Here's a mess, need some expert advice :(

[cactus3178]

Okay, I've been through the DJ Bible, did a search, but didn't turn up anything that would help, so here goes:

My (ex) girlfriend decided that we need to take a 'break' about 2 months ago. She told me that my attitude and lack of reliability (not doing what I say, evidently) caused the breakdown of our relationship. I'll admit, I've been a bit of an a-hole, but nothing really bad.

I seriously think she didn't appreciate the things I did for her while we were together. I'm not a complete sucker, but I like to do nice things for her; it seems like I was always doing her 'favors' (some things I would do anyway, but some things I went out of my way for her), clean the house, do dishes, take care of her animals, pick up after her, cook for her, etc. It seems like she didn't really care.

Hell, I once 'borrowed' her car while she was at work, washed, waxed and detailed it inside and out, left her some flowers and a stuffed frog (she loves frogs) in it, and barely got so much as a "thank you".

Ugh. now for the weird part: We still live together. We sleep in the same bed. She says she's not interested in being with anyone else (I believe her, she IS truly trustworthy), but she says she doesn't want to 'get back together' until, and I quote; "I'm sure things will be okay".

Anyhow, I didn't want this to turn into a whining session, but I can't help feeling all messed up over this. I do love her, but...maybe too much damage has been done already.
For some reason, I always think about her, I wonder what she's doing when we're not together (and who with).

We used to be so damn close. I mean, she's done/said some messed up things to me, all my friends tell me she treats me like crap, but for some reason....I can't seem to move on. We used to be THE example of how a relationship should be, but now it's just a joke.

I gotta do something. I'm a pretty good looking guy, I have a good job, and I'm not shy, I'm fun.

Why can't I let her go and find somebody who will treat me right?

Thanks in advance.

 

[DJmonster]

She told me that my attitude and lack of reliability (not doing what I say, evidently) caused the breakdown of our relationship

she doesn't want to 'get back together' until, and I quote; "I'm sure things will be okay".

This is BS. When women lose interest in a guy, they say stuff like this instead of being honest and upfront about their loss in attraction and desire. Her interest level in you has dropped too far

The only power a woman has over you is that which you give her. She treats you like crap, because you let her. A relationship should have an equal share of giving and recieving.

Sorry... I guess you probably already realize what was said above. On to your question. Why can't you let go and find someone else? Because you want what don't have, and you think you somehow need this girl in your life.

You don't need this girl at all. She's causing you emotional stress and pain. What are you afraid of? There are plenty of women out there who can give you much much more than this girl did or ever will. You screwed up by being so nice to this girl and she took advantage of you. If a girl can take advantage of a guy, she loses respect for him.

My advice: Get rid of this girl. She already broke up with you. She just did it in the most nice and unconfrontational way she could so that she could keep living with you and taking advantage of you. Work on your self improvement (this will help you forget about her). Read the DJ Bible. You'll do things right with the next girl you deam worthy of persuing a relationship with. Make your goals and dreams your priority.

 

[bp1974]

You've been her unpaid doormat of a lackey for far too long. Getting her car waxed? WTF. Until you own half that car it is not your responsibility. Same with her house and garden.

Is she still in your bed or are you still in hers? Either way, get off your backside and make a choice for yourself.

You either kick her out of your bed, or you take your ass down to the couch. Or better yet go crash at a friends for a few days.

Don't let her call all the shots like this while you hang around like a forlorn puppy ready to jump back into her arms if she should change her mind. She won't.

All you can do now is salvage some self-respect and some respect in her eyes by taking charge of yourself. Get rid of those rose-tinted glasses - you were not the perfect couple:

all my friends tell me she treats me like crap

They are right - listen to them, and stop giving her the stick to beat you with.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Cactus, The Matrix has you...get the hell out of there!!!

Never wash a girls dishes or clean the house for her...well I guess if you live there I see why you did it.

The thing here is that she is gone from you and is open to seeing other guys....you can pretty much guarantee that. She is still staying there beause of financial reasons to share rent and other acconodations, whatever the case may be, but it is not for you - nor is it to 'work things out'!

You guys are living like a married couple who are seperated but don't want to get a divorce because it will complicate other matters!

Get the hell out of the house far from her presence and quit being a chunp and a handmaiden to this chick!!! Pack your clothes and leave - today if possible!!Or kick her out!!!

Don't take such disrespect...she doesn't want to be with you yet she wants to be next to you. don't go with this set-up - it will be to your emotional detriment! Have some dignity and stand up as a man and then she'll recognize you such.

Did she give any specific reasons why the change of heart? Is she bored with you..did you pamper her too much and now she is not excited about being with you? Whatever the reasons...get out of the there...and rarely does a chick ever have a 'true' conversion and goes back with a guy once she decides to break it off!!! Expect this and don't be devestated by it!!!

If other guys tell you that she treats you like crap...what does this tell you...you are crap!!!!!! How come they see it and you don't? Or do u see it and like to be treated this way? You are blinded and/or made yourself into a voluntary chump because you lust after her...it is not love!!!

 

[Trapspringer]

You still live with the girl and sleep in the same bed with her and you wonder why you cannot get over her? Man, I really try to avoid insults when it comes to giving my perspective around here but I am so tempted to to say something that involves the word "clueless" in it but I won't. Some people must learn the hard way no matter what you say.


Let me state it clearly here-


One of the key ideas of getting over someone you have deep feelings for is to avoid contact with them as much as possible and placing every thing that reminds of that person somewhere in a box or something until you regain control of yourself.

Don't wear the bath robe she gave you for your birthday for a while. Don't go to the nice restaurant you guys frequented for a while. Don't hang out with the mutual friends you have for a while.


Don't sleep in the same bed with them!!!!

Once you are thinking more clearly, return to these things if you like.

 

[Ice Cold]

Don't worry man. We'll fix you.

Originally posted by cactus3178
Okay, I've been through the DJ Bible, did a search, but didn't turn up anything that would help, so here goes:

Yep - post it. Every situation is different.

My (ex) girlfriend decided that we need to take a 'break' about 2 months ago.

It means that she doesn't like anymore. She wants to get rid of you. She doesn't respect you. She thinks you're a loser.

She told me that my attitude and lack of reliability (not doing what I say, evidently) caused the breakdown of our relationship.

What she says isn't important. Your actions show that you've been sweet with her and you've been more that a good partner. You've done your share - it's her fault the relationship doesn't work.

I seriously think she didn't appreciate the things I did for her while we were together.

She didn't appreciate them, cause she got them for free. They just fell on their head, she didn't even have to ask.

Note for the future: Make the girl work for you and she'll love you for it.

I'm not a complete sucker, but I like to do nice things for her; it seems like I was always doing her 'favors' (some things I would do anyway, but some things I went out of my way for her), clean the house, do dishes, take care of her animals, pick up after her, cook for her, etc. It seems like she didn't really care.

Again - she didn't need them. She didn't ask for them.

Hell, I once 'borrowed' her car while she was at work, washed, waxed and detailed it inside and out, left her some flowers and a stuffed frog (she loves frogs) in it, and barely got so much as a "thank you".

When I was young, my friend had an old, broken wooden train. I wanted it too, but he didn't give it to me. I had to do him favours all week, and only then he did gave me the train.

The same day my mom brought me a cool new firetrack. What toy do you think I liked better?

Ugh. now for the weird part: We still live together. We sleep in the same bed. She says she's not interested in being with anyone else (I believe her, she IS truly trustworthy), but she says she doesn't want to 'get back together' until, and I quote; "I'm sure things will be okay".

Ok, now it's truly weird!

Translation: I don't like you. I don't respect you as a man. You're a spineless little guy, but hey - you're giving me free gifts. You can sleep in the same bed with me, but I won't ever fukk you. You're disgusting. But still, thanks for the gifts and attention.

That's right, look at my boobs...

Anyhow, I didn't want this to turn into a whining session, but I can't help feeling all messed up over this.

That's good. Your gut is telling you that you're being used. Listen to your gut.

I do love her, but...maybe too much damage has been done already.

Yep

For some reason, I always think about her,

That's cause you invested in her X months of your life, Y thousand dollars and Z millions of nerve cells.

I wonder what she's doing when we're not together (and who with).

Cool, your gut is talking again. You know why?

Cause she found a new guy who SHE THINKS is better than you. She's fukkin him and while she does that, she needs her distance. She can't fukk him while you're watching. But hey - you're sponsoring her whoring, so you can hang around.

We used to be so damn close.

No you weren't. You only thought you were. It was all a fantasy, an illusion which you hoped would be true.

I mean, she's done/said some messed up things to me, all my friends tell me she treats me like crap

She treats you like crap. She disrespects you. You can't see it, your friends can.

but for some reason...I can't seem to move on.

1 You have too much invested in her
2 She castrated you and you don't have the balls anymore

Cut your losses

We used to be THE example of how a relationship should be, but now it's just a joke.

No you weren't. You were THE example of an AFC. The relationship was a joke from the very beginning.

I gotta do something. I'm a pretty good looking guy, I have a good job, and I'm not shy, I'm fun.

Cool. I especially like this "I'm fun" statement. At least you have SOME confidence left in you. She didn't castrate you completely.

What you gotta do is to throw her out of your life and never speak to her again. Imagine this: if you could have 10 other women RIGHT NOW, would you still hang out with her? If the answer is no, hit the field man.

BTW: If the answer is yes, you're a moron

Why can't I let her go

You can.

and find somebody who will treat me right?

Because you're not looking. You're not approaching. You're not fukkin other women.

Thanks in advance. [/B]

Welcome

Questions?

 

[NatureGuy]

Cactus: All I can say is I know how you feel,
and some of the responses you've gotten
are superb ! THe ICE COLD analysis is
especially worth considering .

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Ice Cold,

Way to break it down to the nitty gritty

 

[cactus3178]

Thanks, I needed that. You guys are right all the way around. I wouldn't respect me either if I kept coming back for more.

Okay then, time to stand up for myself. I gave it alot of thought, and I'm moving out ASAP. She can take care of her own rent without me, and I can take care of mine in a new place. I already started to pack some things and make arrangements. So it might seem a little overboard, but I'm tired of being used by her and disrespected.

I HIGHLY doubt she's after somebody else (she has a phobia about the number of guys she sleeps with), but I think she'll probably wonder WTF once I'm gone. Screw it, you guys are right; time to cut my losses and move on.

I'll bet my bottom dollar when she sees that I'm not taking her crap anymore and not caring about what she's doing, she'll be singing a different tune....

But it will be too late for her.

 

[Trance]

Excelent post Ice Cold!!

Cactus, read ice cold's post again and again. Its true man, sometimes we cant see, but it will be very clear someday. My last LTR relationship ended about 3 months before i tought it was over, and only a short time ago i realized that, being able to rationalize, and after reading all this stuff here about AFC, one-itis, control in a relationship, women behavior in ending a relationship and their motives (always the same) and NEXTING.