Help me not screw up.. my first BPD ex.

[jay07]

Ill try to keep my story short. Out of all the forums, i find this one the best, so i think im going to post here from now on. Here goes.

For starters, i had no idea what BPD was going into this relationship. Im 23, never been in love, dated many girls but usually nexted them or told them straight up i wasnt looking for a relationship. I found most girls boring. Until i met this one. Right from the get go she idolized me. She was hott as hell, wanted sex all the time, and let me do whatever i wanted in the bedroom.

Right before we start dating, i get a random message from one of her old "friends", warning me. Warning me that she screwed over at least 7 guys alone that he knows, so be careful. Well guess what i thought, your just jealous because im the winner and you want her back. Haha how stupid of me. How friggin stupid of me.

A few months into the relationship and im starting to get jealous myself. Ive never been jealous type really, i mean i have but i hid it so i seemed secure. Well, i finally had enough. She had like 2 girlfriends that she talked to, and about 10 guy friends in her social circle. I met them all so i wasnt too worried at the time, until i realize 2 of these guys she had relations with. Then, i start finding out shes always hanging out with them when im not with her.. alone..

Red flag right? Well she somehow convinces me otherwise. "There like brothers to me" Blaa blaa. Find out she cheated on both of these dudes before me, and we end up breaking up because after she LIED to me about her sleeping arrangements on this trip she went on, she ends up screwing him an hour later. He confesses this to me, she on the other hand, still denies it to this day.

Go NC, she eventually finds me. Pleads to me how im the best ever. I stupidly take her back. Then she tells me she has a "best friend" from florida coming up. I tell her if hes stayin at her house im gone again. "Nothing will happen i promise". I mean, i was a sucker, but not this time. I bail once again. Of course. To no avail however, because she CONVINCES ME AGAIN! Why am i so stupid? Im not sure. But anyhow, after that it was merely patterns of good one week, then for no reason she would just stop trying. This happend about 4 times over a month. She would always bail once we got good again.

Well two weekends ago we spend the entire weekend together. It was picture perfect, how i always wanted it. Then, out of nowhere... she NC me. Just like that, just after the most perfect weekend we ever had. Wouldnt return my calls or texts. So i send her one last text "hey, so happy you can treat someone who did so much for you with such little respect. Hope your happy. Goodbye".

In case your wondering if these may not be enough BPD traits, ill list some more.

-Over 30 sexual partners when i met her (18)
-Lieing, extreme jealousy, always hiding her phone
-Always, always ALWAYS running back to her ex's when we fought. Even the poor guy who she cheated on me with who was caught in her nest before me.
- Dad left her when she was 3
-Successfully ruined all the friendships she had since i known her. Always told me it was them, not her. I believed it. PFT.
-"abusive ex boyfriend", probably a lie.
-Always flirting with other guys in front of me. One time at one of these other guys house, i was in the bathroom, but i kept the door open. I hear her on him saying "you touch me in the right spot". I come out take her upstairs and flip the hell out. And she convinces me that she never said that and that IM THE CRAZY ONE. I thought i was going insane, and believed i didnt hear it. WTF?
-Always telling me her mom would leave her to watch the kids so shes soo mature, how she doesnt want to be like her mom. Then goes out drinking with her the same night?

Now, before the "awesome" weekend, she found out i went on a date with this girl. After that, she was begging me to come over. I did, dropped the girl, and went back to my ex. I think she got off to making me not talk to this other girl, than realized after she could have me whenever she wanted, she got bored.

I know shes also praying on her neighbor. About a guy my age, just broke up with his gf so hes vulnerable right now. He walked in wasted one night when me and her were alone. Red flag again. I think her mind is occupied with him so i can successfully recover a little.

Heres my problem. Im still effing in love with this monster. I still can not fathom the fact this "awesome" girl i knew, was secretely manipulating me the whole relationship. Every word she said, the excitement in her eyes when i showed up in her presence, all the things she bought me, god man.

After all this hurt, and all the bullcrap i put up with, i for the life of me do not know why i didnt run when she first cheated on me. I mean, i guess i kind of overlooked it because i didnt want it to be true. I loved what she gave me.

Its been 6 days NC. She initiated. A sick part of me wants her to contact me so i can ignore her and feel some type of power, although i know she probably wont even care. I want to take her to a room, and just bang her brains out one more time and then just get up and leave. Effing slut.

How long did it take any of you to recover from this. I still think about her every 10 minutes. Ive been on these forums all weekend. They have showed me i wasnt crazy, and all the signs were right there. At least ill never fall for this crap again.

 

[QuadDeuces]

Recovery will take longer than any normal relationship, because there won't be any closure, no mutual understanding, no respect.
This will hurt you tremendous, plus the fact that she will (dependant on her looks) jump within hours or days on the next cawk saying the same idolizing words to him as she said to you. And no matter how good, nice or funny you were, she will paint you blacker than Hitler, share all your intimate details, and even make up lies about you. This will feel like hell, she has forgotten about you in an instant while you are left behind confused and bewildered unable to comprehend what the hell just happened.

Hitting the gym hard will help you recover, and just accepting that you are hurt.
NEVER keep her on facebook, she wants to "friendzone" you to torture you, block her, don't giver her any info about your life, (aka ammo).

And when she calls/texts she asks how you are doing, this is manipulation it's called hoovering just don't answer.
It seems sweet to get another good fvck, but this is only te rehook you again, after you're hooked she'll put you on the shelf again, and your healing starts at day one.
Never try to make them feel guilty, they will threaten suicide, tell an orbiter or the police that you have raped her, or the come up with some other horrible thing to get even.
You wouldn't be the first one to find an orbiter at your door with a baseball bat.

BPD is a monster, certain people compare cluster B with Demonic possession. they are succubus from hell, stay away man!

 

[ben489]

This situation sounds pretty much identical to what I have just been through, same age (23 and 18) with exactly the same behaviors and characteristics.

The first thing to say is things do get better, you will learn from this and you will become a stronger person because of it. The second thing is to take steps to remove this person from your life for the foreseeable future, delete/block her number, Facebook, twitter etc. even pictures you may have. Unfortunately I had to work with mine for a couple of weeks after the split/nc so this was tough but these things help.

The power thing you mentioned is your ego, you want to feel she still likes you/wants you/needs you but it really doesn't matter. Start reading up on inner game and restoring your confidence naturally, you will come out of this better.

I would start reading up on plate spinning, a great way to help get over this situation is to have options and protect yourself for a while: http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/plate-theory-2/

Also pick up activities (mine were the gym and boxing) and make sure you're getting out and seeing your friends.

To help you understand the situation and learn general lessons from it I would recommend reading "48 laws of power" if you haven't already, a good book that you will recognize many points from.

Timescales wise for me it has taken 6-8 weeks to get to a point where I'm starting to feel like the old me again. I've been with a few girls in that time but I've realized it is time to stop feeding my ego and work on becoming truly confident in myself in order to avoid this ever happening again.

Hope this helps, feel free to PM me

 

[jay07]

Thanks all for the responses. It just makes me so angry that everything i thought she felt she didnt even feel. And she is 20 now, i met her when she was 18. Rumor is she has guys coming in and out of her house every day so hopefully she gets an STD.

I've been played before, but this is a whole new level. I will take all your advice. She has a history of waiting a month before contacting the guy she screwed over (pattern with her), hopefully i can detach by then and when that time comes it wont affect me anymore. The only sense of letting go i can get it is knowing she will never be happy even though shes pretending to be.

I find myself playing through my head all the times there were signs i should have left her, and instead i looked the other way. Haha wtf. Oh well, maybe one day an ounce of sanity will hit her when shes lieing in bed alone, and maybe a show will come on we used to watch and she'll remember me. And she'll cry. And ill be long gone. HA

 

[jay07]

Recovery will take longer than any normal relationship, because there won't be any closure, no mutual understanding, no respect.
This will hurt you tremendous, plus the fact that she will (dependant on her looks) jump within hours or days on the next cawk saying the same idolizing words to him as she said to you. And no matter how good, nice or funny you were, she will paint you blacker than Hitler, share all your intimate details, and even make up lies about you. This will feel like hell, she has forgotten about you in an instant while you are left behind confused and bewildered unable to comprehend what the hell just happened.

Hitting the gym hard will help you recover, and just accepting that you are hurt.
NEVER keep her on facebook, she wants to "friendzone" you to torture you, block her, don't giver her any info about your life, (aka ammo).

And when she calls/texts she asks how you are doing, this is manipulation it's called hoovering just don't answer.
It seems sweet to get another good fvck, but this is only te rehook you again, after you're hooked she'll put you on the shelf again, and your healing starts at day one.
Never try to make them feel guilty, they will threaten suicide, tell an orbiter or the police that you have raped her, or the come up with some other horrible thing to get even.
You wouldn't be the first one to find an orbiter at your door with a baseball bat.

BPD is a monster, certain people compare cluster B with Demonic possession. they are succubus from hell, stay away man!

Your first sentence sums it up. Last text message i sent to her was something about telling me if she just didnt want to see me its cool just let me know. She sends nothing back. No closure, no respect. So dumb. So glad i didnt send anymore texts or calls to her trying to find it. I guess my only option is to complete NC. Last time i did this though she found me. I dont want to be mean if she finds me i dont want her telling everyone how i "abused" her like she told me about her last bf.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

JAY, read this:

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/borderline-personality-disorder/

 

[pdx1138]

When women refer to ex's as "brothers"

Her: He's like a brother to me.
You: You fvked your brother?

ha ha, I should have used that on my BPD.

She called him "Bro" all the time and fvcked him a few times.

I was "involved" with one for 1.5 years then finally pulled my
head out of my arse and ended it. She pulled the same $hit you mentioned.

It took a year to get completely over it.

 

[jay07]

Yea im more p-off than sad at this point. Wasted a year and a half of my life. And its disgusting thinking i stuck my d in a *** dumpster.

Wish id stop thinking about it. These message boards are the only reason i kept my sanity knowing other people went through this bullcrap. I'd love to believe theres a little sanity in her. That one day maybe a sense of normal psyche will envelop her pea sized brain, and she'll think of everything i did for her, and just sit there and sob for hours on end. Its not even healthy for me to be thinking like this.

Hope 6 months down the line when shes lonely, she hits me up for sex. Gonna tell me how much she loves me, how im her babe. Then im gonna eff her, put my clothes on and be like thanks. Nice knowin ya'. Then call her by the wrong name.

 

[Scars]

I think it took me about 8 months or so before I finally felt like I was completely over my BPD ex. You'll go through sprouts of depression in the beginning, then anger, then you'll feel like you're over it, but sometimes memories occur randomly or something triggers it. Eventually, these feelings start to become less and less. The key is to remain NC, and I mean forever. You may as well start getting into the mindset that she's dead and you're never going to see her again. Lucky for me, my ex went and moved several states away, however I didn't found this out until 5 months or so later. My NC, not talking sh!t about her to any friends, or any bringing her up, and the fact that she was miles away so I NEVER ran into it made me extremely lucky. She will still try and call and text me, but they immediately get ignored and deleted. I can usually expect a call or text from her every month or so but I never give in. Nowadays it's just another chapter in my life. I'm over it, I understand she's crazy, and I have gotten used to the fact that she's always going to try and "check up on me" probably for the rest of my life.

Hope 6 months down the line when shes lonely, she hits me up for sex. Gonna tell me how much she loves me, how im her babe. Then im gonna eff her, put my clothes on and be like thanks. Nice knowin ya'. Then call her by the wrong name.

I don't recommend this. Back before our huge blow-out that sealed the deal for good, this was how I handled things as well.

I thought I had enough control and could just use her for sex. By then, I already knew she was crazy, and I already knew she was BPD. I thought I could just use her for sex, and I did.

But one of several things happened.

1.) I either fell back in "love" with her again
2.) I started noticing drama in my life once again, as a result of her
3.) It was almost impossible to game other b!tches. She was either telling people we were dating again, or everyone thinks you're an idiot for going back to her.
4.) She'll start fvcking your friends.

It's kind of like a big sick joke after awhile, and everyone is laughing except you. The sex is not worth it.

NC, forever.

-Scars

 

[pdx1138]

Scars thats exactly what happened in my situation.

Worst roller-coaster ride I've ever been on.

NOT healthy at all, very embarrassing. (when we were around my family/friends)

Mine still checks up on me as well every other month.

 

[jay07]

Yea Scars your right. I know i need to NC. Still want her to contact me in a sick way. I will def. not initiate anything. Everytime i get a text i open my phone expecting it to be her. And i realize i gotta stop thinking like that. Its just hard.

I just got this feeling she is going to try soon...She goes through periods of wanting to be intimate with someone and staying in, than wanting to just go out drinking and partying. When she gets out of party phase i need to be on my defenses.

Unfortunately for me, i met alot of cool people through her who i still hang out with. They all abandoned her cause she effectively screwed them all over at one point. So when i go to their house to hang out, she lives like 4 houses down.

Side note, i think her mom may have this too. Shes ruined all her relationships, except this one poor dude who keeps running back to her as well. Now that i think about it, her mom may have been the reason the dad walked out on her.

She works as a bartender at this bar. Should i try and have sex with her mom? I think id get some satisfaction out of it. She made passes at me before. I could buy her some shots, get her tipsy. Be like "hey your daughter was an awesome girl but it just didnt work out, im looking for a more mature women in my life right now." What do yall think

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Bang her Mom. So cool. BPDs are insanely good in the bedroom.

Edit - My follow up post didnt get entered. It read -

Ok Ok I was just joking, sheesh "

 

[Scars]

She works as a bartender at this bar. Should i try and have sex with her mom? I think id get some satisfaction out of it. She made passes at me before. I could buy her some shots, get her tipsy. Be like "hey your daughter was an awesome girl but it just didnt work out, im looking for a more mature women in my life right now." What do yall think

This just leads me to believe you are not over her, and probably wont be for a long time. Being over someone doesn't include trying to fvck their mom and get revenge. You need to completely eliminate this from your mindset. Don't try to fvck her mom, don't try to fvck her friends, just go NC and forget about her. Don't spend countless nights thinking of ways to get revenge or destroy her life. This is the kind of behavior that made her crazy right? What makes you any better? This girl just had an extreme effect on your psyche, it's time for you to become yourself again. Distance yourself from her at all costs. Hang out with friends who are supportive, play video games, watch a movie, do ANYTHING BUT think about her, talk, or hang out with her. This includes revenge plots.

-Scars

 

[teakroy]

₪₪₪₪₪₪

Your first sentence sums it up. Last text message i sent to her was something about telling me if she just didnt want to see me its cool just let me know. She sends nothing back. No closure, no respect. So dumb. So glad i didnt send anymore texts or calls to her trying to find it. I guess my only option is to complete NC. Last time i did this though she found me. I dont want to be mean if she finds me i dont want her telling everyone how i "abused" her like she told me about her last bf.

I would dissapear on her forever and forget all about her no matter how bad it hurts.

She tricked you she fool you . I guess the only thing that keep you close to her is the word Love.

Now change that word in the word Delete.

If is her fault let her chase you if you really want something from her. But sounds like a girl with brain full of empty ash.

I would sugest to find someone worthy of you.

She already have you so the best way is to show her that you are in change with everything.

Anyway no friend zone dont accept !This is when she want closure.
Dont give her that sadisfaction.

And like a revenge you could Kiss her mother in front of her . Show to that nasty ***** how things are done .If her leave you with a nasty experience is time to blew her mind and show her you are not joking around when someone disrespect you in this way.:box: :box: :box:

 

[jay07]

Knowing how easy these girls are im going to recover from this incident, then try to find these girls in the bar. Have a one night stand then pull a Houdini.

 

[QuadDeuces]

What Scars says about a depression phase (which can take a long time) and an anger phase is true.

Whats helping for me is getting in the anger phase.
I spoke to her 2 days ago and she believes her blatant lies and distortion, when I tried reasoning she ignored me like a child. Im currently raging of anger and if she stood in front of me I'd kill her.
But anger is such a more manageble emotion than hopeless depression. Anger gets stuff done. So get in the anger phase asap!

 

[jay07]

What Scars says about a depression phase (which can take a long time) and an anger phase is true.

Whats helping for me is getting in the anger phase.
I spoke to her 2 days ago and she believes her blatant lies and distortion, when I tried reasoning she ignored me like a child. Im currently raging of anger and if she stood in front of me I'd kill her.
But anger is such a more manageble emotion than hopeless depression. Anger gets stuff done. So get in the anger phase asap!

I dont even know how you can try to reason. Im so angry that i would probably blow up on her if she even tried talking to me. Everyday i think of more and more crap i should have looked into or took as a red flag, and just ignored, and it makes me so angry.

One time she downloaded a fake text app on her phone, and "sent" a bunch of texts on our conversation to make it look like she asked me to go to some concert and that i ignored her. Confronts me in front of everyone saying "next time respond".. I was convinced i was freakin crazy.

Its funny because all of her friends loved me, and now im friends with all of them. I guess a good thing i got out of this was, i met some really awesome people who were normal, and i will never ever fall for a girl like that again. They all used to make fun of her, and shed just sit there in her head. She couldnt tolerate insults i could tell.

 

[jay07]

www.gettinbetter.com


AND

http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

Read the BPD articles in the second link. GREAT healing stuff will help you understand and heal.

Thanks for those, i found the anatomy of a BPD especially helpful. She has about 90-95%% of the those traits on the bottom. Dont know what that means.

 

[ieatgravity]

The original post hits close to home. I would never wish a bpd on anyone however it does comfort me to some degree there are others like me. Nearly everything that happened to him mirrored my life with my recent bpd ex.

All the bpd signs were there but were ignored, exactly a week ago I went to my ex bpd apartment after I got of work, picked up some food to surprise her. Get there and she has some other dude there and wouldn't let me in the apartment. The following day she told me fell in love with him and that she could actually see herself spending the rest of her life with him. So I tried NC. That night she starts calling and texting me pleading for me to stay with her (according to her she realized what she had done and she CHOSE to be with me). On the contrary I discovered the guy she was sleeping with had a girlfriend already and chose to stay with her leaving my ex bpd all alone. Leaving her to beg and plead for me to stay with her.

The best way I can visually demonstrate this is with this analogy:
She is trying to cross the river (life), I am just one of the rocks she stands on to keep her from getting wet. As she proceeds further across the river she grows tired of being in that one rock so she decides to go to the next rock. She is constantly stepping one foot on the neighboring rocks to make sure it is sturdy enough to leave the first rock (me). Thinking she finally found another secure rock to stand on she makes the leap to the new rock. (in this case she miscalculated and the rock wasn't as sturdy as she thought) and she falls into the fast flowing river she had been so desperately trying to avoid.

Now that I refused to stay with her she has conjured up a smear campaign on my behalf.

She has been telling her friends, family, coworkers that I was a abusive (apparently while we were together as well). I started the NC and the next day I had a police officer at my door claiming I had raped her. I explained the situation and they dismissed the charges and told me the best thing for me to do is to keep the No contact and get a restraining order first thing.

I already had it in place that if she showed up on property of my workplace to press charges for trespassing due to a different issue a few months ago. (obsessive phone calls at my job, cell phone, harassing text messages, and stalking ((showed up to my job after I told her not to then hid behind my car until I got off. Had to get security officer to pull her out of my driver side door. proceed to follow me all through town flashing her lights and horn. ended with me getting a parked officer involved)))) ALL BECAUSE I TOLD HER I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW and she wasn't happy about it.


Some of the mirroring includes:
- 2 year age difference (she was 19)
- when we first met she had a boyfriend who was "abusive"
- Caught her cheating multiple times
- pathological lair to the nth degree (even after I had firm evidence)
- hiding of phone, computer etc etc also locking of said devices
- had 50+ partners when we met
- raped at a young age by father for lengthy amount of time
- emotionally void mother
- seemingly many guy friends "like a brother" and lack of female friends
- stalking (Same day cops came to my apartment I caught her driving past multiple times within a short time)
- Literal no cohesiveness in conversations about her issues, lies, schemes, lovers etc
- Filing false legal allegations
- mind blowing (uninhibited, a lot of ****) sex
- warned by ex (allegedly abusive) boyfriend

To every guy out there and women for that matter who have to experience this with their once loved ones, all I can say is stay strong. Take advice from these forums and other websites. NO CONTACT is the best thing to do. They will keep dragging you down and every time they do they will drag you lower than before. Stay occupied to keep your mind from wondering.

And most importantly of all. When you start missing them, remember that the emotional, heart wrenching abuse is not worth it.

I hold no resentment towards my ex. Despite everything she has done. I feel sorry for her. That she is doomed to live the rest of her life in the hell she makes for herself whether she knows it or not