Help! New GF still has feelings for ex

[Joe Stud]

Like they say in the military, during war:

"Maintain radio silence, hold steadfast"

 

[bukowski_merit]

I started dating this girl about two months ago, she's Romanian and an international student in my grad school. At the outset, she told me that she had a relationship with an older guy in Romania which did not work out, but she's still in love with him. I didn't care and proceeded to f-close her. I saw this mention of "love" as an LMR, since she's been in the US for almost a year (even though they might be in touch). So I thought that she'll just get over it as time passes.

You mis-calibrated. It was NOT LMR; it was an EFA (early frame announcement). It was in a way - a warning to you that she could not love you fully and should had led to you treating her as an F-buddy. She was more or less saying, "i'll fvck you, but i don't want you to love me." (this happens on a sub-conscious level)

Our relationship kept increasing in intensity and everything was awesome (including the sex), until around end May I got access to her email. I found out that she still keeps emailing the guy, sometimes random stuff like "how was your day" and sometimes heavy stuff like "I miss you". She's been doing this ever since she came to the States, and even though the frequency of these emails decreased after she met me, it was still like once in 2-3 days. The guy doesn't respond to most emails, but sometimes leaves a one-liner. They also have kind of a professional relationship (he's the head of a social foundation she's still involved with, in Romania) so it's more complicated.

He's probably a busy guy with lots of other options. Good player.

I confronted her (without telling her I had her email) and asked if she still had those feelings. She responded first with anger ("don't push me against a wall and judge me"), then with psychobabble ("it is possible to love two people at the same time" or "feelings don't go away when you order them to"). She kept asking me to focus on how beautiful our relationship was.

This isn't psychobabble. She was basically telling you that she didn't want you to turn into a "jealous" guy. Trying to "guilt" a woman into not feeling feelings for someone is absurd.

The above confrontation happened 3-4 times over the past 30 days (basically whenever I saw her emailing him something intense). After every fight she would come around to admitting she had a problem and asking for time ("it is going away, it will go away in time"). But her behavior never really changed.

LOL. Man, you just made her want to fvck/see him even more! Your problem was not that you got involved with this woman, it's that you saw her as a GF instead of a FB.

She's gone back to Romania for the summer. Just before she left, I told her squarely that if she cannot give me emotional exclusivity, I cannot offer it to her either,

Again with trying to force her to not have feelings (which in return just makes her have more feelings.) On top of that - you're giving her an unrealistic ultimatum.

She promised me she will work out her emotional issues while she's there.

im sure that is not all she'll "work out" (and in)...

The situation now is this: With this guy - She is meeting him and doing all the social work stuff with his foundation. But they're probably not sleeping together (at least not too much), because she sends him emails like "can we meet for lunch on Thursday?".

This guy probably puts a price on his time and d!ck. Probably has way more options than her. And do you see the result?

I was cold and distant to which she said "don't act like a tough guy with me".

HA! she liked it!

Then we finally came around to the heavy stuff, and I told her that I think people never change, so I'm not expecting her to change. She said she's changed a lot, but she knows she's a difficult girl to handle and I might not want to do it. I said yes, that's about right. At which she said goodbye.

"I'm a difficult girl to handle, you might not want to do it" - - - GREAT PLAYER MATERIAL!

I say the same thing to women.... "i think i might be too much of a bad guy for you; you might want to stop..."

It's a way to make herself the prize... and you bought into it...

1) Do you think this girl can change and get over the ex-bf bull**** in some more time (especially after she comes back)? After all, it's just been 2 months and that drama was for about a year. I am thinking of giving her time till October and seeing her actions then.

Most girls have "some" feelings left for their ex's. Even more if their ex was a good player. The hope you have is - it sounds like he's not too into her. She's probably just another girl in his harem. My advice - to be more like him.

2) What can I do to bring it about? Or is there nothing, and I should just frame her like an FB? She is otherwise great and if this **** goes away, I want to have an LTR with her.

Yes, frame her as a FB when she gets back NEVER offer her exclusivity again! I swear you do not want a LTR with this girl! IF the sex is great - then you can fvck her still as long as you keep your emotions in check (which means you'll have to be fvcking other girls as well.)

3) How do I deal with her in these days, while she's in Romania? No-contact, very formal contact, push-pull, what?

Fvck other women and do the same to her that her Ex did to her. You're already doing that though...


---

Update: One of the 'love quotations' she put up on facebook last night, she sends in an email to the ex. And I thought (since it was coupled with my favorite song) that it was for me.

It's very possible it was for both of you. She's very good at this.

This girl seems to be emotionally unhealthy,

she is.... but she's also a good player.

she cannot decide if her life depended on it.

and this surprises you about women?

I'm thinking of sending her a short email with "don't know if it's such a good idea for us to talk... let's stay in touch and reconnect in August if both of us want to". What do you guys think?

no need to verbalize your intentions to her.... just stop talking; she'll get the picture and feel abandonment.... and if her ex is as good as i think he is - he won't be giving her what she wants either.... double abandonment! And i bet this little woman will be in "emotional overload" heaven from it!

I mean, what would be your reasoning for an email like that? hoping that she responds "no! please, i don't want to stop talking to you!" or something? If you plan on fvcking her more when she gets back - your best bet right now, is to keep little to no contact with her. Get busy (with life and other women), and when she gets back laugh at her anger towards you; realize any anger just means she wants to fvck you really bad!

Then use her as a FB, and NEVER consider LTR!!!!! NEVER!!!! Do not play with this girls fire.... there's better pvssies out there! everytime i think i've found the best one - another one comes along to make me forget about that one!

 

[Rescue Mission]

I didn't care and proceeded to f-close her.

You should have left it at that.

That should be your entire attitude while you are in college.........why would any sane person COMMIT to a girl who is not over her ex?

Also, why did you do the pvssified thing by taking a girl you are having sex with, and just magically making her into your girlfriend? You don't need to make every girl that you fvck into a girlfriend - that's something only chumps do.

Stop committing yourself to women with red flags.....save commitment for when you are experienced and seasoned, and when you meet the PERFECT woman, THEN you can commit.

Don't be a stupid pvssy, it's as simple as that!

 

[attraxion]

Woah! Those are some good, detailed replies.. thanks a ton!

I realize I've been acting AFC for some time now. I never realized how it came about. At the time when she said "I am in love with someone else" I was totally in the FB mindset, and I acted like that. Somewhere down the line I started with my I Love You's. Stupid of me.

Yes, frame her as a FB when she gets back NEVER offer her exclusivity again! I swear you do not want a LTR with this girl! IF the sex is great - then you can fvck her still as long as you keep your emotions in check (which means you'll have to be fvcking other girls as well.)

Then use her as a FB, and NEVER consider LTR!!!!! NEVER!!!! Do not play with this girls fire.... there's better pvssies out there! everytime i think i've found the best one - another one comes along to make me forget about that one!

The only problem with this is she demands exclusivity from me! She is a very jealous girl, and creates drama (in varying degrees) every time I talk to / meet with other girls.

Once, a girl ended a facebook wall post to me as "love, <her name>". This got her so mad, she was like "I cannot stand this. She is saying love to you on your wall".

So I am going to **** other girls while she's in Romania, but how do I continue it when she comes back? For that I will have to give her the same "emotional exclusivity" kinda ultimatum.

 

[bukowski_merit]

The only problem with this is she demands exclusivity from me! She is a very jealous girl, and creates drama (in varying degrees) every time I talk to / meet with other girls.

Listen. She is trying to have your @ss! You don't see it because you are a man and you're thinking that she knows anything about being democratic or fair. She is confusing you to mess with your brain! Do not ever treat a woman who is trying to mess with your brain like a friend.

You see, when a man wants your @ss - he will point a gun at your head... When a woman wants you @ss she will say, "i am not sure what i want, im so confused". But in both cases - the result is the same unless you can hit them before they hit you.

She demands exclusivity - laugh at her. She crys - hug her. She pushes you away - fvck her.

Once, a girl ended a facebook wall post to me as "love, <her name>". This got her so mad, she was like "I cannot stand this. She is saying love to you on your wall".

And tell me.... how bad did she want to fvck you after this???

So I am going to **** other girls while she's in Romania, but how do I continue it when she comes back? For that I will have to give her the same "emotional exclusivity" kinda ultimatum.

no no no.... you do not ask for any exclusivity! that will put you in a supplicant frame.... and again, you do not want any kind of exclusivity with a woman like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wear a condom with her, and treat her as a good fvck.....

you are allowing your confusion and emotions to cloud your judgment.

she's 101ing you!

1 (pull) = I need you.... 0 (push) = I do not know what i want.... 1 (pull) = I need you.

this is good game by her.... and you're being willingly played.... and each time you talk to her about such things - you just sink deeper into AFCdoom.

 

[attraxion]

Message received, zero distortion..

Thanks a lot, Master DJs! I'm gonna have little to no contact this month, and totally reframe our "relationship" with me being the prize and never giving her any exclusivity.

Better pvssies, here I come! Will keep you guys updated. Thanks again!

 

[attraxion]

Guys, I just have one problem - I cannot stop looking at her email, and these days (sure enough like you guys said) she is sending a lot of love messages to the ex. Moment I see those, my mind goes ****ing haywire and I feel like calling her out and all that stupid ****..

Ideas? Please don't just say "stop looking" because it's hard to get de-addicted.

 

[Rescue Mission]

Guys, I just have one problem - I cannot stop looking at her email, and these days (sure enough like you guys said) she is sending a lot of love messages to the ex. Moment I see those, my mind goes ****ing haywire and I feel like calling her out and all that stupid ****..

Ideas? Please don't just say "stop looking" because it's hard to get de-addicted.

Here's a novel idea:

How about you stop caring about someone who DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

Problem solved.

 

[jophil28]

This thread is a fine example of what happens when a guy gets involved in a triangle,and why men should AVOID ****ing woman who are still involved with their another guy.
The situation can only go in one of two directions after the new guy starts 'feeling it' for her .
IF you ( as the new guy) do not spike her attraction and maintain it to a level that is much higher than her feelings for her ex then you will be endlessly used and dangled by her.
You are her present moment entertainment -he is her investment.
This is a miserable place to be.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Guys, I just have one problem - I cannot stop looking at her email, and these days (sure enough like you guys said) she is sending a lot of love messages to the ex. Moment I see those, my mind goes ****ing haywire and I feel like calling her out and all that stupid ****..

Ideas? Please don't just say "stop looking" because it's hard to get de-addicted.

you can
1. change the password to her email so she can't get in it. (which might be illegal; so im just joking =)
or
2. start sending emails to the guy from "her" until she realizes someone has her pw and changes it herself.
or
3. find another woman who makes you forget about this one.

 

[attraxion]

So guys, there are some updates. Mentally, I am much better, have started spinning a couple other plates. Went to a local meetup party and did 2 #closes, am trying to game them.

This girl is all over the ex boyfriend, sending him love messages day and night, but he is rejecting her, pointing out her faults and all. She is also telling a few close friends on email, "I was deeply in love (still am).."

But she's also trying to keep me hooked, sending me one-liner emails and calling me almost every day since the past 3 days. So far I have not replied to a single mail and not picked up any calls.

Just now she sends me, "I am sad and disappointed because of lack of communication between us; I understand it is hard to have 'profound' conversations but I believed we will at least keep in touch... I called you twice and sent you e-mails...and nothing...no sign. But it's okay, I'll get used to it".

Should I reply? If yes, what should I say? If no, for how long should I keep the NC. The objective is to ensure that she stays as my FB when she comes back in August.

 

[women haze]

Dawg GET OVER HER....For THE LOVE OF GOD.....for your sanity even!!

How hard is it to just look yourself in teh ****ing mirror and say, i am going to focus on something else that doesn't involve women. GET IT DONE AND STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS *****....

I am sorry but we told your ass what to you, and yet you keep pining over her and asking the same what should I do questions. You ignored her..good KEEP ignoring her and have fun in your life for Pete's SAKES!!