History of short-lasting relationships

[ThisNThat]

I was wondering, how many people do you know, or perhaps even yourself, had a string of "relationships" (if you want to even call it that) that lasted less than a year?

It can be disappointing to say the least, because you were hoping for longer, but I've been witness to some friends that had their count of such relationships...and it wasn't because they were sleeping around or non-committal (Which is what most women judge us as men should they ever find out the longevity of our relationships).

I had a friend that dated a woman, say about 4 or 5 months, but turns out...she never "loved" him or simply wasn't feeling it for him. Or another woman that dated a guy a couple of months, but again...never went beyond cuddling (no kissing)...she was 'trying" to feel something, but it wasn't happening.

Another time, a guy...well, it was about a year long one...but 6 months into it, she was going "bunny boiler" on him, but the tail end of the relationship she'd be like "I'll be good, I'll be good!" But it never happened.

It's like there's these short-lived relationships and some issue rears its ugly head just a couple or few months into it.

With me, I was dating a woman for 2 months, hot n heavy stuff, but she had serious anxiety issues, low self-esteem and was afraid that I would treat her the way her ex's had treated her. Always waiting for the shoe to fall...trust issues. It was causing problems in our "relationship" I had to end it.

Or say if you don't know the reason, you'd see some guy or woman taking selfies with their new "beau" only to catch them a few months later, "Yeah, things didn't work out.

So it can be a month to several months, then something always comes up that leads you to say, "Meh, things just didn't work out"

I mean, these are the shorter versions of those who date a 2 to 3 years, which is probably your average long term relationship..which in a sense isn't really all THAT long of a timespan.

That said, sometimes I wonder if we're judged as "People who commitment phobic" or you're a player ...when it's really the above issues.

"What? The last 3 women you dated only lasted 3 months a piece? You a player or something?"

 

[Plums]

Until you meet your perfect match all your relationships will be relatively short term (hopefully).
These relationships shouldn't be seen as failures. Just experiences. They help you discover yourself.

I think the problem is that when trying to find a match people run before they can walk.

They meet someone, its all hot and heavy and they fool themselves into thinking that they have met their match. They are being dishonest. Liking the same vegetables and films and fancying the pants off each other are not enough. There has to be a much deeper connection that can't be defined easily because it is magical. About chemistry. About feeling secure enough with each other to allow true intimacy to develop.

 

[ThisNThat]

Until you meet your perfect match all your relationships will be relatively short term (hopefully).
These relationships shouldn't be seen as failures. Just experiences. They help you discover yourself.

I think the problem is that when trying to find a match people run before they can walk.

They meet someone, its all hot and heavy and they fool themselves into thinking that they have met their match. They are being dishonest. Liking the same vegetables and films and fancying the pants off each other are not enough. There has to be a much deeper connection that can't be defined easily because it is magical. About chemistry. About feeling secure enough with each other to allow true intimacy to develop.

Well, the typical relationship, even long term ones, can start off hot and heavy. I've known such relationships to have wound up in marriage. Eventually, you'll go from hot and heavy to leveling out to a level of comfort, where you're comfortable with each other.

To be honest, most of my relationships that didn't start off hot and heavy, those were situations where I wound up in the friend zone.

And I know it's more than just liking the same things, but I am deeply attracted to women when I find out we share the same beliefs, mirror each other's personality and GET each other (and each other's humor). THAT'S where it gets hot and heavy for me.

So starting off "hot and heavy" can be irrelevant, depending on the people.

 

[Plums]

Well, the typical relationship, even long term ones, can start off hot and heavy. I've known such relationships to have wound up in marriage. Eventually, you'll go from hot and heavy to leveling out to a level of comfort, where you're comfortable with each other.

To be honest, most of my relationships that didn't start off hot and heavy, those were situations where I wound up in the friend zone.

And I know it's more than just liking the same things, but I am deeply attracted to women when I find out we share the same beliefs, mirror each other's personality and GET each other (and each other's humor). THAT'S where it gets hot and heavy for me.

So starting off "hot and heavy" can be irrelevant, depending on the people.

Being friends is the best start for a long term relationship. Probably, some people get hot and heavy with people who they can't be friends with to start with. When you hear old people talking about their long term relationships. When asked how they have made it through, they often say we have always been friends from the start.

 

[Charmaine]

I have never developed feelings over time with a man I see as friend. There is either attraction from the start or there is none.

 

[ThisNThat]

Being friends is the best start for a long term relationship. Probably, some people get hot and heavy with people who they can't be friends with to start with. When you hear old people talking about their long term relationships. When asked how they have made it through, they often say we have always been friends from the start.

Being friends is the best start for a long term relationship.

That's just an opinion. It may be best for you, Plums, but may not be for others.

Again, depends on the people. That's just how the cards were dealt.

I know of a lot of World War II vets would talk about how they'd just point at a girl they liked and said, "See that girl...she's going to be my wife!" 8 kids and 5 grand kids and 10 great grand kids later....they are together to this day.

I've heard of stories where men were confident enough to pick a woman they barely knew and just thought they'd wind up wedded to them.

Different start, same outcome.

In theory, you'd think it worked like that. Same with my dad and mom, wasn't that way when they met. My dad feel head over heels the first day he met her. They dated a year and they married. I'm sure there was a friendship dynamic to it, but there was indeed a strong attraction beyond that of friendship.

Right, me and my last g/f I was with...had a friends first feeling to it as well...that's what attracted me to her. I felt I could be both friend and lover to her. We just had different goals in life.

With me, that dynamic doesn't work. It has to be a combination of the two at once. Ever woman I started off as friends with, when I would ask them out, they'd be like, "Um...oh...you mean like... a date? Hmmm" I'd actually had a woman call me back to clarify if it was date or not and I said, "Of course it's a date. Why would you think otherwise? and she be like, "Well...sorry, I didn't know you wanted that...I'm going to have to decline."

After a pattern of that, I realized you cannot be friends for too long without making a move. I used to buy into those stories where people were friends for years. Some guy hanging out with her, hoping it turns into something more.

Chances are the ones that the women were women that were friends with THOSE men, for years...went through a gambit of bad, abusive relationships only to turn around and marry the "nice guy." I mean, good on her that she realized that he was "the one" for her the whole time...but still.

Some people make poor choices in life, and then realizing that you're friend was the one you SHOULD have married, well...that's been known to happen.

Usually this means the woman has settled for Mr. Good Enough....and hey, that's fine. They've come to terms that they can't have it all.

 

[ThisNThat]

I have never developed feelings over time with a man I see as friend. There is either attraction from the start or there is none.

Exactly, what works for Plum, won't work for Charmaine. Surprised we have a woman on here admitting this. lol But this counters Plum that's for sure as she thinks that that's the best way people get together.

There are just too many variables to consider and people come to fall for someone differently AND it's can NOT be consistent with each new person you meet either.

 

[ThisNThat]

I think the only situation where a relationship works out well, if the guy is the "friend of the family" the woman divorces...and he's next in line.

 

[ubercat]

Friends first. Face palm. Ladies this thread belongs on Love Shack not here. My current girlfriend of 18 months tried that line. I politely ignored it and got on with business as a DJ should.

It can happen but most women turn their male 'friends' into orbiters.

 

[RangerMIke]

I don't have relationships, just women I date. It lasts just long enough for them to figure out I am not committing to them. Some are off and on things... They drift off... and come back, but they always wonder off again. Seldom dating lasts more than a year. Many of the women I've dated I'm still friends with, I'm even friends with their husbands and boyfriends. It's really not that hard, just be a grown-up.

 

[sazc]

You have a lot of friends that you post about

 

[corrector]

I was wondering, how many people do you know, or perhaps even yourself, had a string of "relationships" (if you want to even call it that) that lasted less than a year?

It can be disappointing to say the least, because you were hoping for longer, but I've been witness to some friends that had their count of such relationships...and it wasn't because they were sleeping around or non-committal (Which is what most women judge us as men should they ever find out the longevity of our relationships).

I had a friend that dated a woman, say about 4 or 5 months, but turns out...she never "loved" him or simply wasn't feeling it for him. Or another woman that dated a guy a couple of months, but again...never went beyond cuddling (no kissing)...she was 'trying" to feel something, but it wasn't happening.

Another time, a guy...well, it was about a year long one...but 6 months into it, she was going "bunny boiler" on him, but the tail end of the relationship she'd be like "I'll be good, I'll be good!" But it never happened.

It's like there's these short-lived relationships and some issue rears its ugly head just a couple or few months into it.

With me, I was dating a woman for 2 months, hot n heavy stuff, but she had serious anxiety issues, low self-esteem and was afraid that I would treat her the way her ex's had treated her. Always waiting for the shoe to fall...trust issues. It was causing problems in our "relationship" I had to end it.

Or say if you don't know the reason, you'd see some guy or woman taking selfies with their new "beau" only to catch them a few months later, "Yeah, things didn't work out.

So it can be a month to several months, then something always comes up that leads you to say, "Meh, things just didn't work out"

I mean, these are the shorter versions of those who date a 2 to 3 years, which is probably your average long term relationship..which in a sense isn't really all THAT long of a timespan.

That said, sometimes I wonder if we're judged as "People who commitment phobic" or you're a player ...when it's really the above issues.

"What? The last 3 women you dated only lasted 3 months a piece? You a player or something?"

All my relationships to date have been less than one year. The most dramatic relationships were on the years 2012 and 2014. In both cases I actually met the lady at the beginning of the year (i.e. March 2012/February 2014), and broke-up/separated the same year (November 18, 2012/October 18 2014). Both relationship (the second one included an elaborate wedding with 200 guests), lasted for 9 months and both ended badly as enemies where it was like we never met each other in the first place.

The experience after the break-up of the first relationship was hard on my system. I had heart-ache, depression, could not eat properly, and went to places where we frequented in the relationship itself. The second relationship separation was complicated further since there was an actual wedding and I had to process the divorce myself. Allot of money was spent on my end on the wedding and it's like I was just expendable to her and the vows meant nothing. Felt panic attacks which were likely complicated by the fact I visited a couple of prostitutes while I was working on the divorce papers and the whole thing was too much for my system to handle.

I feel I have been dealt a bad hand in life. I had no solid relationship experience prior to these two and the relationship/marriage was too short and had more of a "romantic tourism" feel to it in the backdrop of what is an eternally single/incel life.