Help me with my oneitis. What's wrong with me?

[Buddha_Mind]

Dudes,

I don't know what to do here. I may have a real bad case of oneitis and I need help seeing clearly.

I met a woman 1+ year ago whom I worked with. We were never intimate. Although some offers by her to have beers together I declined. She was in a serious relationship and has since gotten engaged to the guy. I had lunch with her following the engagement and really nothing about him was discussed.

She's always given me the impression she is dissatisfied. She's never really praised the guy once.

I've always felt immense attraction and magnetism to her, but have constantly metered and withheld myself because of her relationship. I just didn't want to cheat with her on her boyfriend/fiance. She is 24 and has been with him since she was 20.

Honestly I could have possibly gotten with her, and it's possible she would have branch swung for me, but in my gut even if she did, I think I would always have trouble trusting her if she cheated on her BF to be with me. Or worse yet if she had cheated and stayed with him.

Eitherway I know I did the right thing by not putting myself between them, not getting involved in a woman I worked with, despite my truly *immense* attraction to her.

I have since moved from the area back to Seattle, however I am packing ship here too, soon. I am trying to sell my half of my web business and get the f*ck away from this computer-centric life. My old job (the one I left to come to Seattle) is open again. I have been encouraged to come back by old co-workers but am not sure I am thinking clearly.

A part of me wants my old job back (despite it being computer-centric, but rather easy). Previously when I worked there, I was juggling my own business (also computer-centric) and was just overloaded by computer-time. If I went back, things could be in more moderation and truly it is a laid back work environment.

Part of me is not satisfied with the low pay (they justify it as they are an environmental non-profit), and not satisfied with the computer-centric role.

Part of me wants this situation back and wants a chance to really make the best of it.

Obviously the beautiful red-head 30 feet from my old desk gets taken into the equation by my subconscious.

Part of me too wonders if I go back if I am also secretly hoping for some future chance with this girl.

I met her boyfriend once and he seemed so dry by comparison to her. This woman is so driven and mentally strong and incredibly beautiful that I can't help but be attracted to her. Coupled by her offering me encouragement, it can be hard to keep myself in check.

Ultimately I know I have likely pedastled her and I really don't know how our chemistry would be beyond whatever my delusions may be of these strong "feelings" that I have.

I just thought surely leaving, being somewhere new would sort of get her out of my head. Thought that some new experiences, new people, etc would help show me some new perspectives and it might relieve my fixation on this woman.

Unfortunately I can't get her out of my head. I think of her quite often, and I can't help but feel regret for not exploring things with her before she got engaged.

Maybe she is making a mistake marrying this guy, is she truly happy and truly satisfied?

Really this is not my place and distanced myself for a reason...but why can't I get her outta my mind?

I only want to go back to my old job if I'm truly stoked about it. Not some AFC hope of going back and getting some girl. It is possible and likely her relationship with this guy may find it's own terminal end. I suppose it's not impossible at that time I would consider seeing her, if I was there at that job and satisfied with my own life.

But again, this could never happen and I have to accept if I did take the job I would have to find a way to "deal" with these emotions and keep them from getting the best of me or revealing too much.

At the end of the day I also know an entirely new option could be the right choice--both in terms of job and location and woman--and to put this behind me.

But I can't help miss where I worked. I can't help miss the opportunity to go back. I also as gay as it sounds miss seeing her beautiful self every day..agh. And the job market and job opportunities are so ****ty I feel like I shot myself in the foot walking away from that job.

At the time however, I didn't want to give up my own business and couldn't reconcile the heavy computer time. I nixed one and now I am suffering.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I in love with her? Am I seeing clearly or am I just lost in my own self-created fog.

Frustrated and confused. One-itis and feeling empty. Bummer.

Anyone have any insight or ideas to help me see more clearly?

She is just one of those women whom I *know* will be an amazing mother and just blows away everything she pursues in life. I find myself trying to let go because I honestly just believe she is a good person and I also didn't want to prey on weakness in their relationship...just sucks.

 

[rhythmic]

Dude, if she's that wonderful then presumably her judgement is wonderful too, therefore her current man, the one she's chosen to be with, is fine. Leave her be.

Go meet other, better women - no matter how much quality this one has, there are always better!

 

[SgtSplacker]

Add her on fbook and carry on with your life dude. It's too easy to fall into the want what you can't have thing. MOVE ON

 

[Die Hard]

Buddha, have you ever experienced this before in your life? I mean, the way you feel about this woman?

If so, how did things turn out at that/those occasions?

 

[st_99]

to have thoughts like these about a girl you havn't even had sex with at a minimum i'd say is pretty lame and juvenile.

i always make sure to reserve sappy oneitis feelings for girls that i'd boned at the very least. (not like thats a good idea either )

 

[VladPatton]

You gotta get it through your head that she's unavailable (unless she is recently single) and that it's not going to happen. It's like wanting to buy the one car that just drove off the lot while there is a sea of others waiting.

 

[isperatus]

Leave her... she's engaged all-right. She feels insecure about the big step in her life and needs to hump a ride of emotional support. Also she could be using you as a wild card to influence her relationship... i don't know sometimes i see women as emotional parasites.
Any plan you make make it for your own benefit don't take her into account. She loves the man she's engaged to even she may say differently.
I am struggling with oneitis myself at my current workplace, we became really close and almost had sex... but she used me to make the other guy jealous.. now she's engaged. And believe me i actually believed she loves me back ! Then i started to judge her by her actions and not by her words, and they were quite opposite.
This is what happens if a man allows emotions to take control.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Most people here advocate that attraction isn't a choice so that's probably what it is.. attraction.

Probably just go with it and find other women that are attracted to you as well.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

This is all solid advice and I genuinely appreciate it.

Exactly. I always look at a girls judgment in choosing men to learn about her true nature. If she chose some boring beta male then she could be an insecure control freak.

Likely truth in that man...some want all of the cards in the deck for themselves

Buddha, have you ever experienced this before in your life? I mean, the way you feel about this woman?

If so, how did things turn out at that/those occasions?

Not good, man. It's a repetitive thing and I can literally think back to girl-after-girl-after-girl who this oneitis basically destroys my attractiveness to her, but ends in self-defeat. Yes, in fact every single one of them turned out bad.

to have thoughts like these about a girl you havn't even had sex with at a minimum i'd say is pretty lame and juvenile.

I agree man and that's why I am posting. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. Intellectually I know what's up, but there is that subconscious sh1t that keeps rearing its head, which makes me wonder why ultimately I still go down this path in my mind...wtf is wrong with me...

I obviously have a long ways to go.

 

[perseverance]

You gotta get it through your head that she's unavailable (unless she is recently single) and that it's not going to happen. It's like wanting to buy the one car that just drove off the lot while there is a sea of others waiting.

I agree and upping sticks to try and get with a woman is also incredibly stupid as well.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I agree and upping sticks to try and get with a woman is also incredibly stupid as well.

By 'upping sticks' do you mean grabbing a branch-swing? Granted at the time when I had been offered to spend time with her, she wasn't engaged, eitherway my gut and my experiences on this forum were large enough sirens to avoid the situation..and honestly I never pulled anything, had any awkward moments exactly or fvcked up anyone's anything...I am in the clear..but the fact this woman has been in my head really fvcks wtih me...maybe she was pulling attraction strings of her own and I'm just baited by it...

I do believe that starting a relationship via cheating is always going to be sh1tty in the long run? Do you guys think so? I've got a buddy who the girl he was seeing was in a bad relationship, and swung to him--I wonder are all of those wings inevitably leading to other swings?

My inner game is still weak. I haven't gotten this sh1t figured out yet. I avoided some past mistakes of action, but mentally, I am still repeating those same past trends (one-itis).

 

[Die Hard]

Not good, man. It's a repetitive thing and I can literally think back to girl-after-girl-after-girl who this oneitis basically destroys my attractiveness to her, but ends in self-defeat. Yes, in fact every single one of them turned out bad.

What about their value? You speak of this redhead at your work as a really great catch with many quality traits. Were those other women also like that and is that why you were falling into oneitis for them, just as you are with the redhead?

Another point of interest: Did your perception of their value change after things ended? Were they really such top quality women as you thought at the time you were dealing with them or did your opinion on that change after things ended?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Interesting thread, buddha.
I had a similar situation with a girl from work. We were both 18, she was in an LTR but I would've done anything for her.
Eventually she got married and had kids. I'd moved a long way away by then but we still kept in touch and had lunch or coffee when we found ourselves in each other's towns.
I managed to think less and less about her as the years went on. We lost touch with each other but then in 2010 I got a job in a town close to hers and we reconnected. Just as friends but for some reason I still entertained thoughts that one day something might happen between us.
Then out of the blue this year, she told me she'd split with her husband. A couple of months later I asked her out and seven months later we're in a serious relationship.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The number of variables that had to fall into place for this relationship to happen really gets me thinking about fate.
I pined for this chick from afar for years and years but I soldiered on, had a few good LTRs and then I found this site.
I was the biggest AFC going around when I first met her, but I feel that everything that has happened over the years - including finding this site and becoming a better man with better game - has led me back to give it a decent go with this woman. I'm no longer an AFC and I really think taking the red pill a few years ago transformed me into a man she suddenly saw as more than the orbiting nice guy she'd met in 1994.

So hang in there. She might not be yours at this time but you never know what hand fate will deal you.
Sorry to get all deep there, but your story really resonated with me.

 

[Alvafe]

By 'upping sticks' do you mean grabbing a branch-swing? Granted at the time when I had been offered to spend time with her, she wasn't engaged, eitherway my gut and my experiences on this forum were large enough sirens to avoid the situation..and honestly I never pulled anything, had any awkward moments exactly or fvcked up anyone's anything...I am in the clear..but the fact this woman has been in my head really fvcks wtih me...maybe she was pulling attraction strings of her own and I'm just baited by it...

I do believe that starting a relationship via cheating is always going to be sh1tty in the long run? Do you guys think so? I've got a buddy who the girl he was seeing was in a bad relationship, and swung to him--I wonder are all of those wings inevitably leading to other swings?

My inner game is still weak. I haven't gotten this sh1t figured out yet. I avoided some past mistakes of action, but mentally, I am still repeating those same past trends (one-itis).

well I guess you like her but also you need to not work there anymore, you say you don't want to work with computers again, but then unless you like manual labors or like any others area it will not be that good, in anycase you even said the work there is easy and not a good pay, better find something else to do then work there again, one thing I kinda notice to help to kill oneitis(since I still work with mine .... ) is ask yourself why you like/liked her, because she will do several stupid sh*t.

also think about that you can't say she is smart because she choose a guy you find dry, the rest is NC, nc is to keep you sane, don't lose time with the past.

 

[JohnChops]

Interesting thread, buddha.
I had a similar situation with a girl from work. We were both 18, she was in an LTR but I would've done anything for her.
Eventually she got married and had kids. I'd moved a long way away by then but we still kept in touch and had lunch or coffee when we found ourselves in each other's towns.
I managed to think less and less about her as the years went on. We lost touch with each other but then in 2010 I got a job in a town close to hers and we reconnected. Just as friends but for some reason I still entertained thoughts that one day something might happen between us.
Then out of the blue this year, she told me she'd split with her husband. A couple of months later I asked her out and seven months later we're in a serious relationship.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The number of variables that had to fall into place for this relationship to happen really gets me thinking about fate.
I pined for this chick from afar for years and years but I soldiered on, had a few good LTRs and then I found this site.
I was the biggest AFC going around when I first met her, but I feel that everything that has happened over the years - including finding this site and becoming a better man with better game - has led me back to give it a decent go with this woman. I'm no longer an AFC and I really think taking the red pill a few years ago transformed me into a man she suddenly saw as more than the orbiting nice guy she'd met in 1994.

So hang in there. She might not be yours at this time but you never know what hand fate will deal you.
Sorry to get all deep there, but your story really resonated with me.

I have to agree with you Greasy. I started to believe in fate just a bit myself. There comes a point where you think its coincidence and then your thinking to yourself... why does this keep happening like a pattern. I know we preach here that a girl you go ghost on who tried to contact you over and over just wants an "ego boost" but what happens when she contacts you and you give her no ego boost and then she keeps coming back? See there in lyes the difference.

Anyway, I think that you should go on with your life buddah. As Greasy said "She might not be yours at this time but you never know what hand fate will deal you" +1 for that line .

 

[perseverance]

By 'upping sticks' do you mean grabbing a branch-swing?

Nope! I am talking moving from one area back to another just for the sake of a girl or largely due to a girl.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Nope! I am talking moving from one area back to another just for the sake of a girl or largely due to a girl.

This is truth, and I was aware of those thoughts passing through my mind when rationalizing my decisions, and I knew I was in trouble. That should never be the primary motive for such a life decision and how couldn't it end in failure?

What about their value? You speak of this redhead at your work as a really great catch with many quality traits. Were those other women also like that and is that why you were falling into oneitis for them, just as you are with the redhead?

Another point of interest: Did your perception of their value change after things ended? Were they really such top quality women as you thought at the time you were dealing with them or did your opinion on that change after things ended?

These are good questions. They got me thinking. I'd say some common attributes for one-itis in the past and the red-head are girls whom I see as (a) supportive individuals [aka encouraging, not degrading] (b) physical attractiveness that I am strongly allured too--slender and fit, moderate sized chest and most have been shorter than myself (c) they all have dug my creative side (music, drawing, writing) (d) they all had certain creative sides themselves (e) they seemed to enjoy my intellectual curiosity ...

Those are some of the reasons I guess I've fallen for one-itis in the past. It's always been these women whom I viewed as encouraging wife-material...someday I would like to be with a woman who thinks highly of me...but I know that (a) dude I have so much experience + work to do that I shouldn't be thinking about 'wife-material'--that is an emotional delusion the reality of my finances and living logistics cannot currently support and (b) yes I aggrandize them in my perception of them.

Usually this has ended in the past in me revealing my emotions for the girl and them of course being turned off, or doing something at some point that just lets my emotions get the best of me. Basically go from an independent sort of mind set to becoming too hinged on this persons' acceptance or rejection, which ultimately leaves me feeling powerless and like a failure.

Often of course after rejection I say "well fvck them" or something and of course they fade away...or after rejection, they appear 'evil'.

Interesting thread, buddha.
I had a similar situation with a girl from work. We were both 18, she was in an LTR but I would've done anything for her.
Eventually she got married and had kids. I'd moved a long way away by then but we still kept in touch and had lunch or coffee when we found ourselves in each other's towns.
I managed to think less and less about her as the years went on. We lost touch with each other but then in 2010 I got a job in a town close to hers and we reconnected. Just as friends but for some reason I still entertained thoughts that one day something might happen between us.
Then out of the blue this year, she told me she'd split with her husband. A couple of months later I asked her out and seven months later we're in a serious relationship.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. The number of variables that had to fall into place for this relationship to happen really gets me thinking about fate.
I pined for this chick from afar for years and years but I soldiered on, had a few good LTRs and then I found this site.
I was the biggest AFC going around when I first met her, but I feel that everything that has happened over the years - including finding this site and becoming a better man with better game - has led me back to give it a decent go with this woman. I'm no longer an AFC and I really think taking the red pill a few years ago transformed me into a man she suddenly saw as more than the orbiting nice guy she'd met in 1994.

So hang in there. She might not be yours at this time but you never know what hand fate will deal you.
Sorry to get all deep there, but your story really resonated with me.

Right on man, this is an interesting story and glad to hear something positive worked out for you here. I guess you never know in life whom you'll meet exactly or how. I am trying these days not to burn bridges, so I am not going to do anything to burn a bridge with this woman. I need to get out and experience other women and places still. If life brings me back than so be it. But to hinge on that is delusional and my mind has just been in a sh1t place in terms of having self-control over these false one-itis fantasies.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Thanks for the responses here men. I was in a rough mental spot a few days ago and just some common-sense being slapped into me here really helps.

 

[rascal99v]

sometimes having one good girl is better than having many who end up hurting you.

 

[Packers2010]

i came in this thread to see a noob with less then 10 post complaining about his oneitis girl.

dude has nearly 1k post! dude you KNOW what to do here.

GET MORE GIRLS!

it's that simple man. this chick is out of your reach. TRUST ME! do what you want to do with the job and everything, but you need a stable of girls. sure this girl LOOKS like she has everything. but she doesn't girls are girls man.

you told me she would have cheated with you. how can you trust her then?

GUYS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T GIVE THIS POOR MAN FALSE HOPE! THERE IS O SUCH THING AS FATE! if there was i would be in a LTR with my oneitis girl. iwould never have moved to wales for 7 months. i would have a house with a white picket fence 2 dogs and 3 kids.

sounds nice? hardly! don't tell this guy something he can't live up too! grease pig. your the story of the 2 7 off suit in poker. it wins like 1% of the time. but when it dose people talk about it for months on end.

no one remembered the big pots they one. but they can always remember the big pots they lost. and it's true.

i think you need to step back OP and look at the big picture. it's all on a maybe. and we don't deal on maybes maybes do we?