Her insecurity...

[Roober]

Seeking the power of the board for some insight...

A little background:
-I go to bed pretty early, around 9pm
-We have been dating around 9 months (exclusive for about 7)
-She is 41, I am 35

Around 1115pm or so, I get the following texts...
-I do admit, age hasnt been a factor for me until I met you
-Sometimes I forget the little things remind me
-I then look at you n picture you with someone younger, everything that you like, that you can have forever.
-Some your proud about n makes you do crazy things. Someone who'll shine and be happy like you.
-There's sooo many things mushed in my head, it's crazy, Lol!!! Getting tired finally.
-Going to wake up mega early and work on progress reports
*then a bunch of random texts about random stuff

Now, things I do (maybe too often?): crack jokes about her being older, mention that there is "plenty of fish in the sea" when she talks about her single friends.

This insecurity thing creeps up every other month or so. It often doesn't last long. For example, she didn't mention a peep this morning. I feel like I should bring it up, or talk about it, but just not quite sure...? I do really care about her, and the insecurity is not frequent enough to be a deal breaker.

To address or ignore? that is the question. If address, how so?

 

[The Duke]

When women start talking like this they often are covertly telling you they want to end it. If she isn't causing any other drama, then stay in it but be aware of what might be in store. I wouldn't bother addressing it....remember women don't want to "fix" problems like guys do. They just want to be heard. Just continue on, maybe back off teasing her about the age thing.

 

[AJ84]

When women start talking like this they often are covertly telling you they want to end it. If she isn't causing any other drama, then stay in it but be aware of what might be in store. I wouldn't bother addressing it....remember women don't want "fix" problems like guys do. They just want to be heard. Just continue on, maybe back off teasing her about the age thing.

Yeah, if she continues to bring the age thing up and get bugged about it, it's her issue, not yours as you obviously don't mind the age difference if you have been with her that long.

 

[Roober]

When women start talking like this they often are covertly telling you they want to end it. If she isn't causing any other drama, then stay in it but be aware of what might be in store. I wouldn't bother addressing it....remember women don't want "fix" problems like guys do. They just want to be heard. Just continue on, maybe back off teasing her about the age thing.

This is how my previous relationship went down, and likely why I even bring it up. Something similar happens with someone different, and you think the same end result will happen. Ex would tell me "your too good for me, I don't even know what you see in me..." This girl doesn't go that far, and doesn't dwell on it. It seemed more like a passing thought. I guess it should give me some caution flags, but only time will tell how it plays out...

All other behaviors are good, if not great...
-Daily compliments
-Wants to see me everyday
-Sex is great
-A giver in every aspect of the relationship

Agreed on the not fixing it, there is no way to fix it. I think I will ignore it and back off the age thing, not sure what else I could do?

 

[dude99]

Seeking the power of the board for some insight...

A little background:
-I go to bed pretty early, around 9pm
-We have been dating around 9 months (exclusive for about 7)
-She is 41, I am 35

Around 1115pm or so, I get the following texts...
-I do admit, age hasnt been a factor for me until I met you
-Sometimes I forget the little things remind me
-I then look at you n picture you with someone younger, everything that you like, that you can have forever.
-Some your proud about n makes you do crazy things. Someone who'll shine and be happy like you.
-There's sooo many things mushed in my head, it's crazy, Lol!!! Getting tired finally.
-Going to wake up mega early and work on progress reports
*then a bunch of random texts about random stuff

Now, things I do (maybe too often?): crack jokes about her being older, mention that there is "plenty of fish in the sea" when she talks about her single friends.

This insecurity thing creeps up every other month or so. It often doesn't last long. For example, she didn't mention a peep this morning. I feel like I should bring it up, or talk about it, but just not quite sure...? I do really care about her, and the insecurity is not frequent enough to be a deal breaker.

To address or ignore? that is the question. If address, how so?

Do not bring it up. It will go nowhere fast.

Dude her hampster wheel is spinning. This means she likes you and you are in her head.
She wants to see you every day. Good sign. If she suddenly was too busy then there would be a problem.
Sex is good. Her interest level is high. When her interest in sex starts to drop, then you should worry.

Stay the course. Keep it light and fun.

 

[BeExcellent]

I agree with what everybody else has said. All I can think to add is that this is her way of processing through the situation. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. I will say that this is something chicks think about (whether or not we can meet a man's long term goals) if she's a good chick.

I do think backing off the busting her chops about being older than you is well advised.

Her insecurity may stem from wondering if you guys are in the same life phase given your age. She may see that you have the ability to attract a 28 yo woman with whom you could have more kids and build a life. She may question how she fits into your long term plans as a result. So perhaps your long term goals are something worth chatting about at some point...but not her insecurities. Her insecurities are resulting from something. They are a symptom, not a cause.

 

[resilient]

The older women I've dated we're very insecure about it and to be quite honest lacked respect for me for settling for them.

Lmao... reminds of a 39-year-old woman I dated at the end of last year who treated me with disrespect when I stayed the night, saying something like "you got to be on your good behavior tonight or else I'll kick you out in the morning. You can sleep on the door mat" like seriously WTF? Lol! It would have been the perfect timing for banter or c+f to put her in her place, yet I didn't have the whit about me at the time. She was overweight and acted entitled like she was HB9.

 

[That_dude]

Like others have said.. Seems like she’s trying to covertly end it. Since she prob has nothing on you and prob wants to avoid being responsible. The issue is.. You deserve a younger dayne

 

[sazc]

This is how my previous relationship went down, and likely why I even bring it up. Something similar happens with someone different, and you think the same end result will happen. Ex would tell me "your too good for me, I don't even know what you see in me..." This girl doesn't go that far, and doesn't dwell on it. It seemed more like a passing thought. I guess it should give me some caution flags, but only time will tell how it plays out...

All other behaviors are good, if not great...
-Daily compliments
-Wants to see me everyday
-Sex is great
-A giver in every aspect of the relationship

Agreed on the not fixing it, there is no way to fix it. I think I will ignore it and back off the age thing, not sure what else I could do?

She's falling for you, hard, and it scares her, that's why she's insecure.

Unfortunately, sometimes people get scared and push other people away, and/or sabotage. Hopefully she will maintain b/c it sounds like you guys are good together, but you never know.

 

[That_dude]

She's falling for you, hard, and it scares her, that's why she's insecure.

Unfortunately, sometimes people get scared and push other people away, and/or sabotage. Hopefully she will maintain b/c it sounds like you guys are good together, but you never know.

That’s a good perspective too

 

[Thorninmyside]

Make her feel sexy and screw her so hard that she feels like she's 25.

 

[Roober]

Thanks for the feedback guys and gals!

It is funny how you see certain behaviors that you have experienced before, and you automatically associate them to those negative (or positive) feelings. We humans, are creatures of habit, we love habits and repeat exposure to the same stimuli, no matter how irrational it may be. I remember learning about this concept in one of my science classes. While using past behavior to predict future behavior can be helpful, it neglects the fact that there are so many variables and that human beings grow from their experiences. "One size fits all" is then completely negated by the human condition. For example, when I started college, I skipped classes frequently, rarely studied, and got mostly D's and F's the first two years. Following behavior patterns, I should have dropped out. However, I took some time off (a year or so), refocused and graduated with a 3.5 GPA in molecular biology.

A nice article that some here may find beneficial...

But this is a gross oversimplification(using past behavior to predict future behavior). Psychological scientists who study human behavior agree that past behavior is a useful marker for future behavior. But only under certain specific conditions:

1. High-frequency, habitual behaviors are more predictive than infrequent behaviors.
2. Predictions work best over short time intervals.
3. The anticipated situation must be essentially the same as the past situation that activated the behavior.
4. The behavior must not have been extinguished by corrective or negative feedback.
5. The person must remain essentially unchanged.
6. The person must be fairly consistent in his or her behaviors

She didn't bring it up again, but mentioned that her daughter asked her "how long are you going to be around mommy?" and it got her wheels spinning, then started thinking about life, death and apparently me. Her insecurity was essentially prompted by her vitality, and a new variable, her daughter...