Advice from the old lady:
My reply will be nuanced. I think this is a very important topic and I cannot speak for all women but I know my experience and I know other women who have shared their experience with me over the years, married as well as single and I think there are a number of things to be mindful of...
Being a good lover is an acquired skill. It is learned. Women’s anatomy is rather different than a man’s anatomy (obvious enough) and so lovers must learn generally what is pleasant for the opposite sex and then what specifically pleases a particular partner.
Notice where the above paragraph puts emphasis...on the partner, not on self.
A great lover seeks to please their partner and learn the partners preferences while also knowing what turns them on and is willing to communicate with and listen/pay attention to what their lover needs/wants/desires while also meeting their own needs. A great lover is personal and tuned in to the partner while also pleasing oneself.
Self gratification doesn’t make a good or great lover. There are men who have had lots and lots of sex who are not great at sex. The sexual act itself isn’t the end all be all. If a man simply goes into a trance like state and pounds away during penetration he’s actually disconnected from his partner no matter how physically satisfying his anatomy might be. Sexual trance and being in one’s mind has a place in sexual repotoire but if that’s where a man always goes? It’s going to be a disconnected experience for his partner UNLESS she is doing the same thing. This is where two people use one another for essentially mutual masterbation with a partner. She knows her spots, she uses him to get off, he uses her to get off. It may be hot...but it’s shallow and doesn’t build connection as lovers. These are your hot & heavy sexual relationships that ignite fast & burn out fast. There isn’t any human connection built.
My recent exBF struggled to connect. He has a long history of flame up & flame out relationships. He’s a GREAT seducer. Great at touching, kissing and knowing how to bed women. But he is a so-so lover in that he goes more to self gratification and has a hard time connecting. Now. Once he’s connected that changes. But it took time for him to let his guard down emotionally. And then comes all his internal freak outs that his guard is down...that’s another topic altogether.
There are several components to this. First is learning what and how to do things. Be open and receptive to instructions guys. Learn to kiss. Learn a woman’s body. Learn to slow down & be sensual. Years ago I was fortunate in that my first lover taught me what my body could do. Keep in mind, especially that with inexperienced women, she may not really know what to do herself. After that LTR I became involved with someone else (who remains a friend almost 30 years later) and he really wasn’t a great kisser and didn’t really know how to touch and explore a woman. So having learned from that first LTR, I taught him how to please me. It was awkward to have that communication but it paid off. Even today he credits me with teaching him how to touch a woman. It’s kind of a sweet acknowledgement. So be open to learning & exploring. That means listening to your partner.
There are people (this applies equally to men & women) who can physically enjoy one another sans emotional connection or involvement. Without bonding. I would say these are people who actually fear or experience difficulty bonding in part due to promiscuous behavioral patterns. These are your high notch count people.
Then there are people who seek emotional connection and who seek to bond. I’m in this camp. For me to really open up sexually I’ve got to have emotional connection and investment with and from my partner. This takes time to occur.
So it’s in my view a combination of skill (knowing what/how to do), and what each partner is seeking from the interaction.
As you might imagine getting a self gratification person together with a person desirous of emotional bonding can be a challenging mismatch to a degree.
Actual anatomy is nice if a man has it, but skill is more important in my view.
Learn the skills. Look up good kisser for example on the forum. I know in years past I’ve contributed content explaining good and not so good kissing technique for example...
Maybe Ill try and find that thread. It’s important to learn.
Cheers
