Hot sex; cold shoulder... talk or action?

[Qualtran]

Long story short, I became friends with a girl about 6 months ago while I was in a serious relationship with another and ended up hooking up with her a month ago, and breaking things off with the one I was in a relationship with. I told her I did not break up with the girl to be with her... but yeah, she didn't really buy it.

We've continued hooking up and have had sex about 10 times, but this chick has been really hot and cold. I've never said any "I love you's" or anything like that. One second she will be all over me, then the next time I see her it will seem like I'm starting all over with her again.

She obviously thought from the second I broke up with the other girl that she had me, and that combined with the fact that I have been available to her quite a bit has resulted in me probably not seeming like much of a challenge. I guess I sort of thought that since I had been friends with her for a while first I didn't need to play those games as much. And in my last quite a few relationships I never had to try to play any games, as it just sort of happened naturally.

Now, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and the question is... do I now try to be cold to her and be busy if she wants to hang out, or do I just straight ask her whats up with her being hot and cold? I'm a little pressed for time since the end of the semester is mid May and I'll be out of country all summer... so I want to try to do the most effective thing in the shortest time possible... Any suggestions?

 

[spider_007]

she was probably looking for one of those; "friends with benefits" type of relationships (she'll never admit to it, but she did sleep with you when you ware unavailable). If it was me, I'd keep looking and still hit her on the side.

 

[Qualtran]

I have kept on looking and seeing other girls (theres no shortage of available chicks here)... but I've definitely developed feelings for this one.

I get the sense that she has feelings for me too... examples:

1. the other night I went to a party at her place and both of us were doing our own thing but a few times I passed by her she seemed to brush me off. So after I hadn't seen her for a bit, I took of with a friend and went on to other parties and bars... I get a message from her within minutes asking what had happened to me and why had I left like that. Then an hour later she calls again, and much later on in the night I return to her party. When I get there, she immediately starts saying "sorry I was so cold earlier" etc... and kisses me a bunch... then comes home with me...

2: yesterday I saw her on the street and we chatted briefly and I hugged her goodbye and after she kept on looking at me like she wanted me to kiss her, so I of course did, and she kissed back... in public... and smiled afterwards...

She said a whole bunch of stuff in the beginning about how we couldn't let too much happen sexually, get to close, etc... to which I simply laughged and said whatever... basically she has been very guarded, but has let many of the barriers she put up fall as time has gone by.

So now I just want to be able to have a good time with her without having things seem so ambiguous. Friends with benefits is fine, but her hot and coldness has been getting on my nerves.

So back to the orginal question: do I directly talk to her about this, or back off like I did the night at the party and see if she makes the effort to come after me again?

 

[Beginner1]

Wow, I was and sort of in the same boat as you.
This girl I was seeing was so hot and cold and I actually said to her flat out "what are you looking for, because if we are both on different pages, there is no sense either of us trying to change the other"

She told me that sometimes she changes her mind all the time. She actually said that she knows that she acts hot and cold and that is just her. I do feel as though I could have a "friends with benefits" relationship but, I am really not sure if I really want that because I was actually loking for a normal relationship.

Now thinking back I wish I knew this what she wanted from day one. Now that she knows we are sort of on different pages I have no freaking idea how to let her know that I wouldn't mind doing the "friends with benefits" thing.

Does anyone know of a subtle way I can let her know that anytime she wants to have a little fun, that I am game?

I think she may not buy into it to much cause she already knows what I originally wanted out of it.

Damn this sucks, I screwed myself I think

 

[Qualtran]

Beginner1... that does sound pretty similar to how my situation was a bit earlier on. I worked through the different pages thing and had a good friends with benefits thing going on. I basically got to that point by continually telling her that I just wanted to have fun and I would tell her there was no reason to bring up the "what do you want out of this" question because that would just complicate things. So basically I would reccomend making moves on her and if she objects on the grounds that she doesn't want something serious, assure her that you don't either, and that you just want to have have a good time with her and that there is no reason to worry.

Thats what I did and we now hang out and hook up time to time and have sex sometimes, but if you really like the girl (like I do), you may end up running into the problem I am now talking about, which is you may find yourself getting more and more into the girl, yet she still does the hot and cold thing.

Hmmm, I would like to see if anyone else on this board has more input for situations like ours...

 

[Qualtran]

hmmm, still haven't gotten much of a response to the question I originally asked in this post...

Here it is in short form: If you are unsure of where you stand with a chick because she has been hot and cold, should you back off and see if she comes to you, or should you just bring it up and ask her what her deal is?

 

[spider_007]

If you can ask her with out getting all "mushy, feeley" I personally don't see notting wrong with it. If you ignore her, as you found out before, she will come to you. It just doesn't seam to me like this relationship is gona lead to anything long term.

Oh and; another possibility is you might be doing something wrong with thisone (because you got feelings) and it's making her confused; attracted one minute, ewwww the other.

 

[Skullcrusher]

Qualtran, be direct and ask since it's bugging you. The answer you will get will be obvious. It won't be pleasant and it will go along the lines of "I like you, but I don't like you"

Prepare for the hurt buddy.

I'm speaking from my own experience. Go for other girls please.

 

[xblitz44x]

Maybe she doesn't want a boyfriend? Maybe she's just looking to hookup and have fun and you're giving her relationship vibes? I'd ask her to find out what page she's on. If she doesn't want a relationship, then she may back off. But at least you know that you both want different things and there's no point at trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

 

[Qualtran]

Well, I decided to wait things out instead of bringing anything up to her. So I played it cool the last few days, not asking her to meet up or anything, and she ended up asking me to dinner. We met a few blocks from my place and she immediately was very friendly, and we walked back to my place with our arms around eachother. We started making out at my place almost immediately, made dinner, then had sex, showered together, and chilled for a while. I walked her home, arms around eachother, and we kissed goodbye on her doorstep.

soo.... it looks like i was getting all worked up for nothing... definitely a bit confused still, but feeling pretty good right now!