Help With Custody and Daughter's School

[logicallefty]

- Ex wife and I divorced in 04. We have one 11 year old daughter

- We have joint custody

- For the past 10 years we have got along perfectly. So much that when I went through a bad situation with another woman in 12 which included me getting arrested, my ex wife from 04 wrote letters to the Judge in my favor and defended me to the end

- She is remarried. I get along with her new husband just fine but my daughter can't stand him. He has a long list of rules for my daughter and I only agree with about 60% of them. The other 40% are complete and utter sociopathic nonsense.

- My daughter is miserable in their home.

- My daughter is also miserable at the school she attends which serves her mother's district. Last week a girl threatened to stab her at school. I pulled her out of school and refuse to let her go back.

- Her mother wants to enroll her in a Christian School that she agreed to pay for 100%

- The public school that serves my home has won awards and is a state recognized public school for excellence. My daughter wants to go there, but her mother will not stipulate to that.

- My daughter is begging me to take her mother to court, get full custody, and then put her in school in my district

My dilema is, do I risk the good relations her mother and I have to do this? I am confident that if I went to court I would win. I have a couple of Emails where her mother kind of hung herself on the situation. Again, I don't want to get into a fude with her but at the same time, I want to support my daughter and get her into a happier home and school.

Suggestions?

 

[Epimanes]

Your daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to live... Beenderdundat.. Was in her shoes when I was little.

If your daughter says "I wana live with my dad".. All she has to do is say it to a lawyer and boom... She's yours pretty much. There might be some backlash from your ex wife.. But really she's got nothing to stand on.

Your not married to your ex anymore.. Or sleepin with her. So really... What do you care what she thinks? Your daughter is way more important than how the ex feels..

You could offer up an amicable custody exchange and tell your ex "listen, our daughter wants to go to school over here and live with me now. We can do this the easy way and I take her and you sign over 60% custody to me and she comes with me or we can do this the hard way and drag it through court.. Your call"

Give your ex a chance to do it clean cut.. If not its time to roll up your sleeves.

Epi

 

[Prime_Beef]

Been here, done it.
Suggest you talk to a lawyer. Make sure you find a good one. Best way for me was to sit and watch who came thru court before and after my issues. Be sure you ask lawyers about the judges they know, who used to work where b4 the bench, etc. Don't pick one out of the jurisdiction. Activist judges are very common and an out of town attorney will have no understanding of the lay of the land.

11 is somewhat young to decide where to live. 12,13 more likely. Most courts will have your kid be interviewed by a court appointed mediator/psychologist. What goes in that report is usually approved by the judge. Be mindful your daughter's emotions will be toyed with and coached. She may say she wants to live with you now, but under pressure, may fold. Or may legitimately change. She's a kid. Document what you hear and when. Don't be obvious about it.

Your arrest record may be an impedance, your lawyer will let you know.

Always remember the key question for the lawyer..."..I understand all that, but how much is it to WIN?.."

TOTALLY different price structure

Good luck

Prime_Beef

 

[ZTIME]

Most courts will have your kid be interviewed by a court appointed mediator/psychologist. What goes in that report is usually approved by the judge.

Prime_Beef[/QUOTE

^^^ This is so true!

Seen it first hand. The court appointed "Family Evaluator". If you're the one entering the court asking for a change in custody, the liability of the evaluators expense can fall into your lap 100%.

In my experience, the cost of the evaluator is about $10'000 which must be paid in full before the results are submitted to the judge. You also have no right to see those results before submittal.

Also, keep in mind that it must be fully proven that something has drastically changed in the ex's life which makes her unsuited to carry out her parenting responsibilities. And these events must have taken place AFTER the original parenting plan was put into place.

One more note.... Every involved party will be questioned by the evaluator. This is a long process!!

Good Luck

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Lefty,
Sounds a great situation...I would leave it a few years...Then you and your daughter will get on like a house on fire...I did that after finding that I was a mean Dad when I enforced rules on teenagers...Later one came back,Oh how she would preen herself infront of friewnds when I would say".....Is such a treasure,don't know where I would be without her looking after me"LOL.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I just worked on a case like this.

In Illinois, everything is up to the judge. The judge can choose to listen to the kid or ignore her; the judge has complete discretion.

Judges are very reluctant to re-open old custody agreements and modify them. The burden is on the party filing to demonstrate an extreme change of circumstances. Lawyers will all take your money and tell you that they are very confident you'll win, which is why lawyers are dirt bags. They will tell you anything to get your money.

Your best chance of actually "winning" would be in the pre-trial arbitrations they make you go through. Both sides bargain to reach a deal. Maybe you could offer to keep joint custody and have the girl spend her summers and holidays with mom. That would be the offer I would make to your ex-wife. I think a friendly agreement is really your only chance.

 

[Mystir]

Hundreds of issues like this arise daily. But, what we must remember, as men, is that we do have a type of duty to those we father. If she is miserable, and it is genuine Misery... it has to end. What good is a mother who makes a miserable life for her daughter? that sounds sociopathic in and of itself. "here, I love you so much that your going to hate your whole life, except with one parent your not allowed to be with very much."

If my mom would have said that, (as she often does), I'd have walked out on her. (as I often do.)

I walked out when my mom tried to convince me skin ripping and bone breaking rape was useful, I walked out when she tried to tell me that commiting fraud was the best way to live, I walked out when she disapproved of one of my girlfriends because of the clothes I wanted that girl to wear.

It sounds like this woman is.... sorry to say... not healthy for your daughter. I've seen your a well respected person on this site; imagine what your ex would go through if she were to post HER thoughts here?

Would we approve of horrible man choices? I'll bet that her new husband isn't doing much (if anything) to make her and her daughter happy.

Dude, he's probably got a 7 inch knocker and a grade school education on G-spots. and because she is probably regretting how much she lost when you two split (I.E. fighting for you all the time, defending you, trying to show others up in your defense: All things woman do to say "I'm still interested in the sex part")

Dude, I'm in a relationship right now. You don't have to think or act like me, I don't want that: But, if My girl said anything of this nature... I do love her, but I'm not going damage my, or anyone elses, kid for the sake of not hurting her feelings.

Have you ever known someone that, helping someone else hurt there feelings?

Take note that they are probably not in your life right now. Now ask yourself why you cut them out of your life.

I respect your feelings and thoughts on her, There is a history I do not know between you... But sometimes we have to do what is difficult to protect those we love. Even if it means losing a misguided friend along the way.

She has the choice to do better, if she doesn't do better, it is your right and responsibility as a man to lead by example and show her HOW to love a child. she obviously doesn't really know if she can only manage to come up with replacements for growth and second-best schools.

 

[logicallefty]

Thank you fellas, all of your replies are very much appreciated. Mystir, welcome to our forums your first post was well received.

This weekend I have started getting my documents ready for court. I asked my daughter to think on this over the weekend and make sure it's what she really wants. She texted me from her mom's phone Friday night and said "I have a final answer on what I really want"... I said "I don't want to hear it, I still want you think over the weekend and tell me Monday". So texts will help me prove to the Judge that I am not putting pressure on my daughter about living with me full time, it's all her, and I am just advocating for what she wants. I also let her mother know and said "I am sorry but it may take court to resolve this".. Mother replied "I understand and I am sorry too". It's been business as usual otherwise. My daughter went out Saturday night with her mother, my mother, my exes mother, and my ex, and had fun like they sometimes do. This is they way it has been sense our divorce. Everybody civil, everybody gets along, my daughter reaps in the benefit. But I agree it's time to roll up the sleeves with this custody and school thing.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I worked at cultivating a purely academic discussion with a young woman facing almost the exact same situation, which of course is all that us mere mortals who do not have a state law license are allowed to do.

She was on the side that lefty's wife would be - the party opposing the custody agreement modification. Her husband dropped $10k on a lawyer who assured him the entire time he would win everything. But he lost to a girl who got expelled from 9th grade. It's no big deal, though, because he still got to keep the $10k. That's what's important.

 

[logicallefty]

My daughter called me last night crying and said "Dad please get me out of here. Can't you do something legal to come get me right now?" I could her hear step dad yelling at mom/my ex in the background. I asked my daughter if he had yelled at her today and she said "YES, A LOT".

Then I talked to ex on the phone and asked if I could come pick my daughter up. Legally it was her time so I asked nicely. She got really snippy with me and said "I already told her NO, you both need to quit asking me!!"

We hung up and I texted her, because I like conversations I have with people in writing. I told her I did not approve of her husband's behavior and that she needed to tell him to "chill out and butt out". She texted back and said she agreed that the situation was getting out of hand and she would address it. I'm going to address it too, in Court.

 

[logicallefty]

Let your daughter go to Christian school!

I am OK with this, but my daughter is not. She hates anything to do with religion. I'm Agnostic so I go with the flow.

My core "religions beliefs" are :

1) others shall worship, or not worship, as they so choose, or don't choose

2) Religion shall never be forced or influenced upon a person against their will

 

[Bokanovsky]

My dilema is, do I risk the good relations her mother and I have to do this? I am confident that if I went to court I would win. I have a couple of Emails where her mother kind of hung herself on the situation. Again, I don't want to get into a fude with her but at the same time, I want to support my daughter and get her into a happier home and school.

Are you sure? I'm no expert in Illinois law, but up here, it would be virtually impossible for you to obtain sole custody given that your daughter has been living primarily with your ex for a long time (absent clear evidence of child abuse or some other pretty major reason). If the court decides to award sole custody, more likely than not it would be your ex who gets it. Be careful walking down that path.

 

[Prime_Beef]

Don't go off half ****ed, keep ur powder dry and say nothing until ready, after attorney.

Generally cases don't flip unless there's demonstrated abuse or neglect, and your arrest record may be a real problem. See an attorney.

 

[logicallefty]

After me exchanging many Emails with my ex yesterday and my daughter giving her a pretty good a$$ chewing, my ex has agreed, in writing, to let me enroll my daughter in the good public school in my area.

I registered her late yesterday, and she starts tomorrow. My ex said we will re evaluate after this school year. For now my daughter will be at my place M-F and my ex will take her the majority of weekends unless I have specific plans where I want her for something. I'm so glad I don't have to go to court again. :woo:

 

[Epimanes]

Excellent work sir..