how can i attract her back? help

[heartbursting]

this was originally an e-mail, but it should work for here. Is it possible that it just hasn't all hit her yet?
____________


I had been with a girl for 2 1/2 years - we feel in love, and we both agreed over and over that we were meant for each other and that we never wanted to leave each other's side. During our time together, I experienced many personal difficulties and struggles; however, we were in love with each other, and we always believed we could get through anything. I committed my whole heart to her. I ran into health problems, which led to depression and really dragged me down, but I held on to faith and we both stayed together. We have been best friends all this time.

Fast forward to now... a week ago, she told me out of nowhere that she doesn't know what to do, and she doesn't feel the same about me anymore - it's just 'not there' for her. This was a shock and very devastating to me, as I know we have not gone without struggle (there isn't a long-term relationship that doesn't) , but it's like she's just tried to push out everything that we've shared and change her life. I don't know... after she told me, we went a week of hardly exchanging a word, and i gave her space so she could find what she felt. But after a week, she came over to talk about it and said that she still doesnt feel anything for me. She read a long letter I wrote her saying how much I loved her unconditionally, and cared about her, and talked about things that had dwindled in the relationship, but would be renewed as my health finally improves (i got new medicine and am getting better by the day) , but her lack of feelings could not be convinced that there is still something really deep here. She cried and said that I feel so much for her, and she still doesnt even feel anything. So, this has been tearing me apart, but I have been dealing with many different things about myself that needed improvement, such as confidence and a better self-image. It is really weird seeing her without me by her side, and i care about her more than anyone in the world ever could. But she seems to be very confused about herself and what she wants, and feels. The thing is, as these feelings dwindled for her, she hid it from me and tried to act like they were there while she tried to get them back in the meantime. But she never communicated it to me; if she had, then i definately would have wanted to work on it together, and give her a reason to be more attracted to me and bring more spark into the relationship despite me feeling bad all the time and feeling low. In hindsight, there is just so much that could have been done before she made that decision in her mind to break it off.

Basically, I just want to know what you think. There is a big history and first-experiences between us that I haven't gone into, and I just don't see how, when I have practically been her whole life these past few years, she could just walk away and go on without missing me or feeling like something is lost. At this point, she knows how i feel, and knows that I still want her. Maybe it is the feeling of being persued that is making her miss me less and not desire to have me back. Since she knows how much i love her and want her, should I just completely back off and build confidence in myself? Is this likely to make her miss me or realize what she is missing? I don't think she has really felt like she has LOST me, b/c i'm still around, and still known to be available to her and persuing her. Maybe when that stops and I appear to move on, she will want me back? I realize so many things that I could have been doing to keep the interest level high, we were just so comfortable together and she used to tell me all the time that she loved every single thing about me and didn't want me to change anything. However, I know that while i've been going through a lot and my confidence and self-image dropped, and I didn't even really love myself, then it probably made me much less attractive. Should I just do my best to motivate myself and show confidence in myself?

Please just think about this a little and write me back as soon as you can. Anything you think I can or should do, let me know. I am still very in love with her, and love isn't just an infatuation short-lived or something that just goes away without you making yourself believe that nothing is there. If there's anything else you wanna know, like details, then just ask. I really don't want to lose her.

Oh yeah, and when she said we needed to break up, she just said that it was the right thing b/c we couldn't be together when she didn't feel the same. But I talked to her later, and she said she didn't miss me (or she didn't realize she misses me yet) , but she really wasn't sure if it was the RIGHT thing to do... she's unsure if she's supposed to be with me or not. So, she just seems really confused about herself and everything that's going on. I'm just giving her space now. Oh, and she's a year younger, going to be a Senior next year, while i'm about to graduate and go to college (but I applied to go close-by for a year) . In the past, having convos about me leaving, seemed to raise some anxieties. She would always say that i was going to find someone else, someone better, etc. So this could have been fear for a big part, and she just doesn't realize it... fear can really wear things down when they steal your focus, you can just worry about it so much and you're afraid that it will happen when you don't, so you just eventually make it happen. Anyway, I'm rambling, but get back to me if you want to, i'd really really appreciate it

 

[JSH]

Well, i sympathise with you and you could search for LTR, unfortunatley my attitude is that it is a lost one and over. Learn from your mistakes and benefit. Roll with the punches.

Now, why do you newbies never read what you are told to fo, go and read the Bible, it will start to help you sort yourself out into the kind of person you wnat to be. IMO do not be so needy and clingy.

Anyway good luck, sorry i cant help as my only advice would be get a new giirlfriend

 

[assassin]

Stop thinking about her. I know it's hard, next to impossible, but do everything you can to stop thinking about her, the situation, and everything around it. The reason I am saying this is because when something this big in your life hits you, it's all you think about, especially if you don't know the reason behind it. You'll question for months why she changed etc.. It will drive you crazy. Litteraly. So stop thinking about it and think about something else.

Why though?

Because, if you concentrate on this you'll just fall deeper into depression, which leads to suicide attempts, insanity, loss of friend, etc.. trust me. I've been there. What you need to do is COMPLETELY block her out of your mind and read the DJ Bible. Learn what she want's from a relationship and go for her again. Some people argue that once it's over it's over, but everyone is different and seeing as how you haven't ****ed things up too bad I think you still have a huge chance if you just forget her for the time being and read the DJ Bible. Start from the beginning with her.

Also I suggest that you date someone else before going back to her. Make it look like she lost something big, not an emotional wreck. Make it look like you are the prize. Also if you do get back together with her, flirt with other chicks. It probably sounds bad to you right now but this will make it seem like you are interested in other chicks and she'll see you as more of a prize.

Get her and the situation off your mind
Read and live the DJ Bible

Good luck from someone who's been there..

 

[Jester]

GRRR!!! shutup assassin. you dont know what the **** youre talking about so keep your mouth shut. youre making the situation much worse by opening your uneducated mouth. Dont try and give advice when you dont even know how to handle yourself.




Ahh ok heartbursting, you seem like a smart fellow. First thing i want you to do is create a new username for this board. Something that makes you happy when you read it.

Second thing i want you to do is to download aim if you dont have it, and send me a message im " YogurtTastesGo0d "
the second 0 in good is a zero.


Fellow DJs. This mans story unfortunately serves as evidence towards my theories on relationships. If anyone of you have ever read my post "She Will Never Care About You" that i posted over a year ago, you might remember that i predicted that situations exactly like this guys situation would happen.

It seems as though combined with other interest level decliners, youre exgirlfriend became tired of being the "strong one" because of your medical problems. This is unacceptable behavior, yet this behavior is a constant. In any relationship where your situation occurs, this loss of interest and probable breakup by the girlfriend will also occur.


Get some passions in life my man. Your girlfriend is a bad person. But she is no less than any other girl in any other relationship. Youve unfortunately been lied to all your life, just like the rest of this. ANd so now you hurt because of that lie. Perhaps though this was meant to happen to you, perhaps you will do something great now because you were able to break yourself free from the chain of lies. But that my friend is up to you.

I urge you to IM me.

 

[Da Joa]

I have a different solution. Assassin, I think you're on the right track, and Jester, the way you lashed out at him for merely trying to help this guy out was totally uncalled for.

To the orginal poster, first things first: it's over. Before you can do anything else, you have to accept that. However, instead of forgetting about the situation completely, I would step back and learn from it. You'll have plenty more shots with plenty of other girls, many of which who are hotter and have a better personality than your ex-gf (believe me). What you need to do is not keep asking hopelessly why this happened, and analyze the situation so that you will not make the same mistakes again.

Now, by referring to making mistakes, I am in no way implying that this relationship failed solely because of you. In fact, relationships fail for all types of reasons. But if you can be the bigger man and take an ego hit by rising up and admitting there were a few things you could have done differently, you can learn from this and turn a very negative experience into a very positive one.

I'm not going to get into all of it here, but it seems like you made a big point of expressing your love to this girl... which, while it may not make sense now, might not play to your benefit in the future. This is all covered in the DJ Bible, do yourself a favor and review it.

Contrary to what Jester was saying, I do not believe you were the victim of some sort of wide-spread conspiracy against men. It's really not that serious, and nowhere near as dramatic. It's simply an experience that you have to accept, analyze, and learn from.

And that's life.

 

[heartbursting]

Guys-

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply; I appreciate it (EACH of you). I respect each of your perspectives. I just don't really feel like i can communicate everything about our relationship. We had been together so long, everything about our lives is in common. We have the same friends, thus sit at the same table at lunch, go to the same church and youth group (we're going on a mission trip here in a month). I don't know, i'm just trying to play everything cool. Actually, based on the time that we've been around each other, she acts more like the one who has been broken up with than I do. Maybe it's just b/c it's uncomfortable for her but I dont know. I socialize and everything, make it clear that I can handle myself and that I have more confidence. I see her sometimes glancing at me or observing me out of the corner of my eye.

The thing is, based on everything that I've tried to express things and to show her that we are meant for each other and she has become oblivious to a lot of things, then I backed off and realized that I did everything that i could in my control to get her back, and the ultimate choice is hers. However, I think that I have more of a grasp over the outcome of this than I thought. While we were together, sometimes she would say things like "I just wish you had more confidence in yourself, and saw in you what I see." I really think that she will become attracted in me again, the things that made her fall in love with me in the first place. once she views me again from the outside, but still has all of those memories i dunno. But don't think that i'm letting any possibilities go to my head or cloud my view. I know that things can go many ways, and I am definately not dependent on her anymore. I do, however, still love her, and feel that God really led us to each other from the beginning (I don't know if any of you are Christians, but feel free to critisize my faith.. its not going anywhere). I've just decided that I'm going to be who I am, be confident but not over-joyous to the point where it's fake, and just see where it goes. If she doesn't want me back, then I know that someone else eventually will. My heart is still committed to her right now though.

 

[Ballistik]

Hey bro, I know how it is. How hard it can be. I can't even pretend to imagine what it must be like on your level, with 2 1/2 years in this relationship. My longest one was 4 1/2 months. But it just ended recently, the same way as yours did. Everything ahd been going great, my girlfriend was always there, I was her first everything (sex and orgasm included) except kiss, she was the first girl I said I loved, and then, swoosh, there goes the carpet from under me. "My feelings have changed." "I just don't feel the same way about you anymore. I don't know why."

Doesn't make sense, does it? I ain't gonna get into the reasons why it happened. I'm pretty sure I learned from the experience and won't repeat a few of the mistakes I made that led to the breakup. Hopefully you've learned from what happened to you as well. But the most important thing you can do right now... and I know how hard this is... is to do something else. Preferably all the time. Keep yourself occupied. Go places. The movies, clubs, bookstores, shows, comedy clubs, theme parks, friends' houses, whatever. See lots of people. Stay with friends. Do whatever you can to keep your mind distracted while time does its thing. Because, as ludicrous as it sounds, time will help heal you. I can't promise that it'll take away all the hurt. My relationship ended in February, and I still feel a twinge every single time I walk by her in the halls. More than a twinge on certain days. But I'm not depressed anymore, I don't pine for her, I've moved on and have new lovely ladies to spend my time with.

Don't let yourself wallow in misery. Keep busy. You might just attract the attention of someone new while you're diong it.

 

[JSH]

Originally posted by heartburstingGuys-

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply; I appreciate it (EACH of you). I respect each of your perspectives. I just don't really feel like i can communicate everything about our relationship. We had been together so long, everything about our lives is in common. We have the same friends, thus sit at the same table at lunch, go to the same church and youth group (we're going on a mission trip here in a month).

Most of us are able to in some way understandyour plight as many of us found the site through problems like yours. Although, i dont think i could have lasted 2 1/2 years with the same girl, I would have been driven crazy by the routine. Listen, we understand that this girl is central to your life, which is why if you had not been for such a long time with her, we would have reffered too her as your 'oneitiis', one you are obsessed by. This, IMO makes it even more imperative that you have to get away from her, break your cycle, get out of the mould (in both senses ) of your life. In order to get over her, wait i hear you cry, "i want to stay with her", listen and consider this. If you are over her, no longer under her captivating spell, you are more of a challenge (originally something good if you are looking to hook up) and you are a different person. She appears almost to have got bored of the relationship, again IMO she might have only stayed with you while you were ill out of a Christian sense of duty. She felt sorry for you and felt she could not leave you while you were ill, so she is doing so when you are getting better.

I don't know, i'm just trying to play everything cool. Actually, based on the time that we've been around each other, she acts more like the one who has been broken up with than I do. Maybe it's just b/c it's uncomfortable for her but I dont know. I socialize and everything, make it clear that I can handle myself and that I have more confidence. I see her sometimes glancing at me or observing me out of the corner of my eye.

That's right play it cool. It is uncomfortable, in me experiannce girls are always more wary about being friends, my xs (probably due to the way in which i responded to cheating or other breakup reasons) tend to be unable to look at me. I have no worries, im long over them. Socialising and remaining a person who you want to be is important. Maybe, she is still interested, maybe she feels guilty due to the way you reacted after the breakup. Mayb it is you over analysing or imagining things. Maybe you were looking weird. Mayb she still loves you desperatelly and secretly and wanted to break up as she couldnt handle you. See i can overanalyse things too.

The thing is, based on everything that I've tried to express things and to show her that we are meant for each other and she has become oblivious to a lot of things, then I backed off and realized that I did everything that i could in my control to get her back, and the ultimate choice is hers. However, I think that I have more of a grasp over the outcome of this than I thought. While we were together, sometimes she would say things like "I just wish you had more confidence in yourself, and saw in you what I see." I really think that she will become attracted in me again, the things that made her fall in love with me in the first place. once she views me again from the outside, but still has all of those memories i dunno.

Tried to show her you are meant for each other, maybe your new found clingyness is suffocating her and driving her away. Its good that you back off, but do not do it in such a way that you are supplicating yourself and saying, Mrs Pedastal, i am here for you to use as a doormat or emotional tampon.

But don't think that i'm letting any possibilities go to my head or cloud my view. I know that things can go many ways, and I am definately not dependent on her anymore. I do, however, still love her, and feel that God really led us to each other from the beginning (I don't know if any of you are Christians, but feel free to critisize my faith.. its not going anywhere). I've just decided that I'm going to be who I am, be confident but not over-joyous to the point where it's fake, and just see where it goes. If she doesn't want me back, then I know that someone else eventually will. My heart is still committed to her right now though.

Its good that you are not dependent on her anymore as you have to live your life not hers, and trust me (as you probably know), one persons life is hard enough to live. I am not going to criticise your faith, as nominally i am still Christian, but thats sounds almost Calvinist, in terms of pre destination.

I hate religion, but im almost too scared to totally renounce it as Pascal said it makes sense to gamble on god being alive. Im too scared to totally believe in it, because i like to think that i have an element of free choice in what i do.

Think about it, if God meant for you still to be together, you would still be together. If God meant for you two to be together, then he must have meant for you two to break up. I do not know what the kind of love you describe is, i have love for everything but i do not know what is referred to true love (id probably call it infatuation ) but are you sure you still LOVE HER. Be careful of using words like love as it implies a huge commitment and so powerful a feeling it will never leave. This makes you almost fatalistic.

All of your last lines is wonderful except for the very last line. The more you focus on her and almost give her a part of you, the less you will be able to live and enjoy yourself. Do what you said up to that. Do not give her undying love, fight against it, its bloody hard i know but . . .



Good Luck, and please do not destroy yourself over a girl, God will probably give you another better looking and more intelligent.

 

[NRM]

Heh, it's tough when someone breaks up with you and you come unprepared. You should try to never assume it will go on forever. If it does, then that's great and you'll be happy. But if it doesn't, it won't hit you as hard. Many relationships don't last and there are many relationships such as your own, hopefully you'll be able to cheer up about it.

As for the girl. It's over man, you're just gonna have to accept that. As a general rule, if she breaks up with you, she has lost more interest in you than you think. It is never all of a sudden, the feelings always build up. But once it gets to that point, you can't have her back. And this is especially true if she says she doesn't feel anything more for you.

Hopefully you'll learn from this. Also, after a breakup, you shouldn't go and tell her about how perfect you are for eachother and how much you love her. I know you feel it, but just imagine a girl that you don't like telling that to you, or maybe a person considered just a friend. It's not worth it.

Also, if for some reason one day she does agree to take you back, it is going to be a hard relationship. You should never get back with your ex because it just becomes a terrible relationship where she knows she can leave you and come back when she wants. It's not a concious thing, she did it once and she could do it again, it's not on her character. You should always be the dominant one in the relationship.

Just try to move on and forget about her, there's no way back into this one. Pull up a "I don't need her" additude and you'll feel tons better. Good luck man.

 

[Jester]

la de da....la de da...


heartbursting, your name is still pathetic.


This is why your girlfriend left you...because you are a wimp. Wimps get dumped. They get dumped because a wimpy dude offers no excitement, no wet panties from your not- so animal masculinity, no fear of losing you when you forever devote yourself to her.

You are wimp.


But u know what dude? ITS ALL FAKE SO U SHOULDNT CARE ANYWAY. cant go light on you mother****ers can i? Just doesnt get through the denial you AFCs are in.

But what about love? Love is something that is earned. Not through words, not through hugs kisses and f-ucks. Earned through SOMEONE going out of their way, away from their agenda, to help you when you need it.

I won't call you guys stupid for not knowing this(that would be stupid of me), but i will call you stupid if you dont want to listen to it and perhaps gain some answers about life.

You feel bad because you had chemicals that created attachment released in your brain. Youre now going through withdraw, like any other common-crack addict. Now you have the truth presented to you, (dont give me bullsh1t about your religion either dooshbag cause that has nothing to do with the subject), its up to you what you wanna do with it.

Be happy...or be a pathetic wimp getting dumped over and over because youre chasing your chemical addiction to infatuation.

Your call, try using that big brain of yours.

aim : YogurtTastesGo0d

 

[JSH]

heartbursting, please listen and do not lose this opportunity, im there to help as well

AIM: Nik 1 JSH
MSN:J_is_the_best@hotmail.com
ICQ: 214326284

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