help!

[ztas]

hi guys
i feel like i'm being taken a bit for 'granted' by a woman that I've been in a relationship with for 18 months.

I really like her and want to continue, BUT I want to build her desire and appreciation for me, without having to tell her so.

How can I realistically play being a little 'unreachable' or 'distant' without being too obvious or immature about it?

I know I shouldn't call, but I get the 'cravings' to pick up the phone and contact her...even though I know it's the wrong thing!

I call her almost 3 times as much as she calls. That's a terrible things I know! She claims she is really busy (which is possibly true). We're in different cities so that makes it that much harder...

please help guys... I've read just about everything on this site, but just need some further tips on how to put things into practice without coming across as uncaring or childishly petulant....

many thanks in advance


Z

 

[joekerr31]

dude, you don't need help. you already know what to do. Either move the relationship to a greater commitment level (which means the 2 of you living in the same city) or chill out.

after 18 months if you guys arent hard core serious yet odds are this aint going anywhere.

18 months is nothign when you are 20.

but when you are 37 its a LONG time.

its time to get serious and if the relationship won't allow for that then its time to official stamp it an ongoing casual affair. in which case you gotta stop calling so much.

reality bites at times, but dems da breaks.

J

 

[Crowes]

Simple, why do you feel cravings to call her? Busy yourself. Get out of her world and step into yours. Do you open the door of your world to her? Your choice!.......choose wisely.

 

[ztas]

is it codependency?

hI guys
thanks for the replies so far.

I sometimes suspect that my relationship is a little 'codependent' in that I love to be wanted by her. That's perhaps why I reacy negatively to anytime she reduces her 'attention' to me....

It's up to me to recognise whether I'm truly in love with her, which I think means that I extend my love to support her without expecting anything in return. (not blindly of course!)

On the other hand, if it's codependency, then perhaps I'm just 'after her' because she's after me....

Sorry...not really making sense, but just trying to get things off my chest!

Expert DJs, please give me some tips on how to avoid the craving to ring her? I'm in a fairly sedentary 9-5 job, so the temptation does arise so often! We've been on daily contact so I guess she will notice if I don't ring for a whole day! But will she think I'm being grumpy or just playing hard-to-get...neither of which I'd like her to believe (though I am grumpy right now)

My plan is, that IF she does call, I'll be friendly and NOT say that I didn't want to call...just that I was busy.


best wishes to all

Z

 

[( . )( . )]

Originally posted by ztas


I call her almost 3 times as much as she calls. That's a terrible things I know! She claims she is really busy (which is possibly true).

Safe to say when your calling a chick 3 times more than she does you and shes telling you shes "too busy" to yabber on the phone (a pastime chicks are born for) its time to take the phone and bury it in the backyard. This isnt a good sign.

 

[Wyldfire]

You're too needy. If she is pulling away a bit it's because you are starting to suffocate her. If you don't back off you're going to lose her.

Go get some hobbies and let her be the next one to call you. From now on...you are ONLY to call her after she has called you. ONLY call her once for every one time she calls you. NOTHING more than that...no exceptions.

 

[Tomb]

50/50. If she's busy, you busy too. No calls!

 

[joekerr31]

ok im going to get flamed for posting this perhaps but i've found this works. may not always get you the woman but tends to make you happy with outcome.

have you tried honesty?

Two things create stress and anxiety when it comes to relationships

1) not knowing what the other person is thinking/doing
2) keeping your feelings to yourself and acting in a way that is out of line with your feelings

now i know the dj way is to do exactly as #2 suggests, but let me clarify.

I've found that when things get wierd (like in your case) with a woman that i just blow the whole situation wide open and i tell her exactly what is on my mind. this applies more for LTR than short term (you pull total honest with short term and it looks needy)

so ill say "here's the deal. I'm vested in this relationship and i want to develop it more. I want to know what you want. How important is this relationship to you?"

people are soooooooo afraid to just come right out and say whats on their mind. because they are soooo afraid that the answer isn't going to be what they want to hear.

but you know what, if its not what you want to hear you can at least move on and know that you did what you could do - you were honest.

sometimes you'll get "im sorry, i've just been very confused. you are the most important thing to me and i take this very seriously" in which case you've just pushed her to resolve her inner confusion and commit.

other times youll get "umm. i think things are fine." this is her basically chickening out and not being upfront. to which you should continue with the honesty "well, i dont feel things are fine right now. i feel like we have different levels of commitment to this relationship. so i think it's time to take a break. I'm looking for someone who wants a commitment relationship. if you ever get to that point in your life give me a call"

she'll get pissed that here you are blowing the doors off the ambiguity that she feels comfortable with right now. But almost like clock work 1-2 weeks later she'll call you and want to take another shot at things.

funny thing is, when this happens, i usually find that i've lost my interest. she had the chance to step up to the plate, be honest as well, but instead didn't have the courage - and i find the whole fantasy-like light that i saw her in has disappeared.

anyway, i think honesty is the best policy. i think the only time honesty works against you is when you lay it on the line, she doesn't respond, then you act like you never laid it on the line (so many guys do this). You have to know what you want, tell her what you want and what you aren't prepared to accept, and then stick to your words.

at least if you lose her under those circumstances you KNOW she was never goign to give you what you really wanted and you can go find a woman who can. Or at the very least get rid of a chic who is using you to fulfil her needs and who really doesnt care about your needs

J

 

[ztas]

the honest approach

HI wyldfire and tomb,

will definetely take your advice on the phone calls! But man...I have to resist the temptation! Maybe everytime I get the urge to call , I'll just come on here and write instead

Joekerr - I think there is much to be gained from the honest approach. I feel that some of the DJ recommendations may tend towards masking problems that we guys might have. Basically if it doesn't work with a girl, move on. However that can lead to perpetuating innate problems, rather than genuinely solving them. I think these approaches might well work to 'hook' a girl, but there's nothing like frankness to sustain a relationship.


All comes down to communication...especially in a long-distance LTR! At best I only get to see her once a month so phone calls are vital.

best wishes

Z

 

[flexion_]

So you just said you call her too much and she is always "busy" - and now you are saying that phone calls are vital?

The problem here is you. It has nothing to do with her - once you start to realize this then she'll will became less busy. Unfortunately I don't think you are going to figure it out in time for this current relationship.

 

[Tomb]

Girls can lie. Actions speak truth.

 

[speedo_meme]

ztas, i'm in a similar situation. The only exception is that my girl and I have been together for 3.5 months and she calls more than I do. Yes, that should be good, but it seems all she wants to do is talk on the phone. I kinda wussed out the other night to her, but regained some ground by turning her down when she asked me to come over really late.

joekerr, wyldfire......i like your answers to the situation at hand....but joe what constitutes how long you wait before your really be honest? In my case, I really care about the girl a lot, but she wants to take it slow, yadda yadda ********, but still calls....almost as if to just "make sure" I'm still there. I should probably quit calling altogether too, but I'd really like to have that honesty conversation with her. I guess me and ztas are the only ones who really know when the time is right to do that. On the other hand I don't want to let my emotions control that.

Another question is.....how can I get my mind off her and really get back into my own reality again. I'm getting needy on her again and I need to change this before it's too late. Sorry to take away from your situation ztas, but I thought ours were similar, so I chymed in.....

 

[speedo_meme]

ztas, what i was getting at is this (my opinion)......

after 18 months i think it would be fine to have an "honest" conversation. Because if it's not meant to be, then no degree of DJ'ing will make it happen, esp. over the long haul.