How can I not resent my parents?

[One on One]

It hurts me to post this because I really do love my parents, but recently when I discovered the root of my social problems, I found that there is no denying that my parents were responsible for digging this hole for me. Their intentions have only been good, but, unfortunately, overprotection, lack of social exposure, and a number of other things have put me back years socially. Now, at 21, all I want to do is party and socialize non-stop to make up for lost time.

Imagine never having company over your house, hardly knowing any of your relatives, rarely taking vacations, rarely going out to eat or do things as a family, and just being overprotected so much that you fail to develop social skills. This is what my childhood was and I only recently realized how problematic that has been for me. How can I not blame my parents for these problems? I was always taught to be respectful to everyone and be a yes-man. Only since finding this site did I become more assertive and stop taking **** from people.

I get depressed thinking about the first 20 years of my life, which I've been doing at night lately. It seems like it was all a waste of time. I didn't party, didn't have many friends, didn't have much fun. My parents stressed doing well in school and I was addicted to the internet. I had no idea what I was missing because I had never had a social life. I try to make myself feel better by thinking that most people don't really start partying until high school at 15 or 16. Then, late bloomers don't start until 17 or 18 so I try to think I'm not that far behind, but I still get depressed thinking about it. I guess I feel kinda like the catholic school kid who is finally out on his own. It really is true...you just want to make up for lost time.

I wish it was as easy as just start partying and having fun now, but it's not. My social skills are undeveloped so every time I go out, I have to work on improving them. It's clear I'm far behind everyone else, but I'm doing whatever I can. I think I'm going to pick up some books that this forum has recommended to see if they can help me.

Don't bother telling me you are sick of hearing about depression or anything. I have had a rough life socially, but I am all about improving it. I'm not looking for anyone to console me; I know what I need to do and it's all on me. I just felt like getting this out there because I have been thinking about it a lot.

 

[numlock]

me, you, and countless others, are all in the same boat. realize that you're not alone; that you haven't been singled out.

remind yourself that the difference between you and the million other guys out there, is that you're getting out and doing something about it; you're improving yourself. compare your current social ability to what it was like a few years ago -- i bet you've noticed a huge improvement. i bet you're doing things now that you would have never done before -- and i know this because of your many posts on your progress.

the beauty of all this is that you can turn yourself around in such a short amount of time. what you do in the span of one year will be with you for the rest of your life.

 

[Jay_VCU]

I have the same problem too. I also went to a small private school. I'm seventeen now, so finding this site when I did helped me improve myself. I'm socializing with kids that go to the public schools and I'm getting better. You can do it too.

 

[John Juan]

You'll resent them as long as you need to..

For you, and anyone else out there who's gone through some difficult times growing up, you're not in the boat alone.

My father died when I was ten. My mother is an alcoholic. My grandfather (who was my biggest role model growing up) is about the most anti-social person you'll ever meet. I had no real role models growing up, no social environment, no one to ask for help.

I had no idea how to start a conversation with a girl I liked, much less even think about asking for her number, etc. I was anti-social to the nth degree, afraid of even bringing friends to my house to see the shameful conditions, my slurring mother, piles of trash on the living room floor, drug addicts and other drunks coming in and out as they please.. verbally abusing me, physically intimidating me, thankfully it never got to actual physical punishment. But the psychological impact was jarring nonetheless. I was paralyzed by fear whenever someone around me would start drinking. This of course made going to parties with my friends a very uncomfortable experience. So many social problems, no date for the prom, shyness, so little confidence, almost no hope that things would change..

but after HS graduation, I soon quickly realized that it was over! I had survived it! I went to a counselor after being dumped for the first time, and finally could see that my life was no longer dictated by abusers and the white trash life!

I taught myself how to tie a tie, how to ask a girl out, how to initiate conversations with total strangers, how to "keep the ball rolling", developed my own personality. It wasn't easy. I was depressed and AFC like hell for many years after leaving home. It takes awhile to get your confidence up.. but in the end I had to just cowboy up and do it because no one else can do it for you. And yeah, I still stumble here and there, but that's to be expected. Everyone stumbles. Nobody's perfect. Anyone who goes through a lot of sh*t has to be strong and just realize that to get better sometimes you have to take a couple steps back to go three forward. That's the same way everyone else does it. That's life.

The big thing that helps me is seeing where I am now as opposed to seven years ago. I've gone from total AFC who didn't even have the courage to ask a friend of a girl I was attracted to if her friend MIGHT be interested in talking to me to someone who is PROUD OF WHO I AM, confident around others, and has no problems striking conversations with attractive girls that I meet. I've found that the things I had to survive through have made me an infinitely interesting person, with a lot of insight to offer, stories (some very bizarre, some sad, some funny in a dark way, others just plain funny) to tell, and a well-rounded understanding of the ranges of emotions a person can experience. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about the way I grew up because I wouldn't be who I am today if that happened.

I'm sure it'll take a long time for you to let go of some of the anger. I still hold some animosity towards my mother for all the sh*t she drug me and my sister through growing up. But in the end, I've found that the only one that it hurts to have that resentment is me. It affects my mood, distracts me, takes time away from things that could be time much better spent (like reading up sosuave.com and hitting on HBs). I have forgiven my mom for what she's done. Doesn't mean I have to forget about the past, just makes me feel better because I don't have that weight to shoulder any longer. But take your time. Its been nearly 8 years since I "broke free" from my abusive upbringing, and I'm just now seeing the real benefits and peace of mind set in from all the initiative I've taken to improve myself.

One thing you'll definately want to consider is getting some counseling on this. It'll make you feel better just to empty your mind of all this frustration. Try going for six months, and schedule regular appointments. Don't let them sell you on taking anti-depressants though. That stuff is for the faint of heart, those who aren't willing to face their demons and smash them down where they belong. To take a drug doesn't strengthen character, or make you a better person.

Best wishes to you, and ALWAYS believe in yourself. You are the only constant in your own life, regardless of whoever may reject you, dump you, or try to prop you up, and you can make or break yourself with your own attitude. ALWAYS believe that you can, and you will eventually look back and laugh at all of it, at how much better off you are.

-jlc

 

[Walden]

I feel similarly , but at a lotta levels I think being a parent would be a helluva sticky wicket (I don't think I could do it), and you hafta forgive a lot, cos I don't know if I could do much better.











Did I just say "sticky wicket" ? (yeesh).

 

[falloutboy]

Dave, I used to think the same thing, because I also had very overprotective parents. But you gotta realize that it's futile to have animosity towards them--they only had good intentions. When you blame all your problems on your parents, you're using that as an excuse for not developing. At least that's what I did.

But it's only half the problem, cause it's also your OWN fault for not doing or being what you wanted. You see, my older brother and I had the same upbringing, and perhaps since he was the first my parents were even more protective of him. And yet, while I had few friends in school (and used my upbringing to RATIONALIZE it), and while my parents rarely let me go out, my brother was one of the most popular kids in school and a star football player (QB actually!). The difference is that my brother thought for himself. We were taught the same things growing up, but I accepted them unquestionably cause they came from my parents. On the other hand, my brother's only morals were his own, and not even the principal or superintendent(!) could argue with him but that's another story.

Only you can decide to accept or decline what other people tell you. You gotta accept that all the things that have happened in the past, you've let happen to you. Take responsibility for your actions, and realize that only you can decide where your life goes. Once you realize this perhaps you'll even appreciate your parents for all they've done. After all, they're just as human as everyone else.