Heed my warning when dating an abused woman!

[alfadog]

Alright guys, I met a girl that I had gone to high school with and hadn't seen in 20 years. We hit it off big time, especially in the bedroom. Things were sailing along great and then her true self started seeping out. She had been in an abusive relationship for 6 years, was involved with this fat, biker, dirt ball. To keep it short, the guy mentally abused her and physically abused her once that I know of. Two of her brothers had found out about the abuse and drug him out of the house two Christmas's ago and rightfully put him in the hospital. Then the abusive dirtball sues the brothers and gets an $8,000 settlement. It ruins her relationship with her brothers and strains her relationship with her parents. She also had 2 abortions with this guy over the course of their relationship, in addition to him forcing his way into her parent's house when she was watching it and destroying things. Not to mention the time that he made a list of her ex-boyfriends and passed out to all fo them to let everyone know who she had slept with. Dude has a dead end job, is out of shape, and a 2 minute man in the bedroom (something she told me).

So I got caught in this drama and instead of cutting and running as soon as she started her BS I kept rationalizing that this situation was different because of the abuse. Any other girl I would've dumped so quick her head would've spun off.

So during the course of this relationship, about 6 months, she would break up with me and went back to the dude that abused her. She called me up after 2 dates with him in hysterics, we talked for a week and I stupidly went back with her. Then Christmas comes and she starts crying because she thought I was going to give her an engagement ring, something I probably would've done had she not spazzed out on Thanksgiving and went back with himthat first time. We get in an argument the next day because she was in a mood and at that point I wouldn't have been able to scratch my A** without getting a criticism about it. We break up again!

Februaury rolls around and she calls me again. Like a freaking idiot, and trying to rationalize everything, we hook up again. But this time I draw new boundries with her. I tell her that we're only dating, that everything we had talked about in the past, marriage a house, etc... was off the table, and that if I met someone where there was a chance for a long term relationship, I'd pursue it, which was actually something she told me to do a couple of days before this. It seemed that when I suddenly called her on her own BS she didn't like it. Also, towards the very end she tells em that she went back with the abusive scum bag on New Years's Day, and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm thinking, how the heck can you lay in bed crying about not getting a proposal on Christams from me and then go back to a dude tht s*it all over you for 6 years. Broke up yet again and I told her to go the F away and never call me again. Told her that those two deserved each other and that he was a sick F for treating her that way and she was a sick F for going back to that. She angrily tells me she'll never call again! Three months later, I get a call just to see how I'm doing, no relationship talk, just talk about our jobs. We hang up, I call her a month to see if she got the promotion she put in for, I get one word answers. Hmmm she calls me and I act civil, I call her and she is a B*tch. Tell her I'll never call her again. Now I come to find out she was back with him, a friend saw her in September with him. I guess there's no limit to what she will take from that guy. What I don't get is she is a stone cold 9, she's gorgeous, and this guy is a "0".

Let me tell you guys, if you get involved with a woman who mentions anything about being abused in the past, RUN!!!!!! You ahve no idea what you are in for. Women are illogical enough, but one with that kind of past will mess with your head like you can't imagine. Don't do what I did! No second chances! I never gave anyone else a second chance, I gave her not only that but a third chance. This all went down in Februaury, and I've been in two other relationships since then with two drop dead gorgeous women, yet this thing keeps haunting me for some reason. I seen the best of her for three months and then she fell off the wagon and her true, eternally depressed, personality came through. I have always been strong as h*ll if a woman screwed me over; as soon as the games started I'd give her her walking papers. But this one got to me, and still does at times. So heed my warning guys!!!

 

[spider_007]

no need, obviously you know what's going on in your own life. Your hard enought on your self already (with out us flaming you for something that could hapen to any of us)

it sux when you really want it to be perfect, and try to denie seeing the foults. It's as colose to perfect as it can be and then all of a sudden something goes wrong. You still want to belive it can be solvaged but it never happens (one of the reasons people loose money in stocks, they stick with it even when it's going down, while saying to them selfs; "it's still good, it's still good").... Your gut knows the best, i learned that the hard way my self.

 

[Futuristic]

Wow, sorry you had to go through all that, but you'll come away a better man from it. I guess as you get older its harder to find someone normal thats in your age group. Apply what you learn from this site as I intend to and land yourself a nice young hottie. :woo:

 

[alfadog]

Absolutely

Bingo Futuristic! The older you get the harder it gets to meet people without baggage. I'm 39, have a dream job in the music industry, no kids, own a beautiful home, and have no baggage. To find a woman in my age group without major baggage is a problem. It's amazing how much people screw their life up; the key is to not get caught in their drama, and let me tell you, they will try to suck you in just like a whirlpool does. It generally starts out as a gradual thing where you can hardly notice it, then one day you wake up and think, what the h*ll just happened and how did I get here? To the younger guys I say, always trust your instincts, never try to rationalize bad behavior regardless of how screwed up her past is, and always conduct yourself with respect. The way to make your point and extract your revenge is to remove yourself from her life. There's a lot of truth in the saying, "don't know what you got until it's gone". Let her drama be somebody elses problem, and believe me it eventually will be.

 

[wowiehowie]

I started dating a girl that I dated a long time ago. Well long story short, she was rebounding off a guy whom she was dating about 5 years. The guy is another POS, similiar in many ways to what you've described. Only difference is that she claims to have never wanted to speak to or see him again. -Something I could never really have verified.
Well early on, as I accepted her emotions, her anger, her criticism and her exterme mood swings, I endured them and attributed them to her breakup.

As time went on, every time I would go to see her, I'd have this building sense of dread because I didn't know "who or what" to expect. Problem is, you yourself begin to internalize these feelings and think that it's somehow "your fault" for the way she's behaving. Towards the end(about a 3 month relatonship) I started doing some online research and did keyword searches for similiar behavior patterns.
I strongly believe that this girl has strong Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms. At the very end I couldn't take it anymore, and let out all my pent up anger and frustration. I called her every name in the book and explained to her what I thought she was suffering from. Of course, she scoffed at me and then began projecting on me and then began telling me that I had those symptoms!

The really and truely sad part about these types is that they usually NEVER , EVER admit to needing help. So, I basically knew that continuing any thing with her would be completely futile. What I also found out about people with such symptoms or maladies, is that they CANNOT be alone for long; they MUST be involved in relationships and can't stand being alone. They are paranoid, jealous, and EXTREMELY insecure with themselves. So I pity the poor bast!d who's dealing with her now.

Now, my experience with her left me a little shaken about relationships, women, and most importantly myself. It took me some time to understand that it was not my fault and that sometimes people like this do come into your life and mess you up. I've learned not to take things personally when in fact they are not your fault. Still, an experience like this does shake you, and somehow you are never really the same afterwards. BUT, you are stronger and wiser if you come away from such an experience with knowledge, insight, and a keener awareness as to what to look out for and avoid.

Finally, when you do break up with somebody as I've just described, your natural feelings toward that other person are intense anger, and resentment. I think this is quite natural. The difficulty arises because these people are TRULY sick psychologically and emotionally. Our responses, or feeling for them SHOULD really be pity, compassion, and understanding. Now, this doesn't mean you go crawling back to them and subject yourself to the same behavior patterns. I don't really recommend ever contacting such people afterwards. Now, if someone asks you for help or to help them with getting therapy, it would be a good thing to consider.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wowiehowie
I strongly believe that this girl has strong Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms.

My ex husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with. People who have that can't have healthy relationships.

 

[wowiehowie]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
My ex husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with. People who have that can't have healthy relationships.

Wyldfire, so would you personally agree that it changes you , i.e. you're not the same afterwards?

How long did you endure your ex?

Did your ex "rebound" quickly to another victim?

It's good to talk to others like yourself who have been through it.

 

[Desdinova]

The really and truely sad part about these types is that they usually NEVER , EVER admit to needing help.

That is very true. I tried to be the "knight in shining armour" with this one chick I dated. There was sexual abuse in her history, and I tried to get her some help. But as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. She wouldn't admit that she needed help. Me and her mom dragged her ass into a clinic. They prescribed her some Paxil, and she never took it.

Unless the chick gets some form of help, her past is going to haunt her and affect ANY relationship she's involved in.

alpadog, good for you for finally breaking it off. It sounds like you've definately learned from this dating experience. Things like this will cause guys to become more and more selective about the people they date.

 

[wowiehowie]

Originally posted by Desdinova
She wouldn't admit that she needed help. Me and her mom dragged her ass into a clinic.

What you just wrote jogged my memory. Her MOTHER is the classic enabler, co-dependant , and basically validated her twisted behavior. So, no help from her. I'm convinced that her mother abused her and Fvcked her up growing up.

Yeah, I tried bringing up this behavior to her mother a few times, but got stonewalled, and was told that "I didn't know how to treat women" or "she's just a girl and you need to know how to deal with her" , blah, blah, blah...

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wowiehowie
Wyldfire, so would you personally agree that it changes you , i.e. you're not the same afterwards?

How long did you endure your ex?

Did your ex "rebound" quickly to another victim?

It's good to talk to others like yourself who have been through it.

My ex is unable to have a healthy relationship. I've been able to have healthy relationships since him. Does it change you? Of course it does, but so does every experience you have be it positive or negative. It changed me in a positive way because I chose to use it as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person.

I stayed for 10 years and have 3 children from that marriage. I left him in 1994...April 1st will make 12 years since I walked away from the insanity.

Did he rebound quickly? No. He still hasn't. He's had a couple of girlfriends who dumped him in less than 6 months. He is still obsessed with me and tries to interfere in my life as much as he can manage. He's alienated all three of our kids, physically assaulted our youngest (he was 14 at the time), and I just moved from the state I was living in because he moved there for the second time in 12 years and began harassing us. I have a relative about an hour away who he already knew how to contact. When we had a court hearing for yet another of his friviolous motions earlier this month he convinced the judge to order me to give him contact information. None of our kids have ordered visitation with him...they're 15, 17 and 19 and visitation is entirely up to them (that's the order) and they all hate him due to his behavior. I gave my relatives contact information. So, now he doesn't know my address or phone number or even what county and town I live in. He can't look up my phone number because I use vonage and it's not listed in any phone book. I can also change my area code and make it look like I'm in any of the 50 states if I need to.

He routinely threatens my life and is still not over the fact that I left him. He was physically abusive, raped me many times and the verbal and emotional abuse was non-stop.

Feel fortunate you never had children with your ex. That forces you to have to deal with them for 18 years or more, whether you want to or not. It's not fun. I roll with it, though, and chalk it all up to experience. I have 3 great children I wouldn't have had I not gone through total hell to get them. They're worth it. But I'll still be glad when my youngest son turns 18 in 3 years. Then I don't ever have to deal with their father again.

I'm fortunate to because I'm a very strong and resilient person. I've gone through many things in my life that most people wouldn't be able to handle. It's all about your attitude about things.

You'll now be able to spot the warning signs of BPD easily in people. My 17 year old son's ex girlfriend was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is a classic case of BPD...virtually every symptom they use to diagnose, including being a cutter. She liked me so I talked with her about her symptoms. I asked her if anyone discussed BPD with her and she said they hadn't. I suggested she look it up online and look into dialectal behavior therapy. She did that and knew she had BPD after reading the info. She told her therapist what she thought and why and now she is being treated for what she actually has. There has been much improvement for her. She'll still struggle in close personal relationships all her life, but at least she knows what resources there are and how to try to cope with it.

Just hope your ex moves on so she doesn't focus her main obsession onto you. She'll only choose one ex to do that with...hope it isn't you.

Good luck...

 

[wowiehowie]

Originally posted by Wyldfire

Just hope your ex moves on so she doesn't focus her main obsession onto you. She'll only choose one ex to do that with...hope it isn't you.

Good luck...

Thanks for sharing your horrible ordeal. Yes, I am lucky. It was a very short relationship. One of the early warning signs were statements like: "We sure would make beautiful babies, wouldn't we?" or her wanting to get married VERY soon, and asking me to commit very quickly. This girl was very unaffectionate, didn't care much for physical contact(caressing, kissing) and ONLY wanted sex on her terms and conditons; i.e. only when she wanted it. She then complained that I didn't want her sexually! WTF?!?!? So we no longer had sex. People like her (and perhaps your ex) have an exteremely limited ability TO LOVE, but, ironically have an IMMENSE NEED for love.

Finally, getting back to your last quote, one of the chracteristics of someone with BPD is that in the end they either completely LOVE or HATE you; no in-betweens. So, luckily she HATES me and hasn't contactes me since! Whhhew!!!!

 

[KontrollerX]

Sounds like yet another sad case of Stockholm Syndrome.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469

 

[DonJuanMonk]

Originally posted by alfadog

Let me tell you guys, if you get involved with a woman who mentions anything about being abused in the past, RUN!!!!!! You ahve no idea what you are in for. Women are illogical enough, but one with that kind of past will mess with your head like you can't imagine. Don't do what I did! No second chances! I never gave anyone else a second chance, I gave her not only that but a third chance. This all went down in Februaury, and I've been in two other relationships since then with two drop dead gorgeous women, yet this thing keeps haunting me for some reason. I seen the best of her for three months and then she fell off the wagon and her true, eternally depressed, personality came through. I have always been strong as h*ll if a woman screwed me over; as soon as the games started I'd give her her walking papers. But this one got to me, and still does at times. So heed my warning guys!!!

Amen to that. Same sh!t story with me too. Even though some other people may say "Just try to understand" (or put up with her) If you've lived a good life of being secure with yourself, why should you be attached to someone else's bigger problems? Remember men, 5-10 minutes of p!ssy action is not worth 5-10 months (and for the bigger chumps 5-10 years) of hell is not worth it!!! Be super friendly yet hold your own with these kinda people.

 

[DonJuanMonk]

Originally posted by KontrollerX
Sounds like yet another sad case of Stockholm Syndrome.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469

Everyone should bookmark this! Recognize the symptoms and know the solutions to dealing with these type of people. I'm not saying avoid them entirely, but understanding them as well as not to get too involved with them is the best, you do have a life still.

 

[alfadog]

DonJuanMonk, I agree with all of the 5 and 10's except the sex part...LOL! It's true though, I look at myself now and wonder what the heck was I staying there for. Just like wowiehowie said, when I would go to her house I never knew which Chris I was getting, good Chris or bad Chris. You can be the most confident, c*ck sure guy out there and get sucked into something like this. What throws you off is that it happens so gradually that you are caught in the whirlpool and you didn't even see it coming. Yes, it definitely changes you, no doubt about it. I think my Ex was bipolar too, extreme highs and lows, and no middle ground whatsoever. I learned one major thing from this, "when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM"! Disregard the words of love, the tears, and the irrational explinations; if they aren't backed up with actions they are meaningless.

To Wyldfire, wow! What can I say. Hearing from someone like you who has dealt with it long term is eye opening, because had many of us here not opened our eyes eventually it would've been us.

I had someone explain it to me this way and it makes a lot of sense now that I look at it. These women have very low self esteem, regardless of how beautiful they are, or how successful they are, they don't like themselves as people. So in their eyes, for you to like them, there must be something wrong with you; becuase how can you like me if I don't even like myself. It's hard to watch someone you really loved, who you shared some great times with, self destruct right before your eyes; and these type of women always do and always will. Just make sure you get away from the blast and cover up before you are in longterm like Wyldfire talks about. I'm glad to see other people have been throught this same thing. Damn Wowiehowie, you sure we weren't dating the same woman?! I could've taken your name off of that story and slapped mine on there and never known the difference. Congrats to all of you for seeing the light before the train hit you and did permanent damage!

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by wowiehowie

Finally, getting back to your last quote, one of the chracteristics of someone with BPD is that in the end they either completely LOVE or HATE you; no in-betweens. So, luckily she HATES me and hasn't contactes me since! Whhhew!!!! [/B]

Well, it's not so black and white as either obsessive hate or obsessive love...my ex cries to people who know me and tells them he still loves me one minute and the next minute he says he hates me and wants to slit my throat.

When he manages to get a chance to talk to me he starts off trying to win me over and when he sees it's not working he'll switch modes and make death threats. I'm so used to his crazy mood swings now that I pay them no mind. So...with BPD one minute they love you and the next they hate you. It's really f*cked up...

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: Re: Heed my warning when dating an abused woman!

Originally posted by DonJuanMonk
Amen to that. Same sh!t story with me too. Even though some other people may say "Just try to understand" (or put up with her) If you've lived a good life of being secure with yourself, why should you be attached to someone else's bigger problems? Remember men, 5-10 minutes of p!ssy action is not worth 5-10 months (and for the bigger chumps 5-10 years) of hell is not worth it!!! Be super friendly yet hold your own with these kinda people.

Not all women who have been abused are a mess. It all depends on whether they choose to remain a victim or become a survivor. Some women will just keep getting involved with abusive men over and over again. Others learn from what they endure and never repeat their mistakes. They have to accept responsibility for the part they played in their own bad experiences and understand why they were attracted to that in the first place. If they manage that then they are fully capable of having healthy relationships. You should definitely be wary, but only judge people on a case by case basis.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by alfadog
DonJuanMonk, I agree with all of the 5 and 10's except the sex part...LOL! It's true though, I look at myself now and wonder what the heck was I staying there for. Just like wowiehowie said, when I would go to her house I never knew which Chris I was getting, good Chris or bad Chris. You can be the most confident, c*ck sure guy out there and get sucked into something like this. What throws you off is that it happens so gradually that you are caught in the whirlpool and you didn't even see it coming. Yes, it definitely changes you, no doubt about it. I think my Ex was bipolar too, extreme highs and lows, and no middle ground whatsoever. I learned one major thing from this, "when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM"! Disregard the words of love, the tears, and the irrational explinations; if they aren't backed up with actions they are meaningless.

To Wyldfire, wow! What can I say. Hearing from someone like you who has dealt with it long term is eye opening, because had many of us here not opened our eyes eventually it would've been us.

I had someone explain it to me this way and it makes a lot of sense now that I look at it. These women have very low self esteem, regardless of how beautiful they are, or how successful they are, they don't like themselves as people. So in their eyes, for you to like them, there must be something wrong with you; becuase how can you like me if I don't even like myself. It's hard to watch someone you really loved, who you shared some great times with, self destruct right before your eyes; and these type of women always do and always will. Just make sure you get away from the blast and cover up before you are in longterm like Wyldfire talks about. I'm glad to see other people have been throught this same thing. Damn Wowiehowie, you sure we weren't dating the same woman?! I could've taken your name off of that story and slapped mine on there and never known the difference. Congrats to all of you for seeing the light before the train hit you and did permanent damage!

BPD moodswings are essentially the same as bipolar in severity. The main difference is the frequency of the shifts and length of time in one mood. In bipolar, the cycling tends to be less severe. One mood can last a few days, few weeks or even months sometimes. In BPD the mood cycling is so rapid that it can switch from minute to minute. One minute they can be fine, happy and loving and the next second they can be flipping out for no reason, attacking you and calling you every name in the book and then some.

 

[alfadog]

Reading that Wyldfire, I'd say my girl was definitlely BPD. She'd cycle from conversation to conversation at times. Here's a short little example: Just before the first breakup she was doing the "I need to be alone" stuff, for which I backed off and let her be. She had left laundry at my house and needed to pick it up. So at first she calls me and says, "I feel like I should just run over and jump in your arms, but I can't". I said, "whatever! You are free to do what you want, you want to be alone, go be alone; but let me make one thing perfectly clear, if this has anything to do with him (referring to the abusive dirt ball Ex boyfriend) we're through"! She snapped back, "well thank you very much for the warning! this has nothing at all to do with him"), and then she angrily hung up. Not 5 minutes later I get a call and she says very very sweetly, almost like a little girl, "when I come over, can we take Nikki (my German Shepherd) for a walk? You'd never know it was the same person that just snapped at me and hung up on me 5 minutes earlier. A total Sybil moment!!! That's the mentality of what I was dealing with. Oh and by the way, guess I wasn't paranoid afterall, she broke it off the next day and went back to the abuser. Always trust your intuition guys, it rarely will let you down!

 

[wowiehowie]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
BPD moodswings are essentially the same as bipolar in severity. The main difference is the frequency of the shifts and length of time in one mood. In bipolar, the cycling tends to be less severe. One mood can last a few days, few weeks or even months sometimes. In BPD the mood cycling is so rapid that it can switch from minute to minute. One minute they can be fine, happy and loving and the next second they can be flipping out for no reason, attacking you and calling you every name in the book and then some.

I'll agree with that. We'd be hanging out , and then all of a sudden she'd start questioning our relationship, how I don't do enough for her($$$$) , how I didn't show my love for her ($$$$) , etc. Usually, I'd be able to, as it were (talk her down) and sooth her fragile little ego and things would be smoothed over for a while. Other times, she'd get all wound up and COMPLETETLY irrational in thoughts, words, and illogic, and there was no talking her down, and so she'd kick me out. Sometimes as quickly as an hour and sometimes as long as a day it would take her to feel apologetic and remorseful. So things would "nice" again for who knows how long?

If anyone is interested, I found this anonymously written article about BPD. This author looks at things from a different perspective and by gollly, it seems to make a whole lot of sense to me:

http://mhsanctuary.com/borderline/anon.htm