Holding grudges

[Jor-El]

Not strictly women related but,we are told by self help books,podcasts, youtube relationship experts etc to not hold grudges,as they can make you bitter and hold you back and the rest of it. So,the question is,how do we square that with the advice we also get,to not tolerate disrepect,to call people out for their hurtful actions,to not put up with crap,be a doormat etc etc... taking this to the extreme,if we want to do the former point do we ignore the latter point,instantly becoming a doormat ?! Id be interested to hear what the wiser heads on here have to say because I find it hard to do both...................

 

[inquisitor]

If you have grudges, let it go in a healthy manner by either: letting it go somewhere else (e.g. somewhere productive, something that benefits you long-term), or letting it go on the person itself, being mindful of what you say. Conflicts are better than stillness.

Alex Hormozi once said something along these lines: keep winning until your haters disappear into irrelevance.

 

[The Diver]

Not strictly women related but,we are told by self help books,podcasts, youtube relationship experts etc to not hold grudges,as they can make you bitter and hold you back and the rest of it. So,the question is,how do we square that with the advice we also get,to not tolerate disrepect,to call people out for their hurtful actions,to not put up with crap,be a doormat etc etc... taking this to the extreme,if we want to do the former point do we ignore the latter point,instantly becoming a doormat ?! Id be interested to hear what the wiser heads on here have to say because I find it hard to do both...................

Calling people out, not being a doormat, not tolerating disrespect, etc, is done by asserting your boundaries. If said person does not adhere to your boundaries, you remove yourself from the situation, remove the said person from your life, and focusing living your life .

By holding a grudge toward the said person, you're loosing control of your emotional state; and by doing so, you surround control of your mindset to the said person.

Holding a grudge came from a place of insecurity. If you know your worth and have high self-esteem and self-confidence, the said person is like a fly on an elephant ar$$.

Anyone who try to put you down in any way, meaning you're above them!

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

People hold grudges when their boundary defences were penetrated against their will.

If you properly maintain your boundaries and don't allow people to cross them, you don't need to hold grudges.

 

[Jor-El]

Good answers all,cheers

 

[Vending Machine Veteran]

I've never been able to hold a grudge against anyone.

I have been able to cut people off for good.

You cross a line, bye.

I wish the best for ya, but on your own time

 

[DreamAgain]

When you cut someone off, go no contact, whatever it may be, this is not holding a grudge. You are just removing a person who subtracts from your life rather than adds to it.

 

[Fruitbat]

Agree with all the above about boundary enforcement.

Here’s a question: What about when the boundary trampler is senior in a workplace?

I have an issue where this happened. The guy was well out of line and I told him so. Issue is I do somewhat depend on this guy partly to move the business forward. A feud with him hurts us both, but me more, and in the long run I will get fired before him.

When younger I would duck out and supplicate but not now. I told him he was out of line, called my boss and told him I wasn’t happy (he spoke to the guy) and I plan on raising this with one other senior, try to get a copy of the call and I will tell the guy to his face I didn’t like it, I am not backing down.

However, I will also stress I want us to work together, he’s a good bloke etc and no hard feelings.

issue is now if he trampled on me again I will have to leave. I just can’t accept being kicked around under any curcumstances anymore. This guy is known to have a bully side to him hence my tactic has been to shout and make noise etc rather than take it. I want to make myself a very difficult target with great cost of engagement.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

What about when the boundary trampler is senior in a workplace?

Involve HR.
Don't fight with 'superiors', they have superiors too.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Here’s a question: What about when the boundary trampler is senior in a workplace?

I have an issue where this happened. The guy was well out of line and I told him so. Issue is I do somewhat depend on this guy partly to move the business forward. A feud with him hurts us both, but me more, and in the long run I will get fired before him.

When younger I would duck out and supplicate but not now. I told him he was out of line, called my boss and told him I wasn’t happy (he spoke to the guy) and I plan on raising this with one other senior, try to get a copy of the call and I will tell the guy to his face I didn’t like it, I am not backing down.

Be more specific: What happened, and what did you consider to be "out of line"?

 

[Bokanovsky]

Not strictly women related but,we are told by self help books,podcasts, youtube relationship experts etc to not hold grudges,as they can make you bitter and hold you back and the rest of it. So,the question is,how do we square that with the advice we also get,to not tolerate disrepect,to call people out for their hurtful actions,to not put up with crap,be a doormat etc etc... taking this to the extreme,if we want to do the former point do we ignore the latter point,instantly becoming a doormat ?! Id be interested to hear what the wiser heads on here have to say because I find it hard to do both...................

There is a difference between not tolerating disrespect and holding a grudge. People hold grudges usually do so because tolerated disrespect in the past.

 

[Fortune_favors_the_bold]

You (everyone) hold grudges after suffering an injustice and sometime it's not even the injustice itself but the fact that you've been owned and felt impotent.

Then there is the whole thing about public humiliation which is probably the main driving factors for school shooters and domestic violence.

Two possible solutions.

1)Realize that it's not productive to still think about it cause it's keeping part of your brainpower busy, forgive and forget.

2)Pull a count of montecristo on the responsible (if you're too dumb for that a big stick will do).

What doesnt work for sure is to talk about it with others that had no role or interest in that or keep it in your head for years.

 

[Fruitbat]

Be more specific: What happened, and what did you consider to be "out of line"?

it’s a lot to go into, but I understand why you’re asking and it’s valid.

I explained it to:

A friend who works in the industry and has done my job for a decade
An equivalent level manager to me (I didn’t mention anything about the argument/names just explained the situation)
Someone senior in my Channel but didn’t mention names just the situation.

alll of them backed me up.

Essentially I did a process the same way the company has always done a process, and this guy got involved and ascribed all the failings of the process to me (I am well aware of the issues and have been vocal in trying to sort them out) and personalised the criticism - stating it’s due to my career background and lack of expertise when the process is nothing to do with me.

 

[BaronOfHair]

it’s a lot to go into, but I understand why you’re asking and it’s valid.

I explained it to:

A friend who works in the industry and has done my job for a decade
An equivalent level manager to me (I didn’t mention anything about the argument/names just explained the situation)
Someone senior in my Channel but didn’t mention names just the situation.

alll of them backed me up.

Essentially I did a process the same way the company has always done a process, and this guy got involved and ascribed all the failings of the process to me (I am well aware of the issues and have been vocal in trying to sort them out) and personalised the criticism - stating it’s due to my career background and lack of expertise when the process is nothing to do with me.

Applying very basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be helpful in situations like these

Start by writing out(In a short sentence)what this senior manager said and did, what thoughts flashed through your mind immediately after he said what he said and did what he did, and the emotions you experienced after having those thoughts

Before we respond to any external event, it's prudent for us to establish a lucid view of reality, rather than acting on one that's clouded by inflamed emotions and perceptions that aren't especially accurate

Example of what I'm talking about here:

What happened - "The GM shouted "You're nothing but a f-ckup!!!" at me during a board meeting"

Thoughts that flashed through my mind, immediately after what happened -

"That bottom feeding a-shole SHOULD be more polite and respectful towards me!!!"

"After all I've done for this company, that dunderheaded oaf and everyone else in this office SHOULD be shaking my hand and cheering each time they see me, instead of calling me names!!!"

"If I don't put The GM in his place, by publicly humiliating him ten times as badly as he humiliated me, everyone else in the office will think I'm a pushover"

"If everyone else in the office thinks I'm a pushover, my entire working life will consist of nothing but me getting nonstop s-it from everyone from The COO to the janitor"

"It'll be awful, horrible, and unbearable if everyone at the office stops treating me with the respect I'm entitled to"

"I MUST launch a counterattack of some sort soon, otherwise my career is going to go to s-it before the week is up"

Emotions those thoughts generated - Surprise, Shock, Unease, Terror, Fear, Trapped, Helplessness, Rage, Fury, Defeatedness, Anguish, Emasculation, Hopelessness

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Back in the small town I'm from I still hear about people talking about me 20 years later and not in a good way.

Thing is, guys say they hate you, well the girls that hate them will be all over you.

Truth is, if society were to devolve today, we wouldn't just be able to get back because 10% of the population would use that time simply to settle whatever beefs they had whether they be 20 years or 20 seconds old.. Often regular conversations and things can take on this dysfunctional energy of the past, people channel these sentiments through every vector they can in life... They might not remember what you said, but they'll always remember how what you said made them feel.

The other part of the situation is this: you have people who want to tell everybodies story but their own, they want to point fingers, argue, anything in the pursuit of endless distraction, I remember I met my Aunties friends son the other day, first thing he says to me when I arrive at his house, "You shouldn't park there, that guys an *******" like OK, so how long until I do something to bother you and suddenly I'm the ******* to everybody you ever talk to? Yeah I said about 3 words to this guy

Then of course you have the narcissists but that's a harder conversation to have because a lot of the DJ Bible is simply mimicking narcissist behaviors, we heavily employ dark triad here, spinning plates as a concept is about never letting the plates touch or it turns into a ****ing mess and it does.

 

[Fruitbat]

Applying very basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be helpful in situations like these

Start by writing out(In a short sentence)what this senior manager said and did, what thoughts flashed through your mind immediately after he said what he said and did what he did, and the emotions you experienced after having those thoughts

Before we respond to any external event, it's prudent for us to establish a lucid view of reality, rather than acting on one that's clouded by inflamed emotions and perceptions that aren't especially accurate

Example of what I'm talking about here:

What happened - "The GM shouted "You're nothing but a f-ckup!!!" at me during a board meeting"

Thoughts that flashed through my mind, immediately after what happened -

"That bottom feeding a-shole SHOULD be more polite and respectful towards me!!!"

"After all I've done for this company, that dunderheaded oaf and everyone else in this office SHOULD be shaking my hand and cheering each time they see me, instead of calling me names!!!"

"If I don't put The GM in his place, by publicly humiliating him ten times as badly as he humiliated me, everyone else in the office will think I'm a pushover"

"If everyone else in the office thinks I'm a pushover, my entire working life will consist of nothing but me getting nonstop s-it from everyone from The COO to the janitor"

"It'll be awful, horrible, and unbearable if everyone at the office stops treating me with the respect I'm entitled to"

"I MUST launch a counterattack of some sort soon, otherwise my career is going to go to s-it before the week is up"

Emotions those thoughts generated - Surprise, Shock, Unease, Terror, Fear, Trapped, Helplessness, Rage, Fury, Defeatedness, Anguish, Emasculation, Hopelessness

Thank you.

the issue I have now:

I can move on for the sake of the company.
I don’t want the guy punished, I want him to understand I don’t get down like that, essentially. I am not a punchbag.

but

I just don’t think I can ever truly want to work with this individual again.

I’ve worked with people like this before. I spent way too long at one workplace. In the end, I prospered and kind of “won” by being more successful, but it took a heavy toll.

This guy has already done something else. He was a right pr1q at a party, sadly I was drunk, when I awoke he had spun the whole thing to the absolute reverse of what I had said. So I think this is the start of a campaign of sorts.

I need to nip this in the bud. Or leave. I am
Considering both.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Thank you.

the issue I have now:

I can move on for the sake of the company.
I don’t want the guy punished, I want him to understand I don’t get down like that, essentially. I am not a punchbag.

but

I just don’t think I can ever truly want to work with this individual again.

I’ve worked with people like this before. I spent way too long at one workplace. In the end, I prospered and kind of “won” by being more successful, but it took a heavy toll.

This guy has already done something else. He was a right pr1q at a party, sadly I was drunk, when I awoke he had spun the whole thing to the absolute reverse of what I had said. So I think this is the start of a campaign of sorts.

I need to nip this in the bud. Or leave. I am
Considering both.

All the more incentive for you to write out your thoughts about whatever happened, then interrogate them for their truthfulness, BEFORE making a decision. It's entirely possible that your read on this situation isn't entirely accurate, and that if you act on that, you'll be making a less than asture decision