helper/saver mentality

[Heretolearn]

I have a massive mentality of helping/saving/protecting my good friends and girlfriends I have been burnt in the past and appreciate the reality that no appreciates it except for me and if they do it is a bonus. Nevertheless, it makes me feel so frustrated to not do something when I can. Eg.

Saturday night. My guy friends went out as did I, I went home at 3 am though.
3.30 am Phonecall 1 : come pick us up - me. No, get a taxi.

4 am Phonecall 2: please - me no, get a taxi.

5am phonecall 3: It is so cold, there are no buses or trains and we cannot find a taxi. It is only just around the corner (not really). Me- just around the corner, well then you can walk.......................I then got up and picked them up.


- my two friends have been living in my loungeroom for the last 2 months rent free and have increased my costs immensely (food, toiletries, wear and tear). I have a small 1 br apartment. They are looking for a place but have not found one yet. They are now working but heavily in debt so that is where all their money goes. (friends from childhood, like brothers)


As for my motive to save, I think it may stem from my upbringing.

I was raised in a broken home. My father left when I was 7. I have not seen him since bar a couple of one line birthday cards from him.

This has really affected me. I want the 'dream' happily ever after marriage. I want to believe it works for others also. I appreciate this site and reality yet I have always been a 'dreamer'. When my ideas work, I am a genius. When they do not, I am impractical and unrealistic.

My mum was always a helper and got burned a lot!

Thus my motivation to help possibly stems from my own appreciation of what a good family unit can be.

- this can be a massive weakness for me in relationships. Please share your stories/advice/information and thoughts!

 

[Phyzzle]

- my two friends have been living in my loungeroom for the last 2 months rent free and have increased my costs immensely

I once let an ex-gf live with me like that. That's my claim to the AFC crown.

She actually invited her new bf (also poor) there to stay without asking me! Finally, developed some guts then, but dam, I was a wuss back then.

 

[kandyass]

Dude,
from what you've told us I think your friends are abusing your generosity. It sounds like they are crossing some boundaries. If I were living for free in a friend's one bedroom apartment I wouldn't be going around conspicously having big nights out and then demanding to be picked up at 5 in the morning! Know what I mean?

Fair enough you wan't to help out your mates but I think they are going to far. Or rather, i think you are letting them.

Which brings me to my point, I've also had the helper/saver mentality in dealings with women and its cost me dearly. Not the helping and supporting per se, but the extent to which I've let it balloon out of control and become the primary way of relating to my partner(s) at the time.

In both cases I was there to 'save' or 'rescue' my partner and in both cases I was unceremoniously dumped when they were ready to 'move on'...



Or in SoSuave terms...I became a total AFC, they lost all respect for me (not entirely that simple...or is it? Any ideas guys?) and wanted someone who would show them TLC but who could also stand up for themselves and not be a total gimp.

Its a really hard lesson to learn, and one that turned my world upside down...but you can't 'save' anyone. You just can't. It doesn't work and is in neither partner's best interests. You can be supportivebut you can't save them.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The Savior Schema

What you're driving at is a principle known as the Savior Schema. The most important thing to remember about this mentality is that it is founded in reciprocation and is always subject to the The Cardinal Rule of Relationships.

It is based on the reciprocation principle in that the reason you 'want' to help is based more on an expected condition of reciprocating an appreciation for your sacrifice or your service from the person you are 'saving', than any sense of self-perceived altruism. This schema is further modified by the Cardinal Rule of Relationships:

In any relationship, whether personal, business or familial, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

The savior mentality is reversed in this for the person who practices it. For example, your 'friends' need your good graces and sacrifices more than you need whatever they provide in return for them (if anything), but your Savior Scheme, and the anticipation of their reciprocated appreciation for helping them stops you from recognizing this and acting on what amounts to their exploiting you. You then need the carrot of their appreciation to pull your cart more than they need you for their own saving.

You're not anyone's hero, you're their shill, and the longer you tolerate it the more solidified it becomes for them.

And as an aside here, I can tell you in all honesty that the surest way not to have a "dream marriage" is to be anyone's savior. You need to learn "Enlightened Self-Interest", you cannot help anyone until you've helped yourself.

 

[Heretolearn]

very well said!

 

[Hitman10000]

You said your dad left you when you were young. Many other AFCs/Chumps grew up with weak, distant, abusive fathers. I find that it directly correlates as to why some men behave the way they do. Because the only person a young boy learns how to masculinity is , is through his father. If his father wasn't there and he hangs out with older "bad boys" he will end up a bad boy. Bad boys got major problems themselves despite many posts glorifying how Bad boys get the girls.

I like your post Rollo