Help getting my ex back/with troubles involved

[Soyoushave]

hi all,

my first post, starting with a dive into the deep

This is a really complicated on, so let me scetch the setting:

I met this girl last year, and it was instant attraction.
Unfortunately, due to school and stuff, we started talking only after the christmas holiday. Within a month we had a relationship.
Then...after a month, we went 'one step further'...after this experience (it was my first GF) she told me she couldn't do it anymore, she told me she was abused by a guy 2 years back, and this braught up very nasty memories.
From that day until the day she broke up, that guy was a constant topic standing between us...I hated how she felt, and I got depressed and wussy...
To make matters worse, after a holiday in may (in which we 'did stuff' everyday, and our minds we're free of that guy) she had a week away with school...on the way back, she kissed another guy.

I had forgiven her, although I was afraid things like this might happen again, so I got even more attached to her...
Last 3 weeks before she broke up, we had constant fights; I wanted attention, she wanted some time on her own (which I couldn't give her, because of personal things that went on at that time)...

So she broke up, and said that we would meet in a month (after a month of no contact)...to see if we could get a relationship again.
In this month I see her giving attention to a guy on an online chatthingy...and I called/mailed/text messaged her about 10/14 days...
I also called her furiously, because of her, my mind wasn't on my schoolprojects, and I got an F
Next day I called her, said it was stupid to blame her...

I also told my friends about us breaking up, and the things she did to me...due to this, our friends 'chose my side'...they are the only ones (+ me) who really understand her, but she says they don't .
Last saturday we met early (because we had appointments on the originally planned date)
We just talked, it was nice, untill at some point we braught up the reasons we broke up. I told her that it might be a good idea to search psychologic help for her abuse-problem.
After that we talked for a while, I made some jokes, everything alright...haven't spoken her since.

That evening I got a text message, saying that her parents (who dont know about the abuse) didn't find me as special/good/nice as they used to, because I told her she should see a psych.
I doubt she actually told her parents (sincethey would probably ask why I said that...so )

Today I'm getting surgery, and yesterday and today I received textmessages from her, asking me how I'm doing, how school's turning out, that I can call her if I need to...ending with kisses and lots of love.

Now...I really want her back...but I don't know what to do to get her back.

I'm also pretty scared she runs of with that guy she's been flirting with over internet (and she occasionally sees him...) He's on vacation now, untill next sunday...She says they only talk that way because it distracts her from breaking up and her abuse-problem.

Wow, long/complicated and perhaps hard to understand story.

Anyways...what should I do?
(during our meeting last saturday I wasn't emotional at all, I kept my distance...she is far more emotional than I am...but she stated that 'we' wouldn't work...)

Help me

(ps. I'm 19 and my ex is almost 17)

 

[Sir Juanalot]

More red flags than the chinese olympics.

Move away in the opposite direction and don't look back.

she told me she couldn't do it anymore, she told me she was abused by a guy 2 years back,

Avoid this girl.

From that day until the day she broke up, that guy was a constant topic standing between us...I hated how she felt, and I got depressed and wussy...

Avoid this girl.

Last 3 weeks before she broke up, we had constant fights; I wanted attention, she wanted some time on her own (which I couldn't give her, because of personal things that went on at that time)...

Avoid this girl.

Now...I really want her back...but I don't know what to do to get her back.

Don't do it!

I'm also pretty scared she runs of with that guy she's been flirting with over internet (and she occasionally sees him...) He's on vacation now, untill next sunday...She says they only talk that way because it distracts her from breaking up and her abuse-problem.

Let it happen, cos then you dont have to deal with her.

Anyways...what should I do?

Run away from this girl and dont look back.

 

[theunflushables]

In the words of Monty Python and Sir Juanalot above me "Run Away!"

Seriously dude she is nothing but trouble. Sorry to say it, but this someone who can come through and rip apart whatever you got going in your life. Redouble your focus on yourself and forget about her. It's for the best.

 

[Soyoushave]

I know it's for the best, and everybody gives me that advice, but we have so much that we shared...

íf I'd want her back...how

I already know going on with life/date others is a good strategy...but in this particular case...what more can I do (one thing's for sure, if it would turn out good between us, never will I give myself like I did...not with any girl...)

So please...extra advice...even though I know I'm being cow@ssdumb by still wanting her...

 

[On Point]

You have got to move on. There is no other way. Take everyone's advice, they've been there and know what they're talking about. Yes it will hurt and suck for a while, but she's not for you. You'll find someone better, but you can't do it while you're wasting your time with her.

 

[theunflushables]

Exactly, every person I've been in a relationship with has been better than the last, because I'm learning more about my likes/dislikes.

And it sucks, but her abuse is going to be something she lives with for the rest of her life. No therapy takes that away. That is something she has to deal with and until she does learn to deal with it she may want to consider not dating. (I hope that doesnt sound A-holish)

 

[Soyoushave]

Au contraire...you're telling me what most of my friends say...
The only thing is, I still like her, and I don't want to ignore that.

I'm living my own life now, being happy n' sh1t, but I'm still curious of how I can get her back...

just a few secs ago I got another text message from her, with words like (translated) hey sweetheart...lots of love...etc.

I'm still ignoring her (and occassionaly give her a casual answer...short, simple, without emotions)

So, seeing as she now constantly tries to contact me...I think she might want me back.
Now, I don't want to screw this up...so what steps do I make

(and again...I know I'm a total l0ser for still trying to get something with her...but I have my reasons...)

 

[Sir Juanalot]

Au contraire...you're telling me what most of my friends say...
The only thing is, I still like her, and I don't want to ignore that.

I'm living my own life now, being happy n' sh1t, but I'm still curious of how I can get her back...

just a few secs ago I got another text message from her, with words like (translated) hey sweetheart...lots of love...etc.

I'm still ignoring her (and occassionaly give her a casual answer...short, simple, without emotions)

So, seeing as she now constantly tries to contact me...I think she might want me back.
Now, I don't want to screw this up...so what steps do I make

(and again...I know I'm a total l0ser for still trying to get something with her...but I have my reasons...)

Did you lose your virginity to this girl? Was she your first? your only?

Upon what are you baseing your desire, you are lacking calibration in my opinion, if you went and slept with 5 other women, you would suddenly realise that she wasnt all that.

For the love of god, walk away.

 

[Soyoushave]

Did you lose your virginity to this girl? Was she your first? your only?

Upon what are you baseing your desire, you are lacking calibration in my opinion, if you went and slept with 5 other women, you would suddenly realise that she wasnt all that.

For the love of god, walk away.

Among my reasons...yes...
but there are still some other, more important things...which are quite personal...
I'll just get along in life, but I would like to know what do's and don't's I can apply to get her back...even if it's just for learning purposes.
Don't think I stand still untill she comes along again...I'm already dating...I just want to know hao to get her back.

I can't really explain my reasons and stuff...so it's pretty vague for you guys...

 

[Guoy Darko]

Aren't the weird and troubled ones not always the best?

 

[comic_relief]

I've been in a couple of LTR's over hte past couple of years, and each one gets better then the last. This girl was probably the first (do not give me the bullsh!t "we shared a lot.") I used that and it was not worth it.

Take a couple days completely away from her, go clubbing, enjoy your life, and then come back to this web site and tell us exactly how you feel. Hang out with your friends and ask them what they think about her. Make sure you tell them that you guys broke up too. They will give you honest opinions as well. Parents are good too.

Take your emotions out of the equation and you should be good. The only reason taht this girl means so much is because your allowing it.

comic_relief

 

[RecoveringAFC]

Ah young lust. It doesn't matter how much we say go away you're still going to want her. You'll have to learn this lesson yourself the hard way.

The things that have worked for me:
Invite her over for coffee, have a direct and honest conversation with her. Bring up whatever issues are going on between the two of you and try to work through them. Tell her you care about her. If she wants to get back together the two of you will be able to work something out.

Avoid the stalkerish behavior of phoning/emailing/texting all the time. If she doesn't want to get back together with you, deal with it and move on.

I now take the approach of 1 strike and you're out. If a girl breaks up with me that's it. No 2nd chances. I wasted many years with a girl who would fight with me, break up and then eventually want to get back together. You have to know when to draw the line.

 

[Soyoushave]

Ah young lust. It doesn't matter how much we say go away you're still going to want her. You'll have to learn this lesson yourself the hard way.

The things that have worked for me:
Invite her over for coffee, have a direct and honest conversation with her. Bring up whatever issues are going on between the two of you and try to work through them. Tell her you care about her. If she wants to get back together the two of you will be able to work something out.

Avoid the stalkerish behavior of phoning/emailing/texting all the time. If she doesn't want to get back together with you, deal with it and move on.

I now take the approach of 1 strike and you're out. If a girl breaks up with me that's it. No 2nd chances. I wasted many years with a girl who would fight with me, break up and then eventually want to get back together. You have to know when to draw the line.

I haven't called/mailed/texted her since last week wednesday.
Last saturday she called me to talk (how things are going, we both had some questions etc. Main topic of the conversation was about our friends choosing my side, she felt abandoned (now you know how that feels...)..)

So knowing there was no hope, I 'erased' her from my memories. I was emotionally detached from her.
Now, I received a text message the day before yesterday, asking me how my exams went, how my life is and wishing me the best of luck for my surgery (which I had yesterday). And that if there's anything at all, I could just call her. She ended with "lots of love".

So, learning bits from this site, I knew that instant replying was a bad choice. So I did nothing.

Yesterday(morning) I received yet another text message:
Best of luck with your surgery. Please tell me how it went. Lots of love

Still no reply from me...I waited untill a few hours after surgery and texted back:
Exams went fine. So did my surgery. Greetings <..>

An hour or so after that I received yet another text message:

Hey sweet <...> I'm glad your exams went fine, when do you get your results? Also I'm really glad your surgery went fine. Lots of love

(<...> is my name)

I haven't replied to this message...and I'm not sure if I should and what should be in it.

SO basically I'm not stalking her anymore...she's more like stalking me. I don't even know what she's been up to since last saturday, and frankly I don't care.
All I'm wondering is...why does she keep sending me messages? (and more important, why is she calling me sweet <..> and lots of love and stuff like that...that's not her, I know for a fact)

Now you proposed to invite her for a cup o' coffee.
How does one do that. DO I just send her a message "wanna come over for some coffee" or what?
I'm home alone (from next sunday 'till thursday)...so I'm thinking I should invite her then (if she's not on her holiday that is...)

Please keep in mind that we already had a conversation to clear things out...and after that conversation she suddenly starts sending me these messages...

What should my next step be?

P.s. I'm in a flirt right now with a girl who is very nice. I don't feel in love with her, and I don't think she's in love with me, but getting/giving attention to oneanother is nice...my ex probably knows about this girl (since we also talk via internet and I'm suspecting her of checking this.)

 

[monster squad]

I don't offer any advice, but I say go for it. Get back together with her. You're young and you can only really learn from your mistakes.

*spoiler warning*
It's going to backfire.

 

[Soyoushave]

*spoiler warning*
It's going to backfire.

*sigh*
yeah...it probably will...but atleast I can be the one breaking up...
Also, I really want to know whý she's sending me these messages...

 

[Guoy Darko]

*sigh*
yeah...it probably will...but atleast I can be the one breaking up...
Also, I really want to know whý she's sending me these messages...

Because she is really really flakey. :yes: That's all part of the game with younger girls. Any 17 year old girl will do this in her situation. She wants you to back off and when you do she gets confused and wants more attention. Try to see through it. Don't try to get so influenced by her flakiness. The more she is the more confident you should try to be. She wants you to be like that although she probably doesn't know it herself.

And listen to the song Hope of the Descendents. Also covered by Sublime, MxPx and probably by a million other bands. It fits your situation quite good.

 

[Soyoushave]

And listen to the song Hope of the Descendents. Also covered by Sublime, MxPx and probably by a million other bands. It fits your situation quite good.

Nice lyrics

Too many people told me this already...to be honest...I'm getting pretty irritated.
Why do girls always see 'grey' when there's only just black and white. You can't eat the cake and have it. Make a choice. My way or the highway.

seeing all the sacrifices I've made for this girl to be happy. I knów I changed her, I helped her. Yet when things don't go like planned. When I needed some support, I was asking for too much attention, I was claiming her too much...
(I've had a really rough time at home/school last month we had a relationship)

D@mnit...I don't even know whý I want her back anymore...
Maybe it's to get back some self respect, to show her (and myself) that I cán be independant (given: When I ignore her and enjoy life, I'm fulfilling this, but I want to show her/myself that I can do too in a relationship with her) Many reasons play a role in this one...it's just so scruewed up.

Of course I can go out and dating again (which btw I'm doing) but I just want to see if I can get her back (with the use of DJ'moves)

So, what I just did is I replied to her textmessage,
casually telling when my testresults come in and that I'm doing fine (since I've had surgery). Asked how she was in a casual, short way and ended with greetings <..> (wish there was a better translation)

Now let's see her move.

DJ'ing (or at least trying to I've got a loooong way to go) really helps you to see things in it's perspective and to emotionally detach!
SO many things I've accountered in this relationship can be coupled with the tips/'manuals' you give on this site...it gives you the idea of having control in some way, which is good

Now my final question would be;

If I were to invite her to <where?>. How do I ask her and when do I ask her (how many days/weeks should I wait).
Also what moves do and don't you make

Wow...long post again

well thqs for helping

 

[Soyoushave]

it actually works

I don't want to post the entire story here, but short story:

I went to visit her unexpected, I just'ordered' her to drink something with me.
We talked, I threw in some kino (or how you guys call it) she cried and hugged/kissed me saying she was missing me.
in the midst of hugging I said I had to go. She begged me not to go. I looked at my watch and said..ok, I'm hungry and I think I can go for a quick snack first.
SO I took her to a restaurant

After that I really went, she wanted to kiss me, I kissed her on the cheecks (I couldn't kiss her because of my surgery, long story, nevermind)

So, I left her with a whole lotta questions, she text messaged me, thanking me for giving her a chance. Then when I got home I got several emails from her.
Now there's this other guy she doesn't love or something, but he fancies her, and they hung out quite a lot since we broke up. She's going to tell him today or tomorrow that they can't be more than just friends...she's having big trouble with that, because she feels guilty about suddenly stopping giving hope to him.
I haven't replied to that, nor will I. It's her decision. I think I can pull this one of good.
If we would come back together...I have control, instead of following her like a wussy.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Even when this turns out really bad, I'm still glad I 'practiced' on her...and saw that the basic rules of love really work!

Thanks guys! For this great site

EDIT: one important thing I found out;

If you want your ex back; have emotional detachement. Don't show up like you don't give a f\/ck, but be chill with you not being with her anymore. Let her show that life goes on without her too, and that you are enjoying it...be like a friend to her...if she really misses you, you will notice, and you can try to win her back step by step. end of N00badvice