Help with Jealously?

[topdog3853]

Allright guys. It has taken me a while to build up the nerve to post this because I really thought I could train myself, but I think I may need a little advice. Back in the good ole AFC' I use to always show my jealously when I was with girls. It took me a long time to realize how bad it is [w/help from here]. Well I feel I have come a long ways because I do portray the attitude that "I just don't care" when a girl is trying to make you jealous or whatever. I do always seem to pass their little tests, etc. My problem is that even though I am very good at body language/speech and attitude showing that a girl can't make me jealous from an outside point of view, every once in a while it will eat away at me on the inside. It does piss me off, and I know it is bad especially for future relationships and hookups, but any advice as to how I can get rid of this f**king feeling sometimes on the inside? Thanks

 

[RKTek]

There is a very popular book, available at most decent book stores called "CoDependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It's available in paperback so it's not so expensive. You'll probably also find a copy in the library.

It deals with jealousy and why it is you feel that way. You might be surprised.

 

[Starman]

dude, jealousy is a natural human emotion.

The only thing I can recommend is to do some introspection in your own life from childhood.

If you notice different people have different levels of jealousy..and it has its roots in childhood insecurities.

i.e. if you had multiple siblings..and you had to fight for your parents attention..and didnt get it..it builds jealousy.

Your girl's effect on you is like your parents..always feeling you have to compete and fight for her love/attention.

try to talk to someone about the roots of this jealousy. What makes you jealous? why? what do you think will happen? you need to explore these to understand the jealousy monster and keep it under control.

otherwise..its a natural human characteristic..it just varies with degree

 

[topdog3853]

Thanks guys. Its definitely the one trait I have to focus on. Granted I have come a long ways because before I would get jealous over chick I wasn't even with [AFC huh?] Now it only tends to sneak its way out with girls that I have been dating for a while. Its like there's a threshold for me that when I start feeling stronger feelings for a chick, that stupid little emotion that I have worked so hard on creeps back into my life. Well I guess all you can do is continue to learn from mistakes.

 

[Starman]

at the base of jealousy is insecurity, fear (of abandonement) and losing love or something valuable to you. Then anger develops.

go take this jealousy test..try to be honest..report back.

http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/access_jealousy.html

 

[Starman]

Jealousy arises in 'loving' relationships because of three factors:
comparison, competition, and the fear of being replaced.
If we become more autonomous and self-creating,
these three features of relationships become less significant
and hence the passion of jealousy becomes less likely.

However, within ordinary, possessive relationships, jealousy is normal:
If we find ourselves replaced, supplanted, traded-in for a better model,
we naturally feel a tremendous sense of loss, anger, grief, and betrayal.

This bitter feeling of hurt and hostility we call "jealousy"
can become one of the most powerful obsessions of human life.
And yet, this emotion is a social product—with deep cultural roots.
If we have learned how to feel jealous, can we unlearn this response?

If we are loved for the unique persons we are becoming,
then comparison with rivals diminishes.
And when we are no longer in competition with other women or men,
we become less vulnerable to feeling jealous.
If we become irreplaceable in our relationships, then jealousy disappears.

Thus the basic way to prevent jealousy
is to become unique and irreplaceable persons.
And becoming more Authentic may be the best way
to transcend the threat of being replaced by potential rivals.

OUTLINE:

I. WHEN LOVE IS COMPETITIVE, JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE

II. PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE
A. Replaceability—Being Better Means Being the Same.
B. How We Might Become Singular and Irreplaceable. III. AUTHENTIC LOVE EMERGES FROM SINGULARITY

IV. THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY
A. Which Long-Distance Service Will He Use?
B. Jealousy is More than Mere Loss of Love.
C. The Comparison Game.
D. Sexual Jealousy. V. WHAT TO DO ABOUT JEALOUSY

 

[topdog3853]

Well here is pretty much what that test just told me.

"Very few people display a blatant lack of jealousy. In your case, the lack is not blatant. Nevertheless, you appear to be a person in whom jealousy can be evoked but who does not live in a permanent state of fear of losing someone"

I agree, I mean it takes a lot for me to show and act on my jealousy, but there are certain situations that will bring it out.

Thanks Starman