Help me understand this

[asminderia]

I've recently met a girl that I like, I know, openings like this sux since you guys must have seen it a lot. XD Anyways, I studied PUA techniques a little before I met her so I think I was doing some of the things.

We've been going out every weekend for 5 weeks now, also I call her almost every day, I know, this isn't a good thing but I couldn't control myself.

I thought everything went pretty well, we were having fun together, we talked a lot about our likes and dislikes and got to know each other really well.

Then all of a sudden, she stopped taking my calls or reply to text for 2 days. Then eventually she contacted me last night and told me that she's been thinking that she's being too nice to me and making me feel as if the time we went out together were dates but she just felt that being with me was relaxing and simple because there is no games involved. She said she wants to stop going out with me because she knows what I want yet she cannot give me what I want.

I asked why then she said the feeling just isn't there. She could treat me as a good male friend who she can talk to and so on but does not see me as a romantic friend.

This is very confusing to me because when we were out I did make sure to avoid getting into the LJBF zone. I kept on flirting with her, making my intentions clear so that she does not see me as a male friend. Yet I have no idea how I end up in this **** hole.

One of the news letter articles I received here says it is possible to turn friendship into romantic relationship but it is damn hard. It listed a few of the things to do using Response Facilitation. However, this is against what I learned elsewhere, which is to cut off all contact for a few months then when I show up again, I would be like a total stranger thus can start anew.

 

[TomSwift]

Did you kiss her? Try to?

Did you have sex? Try to?

 

[asminderia]

She's of Asian background and very traditional. So the answer to the questions are No.

I want to know what mistakes I made then I would like to know how to turn it around. I've read a few articles about it but am still open to your comments.

 

[pumpit21]

If a girl says she thinks of you as a friend thats definatly bad. Im thinking you didnt flirt as well as you think and you didnt do enough physical contact. The solution you read from the newsletter about no contact and coming back wouldnt necessarily work because youve only been talking for couple weeks at most. That is more of a solution if youve been dating longer.
If i were you I would see if you can arrange an outing this weekend. If you dont think she would say yes to go out again DO NOT ASK HER OUT. Instead, see if you can find out where she'll be like at a bar. When you see her gradually flirt harder and harder. Eye contact, touching, etc. At some point you need to go for the kiss. You need to LEAD her to physical escalation. Dont just think that you guys go on a few dates she will make the moves. Watch the movie, "my best friends girl" and try to be more like Dane Cook's character.

 

[asminderia]

Maybe you are right that I did not flirt hard enough or well enough.

We had a dinner planed this weekend but I do not know if this will still happen after last night's talk.

What she told me was that she would still go out with me, as a friend, if and only if she knows for sure that I do not see her as a potential romantic partner. She said she has a lot of male friends and I am thinking maybe they all ended up as male friends the same way I did?

Basically what she said was that she doesn't feel the attraction. She said she was crazy for one guy 2 years ago and did a lot of unbelievable things. That guy and her never got together even when they were both single. That guy still lives in the same city as her and sometimes she thinks about that guy maybe will come to her, though she also admitted that the chances for that to happen is next to zero.

She said she wants me as a friend because she doesn't feel the attraction because she doesn't feel the kind of crazy attraction as she did feel for the other guy.

 

[pumpit21]

The most important thing about your situation, more than anything else is you need to learn what you did wrong. She initially had attraction, which is why she went out with you those first couple times. What you did wrong that you NEED to learn is when going out with these girls you need to make it known you are not there to be her friend..you are interested in her romantically....you will be the man. The way you do things isnt by saying it to her, its by your non verbal actions when with her. LEAD her PHYSICALLY. Sprinkle in some ****y funny, sprinkle in your fun/ funny personality at the sametime being physical.
In the begining of my game years ago I was always shy to go in for the kiss. I was good at the flirting and keeping my intentions known, but very shy to go and lead the kiss. I decided I was going to turn it around to take pressure off me. SO when the time came where we needed to kiss, I would look her in the eyes and say, "you want to kiss me now dont you." corny, but i had a response for both answers she would give. if she says yes, I kiss. If she says no or not now, then i say "oh, i wasnt going to kiss you, you just looked like you were going to jump on me."
Back to this situation, its hard to say if you have a chance still. Shes clearly put you in the friendzone. She clearly wants the ******* type of guy, thats what she seems attracted to. She needs to see you out with other girls having fun. IF you do go out with her this weekend I wouldnt do dinner. Do something fun that involves drinking, like a bar. Hopefully you have other girls that you know at the bar and she can catch you flirting with those other girls.

 

[squirrels]

-Desperate for attention? Check.
-Afraid to express his sexuality? Check.
-Chasing Asian girls? Check.
-Uses the emoticon "XD"? Check.

I'm reading this thread and I'm picturing you as the kind of guy who has a hard drive full of cartoons of big-eyed girls in schoolgirl outfits getting raped by tentacle monsters.

How many friends do you have? Like not girlfriends, but good close guy-friends, people you can talk about anything with, who will bust your balls when you deserve a ball-busting, who encourage you to step outside your comfort zone?

 

[asminderia]

pumpit21:
Thanks for the suggestions. In this case, I might as well tell her that I am not going out for the dinner with her this weekend and will use that reserved table to dine with a female friend of mine. I am not really sure where this will lead to but I certainly do agree with what you said. I did some of those things but not all of those things.

squirrels:
Unfortunately you are incorrect in here. I do not watch cartoons porns. I do have 2 guy friends that I can talk to, really close guy friends. We essentially have no secrets between the 3 of us. I already know what they will say.

I guess I am trying to justify my actions here, which you probably have heard a lot. I did study PUA arts and went out a lot for the last year and half. I did meet a lot of girls but not the girls that I like. I am not just looking for 8 or 9s and have sex with them. Sex isn't what I am trying to get and that's why I am so picky which led to this one girl that I do want to get but it seemed that I did not apply my techniques too well.

 

[Iceberg]

pumpit21:
Thanks for the suggestions. In this case, I might as well tell her that I am not going out for the dinner with her this weekend and will use that reserved table to dine with a female friend of mine. I am not really sure where this will lead to but I certainly do agree with what you said. I did some of those things but not all of those things.

That's WAY too obvious. It'll just make you sound weak and hurt. Just tell her you can't make dinner that night. Don't tell her why. If she asks why, just tell her that something came up. Saying, "I'm taking another girl!!" just sounds way too dramatic. Besides, she knows it's not true.

I guess I am trying to justify my actions here, which you probably have heard a lot. I did study PUA arts and went out a lot for the last year and half. I did meet a lot of girls but not the girls that I like. I am not just looking for 8 or 9s and have sex with them. Sex isn't what I am trying to get and that's why I am so picky which led to this one girl that I do want to get but it seemed that I did not apply my techniques too well.

I hate when people say that because
1. It's bullsh-t
2. It's illogical

You're not "so picky". You simply cant get women. Guys try to justify their lack of success with women by saying that it's because of their "pickyness". That's like a homeless man saying that he's unemployed and starving because he's "waiting for the right job to come along".

Sex IS what you're trying to get. How can you evaluate whether or not a girl is worthy of being in a relationship with if you're not having sex with her? You can have all the good conversations you want, but it's impossible to evaluate a woman's quality as a girlfriend without first having a sexual relationship. Because people CHANGE when a relationship becomes sexual. Maybe she becomes clingy. Maybe she becomes bitc*y. Maybe she's neither, and she's just cool as hell. It's impossible to tell before you cross the line of sexuality.

So all that, "I want to get to know her first." "I'm not looking for sex" stuff isn't realistic. Because you can't truly know her until you've had sex. And it doesn't matter if it happened after the first night, or after three months of "romancing" her.

So maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but when you say "Sex isn't what I'm trying to get" it sounds like you're trying to say that first you want to establish a relationship. And then have it become sexual. But what I'm saying is without sex, you have no way of evaluating how she'd be in a relationship.

 

[asminderia]

Iceberg:
You actually did not misunderstand me. I always had the idea that you establish a relationship first then make it sexual.

Now that I understood my mistakes but I also want to know how to turn the table around. Yes, time can change everything. Maybe a few weeks down the road I will not feel as if she is all that important, but maybe few months down the road I will still feel the same.

I understand the risks of turning a friend into a romantic friend as well as the difficulties associated with such act. But for me, I cannot stand to be friend of a girl that I liked. So I want to try it, and if I end up not even becoming a friend of hers, then so be it.

I would like to hear more suggestions on that.

 

[Iceberg]

Iceberg:
You actually did not misunderstand me. I always had the idea that you establish a relationship first then make it sexual.

Now that I understood my mistakes but I also want to know how to turn the table around. Yes, time can change everything. Maybe a few weeks down the road I will not feel as if she is all that important, but maybe few months down the road I will still feel the same.

The same path to turning things around with this girl is the same path to moving on...You have to forget about her and pursue other women.

Maybe she'll realize that she misses the attention you gave her, and she'll say "Hey, Why did he mysteriously disappear? Is he talking to other women? If other women like him, maybe I should too! I don't want to lose a good thing!"

But that's not important. What is important is that you MOVE ON. If she comes back, good for you. If she doesn't, then at least you're on the path to finding a girl worthy of your time.

I understand the risks of turning a friend into a romantic friend as well as the difficulties associated with such act. But for me, I cannot stand to be friend of a girl that I liked. So I want to try it, and if I end up not even becoming a friend of hers, then so be it.

I would like to hear more suggestions on that.

And this is why you should walk away. You have a case of what we call "one-itis". That means that you're addicted to ONE girl and you think she's the one for you, and no other girls will do. And what I want you to realize is, this girl has done nothing to EARN this status. All she did was show up and look pretty. She didn't give you sex. She didn't give you romance. She didn't support you through some tough times. She just showed up and looked pretty. Now she's the best thing ever and you "can't stand" not to have her.

I've said too much. But ultimately, my advice is to walk away. If that increases her interest, then good for you. If it doesn't, at least you left on your own terms. It's foolish to think that you can force a change in her attraction level. You have to back away.

 

[asminderia]

Your advice is great as with many other people's advices. I have some question about the "one-itis".

Over the years, I have met a lot of pretty girls that I simply said "oh she's pretty" then that's it. I have only met 3 girls that I felt attracted to the rest of the pretty girls were just pretty but no attraction.

This girl is not pretty yet the moment I saw her, I felt the attraction. Now, if I am to walk away and try to find other girls, I have to have some girl that I feel attracted to or else I am afraid that I will be thinking about this one too hard.

PUA training suggested to go out have fun and pick up on girls. But how do I do it if I do not feel the motivation? I do not feel the desire to use what I have learned on girls that I do not feel the attraction.

I want to have this part of me fixed too, I know about "one-itis" because I have read about it in other PUA related material. The first few months I went out to bars and clubs to practice, I got some results and a lot of rejections. But the results did not motivate me. I simply felt "what's the point?". I want to fix this but I think this is more of a mental problem than anything else. Not sure if what you or other people say here can clear up the image for me and eventually, maybe I can fix it so I can feel attracted to a lot more girls and not having more "one-itis".

 

[asminderia]

Another question is, when I walk away, do I cut off completely? I do not want to cut off from someone who I invested a lot of energy, time and emotion into and become total strangers. But at the same time, I also do not know if I can adjust myself and just be her friends like everybody else is.

 

[Iceberg]

Another question is, when I walk away, do I cut off completely? I do not want to cut off from someone who I invested a lot of energy, time and emotion into and become total strangers. But at the same time, I also do not know if I can adjust myself and just be her friends like everybody else is.

You sound like a smart guy, so I'm going to speak to you like one. You are being completely illogical.

The time you've invested in this girl has yielded you NONE of your desired results. You intended on dating her. What you got was a buddy. A pal. A friend. So what are you afraid of letting go of?

Besides, you can't have it both ways. You can't come on here asking for advice on this girl, receive that advice, and then talking about how you're not willing to listen because you're afraid of blah blah blah.

You want to get this girl and/or move onto worthy women? Be prepared to walk away. Your problem is that you're not willing to sacrifice. You're like a fat person who talks about wanting to lose weight, but without the sacrifice of diet or exercise. You want this girl. You want to be better with women. But you don't want to do anything that causes you the slightest bit of discomfort.

A girl is NOT an investment. And sorry, I'm not buying your "I'm only attracted to a small amount of girls" excuse. You're attracted to the women who show attention to you. That's what I believe. Which is why it's so hard for you to walk away. You've "invested time" in her, she spent time with you, and that's the only thing that separates her from any other cute girl who walks past you in the street. That she responded well to the attention you gave her. So now you can't let her go.

I'm sorry. I'm a man too. This "I have complicated tastes" thing isn't going to fool me. We're all the same damn animal. Move on and improve your situation. Or continue on the path you've taken. You can't have it both ways.