How can I stop carring and adopt a "I don't give a ****" attitude?

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I think one of my major problems that's holding back my progress with girls at the moment is that I care too much. I know you're not supposed to, but I don't know how to stop it; when I'm talking to a girl, or even just near one who I think is cute, I DO care what she's thinking about me, and it amplifies whatever my emotions or mannerisms are at the time.

I think it even shows in my body language too. Just a couple of days ago, I saw a video a friend of mine shot at a party a few weeks ago. He was just filming random things and people, and I saw myself in the background talking to this girl I was talking to a few weeks ago, and my body posture seemed robotic, my facial expressions seemed exaggerated and unnatural. It was a real eye-opener.

I just don't know how to, I don't know, "cut loose" around new girls. I can do it no-problem if I've known the girl a while, but not when it's someone new whose attraction I'm hoping to gain.

But it seems like girls just trip allover themselves for guys who "just don't care;" about her, their surroundings, the situation or conversation their in; who always have that cool, bored demeanor about him. I guess it makes girls "want to make him care" so to speak.

How can I develop that attitude? And how do I stop caring what girls think?

 

[Iceberg]

You need an ego.

And you build an ego by accomplishing things. I used to be the same way you're describing yourself. And I think we care about these girls' opinions because we put them on a pedestal. Work out, travel, become awesome at some hobbies, and you'll realize that you're the one on the pedestal.

My "I don't give a ****" attitude comes from the fact that I feel like I'm the best thing to happen to these girls. And I know how egotistical that sounds...and of course it's not true, but I NEED to feel that way in order to function in the dating world. I'm handsome, I play guitar, I work out, I've been all over the world...and if some girl treats me in a way that displeases me, my attitude becomes, "You think you can do better than me? Go find out. Good luck."

It's a process, man. And I know "ego" and "****y" are bad words, but you need a little ego and ****iness in yourself. You're better than these girls....or you WILL be once you build yourself up a bit. Build your confidence.

 

[JCballin88]

I feel you on this one. I routinely fall into the trap of becoming too self-conscious and aware of what other people think of me.

One of the things I like to do is compare what I'm doing in a situation to what one of my good guy friends would do. My friend has a lot going for him - 6'3", and muscular. While he does have a good body, he's not the best-looking guy around, however.

But the point is, he does things that real men do, without caring what other people think. Last summer he flew to Oregon and biked all the way back to to the Atlantic Ocean, just because he thought it would be cool. He speaks his mind and does so in a clear, strong, voice. He does things that make me say "dude, what the heck are you doing?" and he goes "why should I care if some people think it's weird?" This is why a lot of girls find him attractive, and he knows it (although he's in a serious and happy relationship).

I'm trying to take his approach to more things, but it's a slow process. It's also hard to find a balance between looking ridiculous and wanting people to be assured that you're not totally off-the-wall. Take clothing for example - I like to spend a good amount of time getting dressed up and looking nice; while my friend will throw on shorts 2X too small and an old flannel button-up shirt and hit the classroom.

To an extent you still need to "be yourself," since going against the way you were engineered can be extremely exhausting. But if you can make small adjustments as you mature, you'll have worthwhile results.

 

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I'm handsome, I play guitar, I work out, I've been all over the world...and if some girl treats me in a way that displeases me, my attitude becomes, "You think you can do better than me? Go find out. Good luck."

I am all those things; I'm handsome enough to be compared to a famous musician (won't say who) I also play guitar in a band. I've been around Latin America and Asia, I'm educated, articulate, dress well, successful (for my age) ambitious.

But I forget all my accomplishments and qualities when I'm in-field. In fact, it makes me even MORE self-conscious, because I see these guys who look like slobs, probably no smarter than a 16 year old and are no-where near as accomplished as me getting girls.

When I see that, I think to myself "Seriously? After all my hard work and experience and he's still beating me to it? What more do I have to do?!"

 

[xdreamz]

you don't want to hope to gain attraction from a women...you just gain it. if you want that guy that get's all that chick's attitude then hang around that guy and it will rub off on you, but don't try so hard to be someone else. you are who you are and that should be reason enough for someone to like to you. everybody has insecurities, weaknesses. that's why we need to improve ourselves constantly. if you see that you give off the wrong type of impression on video tape then start rehearsing in front of a mirror or something first. it's that easy.

 

[Warrior74]

what is you life goal, your mission? your purpose? The thing that is your all consuming passion? Now how can any woman compare to that? Either she is a nice temporary rest on your journey or she is a helpmate to help you achieve your goals. Anything less than that and she's a waste of time. Now how would you treat such a woman? What importance would she deserve in your life? Where on the roster of important things does she lie? Near the top or near the bottom? My list of importance goes as such.


1. My family specifically at this point my daughter.
2. My health and mental well being.
3. My career. To earn more money to be able to take care of my family and do the things I need and want to do. To make my mark in my field
4. My personal ambitions. My writing and art work. Things I want to do in my life.
5. My friends
6. Women and other fun pastimes.

Where do women rank on your list?

 

[1337]

Im gonna have to disagree with iceberg. You don't need an ego, in fact it holds you back based on how it was shaped during your growth. The ego will crave any sort of attention and also infuse fear in you so it doesn't get damaged from humiliation or not looking bad which also means you getting attached to the outcome of things. Everybody already has an ego which was structured by society.It worked for iceberg cuz his ego is probably ****y and funny but its not gonna help you cuz your different.

My advice is to let go of fear,anxiety, negative feelings and detach yourself from any outcomes. If your feeling any of these emotions than your probably thinking negative thoughts so you gotta change those thoughts so your feelings could change. Also focusing on your breathing will help.

 

[Isko]

Man, if you have all that stuff going for you, why not go up to the girl and say "hey I think you're totally gorgeous, what's your name?" Total honesty. Just keep the conversation going as if you were getting to know a new friend, because you are. You don't need to do some magic DHV stuff to be attractive.. Just talk. And don't be afraid of escalating.

What helped me is just blowing myself out over and over. I've embarrassed myself in front of strange girls a LOT of times, and I could still benefit from doing it more often. It makes you fearless. Also just ****ing do it.

You should read Corvette's posts on mASF; he has posted stuff recently about "circuit II imprinting" that is geared towards getting over fear. Really it was a very hard process for me, full of taking risks that I felt would potentially change my life for the worse. (Stuff that made me feel like a creep.) But I definitely stopped... being afraid of looking like a creep. =P

And that's come in handy many times since then.

I'm guessing you come off as very controlled; that means you're controlling yourself around her. You are HOLDING YOURSELF BACK because you don't wanna creep her out. Ironically, what girls really like most is when you are super friendly and sexual (but in a respectful way.) It's the real you. You just need the balls to let it out... So... go for it.

A lot of the time, what helped me "go for it" was the blind faith in HONESTY that I have. I would tell myself "**** it, I don't care what she thinks of me, I'm gonna show my affection for her anyway." In some situations that meant I would give her a warm greeting, even though I didn't think she liked me very much. In some situations I would touch her (hand on back of neck, on leg, on back, caressing, etc.) because I LIKED HER, even though I had no idea what she thought of me. Scary ****, because it makes you feel like a potential creep. Well I've come off very creepy at times, but I've also had sex and made friends, and learned a lot. All those examples I was talking about just now were GOOD things, that the girls actually liked.

So I think you need to just get over your fear of expressing yourself. You are hoping that the girls are gonna see how cool you are, and start being all warm to you, hugging you and telling you they like you and staring into your eyes and asking you about your life and smiling at you and all that good stuff.

Well they AREN'T, because they are like YOU right now... afraid to express it. So it's up to YOU to express the love... they'll return it as much as you can give it out.

P.S. this is part of a philosophy of just doing what feels good... it's not that you should be hugging on the girls all the time, just when you FEEL like it. and don't be afraid to kick an interaction in the direction you want it to go. Don't wait for her to make it interesting or flirty; don't even wait for her to make it friendly or anything. it's entirely possible for YOU to make it fun for the both of you. (and 100% of the time, if it's fun for you it will be fun for her.)

Also try imagining the girl standing naked with her legs spread and you behind her, and both of you being totally uninhibited and loud. This whole game is about becoming comfortable with your body and being sexual. If Ron Jeremy can be sexual in front of the world, even tho he's not handsome, you can be sexual.

 

[Prodigy746]

i dont think you can force yourself not to care.

 

[everywomanshero]

If you really stopped caring, you would never even bother to pork a chic. I assume this is not the desired effect. What you want to do is more likely to relax and not be paralyzed by worry. Some of it just takes time and experience. There are going to be many women, so you can start to have faith that this is true and relax a bit. Any guy who tries and is not completely disfigured will have sex with lots of women. Once you value yourself an odd thing happens. People dont have value and power over you anymore and you realize that they never did. Go and find someone worthy of your respect and dont think about just how you can please someone, try to find out if they are cool people or not.

 

[lakeshore]

This is really tough topic, its like the holy grail really.

I've been hanging out with this girl who I am NOT interested in but still go places with because its something to do. I am my true authentic self around her and she LOVES me, I am just my silly cool self around her with NO care about outcome or what she thinks. Awkward silence? I don't give a sh*t. Did I offend her? Don't give a sh*t.

I find it next to IMPOSSIBLE to do that when i am with a girl I truly want. It sucks!

IDK, I think its just a numbers thing. The more girls you date, hang out with, are around, etc.. the less and less you'll care I think. BUT, for most of us, we don't get to date women at will so that is kind of a pipe dream also.

 

[macallik]

You need an ego.

And you build an ego by accomplishing things. I used to be the same way you're describing yourself. And I think we care about these girls' opinions because we put them on a pedestal. Work out, travel, become awesome at some hobbies, and you'll realize that you're the one on the pedestal.

My "I don't give a ****" attitude comes from the fact that I feel like I'm the best thing to happen to these girls. And I know how egotistical that sounds...and of course it's not true, but I NEED to feel that way in order to function in the dating world. I'm handsome, I play guitar, I work out, I've been all over the world...and if some girl treats me in a way that displeases me, my attitude becomes, "You think you can do better than me? Go find out. Good luck."

It's a process, man. And I know "ego" and "****y" are bad words, but you need a little ego and ****iness in yourself. You're better than these girls....or you WILL be once you build yourself up a bit. Build your confidence.

I disagree

Imo, you need to LOSE your ego. Stop thinking you are good at anything and just go out there and try out everything to see what works.

Ego and ****y are great for being more confident, but if you don't want to care about the outcome, you need to stop looking at women subjectively such as "I hope she does not reject me" and start looking objectively like, "She did X which is a sign of low interest and so to get her interested I have to do Y or Z"

The only ways I have found of achieving the ability to not care is to either fail a hell of a lot to the point that you are indifferent to it or to have so many options that you are indifferent to things.

In my experiences, the former is much more plausible than the latter. I have seen much more guys having success that really are insecure and care what people think than vice versa.