How did you learn how to masturbate?

[BMX]

I was in 7th grade, learned via word of mouth. 1st time I busted was to a french cutie on skinemax.

 

[Maxtro]

When was I not masturbating? I remember doing it back in kindergarten. I must have been 5 or 6. I think it just figured it out on my own. How can anybody not know that it feels good to touch their penis?

I miss being young and not having to worry about making a mess.

 

[MacAvoy]

for me it was when i was 10.

my parents took me to the zoo and we were in the monkey area. i dont know where my parents had gone, but i found myself alone watching the monkies.

this one monkey came closer to the bars, probably about 10 feet from me.

anyway, it was a smart monkey and when i stuck my tongue out at it, he stuck his tongue back out at me. we started to mimic each others behavior, like a game.

anyway, after a few minutes he suddenly started jerkin his gerkin. being only 10 i though this was part of the game. so i took off my pants and started doing the same thing.

he was shrieking like a wild monkey and jerkin really hard. so i tried the best i could with my 10 year old vocal cords to shriek like the monkey.

anyway, people started to gather around and im sure they were saying things but i wasn't paying attention.

the monkey blew his load and so did i. when i turned around some of the women were crying and some of hte guys were laughing.

then i saw my mom come running through the crowd. she was soooo angry and told me to 'PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!!!!"

all i said was 'mommy, the monkey made my weiner spit.'

i miss the zoo.

I call BS

One of the funniest stories I've ever heard though and I might have to incorporate it as a joke.

 

[HandyAndy]

I call BS

One of the funniest stories I've ever heard though and I might have to incorporate it as a joke.

I second that.

 

[6-heads lewis]

Nobody ever taught me, I didn't even know what it was. Around 12 or 13 I started having strange urges to touch my penis while in the shower. I didn't even really know what masturbating was, or that I was doing it. I thought I was just touching my penis for a while, and then suddenly it stopped. Because of the water, I didn't even realize I was jizzing.

That was the first time I got exposed to 'post-jak-off guilt'. I though I was doing horrible internal damage or something and would feel ashamed, swearing Ill never do it again. Coincidentally, a red pen broke in my jeans a few days later, and I swear to God I thought it was internal bleeding or bruises, and completely panicked and cried until I realized it was the pen.

Post-jak-off guilt had plagued me for several years. I cant count the amount f times Ive felt disgusted with myself and deleted my porn stash and cancelled downloads, and then 30 minutes later Im like "What the hell am I thinking? That was a wicked AssParade video, it was 50% complete!" I used to try and time my bust to match the guy's bust, as if I was jizzing on the girl's face. The thing is once you busy, you look at this cheap skank with jizz all over her face and think "you're disgraceful, how can you not be ashamed of yourself?". Meanwhile im unemployed jerking off to her in my mom's house.

Now after I bust I simply get as far away from porn as possible, until the guilt subsides, so I dont throw out my dvd collection.

And that's my story.

 

[joekerr31]

I call BS

One of the funniest stories I've ever heard though and I might have to incorporate it as a joke.

if its bs, then how come i still have a picture of hte monkey from that day?

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w46/cullyman07/CrazyMonkey.jpg

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Nobody ever taught me, I didn't even know what it was. Around 12 or 13 I started having strange urges to touch my penis while in the shower. I didn't even really know what masturbating was, or that I was doing it. I thought I was just touching my penis for a while, and then suddenly it stopped. Because of the water, I didn't even realize I was jizzing.

That was the first time I got exposed to 'post-jak-off guilt'. I though I was doing horrible internal damage or something and would feel ashamed, swearing Ill never do it again. Coincidentally, a red pen broke in my jeans a few days later, and I swear to God I thought it was internal bleeding or bruises, and completely panicked and cried until I realized it was the pen.

Post-jak-off guilt had plagued me for several years. I cant count the amount f times Ive felt disgusted with myself and deleted my porn stash and cancelled downloads, and then 30 minutes later Im like "What the hell am I thinking? That was a wicked AssParade video, it was 50% complete!" I used to try and time my bust to match the guy's bust, as if I was jizzing on the girl's face. The thing is once you busy, you look at this cheap skank with jizz all over her face and think "you're disgraceful, how can you not be ashamed of yourself?". Meanwhile im unemployed jerking off to her in my mom's house.

Now after I bust I simply get as far away from porn as possible, until the guilt subsides, so I dont throw out my dvd collection.

And that's my story.

Oh my God I feel your pain! I mean, her face looked great with all that sac-ranch all over it at the time. Right when you're done you're like "uhh... disgusting woman! And I'm disgusting too for looking at it!" Why don't women ever feel guilty doing it?

Well my story was when I was I think 12 also? My mom had dirty novels under her bed, and my stepdad had penthouse magazines under his mattress. One day when my family was out in the living (the sent me to their room to do my homework.) I got distracted and started reading the dirty novel. Then I started looking at the penthouse. I switched back and fourth between them..

....what completely set me off was this shoot in the penthouse magazine of these two blondes eating each other out in this tropical beach dusk setting. The positioning of this shot was odd. One girl's body was laying parallel to the bench she was lying on with her tongue sticking out, reaching for the other blonde's tw@t. The blonde on top was in a mild squatting position with her vagina lips spread. She looked directly into the camera lens. Mouth open. A look of complete ecstasy in her eyes. It's like she was looking into my soul.

I couldn't take it anymore. I lifted up my shirt, pulled down my pants and just went at it. I just knew how to do it. Then I...shot blanks. I guess I couldn't skeet yet. I did it at least 15 times that day.


How gay is it to share these stories to guys instead of girls?

 

[6-heads lewis]

Oh my God I feel your pain! I mean, her face looked great with all that sac-ranch all over it at the time. Right when you're done you're like "uhh... disgusting woman! And I'm disgusting too for looking at it!" Why don't women ever feel guilty doing it?

Well my story was when I was I think 12 also? My mom had dirty novels under her bed, and my stepdad had penthouse magazines under his mattress. One day when my family was out in the living (the sent me to their room to do my homework.) I got distracted and started reading the dirty novel. Then I started looking at the penthouse. I switched back and fourth between them..

....what completely set me off was this shoot in the penthouse magazine of these two blondes eating each other out in this tropical beach dusk setting. The positioning of this shot was odd. One girl's body was laying parallel to the bench she was lying on with her tongue sticking out, reaching for the other blonde's tw@t. The blonde on top was in a mild squatting position with her vagina lips spread. She looked directly into the camera lens. Mouth open. A look of complete ecstasy in her eyes. It's like she was looking into my soul.

I couldn't take it anymore. I lifted up my shirt, pulled down my pants and just went at it. I just knew how to do it. Then I...shot blanks. I guess I couldn't skeet yet. I did it at least 15 times that day.


How gay is it to share these stories to guys instead of girls?

15 times in a single day? That must be a record dude! I get penis aches and stomach cramps if I overdo it. My record is 7 I think. But wow 15, they must have all been quickies.

I hated how our schools never talked about it. Me and my buddies kind of nervously joked about it, just waiting for someone to confess so we could all confess. Nobody wanted to be the first and nobody really knew how the hell it works, they should teach that stuff in gym class.

The first Penthouse is almost a right of passage, my first mag was when me and my buddy found his grandfather's collection, I mean these mags dated back to the 70's. You wouldn't believe some of the bushes on these chicks. Must have felt nappy as hell.

The guilt trip must be physical, like endorphines or sum s hit I dunno but it's really fukd up. It's almost like your penis is teasing you, it's so alluring and tempting, but you know afterwards you'll feel like horrible. What's a 13 year old to do? DROVE ME MAD!!!

 

[Aboleo]

I touched my penis and it felt good, I guess... sh!t, I don't recall exactly but I'm pretty sure it went something like that. What the f*ck does it matter, anyways?

:crackup:

 

[lordson]

first exposed to soft core porn in yr 7. then no porn until yr 10.

didn't masturbate until yr 11

never looked back

 

[ThunderMaverick]

"Never looked back" HAHAHAHAHAHA


I dunno. I mean I just saw that freshly shaved vagina and I had to tug. Yeah! It was a lot. I couldn't put my c0ck down after that. Jerking was like lay's potato chips; can't have just one.

Nothing came out so I didn't make a mess. I wish I could just nut without making a mess sometimes.

 

[Ripper]

This has got to be tht funniest thread ever.:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

 

[MacAvoy]

if its bs, then how come i still have a picture of hte monkey from that day?

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w46/cullyman07/CrazyMonkey.jpg

Now your dillusional. Thats the reason why your mom didn't have any mirrors in your house growing up and she told you you'd die if you ever seen one. Are you sitting down Joeker? The picture is really you.

 

[MacAvoy]

How gay is it to share these stories to guys instead of girls?

Its called male bonding.

 

[Nighthawk]

I figured it out on my own aged about 11. Nothing came out. I thought Holy ****, does everyone know about this and told my friends at school the next day. One of them was sceptical and said 'no way, if you 'spasm' it all shoots over the ceiling like a fire extinguisher.'

 

[In Motion]

brings me back this awful memory where i shooted up and what goes up most come down....right in my freakin hair jeez :nervous:

anyway i learned when i caught my big brother doing it while watching a girl striping on the webcam :crazy:

edit: was around 10 on both scenes

Haha, Ive totally gotten it in my hair before Thats pretty ****ing nasty! But my sperm smells really good o_0. Like so good that I am tempted to wear it as a perfume.

But not really. It still smells good. :crazy:

I couldn't take it anymore. I lifted up my shirt, pulled down my pants and just went at it. I just knew how to do it. Then I...shot blanks. I guess I couldn't skeet yet. I did it at least 15 times that day.

Holy ****! 15? I dont like doing it more then once, maybe twice.

 

[PrinceBeavis]

How did you learn how to spell "Masturbate"?

 

[MacAvoy]

Because I'm a MASTER at it lol, good catch.

 

[DonJuanit0]

I had my first masturbation in the age of 10! I was alone in a room watching tv! My hand was on my pen*s as I was watching something nasty I guess (can't recall) Well it didn't take too much time to figure out what to do! the only problem was that when I finished I was like! oh my god what is this?!? Is this right?!? Is this white thing a bad sign? Should I ask my father? Well I just didn't say anything and kept seeing this white thing for many more times!

 

[FoolsCause]

then i saw my mom come running through the crowd. she was soooo angry and told me to 'PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!!!!"

all i said was 'mommy, the monkey made my weiner spit.'

i miss the zoo.

LOL naw, that's how Stuart Larkin learned to masturbate.