repeat the above process, except a miserable, lifeless marriage follows.

Wtf, what a stupid rant that was lol. My point being, don't settle for any less than you want.

 

[Sart]

PENGUIN

I disagree mate, I reckon your post was damn accurate personally. We older guys have more "om the ground" experience. You cant put an old head on young shoulders, but your analogy was par for the course.

The blokes in here often dont want to hear it...I guess they'll have to live it and learn the hard way.

It does bother me that some of the moderators are so damn young. I had a post lifted because I referred to a porn site, thing is, I dont watch porn and was refused an explanation of what exactly had been removed.

No, I thought you were pretty damn straight there mate, good for you.

 

[Donald Kaufman]

Originally posted by SpeedRunner
Right now though Im at the top of my game. And seeing her brings back painful memories of not just her and me, but of myself during that time. Should I avoid her at all costs or try to be friends with her? Whats the solution? I want to get rid of the fixation.

I think you got the most important part here. She reminds you of a time in your life. Everything that makes her unappealing reminds you of what you would put up with in tha state. It's not her fault so confronting her won't help. Spending time with her won't get you anywhere either. See her as the bottom of the barrell you bounced out of and don't go back. She is what happens when you slip.