Help please, I might have to leave my GF

[benson t]

Guys, I am having a really hard time.
I am 27, she is 29. We have been together 8 months and got close fast, she puts a lot of effort into pleasing me.
I don't know where to start telling my story, this is hard for me. But I feel like I might have to leave her and I don't know what to do.

For one, I can't picture how leaving her would actually go down. Now, haha -- I always enjoyed that Louis CK bit where he says, "You're not married, you can end it with a phone call. Pick up the phone and say, '**** you.'" But honestly, I am having a very strong reaction to thinking of leaving her.

We built up a level of trust that I never had with anyone else -- not that I couldn't have done it with others/couldn't do it again, but fact is she and I both put real hard work into getting to know each other's desires, values, types of behaviors we can/can't respect etc., and it worked for me. I got that feeling like a well-running business or restaurant, like tasks we did together were done "ship shape", good and clean and with clear corrective measures if anything wasn't done properly. She responds well to me "disciplining" her, telling her what I don't like, giving her little playful token "punishments", treating her kind of like a kid.

My trust for her just evaporated nearly overnight. I have no idea where it went. It's all very confusing because she hasn't done anything wrong. Part of me genuinely believes this might be temporary because it doesn't make sense to me. Here's the hardest part: Thinking it might be temporary gives me Hope with a capital H, and that HOPE is the PAINFUL part.

I feel like I'm losing my mind when the following two thoughts cross paths in my mind:
A) how much effort she puts into pleasing me, the way she treats me with respect and admiration, her values and likes which make her easy to be around for me.
B) how it feels like my trust for her evaporated overnight with no clear reason, it's like my mind pulled a ripcord.

Again, the thoughts in group A make me hopeful, which makes the thought of splitting up a wrenching prospect.

But I can't continue if things stay like they are. She is coming over today and I want to talk to her and trace what we've done and talked about over the last 2 weeks to figure out what the hell happened.

Can anyone help me figure out how to troubleshoot my situation? Is there an "intake form"/questionnaire of details I should give you guys. I don't know where to begin telling the story. And I don't want to dump a bunch of unnecessary details, my post would be pages long.

Anyway, I already feel like a weight off my shoulders just typing this. But I wanted to post and introduce myself because I might need some support soon and none of my friends/family members are very good at talking about this kind of stuff. (OK, I take that back. I do have an uncle I should probably call.)

 

[stevo]

You did a good job giving an alert about a problem but I do not see the problem in your post.

You have a girl that would bend over to please you and that's freaking you out? To you it's become common and not a chase anymore?

What exactly is the problem? You want to ef someone else? You think its going so good now and the next step would be marriage? You woke up and just do not like her anymore and want out but dont know why?

What are we helping you with bro?

 

[TheCWord]

You wrote a long post but didn't include what she did to have you suddenly mistrust her. That's going to be kind of crucial if we are to assist you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You have trust issues.

Can you look into your past and see a time when you were let down by someone you trusted? It might not be obvious or easy to remember.

 

[benson t]

There are times when she annoys me, but then I recall that some great times are usually right around the corner. So I worry that as time goes by I might be like a frog not noticing the water getting hotter -- I will accept more annoyance, less frequent good times, and I won't notice enough to push back.

I could gripe. She likes some romance movies that I think set a bad example. She is not capable of being "heroic": she has a calculating, practical side -- I guess the bigger question is why do I even have a fantasy of a "heroic", devoted woman in the first place. When I see her mental weaknesses I don't know why I'm surprised/disappointed, since she still pleases me.

It bothers me sometimes that I know her attraction for me is partly based on her fear of losing me. I am on HIGH ALERT for her possible behaviors, decisions, or adventurous activities that she wouldn't do while worried about losing me. But a little bit of security and she might desire to do things she otherwise wouldn't... getting some of her kicks elsewhere, even in small ways. I hate thinking that I may have already spoiled her. I hate that that's even a risk.

I could say more but I'll save it for another time. Thanks for the responses guys, already helpful.

 

[LMFAO]

You sound like a woman.

 

[marmel75]

Hmmm...think you are afraid of long term commitment/potentially leading to her wanting to marry you and/or very insecure with yourself...

 

[benson t]

You sound like a woman.

I should charge by the minute.


Update:
On Friday she surprised me by cooking my favorite French dish, and then on Sunday with lingerie she put together based on comments I'd made about what I like. However, things came to a head last night: She disliked something I said and made a brusque comment as she walked out the door to go home. I told her I didn't like that, to which she responded "yeah, whatever". I said, "What did you just say to me?" and she replied "I'm not your actual baby girl". Immediately I told her we needed to bag up her stuff from my place (lingerie, cooking stuff). I held out my hand for the spare key I'd given her and said "This will be better for both of us," then started bagging up her stuff. Soon she started crying and writhing like she was in horrible pain, like a wounded animal. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. I did feel bad for her, but also felt there's no way I could get what I want from her or anyone else unless I'm somewhat hard on her, and willing to let her walk away. We talked and determined she had an overly simple idea of what it would take to make me happy -- that it's about more than pushing the right buttons, she has to have a good attitude behind her actions for it to work. Problem is now she's saying she's been so fearful of the possibility I might leave her, and too anxious and negative deep down, to develop the optimistic, loving attitude I'm looking for. She does not want to risk any more than she already has, she feels life has thrown her too many curveballs already -- previously she had a 7 yr ltr and got dumped. I think there's probably no way to fix this situation but I haven't cut her out of my life yet, we are meeting up tomorrow.

At this point I still can't picture exactly how I would ultimately pull the plug -- because I still trust her enough that I have that lingering HOPE. Which means I probably won't be leaving her until the day she does something inexcusably crappy... At which point, I will provide an update here.

 

[TheCWord]

I should charge by the minute.


Update:
On Friday she surprised me by cooking my favorite French dish, and then on Sunday with lingerie she put together based on comments I'd made about what I like. However, things came to a head last night: She disliked something I said and made a brusque comment as she walked out the door to go home. I told her I didn't like that, to which she responded "yeah, whatever". I said, "What did you just say to me?" and she replied "I'm not your actual baby girl". Immediately I told her we needed to bag up her stuff from my place (lingerie, cooking stuff). I held out my hand for the spare key I'd given her and said "This will be better for both of us," then started bagging up her stuff. Soon she started crying and writhing like she was in horrible pain, like a wounded animal. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. I did feel bad for her, but also felt there's no way I could get what I want from her or anyone else unless I'm somewhat hard on her, and willing to let her walk away. We talked and determined she had an overly simple idea of what it would take to make me happy -- that it's about more than pushing the right buttons, she has to have a good attitude behind her actions for it to work. Problem is now she's saying she's been so fearful of the possibility I might leave her, and too anxious and negative deep down, to develop the optimistic, loving attitude I'm looking for. She does not want to risk any more than she already has, she feels life has thrown her too many curveballs already -- previously she had a 7 yr ltr and got dumped. I think there's probably no way to fix this situation but I haven't cut her out of my life yet, we are meeting up tomorrow.

At this point I still can't picture exactly how I would ultimately pull the plug -- because I still trust her enough that I have that lingering HOPE. Which means I probably won't be leaving her until the day she does something inexcusably crappy... At which point, I will provide an update here.

I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. Flipped out on a girl after she was cooking special meals for you. I guess you really want out of this relationship, for reasons you haven't been able to properly explain on here. But that's fine, if you don't feel a girl is the right match for you - move on.

But don't drag this out. If you want to end it, end it. You don't owe us or her a specific reason - but it would be crazy to keep seeing this girl, keep complaining about her on here, when very clearly you want something else in a mate (whatever that is).

 

[benson t]

I am unhappy with myself. I am feeling pretty low. She put in a lot of effort to make me happy, but I didn't feel totally good about things, and I still don't know why I couldn't just enjoy it and trust her. Sometimes she just rubbed me the wrong way for no real reason at all... I'm still not sure if she actually did anything wrong or I just have issues. I acknowledge that I might have some of the issues you guys diagnosed (trust issues, commitment issues, etc). But I don't know what to do about that to change. Also I don't know how long it will take for me to fix these issues and be the kind of man I want to be... I can try having some fun but if I want to look for an LTR to make some memories then something like this will happen again. You know someday I'd like to make some memories I won't have to toss out like garbage, tossing out all the good stuff really burns me. I'm not sure if getting close to someone and moving on is making me stronger or weaker... Right now I kind of can't tell up from down and I'm not totally sure where to turn. I guess I have a couple family members I can talk with.

You know I was really on the fence about this girl, I don't even know why. Hopefully I will figure it out someday and look back on this moment with understanding, and not bitterness. But right now, I don't know which, and I'm unhappy with myself.

 

[BraddH]

You are just making drama for no reason just like *****es. There is no such thing as perfect. There is no such thing as a woman never annoying you. Lingering to that hope is what made you ruin this beautiful relationship.