Hope for my marriage?

[TonyJ78]

I've been separated since September and have barely gotten my feet wet in the dating scene other than a fling I had with a woman at work that turned out to be a con artist. Anyway I've made all the classic AFC mistakes and I'll admit it. My wife and I have been together since high school, so it's been almost 27 years. We were best friends, and of course I put her on a pedestal and became a doormat, causing her to lose respect for me and stop desiring me like she did initially. We haven't had sex in probably 3 years now, partly because she stopped bugging me about it and I just wasn't interested anymore. For one, she gained a ton of weight, and for another when we did she would just lie there and expect me to do all the work, then freak out when I couldn't get it up because, well, why the hell would I be turned on at that point? The thing is, I still deeply love her and enjoy being with her. We still hang out but I've kind of distanced myself a little as I'm not sure if there is any hope for us. Sex isn't the most important thing to me like some people but I do want a healthy sex life in the relationship. Do you guys see any way that could still happen with this woman?

 

[jimwho]

She should want to make a MAJOR effort if she cared. Life is too damb short to be stuck with that. Luck

 

[TonyJ78]

She should want to make a MAJOR effort if she cared. Life is too damb short to be stuck with that. Luck

Yeah, I know. I also realize I made my share of mistakes in the relationship just as she has and it caused us to grow apart. But when I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore she was devastated and she's told me that she has laid awake nights hoping I would come to my senses. She's suggested marriage counseling but as it's been said, that will only address 'negotiation' for sex out of obligation, i.e. if I do the things she wants me to do, and that's part of the reason we're in this mess in the first place. I believe that if I talked to her and told her the things I wanted, she would likely comply, but I don't know if there's a way to gain back her desire, even if I change my ways (i.e. stop being an AFC).

 

[SW15]

I don't think it is salvageable in any way. The relationship has lasted 27 years, far outliving its useful life. The appropriate ending time would have been when she started gaining weight. 0 zero in 3 years is bad, but sex frequency likely starting declining long before 2019 (3 years ago). My guess is that the relationship lasted at least 10-15 years too long.

Married couples enjoy touting the length of their relationship as a sign of their success. Long term unmarried couples do this as well but to a lesser extent. Most monogamous romantic relationships have a shelf life of goodness of about 5 years at best. Having a good frame and more alpha tendencies makes this shelf life of goodness longer. A stronger alpha presence is the difference between 5 good years vs. 2-3 good years for someone more beta.

A lot of relationships tend to meander on due to inertia and societal pressures. If you look at a 10 year long relationship that ultimately fails, in most cases, only the first 2-5 years were good, high quality years. The second half of that relationship was mediocre to subpar. Romantic relationships, once they form, often have a way of lasting far longer than they should last.

In a way, guys with shorter relationship histories are better at monogamous romantic relationships because they aren't sticking around mediocre to subpar relationships for too long. Blue pill society tends to value longer durations of relationships more for reasons I don't perceive as valid.

Additionally, some men don't do relationships at all and go through life mainly in casual sex arrangements.

 

[Zimbabwe]

There is always hope, the most important thing is communication and compromise. A dead bedroom is the number one reason most marriages end

 

[Konada]

"We were best friends, and of course I put her on a pedestal and became a doormat, causing her to lose respect for me and stop desiring me like she did initially."

Be the man that attracted her in the first place. Think back what was she attracted to you about and act accordingly.

If you're not being a role model in the relationship, you have no position to tell her to get off her fat ass to lose weight because you aren't being the part as well.

Not saying she has no fault in this, but you need to be the man she respects and wants to be led by to turn things around.

 

[RangerMIke]

When a woman starts packing on the weight she just isn't feeling it anymore. She feels trapped, depressed, and she's given up. That is her way to chase you off. Also as soon as she starts getting b1tchy, you are on your way out.

Women don't just come out and tell you she's done with you... she'll start being less attractive, more disagreeable, and she'll keep ramping up her unattractiveness until you've had enough and leave.

I get that you still care about your wife, I've been there... I'm still there. She is the mother of my kids. Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to us. We get along much better now then the last 3 years we were married. Divorce is the way to go.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

I've been separated since September and have barely gotten my feet wet in the dating scene other than a fling I had with a woman at work that turned out to be a con artist. Anyway I've made all the classic AFC mistakes and I'll admit it. My wife and I have been together since high school, so it's been almost 27 years. We were best friends, and of course I put her on a pedestal and became a doormat, causing her to lose respect for me and stop desiring me like she did initially. We haven't had sex in probably 3 years now, partly because she stopped bugging me about it and I just wasn't interested anymore. For one, she gained a ton of weight, and for another when we did she would just lie there and expect me to do all the work, then freak out when I couldn't get it up because, well, why the hell would I be turned on at that point? The thing is, I still deeply love her and enjoy being with her. We still hang out but I've kind of distanced myself a little as I'm not sure if there is any hope for us. Sex isn't the most important thing to me like some people but I do want a healthy sex life in the relationship. Do you guys see any way that could still happen with this woman?

It always starts with yourself, not her.

Are you the best man you potentially can be in all fields?
Are you in shape and hitting the gym, putting a dent in the universe running your own company or being one for the front runners in your industry etc?

You cannot fake desire and without it any so called relationship is dead. If you have dad bod well you need to start there and get i really good shape and get your six pack back. If you want her to desire you then she must know that other women desire you too. This is how women work (I know they are fu'cked up little children, that is how the cookie crumbles). If you cannot speak w0manese yet after 27 years, then now is the time to learn it. Read books like for example The rational male, The book of Pook (linked above) ask the guys here etc. and learn to better yourself. You deserve a better life mate, but you need to work for it to happen.

Now with that said these things are hard to save once the the desire is gone, mostly because women who lost their feelings have in most cases already moved on (to next man/backup guy). I cannot speak of you case tho, but on the flipside once you reach your peak potential you might not want her back anyway because you might have many options at that point. But if you really love heck then what stopping you to build yourself up and at least give it a try, right?
(I will not give you any false hopes because either way its going to be hard).

Best of luck..

 

[Dr.Suave]

She gained weight, she dosent pass the boner test anymore. Its over.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

She gained weight, she dosent pass the boner test anymore. Its over.

That is also I would argue a woman tactic of w0manese of saying "I'm not into you so no sex from me so do not touch me" by getting out of shape/fat. (or she could just be complacent and taking things for granted of course because she locked her target e.g. getting marred or a combo of both)

 

[AureliusMaximus]

communication and compromise

is what you do when these is no desire left. Basically the continuation of the process "betatization by a thousand concessions" and in many cases it doesn't end well. At least not for the guy. You're often better off to know when to walk away because it is not worth wasting your time on "saving the marriage". After all, you only have one life.

Trick question:

 

[TonyJ78]

Thanks to everyone who responded. For those that addressed it, yeah I'm working on myself. I was never in horrible shape but I put on some weight too because I got tired of caring, but I've been going to the gym regularly for the last 6 months, getting my diet on track and working on myself. I've also read The Rational Male and have been diving into all the material on here.

I would say in my wife's case it was just complacence. She's kind of lazy to be honest. She had said in the past that if I got her a personal trainer she would do it. I guess at this point I'm waiting for some show of effort from her. I want her to work for it a little. In the mean time I'm actually getting ready to hit up a couple coffee houses and talk to some women, then tonight probably go bar hopping. I probably won't go sleeping with anyone for awhile unless I find someone I'm really interested in. And if so, I'll avoid making the same mistakes.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

This reminds me of the old days I spent on the MMSL forum trying to save my own marriage. Which led me to the ancient Manosphere that led me to Old Roosh, “no more mr nice guy” (dr. Glover) op: you might pick up this book. And when Roosh went parabolic, landed here.

Op: feel free to dm me, I’ll share some resources for married men trying to save their marriage that wouldn’t pass muster for a forum full of DJ’s, so I won’t bore them with it.

 

[jimwho]

She's kind of lazy to be honest. She had said in the past that if I got her a personal trainer she would do it. I guess at this point I'm waiting for some show of effort from her.

This is beyond unacceptable, millions of men will verify that the best plan for your future is to cut ties. She will kick and scream and fight. She is guaranteed to play every card she has, but it's all a Ruse to get what she wants. Dude! If you value yourself and are done with being a (Insert what she uses you for) , if you think you deserve to enjoy your life than it's an easy answer. I wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as her, that's just Fakery!

 

[AureliusMaximus]

This is beyond unacceptable, millions of men will verify that the best plan for your future is to cut ties. She will kick and scream and fight. She is guaranteed to play every card she has, but it's all a Ruse to get what she wants. Dude! If you value yourself and are done with being a (Insert what she uses you for) , if you think you deserve to enjoy your life than it's an easy answer. I wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as her, that's just Fakery!

She's kind of lazy to be honest. She had said in the past that if I got her a personal trainer she would do it.

Dudebro....
This is at least 80% of all women. They are all mostly lazy and have nothing going for them. They just watch retarded chick flick series on Netflix, chat on/post on social media all day etc., and bring absolutely nothing to the table except their ass and their fading looks. Women know that they do not have to work for it. Most guys are drooling over that they just show up with their ass, tits and face. It is way more than enough in most cases, except for when they meet real high value guys that exists like here on SS. Then they suddenly need to work at it, which they will if they really want him, (But another discussion for another thread so I won't dig into that topic deep)

'Women are made from birth, while men have to be built from birth'.

In other words:
Girls are born with a inborn high value (E.g. their looks, youthful energy, fertility which both men look for and older women crave after.), and do not need work for it, they just need to grow up to be hot smoking babe which society will crave and look for (which they lose around 25-30 years of age) while us men we are born with no value at all as far as society goes. We men have to work for it to become valuable to society and women and will have to work to build our selves to the point were we finally become high value men which is usually around the 30-40ties.[/quote][/quote]

 

[bat soup]

I've been separated since September and have barely gotten my feet wet in the dating scene other than a fling I had with a woman at work that turned out to be a con artist. Anyway I've made all the classic AFC mistakes and I'll admit it. My wife and I have been together since high school, so it's been almost 27 years. We were best friends, and of course I put her on a pedestal and became a doormat, causing her to lose respect for me and stop desiring me like she did initially. We haven't had sex in probably 3 years now, partly because she stopped bugging me about it and I just wasn't interested anymore. For one, she gained a ton of weight, and for another when we did she would just lie there and expect me to do all the work, then freak out when I couldn't get it up because, well, why the hell would I be turned on at that point? The thing is, I still deeply love her and enjoy being with her. We still hang out but I've kind of distanced myself a little as I'm not sure if there is any hope for us. Sex isn't the most important thing to me like some people but I do want a healthy sex life in the relationship. Do you guys see any way that could still happen with this woman?

Relationships don't last forever. 27 years is a good run, it's far more than most people ever experience. But now it's over and it's time to move on.

 

[Konada]

Thanks to everyone who responded. For those that addressed it, yeah I'm working on myself. I was never in horrible shape but I put on some weight too because I got tired of caring, but I've been going to the gym regularly for the last 6 months, getting my diet on track and working on myself. I've also read The Rational Male and have been diving into all the material on here.

I would say in my wife's case it was just complacence. She's kind of lazy to be honest. She had said in the past that if I got her a personal trainer she would do it. I guess at this point I'm waiting for some show of effort from her. I want her to work for it a little. In the mean time I'm actually getting ready to hit up a couple coffee houses and talk to some women, then tonight probably go bar hopping. I probably won't go sleeping with anyone for awhile unless I find someone I'm really interested in. And if so, I'll avoid making the same mistakes.

Great to hear that you are working on yourself. You will need to have a honest conversation with her and put your foot down that how she's acting isn't working for you. Offer your support for her to get working on herself. (No this doesn't mean hiring a personal trainer for her, tell her to get her sh!t in order herself.)

Either she shapes up and follows you to the gym or she gets kicked out.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Weight gain is unacceptable. This has long been over, OP. This is my biggest concern entering into a marriage myself ( I get married in a few months). Men should take personal offense to their woman gaining weight. It is the utmost disrespect.

 

[SW15]

Married couples enjoy touting the length of their relationship as a sign of their success. Long term unmarried couples do this as well but to a lesser extent. Most monogamous romantic relationships have a shelf life of goodness of about 5 years at best.

Relationships don't last forever. 27 years is a good run, it's far more than most people ever experience. But now it's over and it's time to move on.

This is the kind of thinking that I think is problematic on how Western culture tends to perceive relationships. Relationships are often judged by duration, which is erroneous thinking. I think it is better to celebrate people who leave relationship at the moment things go bad instead of wasting years of their lives. For instance, I had two cousins divorce during the 2010s. Their total relationship times were 12 and 13 years respectively. Both of them wasted somewhere between 5-10 years of their lives on "dead relationships".

 

[bat soup]

This is the kind of thinking that I think is problematic on how Western culture tends to perceive relationships. Relationships are often judged by duration, which is erroneous thinking. I think it is better to celebrate people who leave relationship at the moment things go bad instead of wasting years of their lives. For instance, I had two cousins divorce during the 2010s. Their total relationship times were 12 and 13 years respectively. Both of them wasted somewhere between 5-10 years of their lives on "dead relationships".

I'm not saying that's good or bad, necessarily. Just that it's a very long time. Nobody should expect a relationship to last longer than that.