Her EX is coming to town

[STR8UP]

I've been seeing a new girl for a couple of months now.

The first time I asked her out she informed me that she had a long distance boyfriend who she sees a couple of times per year. It was her high school sweetheart/first boyfriend/first sex partner. After she told me about the b/f during our first phone convo I kinda stumbled and took a step back, but it basically ended with her asking me out. At that point I realized she wasn't much into this guy anymore.

That was a couple of months ago, and since then she broke up with the b/f and her and I have been spending quite abit of time together.

She is (somewhat) patiently waiting for a commitment from me. Her words and actions allude to it. I have been holding her off telling her that I don't want to rush into anything.

The other day she tells me that her ex is planning a trip to visit her, and that he will be staying at her parents house (she lives there) if it all goes down.

When she first told me this I do what I normally do in this kind of situation, which is to duck out of it and get my thoughts together before I say anything stupid. I avoided her calls for the next day until I figured out what was going on, but eventually we talked about it.

I told her that we have no commitment and she is free to do whatever she wants. She seemed disappointed with my answer, and asked if I was uncomfortable with it. I told her I would be lying if I said I weren't.

The thing is, when she approached me with this, she said, "I have some bad news". Bad news? Like he invited himself and she has no choice but to accept it.

So she is either:

A) Looking to use this to push me into a commitment

-or-

B) Wants to give the ex another chance to get back with her

I'm proceeding with things as if nothing happened, but if this other guy comes into town there will definitely be some tension on my part. After all we have pretty much been a couple for awhile now. I can do my own thing and all, but it's gonna seem awkward afterwards.

Any thoughts?

 

[JohnJones]

I think she is doing (A).

If she was giving the Ex another shot, would she not do it quietly?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by STR8UP
The thing is, when she approached me with this, she said, "I have some bad news". Bad news? Like he invited himself and she has no choice but to accept it.

So she is either:

A) Looking to use this to push me into a commitment

-or-

B) Wants to give the ex another chance to get back with her

I'm proceeding with things as if nothing happened, but if this other guy comes into town there will definitely be some tension on my part. After all we have pretty much been a couple for awhile now. I can do my own thing and all, but it's gonna seem awkward afterward.

Any thoughts?

Congratulations in handling things this well so far, very impressive. I must say that its good that you aren't jumping into things since you would be her rebound lover. The problem with that is that there is usually some lasting connection (baggage) with the ex. Your situation is a case in point.

Sitting back and watching things formulate is your best bet. This is the sink or swim time for your girl. Her actions with her ex in town will show you her integrity. Put aside anything she says and make your decisions based from her actions.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by JohnJones
I think she is doing (A).

If she was giving the Ex another shot, would she not do it quietly?

I see what you are saying, but she is the 'honest to a fault' type. She feels the need to get everything out in the open.

You are probably right though. I doubt she has any interest in getting back with him. She realizes that she has no intention of moving to be with him and because of this she needs to get on with her life.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by JohnJones
If she was giving the Ex another shot, would she not do it quietly?

Not necessarily. In fact, she's giving herself an "out". If anything happens between her and her ex, STR8UP isn't "allowed" to get upset now, because there was no commitment (I agree BTW). I think she's doing both, to be honest. I think she sees this as a win/win. On one hand, STR8UP could commit to her... that would be a win for her. On the other hand, if he doesn't, she can do whatever she likes with her ex without feeling guilty about it.

Not only is she a "good" girl, she's also smart.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Originally posted by STR8UP
You are probably right though. I doubt she has any interest in getting back with him. She realizes that she has no intention of moving to be with him and because of this she needs to get on with her life.

The only problem with that? Seriously, why would a girl allow her ex to come to town and stay with her and her family? What could she possibly have to gain from that? What could HE possibly have to gain from that? If my ex wanted to come to town and stay with me and my family I would tell her where she could shove it. What gives here?

 

[chlywly]

Wanna sweep her off her feet, let her know bluntly thats what she's doing and tell her you want to take your time, be confident

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova
Not necessarily. In fact, she's giving herself an "out". If anything happens between her and her ex, STR8UP isn't "allowed" to get upset now, because there was no commitment (I agree BTW). I think she's doing both, to be honest. I think she sees this as a win/win. On one hand, STR8UP could commit to her... that would be a win for her. On the other hand, if he doesn't, she can do whatever she likes with her ex without feeling guilty about it.

True. It is a win-win for her.

Another take is that she is the type that has a hard time saying "no", so I can understand why she would be caught in this situation. Doesn't make it RIGHT, but that's how some people are.

Not only is she a "good" girl, she's also smart.

Most of them are......

The only problem with that? Seriously, why would a girl allow her ex to come to town and stay with her and her family? What could she possibly have to gain from that? What could HE possibly have to gain from that? If my ex wanted to come to town and stay with me and my family I would tell her where she could shove it. What gives here?

Another thing you have to remember is the fact that she is very inexperienced. This might ultimately lead to the demise of whatever kind of relationship we end up having, but I have to accept the fact that since she has basically only been with one guy since high school and deal with it accordingly. Much of the relationship nonsense I go through with her can be directly attributed to her not having proper perspective.

That's the problem with dating younger girls. No matter what chances are she isn't going to have the same experiences to draw upon to make decisions as you do. Hey, the tight little body is definitely worth it!

 

[drixsa]

yea i had this happen to me back in the day

her ex was moving away forever and she mention that b/c we were not dating that she might go and "see" him b4 he left

sadly i caved in and we started dating...what a horrible relationship that turned out to be

i guess id say that you should only ask this girl to be exclusive if its what YOU want to do regardless of what other situations are going on

if it were me i wouldnt commit, shed prolly end up hookin up, then id leave her a$$ cold.

BTW awsome self control, i like that pulling out method to gather your thoughts

lemme know whats goin through your head.

 

[drixsa]

another thought came into my head

is it really worth losing a great girl (dunno if she is anythin special) b/c you dont want to be exclusive

my first thought is that shes a wh0re if she hooks up with her ex, but that is not so. though it would piss me off

dunno where to go on this one, espically since i like to be in control but if it were someone that special would it be worth the risk

im sure i could get back in the drivers seat fast enough

(yea im jus thinking out loud...sort of)

 

[sustainable007]

That has bad news written all over it

You need to put your foot down...this girl is walking all over you...I mean could it be anymore obvious "her ex is going to stay at her house".....that means shes actually DJ'n you and her X at the same time.....like i said that has bad news written all over it....and I wouldnt stand for something like that....Walk away from her. If you need encouragement think of it this way: "You are sharing her with him"....If you really got balls the next time you talk to her you should tell her "phuck you" and hang up on her....This is just a blatant attack on your sovereignty my friend....if she wanted a committment she would have brought it up....."the exculsivity rule for DJ's"...For all you know you could be completely misreading her and she is enjoying having 2 guys at once...ever think of that?

Leave her at the corner for the garbage man cause this girl is trash.....

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: That has bad news written all over it

Originally posted by sustainable007
You need to put your foot down...this girl is walking all over you...I mean could it be anymore obvious "her ex is going to stay at her house".....that means shes actually DJ'n you and her X at the same time.....like i said that has bad news written all over it....and I wouldnt stand for something like that....Walk away from her. If you need encouragement think of it this way: "You are sharing her with him"....If you really got balls the next time you talk to her you should tell her "phuck you" and hang up on her....This is just a blatant attack on your sovereignty my friend....if she wanted a committment she would have brought it up....."the exculsivity rule for DJ's"...For all you know you could be completely misreading her and she is enjoying having 2 guys at once...ever think of that?

Leave her at the corner for the garbage man cause this girl is trash.....

Don't react to 'what if's.' People usually imagine the worse. AFCs usually try to break things off without any type of proof to avoid rejection.

Doc Love has said that the only way to tell a woman's IL is by her actions. Now if you are the type of guy that is intimidated by a woman's history then it may be wise to break it off now, it would be the safe thing to do. Otherwise stick it out and watch her actions carefully. This will be a perfect test to see whether or not she is playing games.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by drixsa
BTW awsome self control, i like that pulling out method to gather your thoughts

Yea, I just posted something about this in the tips section. Works like a charm!

You need to put your foot down...this girl is walking all over you

How so? We have no commitment.

I'm not a hypocritical person. If I'm not prepared to give her the title of girlfriend I have to deal with the fact that she is as free as I am. Besides, I am a firm believer in the saying 'All is fair in love and war".

Now if you are the type of guy that is intimidated by a woman's history then it may be wise to break it off now, it would be the safe thing to do.

Not at all. It would be pretty ridiculous for me to not take into account that she has been having sex with this dude for three years. If she chooses to do so again before I give her a commitment what's the big deal? If I choose to fukk another girl before I give her a commitment what's the big deal? Neither one of us can say a damn thing.

I have noticed that a lot of guys are so damned hung up on what I call "technicalities" that they would fail to deal with a situation like this in a reasonable manner.

 

[Slickster]

Hey STR8Up

This is the same chick you started that monster thread "Yes Good girls do cheat" about right?

Tell me do you still consider her a "Good" girl? She sounds like a head case to me.

The fact that she's going to cause you tension as you call it over this whole situation makes me laugh.

You knew what you were getting into here. The fact that she's letting this guy come to stay with her means she's not done with him. Also you can't mean too much to her or else she'd never allow it. Actions louder than the words bro.

Now I KNOW from reading many of your posts that you are above all this crap and will not let it affect you however....

Just had to note the irony that this "good" girl would cheat on her boyfriend with you and then turn around and screw you in the end.

Don't even play like it doesn't bother you. You wouldn't be posting this if it didn't. And by the way you may not think of her as a girlfriend but the fact you had to leave to collect your thoughts makes me think otherwise. Be honest with yourself.

I'll still stand by my words way back when we were arguing about this before. Any relationship that starts with someone cheating will end the same way.

If you're cool with all this stuff, then good on ya!

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Well, this is not exactly an ideal situation is it.

I would normally just say "okay b1tch, talk to you next year." But there are a few extenuating circumstances such as no clear girlfriend title etc.

I think the make or break on this is how exactly did the ex get invited to stay at her house? How exactly did it happen? How did she explain it to you? Do you believe her?

And Do you have other girls on the string which now rank higher than her? I believe you can sometimes just bump a girl back on the pecking order rather than next her when she pulls this kind of move.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by Slickster
This is the same chick you started that monster thread "Yes Good girls do cheat" about right?

Tell me do you still consider her a "Good" girl? She sounds like a head case to me.

Same one.

I can see how it would seem that way from an outsiders perspective given the limited information you have. It's really not like that.

I still consider her to be as much of a good girl as the next. I don't think she did anything that MOST women wouldn't do or haven't done at some point in their life.

You knew what you were getting into here. The fact that she's letting this guy come to stay with her means she's not done with him. Also you can't mean too much to her or else she'd never allow it. Actions louder than the words bro.

And I could take my ex g/f to the beach for a weekend and bang the hell out of her.....we have no commitment.

I will admit that it is odd fer her to do something like this. But if you knew her you would be able to understand a little better how she is. She's the kind of person that has a hard time saying "no". And she isn't doing anything wrong here.

Just had to note the irony that this "good" girl would cheat on her boyfriend with you and then turn around and screw you in the end.

Her "screwing"me would involve a commitment or trust that was broken.

Don't even play like it doesn't bother you. You wouldn't be posting this if it didn't. And by the way you may not think of her as a girlfriend but the fact you had to leave to collect your thoughts makes me think otherwise. Be honest with yourself.

I admitted that it does bother me a bit. But who am I to tell her what to do? She wants me to give her the "girlfriend" title and I told her I wanted to take my time.

 

[Slickster]

STR8UP!

You've definately got a very mature attitude toward this relationship.

Congrats man. If you are truly being genuine I think many on this board could learn alot from this situation of yours.

Good luck

Slick

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by STR8UP
I admitted that it does bother me a bit. But who am I to tell her what to do? She wants me to give her the "girlfriend" title and I told her I wanted to take my time.

Remember that a good woman is flexible, giving and has integrity. This is her test. If she doesn't pass, consider her 'not ready' to be your gf.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova

The only problem with that? Seriously, why would a girl allow her ex to come to town and stay with her and her family? What could she possibly have to gain from that? What could HE possibly have to gain from that? If my ex wanted to come to town and stay with me and my family I would tell her where she could shove it. What gives here?

Exactly right GIO! Good call.


STR8UP, you are rationalizing way too much here bro. You rationalized all this stuff about good girls cheating and now you're rationalizing her behavior by saying "well I didn't make her my girlfriend". This is really surprising coming from you.

The bottom line in this situation and in the prior one (your last thread about good girls cheating) is not whether it is good or bad to do or not do something; but whether a chick is doing what she truly wants to do and if her desires are congruent with yours.

I don't give a f*ck if a girl gives me a GF commitment. I want her to WANT to be with me, verbal commitment or not. If she WANTS to cheat but doesn't because she'll feel bad about it that's not enough. Similarly, if I really want to cheat, then no amount of rationalizing behavior will change that. All this stuff about you not making her your girlfriend and her behavior being "ok" because of that, is pure nonsense. You have to look at what does she want to do and is that congruent with what you want.

She wants to have her ex come over and sleep at her place with her family. She wants to wake up and have breakfast with him, she wants to f*ck him, she wants to spend quality time with him and her family. She is basically relegating you to the position of f*ck buddy on the side. This is what she *wants* at the moment. You want her to be with you and are hurt by what she wants. Therefore, you are rationalizing it all away by "being cool" and saying "well, I never gave her a commitment and we're both free to do what we want". Commitment is not something you give. It has to do with feelings and should be natural, i.e. both of you feel like you only desire each other and don't want anyone else. Not some verbal contract....

You could have told her "hey baby, don't do it, I want to be exclusive", but it would not have changed anything. Its too late. She wants to have him over. And don't give me that crap about her being too nice to say no. That is pure bullsh*t and someone your age and with your level of experience should know better. Sorry dude, but come on.... you Gio suggested, you should have busted her right then and there.

The bottom line is the following:

You like her as your girlfriend. You mentioned that she and you had been pretty much a couple. Had you not liked her as a gf then you would not have written the thread about good girls cheating, nor would you care about this situation. Whether or not you gave her exlusivity or a commitment, your feelings and actions say "I want to be exclusive, we are a couple".

She wants to give the ex another shot and doesn't care that it will hurt you. Had she cared about it, she would not have presented this as a fait accompli. She would have said "look dude, my ex is coming to town and he's asked to stay at my place. I don't want him to stay because I really want to be exclusive with you and don't feel any desire to rekindle anything with him; and I've told him so, therefore, you'd better take me out this weekend and buy me dinner sweattie....".


Originally posted by STR8UP

I'm not a hypocritical person. If I'm not prepared to give her the title of girlfriend I have to deal with the fact that she is as free as I am. Besides, I am a firm believer in the saying 'All is fair in love and war".

Do you really think that if you "gave" her the title of girlfriend, that she would treat this precious gift any differently? Seriously!

She would do exactly the same thing and the only difference would be that she would just lie to you. Why? Because this is what she WANTS to do, regardless of whether you gave her the title of girlfriend.

Good Luck.

Cesare

 

[NewMan]

I think you handled this situation very well.

You sound a little confused as to what you want.

Bottom line, we can't force what we want onto someone else. Your going to have to let her do what she's going to do - UNLESS you want to be exclusive - in which case you let her know that. She can then tell her ex to go take a hike - or tell you ut's to late.

My things on this is, how will she handle any future encounters with her ex? If you to have something together, what happens if he wants to come over and stay with her a second time.

Another take is that she is the type that has a hard time saying "no", so I can understand why she would be caught in this situation. Doesn't make it RIGHT, but that's how some people are.

I would carefully consider if this is the type of woman you want to be with - if her ex pushes her and wants to bang her, is she going to have a hard time saying no? This girl sounds like trouble - or troubled.

I'd let her do her thing, and go out and have fun with some chicks.... let the ball be in her court - but this is not the kinda thing I think you should put up with.