HELP! Very insecure and uncomfortable with GF being friends with X [Merged threads]

[Aresx]

OMFG

Dude, I used to be in this exact same situation. I tried the "if you need to talk to him then I understand" and I've tried the "If you talk to him again, I'm breaking up with you." Both are crap, in my opinion.

It's natural to feel jealous. If she is a serious girlfriend, though, just tell hee how you really feel. But from a position of power, not neediness:

"Look, I understand you want to be friends with your ex and all. I have no problems against this guy, but one of the conditions I need to have in a LTR is no contact with exes. It's just a choice of who do you value more. I just have my boundaries and I need to know up front if you're willing to cross them just because of someone from the past."

Something along those lines. Eventually I stopped caring, and she stopped talking to him, even though he would e-mail her a lot - she would delete his e-mails usually, and once in a while read them. She never cheated on me as far as I know, and I have done some pretty WBAFC things to check - check her e-mail/buddy list, follow her when she went to hang out, surprise visits in the middle of the night and stuff. And she would come home and tell me that the guy started to like her, and she got pissed because she couldn't have a guy friend without him liking her. Yeah dude, it's a scary thing to contemplate.

By the way, if she does agree to stop seeing him, I would still check up on her. Not because all women lie, but just because it's a common way in which a guy gets cuckolded.

Anyway, I pretty much agree with cactus3178. It doesn't always mean she's cheating, and it doesn't mean she's innocent either. Put your emotions on hold, check out the situation, then make your decision, and stick with it. Did that just contradict the rest of my post?

 

[whowy04]

[/B][/QUOTE]

If you think the relationship is VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS then I do believe her actions are unfair.

Yep.. you got it we are as serious as it's going to get. She's moving in with me shortly. We're starting to go ring shopping and thus discuss our future together.

FVCK! Its almost as if you are playing the role of soft, sensative, understanding, new age AFC guy by adjusting and compromising on her bull$hit.

I agree with you completely. I am that guy...and I admit it! I give her everything. I show you an incredible amount of love and compassion. Bottom line...she knows I'm one of a kind. Up until this point, we'd get into arguments over this guy but i'd come back, apologize, and say I'll try better to deal with it.

can almost sense that she is keeping her ex as a backup option.

I do trust that this is not the case. She concedes that what they had ended a long time ago and it didn't work out for a reason. He was all messed up in the head and she wanted things a different way. However she does say that she has a big heart and she feels that its ok to be friends with someone that you spent alot of time with once "all the smoke clears" after the breakup. I say B.S.!!!

I don't think you are being DJ and manly and strong enough with your girlfriend....

You're right! last night... I did just that. I'll explain further in my next post.

 

[whowy04]

Something along those lines. Eventually I stopped caring, and she stopped talking to him, even though he would e-mail her a lot - she would delete his e-mails usually, and once in a while read them. She never cheated on me as far as I know, and I have done some pretty WBAFC things to check - check her e-mail/buddy list, follow her when she went to hang out, surprise visits in the middle of the night and stuff. And she would come home and tell me that the guy started to like her, and she got pissed because she couldn't have a guy friend without him liking her. Yeah dude, it's a scary thing to contemplate.

cuckolded.

WTF... sounds like you and I have alot in common. It's funny b/c I do the same. I guessed her email password, so now i have readily access to her email whenever. I can luckily say that she's never even emailed him. The only time she spoke with him via email was in the beg. of our relationship and it was maily friendly. He only sends forwards of jokes and other stupid sh!t. I check her cell phone all the time. I hate doing it but my f-ed up mind won't let me NOT do it. Checking her cell is what usually gets me p!ssed. I usually see a txt message or a phone call that she doesn't tell me about . But all in all, it's sux and it's a terribe thing to deal with.

 

[bud1971]

Don't feel bad about checking up on your girlfriend....

usually, if you feel that you need to, it is your subconscious telling you to get out of the relationship!

This is not about her friendship with this guy...it is about her controlling you! Plus, she is lying to you. GET OUT NOW.....she is nuttier than squirrel turds.

You say you have treated her excellent, been faithful, apologized over this other guy and you are moving her in.......what is in this for you?

 

[whowy04]

UPDATE: HELP! Very insecure and uncomfortable with GF being friends with X

Alright, so we had THE discussion over all this B.S. last night and it went somewhat sh!tty, but ended pretty positive for me.

I pretty much explained my standpoint. I told her it wasn't a matter of trust. I just wasn't comfortable with this guy calling ocne and awhile. I didn't like how she said that "she cared to see how he was doing adn how his life was goin." Sure...I admitted that I could be more undestandng, but I tried all that it always comes backaround to hurt me and affect our relationship.

So... she said she wouldn't talk to him anymore and that when she did recenltly, she "slipped up." She continued to say...I'm doing this for you. I don't want to...I dont like being told who I can and can't talk to. So, as long as we're on the same page she says... "I am giving up a friend who I care about for you." So...as much as it sounds like this is over...i feel like its not b/c she made me feel like **** about it. Even tho she's "cutting him off," she doens't wanna do it and feels its unnecesary but realizes that i'm serious about this.

I leave her place.

Later on in the nigh, she txts me with "Baby, i love you so much, i wish you would believe me and my feeligns for you." I dont reply.

10 minutes later...she txts me with "Baby, I'm so sorry for making you feel this way." I dont reply.

10 minutes later... she txts me with "baby?" i am about to reply and she calls me. "Why are u ignoring me?" I'm not...I was just feeeling down about this so my BFs coming over and we're going to discuss it further over some beers. She didn't like that too much...she was speaking in a very "i'm so sad" voice, saying...why are you tellin your BF about this...well, i guess you're not going to sleep with me tonigh....blah blah blah.

So, all in all, I think she came around and finally realized that hurting me wasn't worht all this.

What do you guys think about those text messages and her change in attitude from the earlier discussion to the text messages/phone call?

 

[squirrels]

She decided to cut ties with her ex for you. Show some damned appreciation already.

Personally, I think you've been insecure about the whole thing, but since it's her ex, I think it's not an unreasonable request that she cut ties, considering the circumstance (I did read your previous thread). But now that she's done it, don't continue to punish her. Tell her you appreciate (or at least approve of) her decision.

Sounds like you've got her locked down. She did what you wanted. Don't continue to whip her unnecessarily over it or she may think it was a bad decision.

Also, if you try to pull this sh!t with other men in the future you'll probably come off as insecure/jealous/controlling/etc. Now that you're in that position, be comfortable and secure in that position.

 

[whowy04]

Originally posted by squirrels
She decided to cut ties with her ex for you. Show some damned appreciation already.

Personally, I think you've been insecure about the whole thing, but since it's her ex, I think it's not an unreasonable request that she cut ties, considering the circumstance (I did read your previous thread). But now that she's done it, don't continue to punish her. Tell her you appreciate (or at least approve of) her decision.

Sounds like you've got her locked down. She did what you wanted. Don't continue to whip her unnecessarily over it or she may think it was a bad decision.

Also, if you try to pull this sh!t with other men in the future you'll probably come off as insecure/jealous/controlling/etc. Now that you're in that position, be comfortable and secure in that position.

You're absolutely right! I wouldn't say I have her whipped. I mean... she wants to marry me and she realizes that no matter how stubborn she wants to be about it, she knows I'm that my feelings are more important. But, you'r right.... I shall be content in this situation and i def. do not plan on ever acting like this over any other men....there's no reason. My issue was with her X and no one else.

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by whowy04
Up until this point, we'd get into arguments over this guy but i'd come back, apologize, and say I'll try better to deal with it.

There is no need to apologize if you have not done anything wrong. From what you have posted, it sounds like she has wronged you. Don't give in if you know you are right.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[xblitz44x]

Yeah I also think it was a really weak, insecure decision. What exactly are you afraid of? Her hooking up with him? If so, think about it this way:

The entire process of her hooking up with this guy would start with Her WANTING to hook up with him. Her desire for him. You cannot change that by telling her who she can and can't speak with. If she DOES want to hook up with him, then what you did was make her push *you* further away, and her feelings for him haven't changed. You can't change that. She'll feel how she'll feel and by doing shyt to restrict what she can and can't do, you're only looking weaker yourself.

That's if she even DOES have the desire to hook up with him. If she doesn't, you still look weak; but for no reason.

"she made me feel like **** about it. Even tho she's "cutting him off," she doens't wanna do it and feels its unnecesary but realizes that i'm serious about this."

She made you feel like shyt because you realize how ridiculous it would be if SHE told you who you can and can't talk to. And also, you're right, it's not over because the root of the issue isn't that she DOES talk to him, it's that she WANTS to talk to him. And THAT part you'll never be able to restrict because it's inside of her.
It's as if instead of digging up the root of a weed, you're just cutting the part above the surface and wondering why it won't go away.

And I agree with Squirrels, she did what you told her to do; don't continue to punish her just because you're disappointed that you can't get over your own issue of her still *wanting* to be friends with him.

The point of all this is: If she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat. You can try to physically restrict her but that will only push her further away from you. Instead of blaming her for firing up your internal issues, iron them out so that they don't repeatedly come up. Because I promise you, if THIS bothered you, and you don't address it within yourself, this won't be the end of it.

Blitz

 

[Alen-Delon]

WTF why do you have to check up on your gf, thats some snicky sh*T, if you dont trust her leave her. WTF i dont get it if i dont trust somebody i wouldnt date them and get all serious. cause no matter what you do it wont stop her from likcking or FUC*king others.....

PEace

 

[MrCode]

I think this is a very touchy issue for all men, and probably something we all have to deal with at some point.

IMO, there are two major aspects to it:

1. A DJ should not get jealous or care about his girl talking to some other guy, because he knows he is the prize.

2. At the same time, a girl with a DJ boyfriend would be really into him and would have enough respect not to talk to other guys a lot, especially ex-boyfriends.

But, unfortunately for you, and by your own admission, you are not a DJ. In fact you are pretty much an AFC. Stop it, because that will be your downfall with this woman and with future women.

I think you need to back off a bit, call off any talks of marriage with this girl, and start to learn what it means to be a man, not a wussy AFC. Otherwise you are in for a world of misery.

 

[JohnJones]

Blitz, to continue the thought process, I guess his next question would be that if he concludes that she wants to talk to him and that wanting has potential for other negative outcomes, as far as he's concerned, what does he do? He evaluates her cheating potential and acts accordingly(meaning, dumps her or distances himself internally and moves the relationship back to less intimate territory?)?

At the risk of threadjacking, a female friend of mine who had cheated on a past b/f with a joint friend of theirs was recently dumped because she still very occasionally talked to the cheater-friend.

Her side was the cheating was a mistake that shouldn't have happened and her attitude was to deal with the cheater-friend as if it never had.

The dumper was pretty unemotional about it to her so I don't know what he was thinking but he indicated that he didn't think you could just pretend, he didn't like the conspiratorial tone of their interaction (ie, the guy who got cheated on didn't know) and most importantly, didn't want to be involved with that messy a situation.

In some sense, both whowy's girl's ex and my friend are in the same position. Is the answer that you haven't done a good enough job with the girl if she is still even capable of wanting to talk with him?

In all events, I agree that it is a bad thing to make it an event and to have the kinds of conversations that went on here.

 

[xblitz44x]

Hey John,

I didn't really understand the situation you posted about your female friend. She cheated on Guy1 a while ago, with CheaterGuy. And now she is with Guy2 but still talks to CheaterGuy because she thinks they should go on as if nothing happened? And now Guy2 dumped her because he doesn't think they should pretend nothing happened? I'm just trying to piece it together.

I guess my point was that restricting a girl from talking to a guy is only going to backfire. If a girl had an intention to cheat, she can and will find a way to do it behind your back whether you try to tell her she can't or not. And if she doesn't have the intention to cheat, then you have nothing to worry about to begin with.

The issue with whowy isn't that the girl wants to keep her ex as a friend; its' that whowy doesn't trust his girl enough so he thinks that by telling her what she can and can't do, it's going to solve the problem.

If he doesn't trust her, he has to figure out why. If it's because she's given him reason NOT to trust her (ie: she's cheated before) then he has to decide whether or not he is willing forgive her and believes that she won't do it again. If he doesn't truely forgive and trust again, it will never be a heatlhy relationship. In that case, its not his fault. She cheated and gave reason to shake his foundation of trust.

But in THIS case, (from what we know) he has NO REASON not to trust her. No reason to believe that she is going to stray. So this is clearly a case of his own mind and insecurity playing tricks on him. And when that happens he has to face down with them, interally, and figure them out. Figure out where it's coming from, and why it's bothering him and iron them out. See how silly the thoughts really are and invalidate them. If he doesn't do that, and insists on blaming her for her 'disrespectful actions' he'll constantly be haunted by insecurity.

-Blitz

 

[Player_Supreme]

1. I try never to show insecurities to women, but I do understand where your coming from.

2. Your woman should have only one voice in her ear. Yours! Not the ex's. Nobody should be bending her ear!

3. She should have only one vision that she sees. Yours! Not old feelings of ex's.

You probably got flamed for showing her your insecurity by those equality in relationship nuts on this site but ignore those fools man. A man makes a womb out of his pvssy and he doesn't want other mens energy soiling his stuff.

Your woman in my opinion shouldn't be talking to an ex. It's ok to have men friends but friends whom she used to suck their dycks is not in my picture.

There can only be one! And that one is YOU.


Don't let her use the guilt shyt on you either when she said about giving up a friend for you....cause that will come back to haunt you later on.

She loves you very much and that should be why she should have no reason even to talk to the ex. As I said there can only be one vision. She should only see one male in her eyes.

You need to get up in her head and make her understand her true place as your womb. Tell her sweet words of passion and deep emotion. Tell her how much you enjoy your world together when there isn't shyt tracked in it. Make love to her deeply tonight and when she cums...make her look you in the eyes and say to her..."who do you belong too"

Her answer will become ingrained in her subconscious mind. This will increase the connection between her and you.

Next time she is giving you head. Make her tell you all about how she fawked the other fool. Nothing breaks a woman down more than this shyt. But you gotta be man enough to handle what you hear.

But this will open doors in her. Doors that you will have the keys too.

 

[bud1971]

I am really against having girlfriends who hang out with other guys. You cannot change the laws of nature and I have seen it too many times. Guys who do not think that their girlfriend having guy friends is a problem are playing with fire and will get burned eventually.

With that being said, I also want to emphasize that you should never try and tell anyone who they can or cannot see. Better to just move on to the next one. This is definitely not acceptable behavior by women, and if they were always getting dumped for their inconsiderate behavior...they would eventually get the point.

It doesn't matter if you aren't serious about the girl, but girls like this are not candidates for LTR's.

 

[xblitz44x]

"Next time she is giving you head. Make her tell you all about how she fawked the other fool"

That's just weird, dude. And it's going to be kinda hard for her to talk don't you think?

 

[1utfan1]

Originally posted by Player_Supreme
Make love to her deeply tonight and when she cums...make her look you in the eyes and say to her..."who do you belong too"

This is interesting. I'm going to have to try this.

I agree with the rest of the fella's. You shouldn't have told her who she can hang with. And props to Player for adding that you shouldn't have to tell her cuz you should be the only one she's focused on. And i know of no easy way out of this but you need to get out from under the 'i won't hang out with him anymore for you". Believe me that will come back to haunt you. I think you also need to pull back a little. I'll try and add more to this later. good luck.

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by bud1971
I am really against having girlfriends who hang out with other guys. You cannot change the laws of nature and I have seen it too many times. Guys who do not think that their girlfriend having guy friends is a problem are playing with fire and will get burned eventually.

Girls with no guy friends are usually UGs. I have yet to see a HB8 or better without some number of guy friends.

Does there even exist a HB10 that has no guy friends? If there does, let us know. She's rarer than the Lochness Monster.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[bud1971]

Agreed...and maybe I should have clarified what I meant a little better.

I just feel that if you are in a committed, long-term relationship that a girl who would insist on maintaining one or more close friendships with a guy is a warning sign, or an ex.

Totally different if you are just beginning a relationship, but if you are at the point of co-habitating and she is still is talking to her ex's and lying about it, that would be a total deal breaker for me.

I think it shows a lack of respect and commitment on the girl's part to do so.

Plus, i think what irks me about the whole "friend" issue is that it is not always an accurate term. it should be something like "AFC that follows me around hoping for pity/ rebound sex" Not to say that none of you DJ's have true platonic girlfriends, but what I am saying is that 9 times of ten, if a guy has that Magnum PI voice going off in his head to the point where he feels the need to ask advice.....it probably is the above situation.

 

[Sart]

could be

My wife had a close friend for a fair while, he was an ex boyfriend. It never really bothered me that much. About two weeks ago we had a bit of a sit down and talk and interestingly enough she told me that she had stayed friends with him "in case" she and I didn't work out. He had been a back up plan.

I don't know if this is all a huge issue really, perhaps your girl is covering her bases. If so, let him do the AFC stuff, he probably isnt a real threat to you. Who does she f@#ck?