Help me become less controlling

[BeDJ]

I'm the kind of guy that I guess is precautious. There are some things I get irritated about and she tells me that I am giving her an attitude when I ask her to do something. But I don't mean to, it might just be subconcious or she always thinks it because sometimes when I'm grumpy, I give her an attitude.

What should I do? Should I just accept it?

We moved in together four months ago. We tried to talk about it, but its going nowhere. This is the only thing that is tearing this relationship apart.

 

[KarmaSutra]

What are asking her to do? Anal? Clean up the dog's scat? Put the dishes away?

Give us some more details so we can give a more decisive answer.

I can guaran-damned-tee you that this goes far deeper than putting the lid of the toilet seat down after you piss.

 

[BeDJ]

Putting a used dripping ladle on something instead of on the marble counter.
forgetting to turn off the TV
closing the cap on the toothpaste

It's just these small things, I remind her, she either:

makes an excuse saying she was going to do it
or

does it right away and 2 seconds later, tell me to close a lid on something when I'm done with it. She rarely reminds me to do something when she sees it, but almost everytime I remind her to do something she brings up something for me to do.

She says its the way I ask her to do something that gets her pissed. But I just say:

"Can you put the ladle on something so it won't leave a mark on the counter next time?"

And that is what makes her angry and we start arguing. How would you nicely ask to do something...I've been ****ed over from my DJ days and it took me a while to get off the phrase "Let me...(yada yada)"

 

[Luveno]

She sounds like a pig, and a spoiled princess.

Just drop her. It's clear she doesn't respect cleanliness and order. If this is YOUR house, she also doesn't respect your property.

It's not the way you ask her that pisses her off, but the fact that you are asking her at all.

My guess is that she's fairly attractive and is used to getting away with blue murder solely due to her looks. She's not used to being told what to do, and when she is she reverts back to childish tantrums and power games.

I hate the title of your post by the way: it doesn't sound like you're controlling since those aren't unreasonable requests: "don't waste my power, don't mess up my kitchen, and don't dry out the toothpaste!". Those are perfectly fine things to expect from someone.

Your title should say: help me become more strict.

 

[KarmaSutra]

She believes herself to be entitled to your submission. You are doing everything right as a boyfriend but everything wrong as a congruent MAN.

Luveno is right. You have to assert your stand on it and never falter. You have a standard of living which you hold in admiration of yourself. She does not. Instead she has an expectation that you're her dog to kick around because she has no self worth and doesn't place any value over her actions and decision making.

She's a chronic victim. You need to set her straight about what you'll put up with and what you won't.

KARMIC LAW #20 - Respect your Boundaries.

 

[hithard]

These small things will build up till you hate one another.Does she have a sob story past?

 

[BeDJ]

You're right about her getting spoiled before she met me. She does pay half the rent, and I use her stuff so I can't put that many MY's in the sentence. Don't get her wrong, she is really clean but I feel she is sort of careless sometimes.

I agree, these small things will turn into bigger problems. First time were are both exposed and its been four months since we moved into a place we found together.

Are these thing I have to compromise with when living together?

 

[The Bat]

Roommates was always a flaky issue. Try putting 3 or 4 people in a small apartment together who were all raised differently and grew up in different homes/neighborhoods/cultures. You'll definitely get some drama even if they are all guys. It takes a while getting used to having roommates.

I don't think you should compromise yourself by lowering your standard of living/cleanliness. Roommates don't compromise, they cooperate. She doesn't sound like she has enough respect for you. Explain yourself in a calm manner. Be objective about it, and don't point fingers or put blame on her while you explain yourself.

Trust me. You'll find out whether she's willing to cooperate or make you compromise.

 

[LovelyLady]

http://shop.ebay.com/spoon-rest_W0QQ_nkwZspoonQ20rest

"It is not the mountain that wears you out - but the grain of sand in your shoes"

I have found that sometimes it is best to go barefooted.

 

[everywomanshero]

This is someone you are living with. I don't know if you plan to stick with her or not or if you even want that, but I'll assume that you do for the moment.

Remember that there are two parts to any conversation you have with her.

There is the content (words).
There is the relationship (tone of voice, meaning behind the words, etc.).

You can often get the same content across in a way tht doesn't come across as condescending.

If some chica was crabbing at you all the time, how long would it be before you got sick of her crap? I am not there, so I have no idea, but I do a see lots of guys act crabby, so you might have to really evaluate if that's an issue that applied or not. if so, fix it ASAP or it will just continue to be a problem over & over.

 

[tick37]

Putting a used dripping ladle on something instead of on the marble counter.
forgetting to turn off the TV
closing the cap on the toothpaste

It's just these small things, I remind her, she either:

makes an excuse saying she was going to do it
or

does it right away and 2 seconds later, tell me to close a lid on something when I'm done with it. She rarely reminds me to do something when she sees it, but almost everytime I remind her to do something she brings up something for me to do.

She says its the way I ask her to do something that gets her pissed. But I just say:

"Can you put the ladle on something so it won't leave a mark on the counter next time?"

And that is what makes her angry and we start arguing. How would you nicely ask to do something...I've been ****ed over from my DJ days and it took me a while to get off the phrase "Let me...(yada yada)"

Dude, are you sure you're not dating my ex-wife? She was such a slob, and it got to me so bad. Clothes would pile up on the floor in different areas of the house at all times. Toothpaste would be all over the mirror, and she wouldn't clean it. She took the responsibility of washing the dishes and got pissed whenever I did them. If I did do them, they were in the sink for weeks and stunk up the house. I noticed the tiles in the bathroom were getting mildewish so I cleaned it pretty regularly after that. She told me she thought there was nothing to do with the mildew. Her parents never ever cleaned their house and there was junk everywhere. I was miserable with her.

I remodeled our kitchen all by myself. New counter tops, new trim on the cabinet doors with fresh white paint, new wallpaper, new tiled floor. Every single time she cooked, she would make a huge mess and food would be all over the kitchen. You could see it dripping down the new painted cabinets. She would never clean it up. She didn't take pride in my work, and it was awesome work. I would go behind her and spic&span all the dried up food and drippings going down the cabinets. She would get so freaking pissed off for going behind her and cleaning it up. As if she was was going to do it. Sometimes it would sit for a couple of days before I did it because I didn't want to hear her sh1t.

The house was always so filthy, but the yard was immaculate because that was my job and no one else could mess it up. Her kid's room couldn't be walked through because of the mess. I would take it upon myself to clean the room every 2 weeks. I would throw needless McDonald's toys away and whatever other crap I wanted to because her kid had everything and was spoiled to the max. If she found any of that crap in the trash, she would throw a fit. She was just as spoiled as her daughter.

She tried to control everything and thought I should submit, so we butted heads all the time. Everyday we fought. One time we were in Sunday school and she needed a pen, so I handed her mine. Then I held out my hand so she could give it back. Then she started a fight in middle of class about me wanting to control the pen and how I wanted to control everything. In fact, it was her who was controlling, and if she couldn't, there was hell to pay.

Like I said, I was miserable. Leave this b1tch now. Drop her like a bad habit. Find a woman who is looking for a man to lead and a woman with little class. You will be miserable if you don't.

 

[DonGorgon]

Putting a used dripping ladle on something instead of on the marble counter.
forgetting to turn off the TV
closing the cap on the toothpaste

It's just these small things, I remind her, she either:

makes an excuse saying she was going to do it
or

does it right away and 2 seconds later, tell me to close a lid on something when I'm done with it. She rarely reminds me to do something when she sees it, but almost everytime I remind her to do something she brings up something for me to do.

She says its the way I ask her to do something that gets her pissed. But I just say:

"Can you put the ladle on something so it won't leave a mark on the counter next time?"

And that is what makes her angry and we start arguing. How would you nicely ask to do something...I've been ****ed over from my DJ days and it took me a while to get off the phrase "Let me...(yada yada)"

Sounds like you are nagging... never ever do that it causes your mate to cheat (more often than they normally would)

 

[Mr. Me]

Ah, memories.

Well, number one: don't act grumpy.

Every woman (and man) is going to have some flaws. You have to decide if these are deal killers or not. If you can't live with them, it's one thing. But if it's because you have a short fuse or expect everything to be exactly as it would be if you were living alone, then you need to broaden that horizon some. Even your favorite dog is going to chew your slippers.

How's everything else in the relationship? Worth an uncapped toothpaste tube or two?

See how being grumpy and or having arguments DOESN'T WORK? People dig their heels into the sand instead.

You have to change the *patterns* to end the arguments, and to get her to change her behavior. That means doing things differently, even counter-intuitively. Now, you're only nagging her.

Here are some ideas:

"She says its the way I ask her to do something that gets her pissed."

Say; "Okay baby. You tell me: What way would you like me to tell you to please handle the ladle better?" - This isn't being supplicant to her. This is getting her mind to put itself into your shoes. Once she starts earnestly trying to work this out, she's more likely to see your viewpoint.

She insists on arguing? You don't stay in the room. Tell her you'll talk to her when she doesn't want to argue and then go for a walk if she follows you from room to room arguing.

She forgets to turn off the TV? Don't turn it off. Turn it up. You start leaving everything on too. Leave stuff on until it unnerves her and she starts turning things off. You start leaving ladles around too. You start undoing everything she's doing. Don't say a word about what you're up to. Don't be malicious; act innocent. What can happen is that she sees where her behavior is leading you, gets concerned, and then she changes her behavior accordingly.

 

[tick37]

Ah, memories.

Well, number one: don't act grumpy.

Every woman (and man) is going to have some flaws. You have to decide if these are deal killers or not. If you can't live with them, it's one thing. But if it's because you have a short fuse or expect everything to be exactly as it would be if you were living alone, then you need to broaden that horizon some. Even your favorite dog is going to chew your slippers.

How's everything else in the relationship? Worth an uncapped toothpaste tube or two?

See how being grumpy and or having arguments DOESN'T WORK? People dig their heels into the sand instead.

You have to change the *patterns* to end the arguments, and to get her to change her behavior. That means doing things differently, even counter-intuitively. Now, you're only nagging her.

Here are some ideas:

"She says its the way I ask her to do something that gets her pissed."

Say; "Okay baby. You tell me: What way would you like me to tell you to please handle the ladle better?" - This isn't being supplicant to her. This is getting her mind to put itself into your shoes. Once she starts earnestly trying to work this out, she's more likely to see your viewpoint.

She insists on arguing? You don't stay in the room. Tell her you'll talk to her when she doesn't want to argue and then go for a walk if she follows you from room to room arguing.

She forgets to turn off the TV? Don't turn it off. Turn it up. You start leaving everything on too. Leave stuff on until it unnerves her and she starts turning things off. You start leaving ladles around too. You start undoing everything she's doing. Don't say a word about what you're up to. Don't be malicious; act innocent. What can happen is that she sees where her behavior is leading you, gets concerned, and then she changes her behavior accordingly.

Man, I tried all of this crap with my ex. If she doesn't care, she just doesn't care. The less I cared the worse everything became. It was like I was the glue that held everything together, but as soon as I stopped, it all fell apart.

 

[DonGorgon]

Man, I tried all of this crap with my ex. If she doesn't care, she just doesn't care. The less I cared the worse everything became. It was like I was the glue that held everything together, but as soon as I stopped, it all fell apart.

That is why from the beginning you must always make sure that the women is 1 step ahead of you as far as emotions and caring and relationship maintenance.
Always care just alittle less than she does, call less etc. that is the only way..

 

[tick37]

That is why from the begging you must always make sure that the women is 1 step ahead of you as far as emotions and caring and relationship maintenance.
Always care just alittle less than she does, call less etc. that is the only way..

I personally have found this to be true.