Help for a married guy

[stryped]

Someone on alt.support shyness told me to come here. I have been married for about 11 years. I am 34 years old. My wife speaks to me hatefully alot.

I dont have alot of self confidence. I think if other women noticed me to be a boost in this department.

I am around 6 feet tall. I weigh 185. I have a little bit of a spare tire. (But no one says they can notice. I actually appear skinny to people.) I work out at home around three days a week lightly. I have a small weight bench but all I do is three sets of bench presses then three sets of tricep pull downs. Then I do what I love..I turn my music up and hit my heavey bag for 10 to 1 minutes. (I took martial arts many years ago).

You can probably search on the shyness newsgroup under stryped to see some of the stuff I have posted over the years.

The latest example is my wife acts as if she is mad at me for the last week and wont carry on a conversation with me and I emailed her earlier. I asked her "Can you please tell me why you are mad at me?" She responds with "I am PMS I guess and things are just getting on my nerves". The thing is, she talks acceptably to everyone else she runs into. (Including her mom on the phone). But for some reason no respect I feel toward me.

Any advice is appreciated!

 

[joekerr31]

ya, some women once they marry a guy consider him their emotional tampon.

you are her emotional tampon. so with other peopel she can act like a grown up adult, but with you shes like a child, any thought or emotion that comes into her head she just vomits it all over you.

without knowing the details on this, if its been going on for 11 years, this marriage is a waste of time.

go to a councillor and try to open the lines of communication to get her to change her behavior if you want. otherwise start looking out for yourself.

the other angle to consider is that when you let a woman abuse you, it only creates more spite in her and she abuses you even more. in a way shes pushing you to act like a man. she figures if she rags on you enough eventually you will break out of your shell and become the strong man she dreamed of as a child.

odds are though if you became that man you wouldn't want her anymore - cuz she aint no princess from the sounds of things.

J

 

[tomzel]

The chick that I just broke up with used the PMS excuse. That shouldn't be an excuse for being distant...usually there is more wrong than that. Sounds to me like she's unhappy with the relationship. Marriage is tough, because there is a lot more at stake. I'd sit her down and have a real heart to heart talk...tell that her act is very disrespectful.

 

[Desdinova]

Well, if you're gonna build this marriage back up, it's going to take a lot of work. It sounds like the spark that the two of you had has disappeared. Your looks have nothing to do with it.

If you really want to try and salvage this, I suggest dating your wife. Take her out and do something fun with her. Make it like the two of you have just started dating again.

One reason why relationships go down the 5hitter is because the couple get "comfortable" with each other, and become lazy in relationship maintenance. Try remembering some of the things the two of you did when you first started dating. You MUST keep doing those things to keep the relationship fun and interesting.

Do a search on this site for date ideas. Fun action dates will work much better than a boring dinner and movie.

Try that and see how things go.

 

[stryped]

I am always offering to go out on dates and things. It is hard with kids though. She has always been this way a little but just recently worse!

I think I am too easy going and get no respoect.

 

[Desdinova]

I am always offering to go out on dates and things

Next time, don't offer. Tell her, "I'm sending the kids to the neighbors so we can go out and feed ducks tonight!" Being spontaneous will help bring the fun back to your relationship.

It's really hard to see what the problems are in your relationship without knowing the entire history of it. You're probably too easy going, but a complete turnaround will ruin the relationship even more. Take baby steps to get the relationship on the right track again. This is one point you can try and work on for now.

 

[joekerr31]

Originally posted by stryped
I am always offering to go out on dates and things. It is hard with kids though. She has always been this way a little but just recently worse!

I think I am too easy going and get no respoect.

marriages don't break down because of not dating enough, even though that's a common problem (but its just a problem, it doesnt cause a break down).

it breaks down when you get into what i call the "bare necessities" stage.

what this means is you start to care about each other basically for just the bare necessities. some call this the "comfort stage" - but i don't think its all tha tcomfortable

in the bare necessities stage, the man sees the woman as the person he comes home to, f*cks once a week/month, and who looks after his kids. the wife sees the man as the one who goes out and brings in the majority of the money, f*cks her once a week/month, and who will put up with her incessant whinning, bullsh*t and general venting of negative emotions (ie. her emotional tampon).

so once you hit this zone you are in BIG trouble. you're in trouble because you've probably been sliding down this slope for years.

so really the only solution is for both parties to acknowledge that you've entered this stage and that its going to take some work to get out of it. if BOTH parties don't do this, there really is no hope in my opinion.

once both parties DO acknowledge this, then you can begin working out of it.

the easiest ways to work out of it is to stop seeing your wife as merely there to provide those 3 things and for her to stop seeing you there as merely providing those 3 things.

the key is to begin to see each other as human beings, who have the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

anyway, i feel sorry that you've fallen into the role of being her emotional tampon.

you know, even put you 2 aside for a moment. you guys need to fix this for your kids. if your kids grow up seeing how the two of you relate they will repeat it in their own relationships.

NOT GOOD>

J

 

[ElChoclo]

I respectfully suggest;

1 Attempt to avoid the patterns which lead to the arguments. Frequently the dialogue will follow a certain pattern. You are required to play a role. Don't play the role anymore. Here is an example;

"Why is it you waste so much time hitting that punching bag? It's because you're passive aggressive (insert wife's favourite diagnosis of you).

You are expected to answer something like:

" I'm not passive aggressive." etc

Instead just break the conversation right off. Change the subject. Insert new answer eg;

"That reminds me there isn't much time left before Christmas. I think I'll go shopping for some stocking fillers."

2 Don't reward sulking or abusive behaviour by attempting to elicit reasons. If you don't reward the behaviour by becoming attentive, it might diminish.

BTW If you really are down trodden, I think you should increase your weight training. Maybe bent over rowing, behind the neck presses and incline bench press. And definitely squats. Go back to martial arts training.

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by Desdinova
Next time, don't offer. Tell her, "I'm sending the kids to the neighbors so we can go out and feed ducks tonight!" Being spontaneous will help bring the fun back to your relationship.

It's really hard to see what the problems are in your relationship without knowing the entire history of it. You're probably too easy going, but a complete turnaround will ruin the relationship even more. Take baby steps to get the relationship on the right track again. This is one point you can try and work on for now.

what a great idea.
wives love date night, especially when the kids dont have to be present during the date haha

 

[DJnomore]

Originally posted by ElChoclo
I respectfully suggest;

1 Attempt to avoid the patterns which lead to the arguments. Frequently the dialogue will follow a certain pattern. You are required to play a role. Don't play the role anymore. Here is an example;

"Why is it you waste so much time hitting that punching bag? It's because you're passive aggressive (insert wife's favourite diagnosis of you).

You are expected to answer something like:

" I'm not passive aggressive." etc

Instead just break the conversation right off. Change the subject. Insert new answer eg;

"That reminds me there isn't much time left before Christmas. I think I'll go shopping for some stocking fillers."

2 Don't reward sulking or abusive behaviour by attempting to elicit reasons. If you don't reward the behaviour by becoming attentive, it might diminish.

BTW If you really are down trodden, I think you should increase your weight training. Maybe bent over rowing, behind the neck presses and incline bench press. And definitely squats. Go back to martial arts training.

This is good advice. Be considerate and helpful and then very subtly don't take any crap. But change slowly not all of a sudden.

Honestly if you knew that every woman wanted to ***** slap your wife and **** you there is no way in hell you would have to put up with crap from her.

So the working out is big. Save money as financial working out is just as imortant for guys egos. But basically if you are secure in who you are...gradually you will not take crap and she will learn not to give it. The key is you have to truely believe you don't deserve it.

Good luck

 

[shyguy32]

Dude....went through the same thing. My marriage is over though and it was rough, but I was the ultimate nice guy and always trying to do nice things for her be the romantic type and all. Now I don't do **** for women....the ones I tried to do things for after my marriage all those relationships ended the same way with me being dumped.

The real problem was that I was just being a door mat for my ex wife and the chicks that I dated right after my marriage. YOu have to stand up and be a man....I'm still nice, but I say **** back now to the women when they say something to me. YOu have to start being a MAN.....stand up to the ***** and take control.

I look back and see that I wasn't that, I was the chick in the relationship if thats how you want to look at it.

And if you want to get over your shyness use the DJ bible. Best part of the bible IMO was the first part.

 

[shyguy32]

any update on this stryped?

 

[JackPrescott]

Originally posted by stryped
Someone on alt.support shyness told me to come here. I have been married for about 11 years. I am 34 years old. My wife speaks to me hatefully alot.

I dont have alot of self confidence. I think if other women noticed me to be a boost in this department.

I am around 6 feet tall. I weigh 185. I have a little bit of a spare tire. (But no one says they can notice. I actually appear skinny to people.) I work out at home around three days a week lightly. I have a small weight bench but all I do is three sets of bench presses then three sets of tricep pull downs. Then I do what I love..I turn my music up and hit my heavey bag for 10 to 1 minutes. (I took martial arts many years ago).

You can probably search on the shyness newsgroup under stryped to see some of the stuff I have posted over the years.

The latest example is my wife acts as if she is mad at me for the last week and wont carry on a conversation with me and I emailed her earlier. I asked her "Can you please tell me why you are mad at me?" She responds with "I am PMS I guess and things are just getting on my nerves". The thing is, she talks acceptably to everyone else she runs into. (Including her mom on the phone). But for some reason no respect I feel toward me.

Any advice is appreciated!

I'll give you some advice that is GUARANTEED to change your life. Get her FACE to FACE alone, and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that if she doesnt change her little attitude IMMEDIATLEY, that you will walk out on her a$$, straight into the office of a divorce attorney. Tell her you love her, but want her to treat you like a man she loves and DEMAND her respect. If you get any flak, if you get any bull$hit, if you get anything other than her collapsing in your arms and begging you not to leave her, get the fukk out of that pathetic marriage, see a divorce attorney, and follow through with your threat.