$hit tests = enigmas

[Bonhomme]

The nicer you are, the worse behavior you bring out of a woman.

That is true in inverse square proportion to the quality of a woman's character. For you math geeks: D~{N/(C**2)}, D being disrespect, N niceness, and C her character.

Bible Belt was talking about being a chump, not being nice.

One would have to be an out-and-out saint not to take advantage of a chump, and said chump would have to have a helluva lot of other things going for him for any woman to be attracted to him.

Writing as a reformed overcompensating deliberate asshole, it's not about "niceness," so much as willingness to stand up for yourself and/or walk away.

But "nice" is still generally not a good thing for a woman to call a man, except in certain contexts, because she'll usually use other terms ("hot," "cool," "mensch," etc.) to describe the nice fellow to whom she's actually attracted.

 

[Bible_Belt]

a sh!t test thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=135037

 

[Bible_Belt]

This is part of a message from a recent ex. I bolded the parts that are the most relative to this thread:

Maybe if you'd put less effort into acting all indifferent and hiding things, we would have gotten a lot further. As it is, I knew you paid attention, I knew you wanted me A LOT, it was annoying to have you pretend otherwise, why THE FVCK do you think I kept giving you opportunities to get PISSED OFF at me??????? Yeah, I'm big on tests, fair or unfair--and this "Huh, me, ass what?" bullsh!t didn't get you very far. Yeah, you were right--I enjoy getting my ego stroked. So fvcking sue me. I'm a goddamn leo, read my horoscope sometime. I like attention and lots of it, and I want my man to fight for me. That also turns me on. Not to the point of loser desperation, and I can't even tell you when I know someone has crossed over into that territory, but you didn't even make it into the "I give a fvck about you" area.


I have now gotten the 'fight for me' thing from two GFs in a row. Doesn't the whole thing reek of AFC? How does this jive with the DJ way? It's hard to see.

 

[ketostix]

I have now gotten the 'fight for me' thing from two GFs in a row. Doesn't the whole thing reek of AFC? How does this jive with the DJ way? It's hard to see.

Exactly it's like you're damned if you do (DJ) and damned if don't (AFC). Do any guys no matter how they respond to tests really ever win and the girl doesn't almost always end up leaving?

See this is the problem I have with tests and always see them as a red flag especially in a relationship. Everything a girl believes about a guy is subjectively interpreted by her. Say she tests because you're not being assertive enough. She could just as easily interpreted you not being assertive as you caring about her opinion, considering her feelings blah blah blah. Instead if she tests you when she doesn't need to do this at all, I see it as her doubting and screening you.

I just don't see tests as a normal thing or normal female behavior if she's really interested in you. I only see tests as being two possibilities:

1. Her tests are because she has doubt and is screening you and has one foot out the door.

2. She tests not necessarily because her interest is faltering, but because she wants to have control over you and she thinks it's fun making you miserable. So basically a rotten woman.

Either way I seem them as a bad sign and a red flag.

A lot of people have the working assumption your behavior (AFC) caused the tests. But women test no matter if you use DJ behavior, they'll test because of that. See women's subjective interpretation above.

A lot of people then say, because your AFC behavior caused the tests, and now you're being tested you have to pass the tests using certain responses. This is partly true but just how you respond to best pass the test seems subjectively determined by women.

I just have a hard time believing a good relationship with a good woman will still be riddled with testing through it's existance. Women will always be moody, emotional, illogical and well basically women, but testing is a different thing. Testing is a woman's screening tool, a poor an unnecesary one, but still a screening tool nonetheless.

 

[jophil28]

This is part of a message from a recent ex. I bolded the parts that are the most relative to this thread:

Maybe if you'd put less effort into acting all indifferent and hiding things, we would have gotten a lot further. As it is, I knew you paid attention, I knew you wanted me A LOT, it was annoying to have you pretend otherwise, why THE FVCK do you think I kept giving you opportunities to get PISSED OFF at me??????? Yeah, I'm big on tests, fair or unfair--and this "Huh, me, ass what?" bullsh!t didn't get you very far. Yeah, you were right--I enjoy getting my ego stroked. So fvcking sue me. I'm a goddamn leo, read my horoscope sometime. I like attention and lots of it, and I want my man to fight for me. That also turns me on. Not to the point of loser desperation, and I can't even tell you when I know someone has crossed over into that territory, but you didn't even make it into the "I give a fvck about you" area.

Well man, you now know two things about her.

First that she is heavily infected wth that disease called "Modern Woman Egotism " , A relationship with such a women is ALL ABOUT THEM and their self importance. THis is the Princess mentality at work - "I am the PRIZE" and so on.

SEcondly you also will realize by now (I hope ) that life with a woman like this would be a daily circus act for you of hoop jumping and navigating her faked-up drama.

SHe openly states that she is big on TESTS.. THat is all you need to know . NEXT is the only way with this type of female.

 

[Interceptor]

Well, first 0ff yeah, I think she was a little too much into the Ego Stroking here., Not good. You're her man, not her tool for validation "Press button when you want me to kiss your ass." thing...
That's not happening.
So, don't even begin to worry about that sh*t.

Real Men do NOT kiss any woman's Ass, possibly with the exception of your sweet little Mother who may actualy DESERVE it!

Even the woman you would die for and love with everything you got deserves a real, masculine and emotionally strong man wh o has the discipline to NOT GET "too soft":.


BUT........

You didn't act congruent, dude.
Sorry, but she saw through the "indifference" act.
That's where you have to improve yourself .

You want her? Show it.

Confident men, with emotional strength, proper boundary, and plenty of love and affection to share have no problems with this.


Feel like you'll come off AFC?

Lose the AFC tendencies.
Work on yourSELF.

Women ain't gonna be with you just for standing there, dude. not unless you're Brad Pitt or something...


Something to think about.

Stop acting, and start being.

 

[Charm]

You didn't act congruent, dude.
Sorry, but she saw through the "indifference" act.
That's where you have to improve yourself .

You want her? Show it.

Confident men, with emotional strength, proper boundary, and plenty of love and affection to share have no problems with this.


Feel like you'll come off AFC?

Lose the AFC tendencies.
Work on yourSELF.

Women ain't gonna be with you just for standing there, dude. not unless you're Brad Pitt or something...


Something to think about.

Stop acting, and start being.

Great post!

 

[jophil28]

..why the THE FVCK do you think I kept giving you opportunities to get PISSED OFF at me??????? Yeah, I'm big on tests, fair or unfair[/B

This is TROUBLE talking..
I hear her mind thinking.." If I get him PISSED off at me then will I feel like he cares so I will provoke him and play mindgames until i exceed his level of tolerance and then he will EXPLODE - THAT will prove he cares.''

SO she (in her woman logic) sees your anger as an expression of affection. IF you fall into this trap even ONCE then she will know how to GET AT YOU forever.
This stuff is relationship destroying...it is NOT some cutesy. girly game that "women play naturally" -it is a deliberate ambush to feed her pathetic ego. And the worst thing is that she will NEVER consider for one moment the long term fallout from pulling these stunts - it is all about HER in the moment..

My most important test of a woman these days is to be vigilant about HER tests of me.

 

[Interceptor]

Agreed,Jo.

Basically you should NEVER let yourself "explode".

That is a FAIL.

Stay calm under duress.
It's just a woman after all.

Here's somethign to think about, while it's important to not get too soft, it is vitally important to give your woman the experience of emotional intimacy with you.

She loses the intimacy, she will lose interest in you. (that is, if she was really interested in YOU , notjust your money or status whatever)

Loss of control or intimacy will usually trigger her testing program.

You don't want to be a Robot. But you CANNOT afford to be TOO emotional either.

 

[eyedogg]

Great post Interceptor!

 

[jophil28]

Responding to her "tests" (which in most cases are just adolescent provocations) is in fact rewarding her for bad behavior.
If a woman sets an emotional trap for you and her objective is to get a response from you - even an angry one, then giving her a response is rewarding deliberately contrived mind games = bad behavior . NO wonder women pull this shyte- men play the game by exploding and getting angry. SHe then wins by getting a reaction- even an angry one will give her a sense of satisfaction by drawing you back into her emotional circus.

STR8's advice is good here - just walk away . THis removes what she values most - your attention and affection, and it sendes that message that her trumped up dramatics bring PAIN and loss to her.

 

[jophil28]

Nice !!

 

[jophil28]

That is true in inverse square proportion to the quality of a woman's character. For you math geeks: D~{N/(C**2)}, D being disrespect, N niceness, and C her character.

attracted.

The scientist in me just sat up and got excited.

Disrespect is approx equal to the amount of niceness provided by the guy divided by the square of her character attributes.

HA ! NICE !!

 

[reset]

2. She tests not necessarily because her interest is faltering, but because she wants to have control over you and she thinks it's fun making you miserable. So basically a rotten woman.

I think this pretty much sums up my most recent experience.

I thought if I passed the tests I would have a great relationship with this chick and I would earn my way to her "better side". But I think I got her better side. I don't think it would have gotten much better. She liked me, and she also wanted to control me. When it got too much for me and I put my foot down, I'd get the sweet natured girl I wanted her to always be. Not good.

I need to learn to have higher standards for myself, and realize that I can have feelings for the girl, but what I see early on is basically going to be how she always is, and if the treatment I expect from a woman just can't materialize, then I'm better off with someone else, even though it's tough to walk away from someone you care for. By doing this I am going to attract women who treat me well. I've been focusing on building attraction and maintaining interest--not on finding women who are a good match for me. That's gonna change.

Toughen up reset!

 

[jophil28]

She loses the intimacy, she will lose interest in you.

Yes - with normal women perhaps.
THis does NOT apply to Cluster B femmes, especially BPDS who are terrified of intimacy , commitment and mutuality. These qualities in a relationship will trigger her need to control the approaching feeling of "engulfment" and she will then start to wreck the relationship with all manner or mindgames, cheating, and appalling provocations, until the desire DISTANCE is achieved at which time she reaches a kind of equilibrium again (until she feels swamped again in a week or a month and then it all happens again- this is the roller coaster of PD women)

 

[Charm]

reset,

You have to become the man you want to be and you are well on your way to doing it. Also a big problem men i've heard on this forum have is setting out their expectations of a woman early on. If I want a woman to give me a massage every time we hang out, i'm going to tell her that I expect that. It sounds like this woman was just constantly setting expectations for you and you were agreeing to them even though you didn't want to. Men, be confident to disagree when you need to. You CAN SAY NO!

 

[reset]

reset,

You have to become the man you want to be and you are well on your way to doing it. Also a big problem men i've heard on this forum have is setting out their expectations of a woman early on. If I want a woman to give me a massage every time we hang out, i'm going to tell her that I expect that. It sounds like this woman was just constantly setting expectations for you and you were agreeing to them even though you didn't want to. Men, be confident to disagree when you need to. You CAN SAY NO!

Thanks Charm, considering about a year or so ago I thought I was in love with a BPD girl who treated me like crap, and had lost much of the edge I had in earlier years, I don't think I'm doing too bad, just learning as I go. I always thought the key was to get a hot chick to fall in love with you. After the last one fell apart I realized that I have to treat myself better than any woman ever could, and I hadn't been doing it. I have to become the ideal mate first, before I can attract the ideal mate. You learn.

 

[Interceptor]

I

realized that I have to treat myself better than any woman ever could, and I hadn't been doing it. I have to become the ideal mate first, before I can attract the ideal mate. You learn.

:rockon:

 

[jophil28]

.I thought if I passed the tests I would have a great relationship with this chick and I would earn my way to her "better side". But I think I got her better side.

With some women there is NO better side!
The sweet nice girl persona whom she becomes after you put your foot down is a charade which lasts abot two weeks tops.

 

[Charm]

Thanks Charm, considering about a year or so ago I thought I was in love with a BPD girl who treated me like crap, and had lost much of the edge I had in earlier years, I don't think I'm doing too bad, just learning as I go. I always thought the key was to get a hot chick to fall in love with you. After the last one fell apart I realized that I have to treat myself better than any woman ever could, and I hadn't been doing it. I have to become the ideal mate first, before I can attract the ideal mate. You learn.

Congratulations on becoming a real man. By the way, being a real man comes down to one thing: Freedom. Being completely true to who you are capable of being and maximizing your potential mentally and physically.

Your attitude and clearly knowing who you want to be and the type of woman that you want are two sides of the same MIRROR. Notice I say mirror because the truth is, you tend to attract people who are just like you. Meaning, if you are muscular and in shape, you are more likely to attract an in-shape woman than if you are a fat-beer bellied man. It is BASIC HUMAN nature to want the finest, best quality mate.

By becoming INTERNALLY and EXTERNALLY the best quality of a person you can be, you will innevitably attract higher quality women into your life. Then you will end up realizing that a lot of the negative scum-feeders go away because they are praying on weaker, easier more desperate victims. When you are strong-willed and strong-bodied and you know in your mind and heart you deserve the best, you WILL ACHIEVE THE BEST! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH BABY!!!