Help Reframing Girlfriend !?!

[Bingo-Player]

Ok so a bit of a back story, girlfriend of 6 months everything’s been going great up until the last 2 weeks …..


She has a friend we’ll call her Kelly …….Kelly (25) is your standard run of the mill trashy modern woman recently divorced from husband ( 2 kids ) and is now on a c0ck rampage from what GF tells me its been literally a new man every weekend for the last 4/5 months


Not exactly the type of chick you want your girl hanging out with, but ok whatever it wasn’t really bothering me up until now


my girl lives in a small town about an hour away from me , her ex and all his friends live there along with kelly


kelly is out drinking EVERY single weekend and if im not around tends to drag my girl out with her ……


again I didn’t mind this every so often because I trust her ………although I have questioned why a woman with 2 young children needs to be out every single weekend ……


anyway I met GF last week and she said shes had enough of going out all the time and wants to stay in to save some money …..*great I think*


On Friday I ask what she’s up to and she admits she’s out with kelly AGAIN


This is where my fuse goes and I hit the roof …….i ask why it always has to be her that goes out with kelly!?! ….doesnt kelly have any other friends that can go out with her !?!


I also tell her she’s out drinking way too much for a girl that’s in a relationship


She doesn’t like this and ignores the message until Saturday when she comes back with her tail between her legs


By this point im furious she’s ignored me all night and I just give her short thrift followed with a freezeout


I realise now ive lost some serious frame with her as I’ve let her actions affect me way too much


Whats irritating me the most is she cant even see why im annoyed , where as I feel im well within my right to express my concerns


Has anyone got any ideas on reframing this situation? ……this is my first long term relationship and im in uncharted waters here

 

[Initiatedindenial]

Be careful. You have now taken a position, you cannot backtrack from that no matter what it takes.

If the Kelly slut is a really good friend I can understand her trying to be with her, but the fact that you GF is so thrilled of going out with her on the **** hunt is a major red flag.

Do you think she is not getting hit on constantly? Maybe she is browsing to see if she can find someone more alpha than you.

The fact that she told you that she was sick of doing it but then did it next time shows that she knows it is not acceptable, but she is quite enjoying it. The "no more" smoke screen is bs, plus when you bitched at her she just ignored you until her night out was done (Setting priorities).

Doesn't look good, you must withdraw as much as you can and fire back (Go out disappear, have fun).

 

[Muscle brain]

I Think you are going to get your heart broken and ripped apart if you develop some sort of feelings for that particular girl. If she´s hanging with that kind of Woman, you can be sure that she´s c0ck rampage around too."Like attract like". Get a girl in your area and make her a plate in your rotation. If you only have that girl in your picture, you will end up as an AFC again. Don´t waist your time on that one, to much Red Flags in my Book. Open your eyes. She´s Probably Banging her Ex and other Orbiters Anyway. Not Relationship Material.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Two points as is TMK's usual way.

1) You are young. And I imagine she is. It's probably not going to be happily ever after. Six months is a good time to evaluate things, and maybe to call it a day if there are different agendas at play.
I used to enjoy your posts about your pulling random girls every week. You seemed happier and more in control of your life, well, love life anyway. As much as it's not easy to tell someone's mood over the internet, you'll probably admit you're not as happy as you once were - and that, sausage, is a problem. I see you've posted a couple of threads about this girl now.

2) This girl is essentially saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. She wants to stop drinking, but is either too loyal to people that don't matter, or she doesn't have the will-power to say no. She's keeping questionable company. That means she's not necessarily trust-worthy anymore. You need to look out for number one man. The way you are at the moment will only driver her further away. She probably is having more fun going out than being with you arguing about it. It's no one's fault, there are just different agendas at play. May be it's just run it's course for now, sad as that is.

Number one priority is your happiness mate. There are a million and one other girls out there who will probably meet your needs better. Maybe it's time to get back in the field yourself. Just don't let things get out of hand; take that from someone who's been there, more than once. Better to leave things amicable, with your dignity in tact. Maybe it will give her the kick up the ar$e she needs.

You know the old saying: never be afraid to walk away and mean it.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Yea I wont be backing down on this she’s on mute until she can either explain this weird need to tag along on these nights out all the time or she can see my POV on it and act positively on it

Either way if we are to continue the nights out are going to be cut down period

Yea shes very good friends with this Kelly she was on the scene a long time before I was

but that’s not really the point your priorities have to change in a relationship

I suspect shes underestimated how much you have to sacrifice to settle down and possibly isn't ready

As I said above this is my first real long term relationship and I feel both of us have invested too much into it for it to dissolve over something relatively minor like this BUT change is required immediately

@TheMonkeyKing - yea ive done the random chick thing to death man its fun for a while getting your end away in a different hole every weekend but there is no end product to it and it can get pretty tiring its also expensive

hence why i took this chick on because i saw a lot of potential in her from a very early stage but as you say 6 months is a fair chunk of time to evaluate the situation and it could be its time for us to part ways although i know this would be extremely painful for both of us as we connected so well initally

i feel a make or break talk coming on in the very near future

 

[kenpiffyjr]

It's not about reframing your gf, it's about reframing yourself. You're on a downward spiral my friend and the pit is AFC zone.

The fact that you have expectations set up that feel like a boring, husband/wife, church on Sunday's lifestyle will be your demise if you don't get ahold of it bc that's what it's going to start feeling like to her.

If she wants to go out - let her! If she wants to hang with Slxtty Kelly...tell her to have fun! You're frame right now is a old historian college Dean who is punishing fun and there's nothing attractive about that! It all comes down to do you like that she does it or if you don't. If you don't....shy away from her and (I won't say start bc your eyes should always be open) spin plates. Anything other than that...and you're frame is broken.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

You know what the deal is man. You don't need me to be preaching at you. But always remember, people will tell you what they are really thinking/feeling with their action.

Fundamentally, this girl is currently telling you that she'd rather go out drinking with losers than be with you.

As is said, you should never stop dating a woman, even after 20 years of marriage. You need to be offering more value than the value she gets from going out.

That's saying nothing about you; some women in particular are infamous for their warped sense of loyalty and judgement of character.

Also remember that you communicate your value with your ability to take it elsewhere, not by telling other people what they should and shouldn't do. Try looking up a bit of relationship game stuff.

If it were me, I'd make myself scarce until she was absolutely blowing my phone up. They don't respond well to rational argument or dictatorship. What they do react to is power, radio silence and mystery.

Rewind five months and put her right back on probation. Behave like you don't really know her yet, because essentially you don't, like, a bit emotionally distant.

I understand about the investment side; trust me, more than I hope you ever have to understand. But believe that it's better to cut your losses than to keep throwing time, money and effort at a failing initiative.

You don't necessarily have to break everything forever, but maybe a good time for a little space and time for that reflection and evaluation, for the both of you. You can make this happen without having to communicate anything to her. I guarantee she'll likely be back in your pocket within a few weeks if you play it right, and she's got her head screwed on right.

Believe that giving orders and overtly communicating expectations will only inspire rebellion and backfire eventually. People desire what they can't have, not what they are told they desire, so withdraw your time and attention, albeit temporarily.

 

[RangerMIke]

The only way to reset things with women is time and distance. Just back off and wait. You really didn't have to tell her you were tired of her and her friend chasing dudes. She already knew. And the simple fact is that she wants to do this with her friend more than she wants to spend time with you... Your time on this ride is coming to an end... all you can do at this point is to keep your respect and dignity and walk away.

Verbalizing your disapproval is a waste of time and already tells her what she already knows. Just tell her you're giving her space to figure out what is important to her, then go date other chicks. If she thinks you should have more time on the ride then she'll make herself available, otherwise just assume she's on her way out.

 

[wifehunter]

 

[Bingo-Player]

cheers for all the comments guys i think i have a more clear view of the situation now

 

[Serenity]

Seems you got plenty of help regarding how to deal with it, but there's one small thing I want to point out. Might be useful for less dramatic situations with potential LTR material, there will always come up something you have a slight problem with.

You had questioned this and thought about it for a while without mentioning what you think about it to her for a while. Then suddenly it overflows and you release everything at once. This is not a functional way of dealing with things like this. You should have mentioned what you think about it early on, it could have led to a dialogue in a calm manner. Instead this turned into a burst of annoyance and reactive behaviors.

My girlfriend has a friend that I think is messed up, they used to hang out a lot but not so much anymore. Mainly because I told my girlfriend bits and pieces of my impressions from the start. How her friend has a victim mentality, takes advantage of people and evidently makes some dumb decisions. I didn't start out saying that, I pointed out very specific things about her friend from each encounter. My girlfriend agrees, they still hang out but nowhere near as much as before because she is also annoyed by some of her behavior. Had I just kept my mouth shut until I was extremely annoyed I would probably blow up and the aftermath of that isn't fun.

So yeah, don't keep it in just to explode later. Say things calmly the moment you notice and take it from there.

 

[BeExcellent]

Its simple. You reward the behavior you want to encourage and you do not reward behavior you do not like. How you reward is with your attention. Good behavior? More attention. Bad behavior? Withdraw attention.

Now to do this effectively you must have a IDGAF attitude about whether this works out or not. THAT to me is your issue. You do NOT have an IDGAF attitude. You care way too much. Quit worrying about her behavior, which you simply need to reward or not reward and become concerned about your attitude.

You can only ever control yourself. If she gets back in line, great...if she doesn't, oh well...not your problem.

It really starts with your attitude about what is OK from your perspective. Reel your attitude back in and your perspective will change.

 

[Glassguy]

Listen to the consensus OP.

1.) You dont really know her at the 6 month point. Maybe her and "kelly" were on a c0ck binge long before you ever came along and thats why her friend is now divorced. For all you know your gf is telling you one thing and is really the ring leader. At the least, she enjoys going out with Kelly. Nobody is putting a gun to her head and all she would have to tell Kelly is "I am in a relationship and cant keep doing this with you".

2.) She lives an hour away. My gut (and yours too) tells us that she may be looking for someone closer who is easier to see on a consistent basis.

3.) Her ignoring you may have been her getting strange c0ck pounding her since she didnt respond.

My advice- you already told her it bothers you. Ignore her next few messages and when she starts getting nervous and blowing up your phone, simply tell her that the terms of your relationship have changed (and they have) and that you want some space to clear your head and go out with the boys this weekend. See what type of response you get.

Let her feel the shoe on the other foot, stay radio silent for a little while and see if she really caves in or just keeps going out with Kelly and makes you a thing of the past. You'll have your answer sooner than later.

For crying out loud, start finding plates near you. You need options.

 

[sazc]

Seems you got plenty of help regarding how to deal with it, but there's one small thing I want to point out. Might be useful for less dramatic situations with potential LTR material, there will always come up something you have a slight problem with.

You had questioned this and thought about it for a while without mentioning what you think about it to her for a while. Then suddenly it overflows and you release everything at once. This is not a functional way of dealing with things like this. You should have mentioned what you think about it early on, it could have led to a dialogue in a calm manner. Instead this turned into a burst of annoyance and reactive behaviors..

Just want to capture this to say again. A huge chunk of what makes good relationships is honest communication. Don't "store" frustrations up. Be honest about what you expect, be honest about your standards, and communicate these things in a timely manner.
Storing thoughts and feelings up leads to an eventual conversation that contains frustration and/or anger. This is a conversation that is more likely to turn into a confrontation and fight.

When you are vetting another person for an LTR be sure to speak up asap of you see behavior that you disagree with. Bring it up and talk about it. Better you know sooner, rather than later, if the other person is in the same page as you are.

Good luck to everyone