Heavy flirting, and then nothing. What happened?

[JLW]

There was this cute girl (we'll call her Jen) who i saw at a party a few weeks ago. She approached me and asked me some random questions and kept touching my arms/shoulders/body in a pretty flirty manner. I was kind of ignoring her at first for some reason, probably because I was a little buzzed and didn't really care to talk in such a loud environment.

A few minutes later, my friend came up to me with this girl Jen right next to her, and formally introduced us. Jen asked some more random questions and finally I just grabbed her and pulled her close to me and started grinding/dancing with her (there was very loud music playing and having a conversation in that setting was stupid). After about 5 minutes I started getting more sexual with the dancing. I started to grab her ass and she never really pulled away or objected to it. So I thought to myself, "well things are going pretty okay, I might as well just go for something more."

So I kissed her. She let me kiss her but pulled away after about 3 seconds into the kiss. The song ended very shortly after and she said, "I have to go to the bathroom." She left and was nowhere to be found. I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

Like I said, this happened a few weeks ago, and then I went on winter break. I just got back to school recently. I saw her again in school (she goes to the same school that I do) and pretty much didn't even acknowledge me as we walked past each other. I made eye contact and was getting ready to say hi but I got a weird vibe from her.

Where did I go wrong? I would guess that I might have taken things too fast with the kiss. I guess I should just go and talk to her next time she's in the hallway and see how things go?

 

[Iceberg]

What did you do wrong? Probably nothing.

I'd blame her before I blamed you. Maybe she had a boyfriend. Maybe she's just a natural flirt. Maybe she's just a loser. Who knows.

I don't think you should blame yourself every time something doesn't work out. Chicks are naturally flaky. You did your part.

 

[JLW]

What did you do wrong? Probably nothing.

I'd blame her before I blamed you. Maybe she had a boyfriend. Maybe she's just a natural flirt. Maybe she's just a loser. Who knows.

I don't think you should blame yourself every time something doesn't work out. Chicks are naturally flaky. You did your part.

Maybe you're right. I guess after being on this forum for a while, it's my first instinct to see what I can do to improve, when a lot of the time certain things (like other people's abnormal actions) are beyond my control.

I'll talk to her next time I see her in the hallway and I'll be able to gauge pretty quickly if she's interested or not. I'll give an update if/when I talk to her.

 

[NoCommitments]

Yea she might just be a wackadoo...the only advice I have is to not seem to angst on sex & kissing in those types of situations because kissing is a treasure to women..its their gold. And if u give it up too quick well then the digging is done for the day. That's only sometimes sometimes
Other times, if u guage it well, they want kissing, sex & all that jazz but u have to be in tune with that...cause some of these chicks will go around a room & make out with multiple guys..I thnk its their way of being wild without being a *****. Guys r left with their d*cks in their hands like 'huh? I thought I was gonna *** tonight, not by myself this time'
So in time you'll learn to guage the chick& not waste ur time

 

[JLW]

I'm usually pretty good at gauging girl's interest. I can't exactly pin-point what it is that made me think that she was interested, but at the time, i just KNEW she was into it. It's not really something that can easily be explained, and it's not like anything is verbalized, but you just get that certain vibe from a girl. It seems that I was wrong with this one. So that's why I'm kinda surprised.

Who knows. Maybe she's just shy. I'll find out soon enough when I see her and chat her up in school.

 

[Chickfight]

I feel like you just messed up to push pull push pull dynamic. You know, two steps forward one step back. What you did was you pulled at first, but then you just kept pushing pushing pushing. Things you could have done to make the progression smoother are:

-Interrupt the dancing by going to the bathroom or saying hi to friend telling her you'll be back. When you actually come back start the ass grabbing, she'll be way more into it.

-When you eventually kissed her, pull away first.

These two small pulls could have made you that much more succesful.

 

[JLW]

I agree with you Chickfight. She was REALLY interested at first. At first I kind of ignored her (I wasn't trying to game her or anything, i was just preoccupied with other stuff going on at the party). This made her even more interested to the point where she made a mutual friend introduce us.

This is where I should have danced with her, MAYBE done a little grab-ass, and then walked away. Maybe re-unite later on in the night and go for the kiss. But you're right, I didn't build up enough temptation/anticipation.

We'll see if I can salvage it. We won't know for sure if it's a total failure or not until I actually talk to her. It could just as easily be that she's shy. She was born in Asia (wealthy Thai family) so it's entirely possible that she's not used to guys coming on that strong. I mean, I was grabbing her ass within 3 minutes of getting her name...

At any rate, it was a good learning experience. No matter how interested a girl seems, don't get overzealous and show too much interest. It kills anticipation and attraction.

 

[HolyG]

Some girls pull when you push and push when you pull

 

[Igetit!]

Where did I go wrong?

Where did you go wrong? Well most likely,I'd say about right here....

I would guess that I might have taken things too fast with the kiss.

.


There,and probably here too....

I mean, I was grabbing her ass within 3 minutes of getting her name...

I mean think about it man,your friend brought this girl up to you and "formally" introduced her to you,then three seconds later,you have your hand on her @ss? I mean what did you expect her to do,lay down on her back and spread her legs in the middle of the dancefloor?



She probably felt like a piece of meat. She didn't feel like she was a PERSON you were interested in,just pair of boobs and @ss to grab.


She probably felt interchangeable,like she could have walked out of the party,another girl could have come in and taken her place,and you would have went right on kissin',and @ss grabbin',and never had known she was even gone.

It was like you didn't care anything about HER,you just wanted any girl there to kiss and feel on.



It's A.C.S./ATTRACTION,COMFORT,SEDUCTION. You skipped/rushed through the comfort stage.

Just because she's giving you IOIs doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you THAT INSTANT,lol.

After about 5 minutes I started getting more sexual with the dancing. I started to grab her ass and she never really pulled away or objected to it. So I thought to myself, "well things are going pretty okay, I might as well just go for something more."

So I kissed her. She let me kiss her but pulled away after about 3 seconds into the kiss. The song ended very shortly after and she said, "I have to go to the bathroom." She left and was nowhere to be found. I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

Yeah,you made her feel uncomfortable,you skipped the comfort,and activated her ASD/anti-slvt defense. That's bad dude. That means that just THE THOUGHT of you makes her feel uncomfortable.


This girl so wanted to get away from you that she lied and climbed out the bathroom window,lol. She didn't return to where you were because she didn't want you to start back groping her.

Like I said, this happened a few weeks ago, and then I went on winter break. I just got back to school recently. I saw her again in school (she goes to the same school that I do) and pretty much didn't even acknowledge me as we walked past each other. I made eye contact and was getting ready to say hi but I got a weird vibe from her.

So you were going to say "hi",but you got a weird vibe from her.

Hmm..... You think it might have anything to do with you grabbing her ass 2 seconds after learning her name?



JLW,you came off as a horndog,like a horny,sex crazed teenager. Women want a MAN,not some dude who's CONTROLLED by his d!ck.



They ALREADY KNOW we want sex. Kissing her and grabbing her @ss would have come in time,so that's not the issue. The issue was kissing and grabbing her @ss after knowing her all of 4 minutes.



If she'd have went along with what you did,you'd have thought she was a slvt,and YOU KNOW IT. And you know what else? SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN that you thought that as well.




This is probably a done deal. What you did is probably as hard as the friendzone to overcome.



Well not that hard,but hard nonetheless.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

There was this cute girl (we'll call her Jen) who i saw at a party a few weeks ago. She approached me and asked me some random questions and kept touching my arms/shoulders/body in a pretty flirty manner. I was kind of ignoring her at first for some reason, probably because I was a little buzzed and didn't really care to talk in such a loud environment.

A few minutes later, my friend came up to me with this girl Jen right next to her, and formally introduced us. Jen asked some more random questions and finally I just grabbed her and pulled her close to me and started grinding/dancing with her (there was very loud music playing and having a conversation in that setting was stupid). After about 5 minutes I started getting more sexual with the dancing. I started to grab her ass and she never really pulled away or objected to it. So I thought to myself, "well things are going pretty okay, I might as well just go for something more."

So I kissed her. She let me kiss her but pulled away after about 3 seconds into the kiss. The song ended very shortly after and she said, "I have to go to the bathroom." She left and was nowhere to be found. I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

Like I said, this happened a few weeks ago, and then I went on winter break. I just got back to school recently. I saw her again in school (she goes to the same school that I do) and pretty much didn't even acknowledge me as we walked past each other. I made eye contact and was getting ready to say hi but I got a weird vibe from her.

Where did I go wrong? I would guess that I might have taken things too fast with the kiss. I guess I should just go and talk to her next time she's in the hallway and see how things go?

You didn't ruin anything.

Just remain indifferent to the whole thing.

Next time you see her. Force yourself to smile and wave at her. Just give her a friendly hello and keep walking.

She may feel insecure about the whole situation. You just have to believe it was no big deal and it hasn't affected you in any way.

Women will expect you to "mirror" their thoughts of you or the situation. When you don't and show it's not a big deal it confuses them as you come off as remaining indifferent to what they thought or think of the situation and will put them at ease as you aren't "desperate" a "creeper" or "on their 'sh!t' etc. If she acts shy, defensive, or put off to you. You act the exact opposite without forcing anything on her.

Just smile, wave, and say hi next time you see her.

If she doesn't say anything. It won't matter. These chicks usually come around on their own as their guard goes down.

Example: I have one girl at work who acted like I was a "creeper" at times, even going behind my back and telling people she was "scared" that I invited her to go to a sushi lunch with me. A few people knew about it. I'd heard her telling other people from a guy I work with when I wasn't there.

I never said anything to anyone about it.

A few days later she (with no one in ear shot) asked me "Oh thanks for going to lunch with me the other day." Poor little thing didn't know I already KNEW that she went behind my back to try her AW, drama queen tactics for an ego boost at my expense with co-workers. I simply told her I was busy and never asked her again and never mentioned I knew anything to anyone there.

Now fast foward to a few months later and me remaining indifferent to the nonsense and being the same person I was before and after that situation happened....She's asked me SEVERAL times to go out and hang out with her and her friends. And I haven't. I've got other things to do.

Do I think she is an AW? Hell YES. Drama queen? Hell YES. I KNOW she won't tell anyone she's asked me to hang out many times since.

But I honestly could care less. IF I decide to hang out with her and her friends it will be them meeting me where I'm at. If not. No biggie.

Remain indifferent to women’s actions. It aggravates and confuses them and shows you don't need them and they aren't in as high demand as they think they are to every guy who crosses paths with them.

1) Smile.

2) wave and say hi.

3) remain indifferent, but friendly and open.

She gives you a weird look? Tell her to stop being such a dork, laugh and keep walking.

This stuff is really simple.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

There was this cute girl (we'll call her Jen) who i saw at a party a few weeks ago. She approached me and asked me some random questions and kept touching my arms/shoulders/body in a pretty flirty manner. I was kind of ignoring her at first for some reason, probably because I was a little buzzed and didn't really care to talk in such a loud environment.

A few minutes later, my friend came up to me with this girl Jen right next to her, and formally introduced us. Jen asked some more random questions and finally I just grabbed her and pulled her close to me and started grinding/dancing with her (there was very loud music playing and having a conversation in that setting was stupid). After about 5 minutes I started getting more sexual with the dancing. I started to grab her ass and she never really pulled away or objected to it. So I thought to myself, "well things are going pretty okay, I might as well just go for something more."

So I kissed her. She let me kiss her but pulled away after about 3 seconds into the kiss. The song ended very shortly after and she said, "I have to go to the bathroom." She left and was nowhere to be found. I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

Like I said, this happened a few weeks ago, and then I went on winter break. I just got back to school recently. I saw her again in school (she goes to the same school that I do) and pretty much didn't even acknowledge me as we walked past each other. I made eye contact and was getting ready to say hi but I got a weird vibe from her.

Where did I go wrong? I would guess that I might have taken things too fast with the kiss. I guess I should just go and talk to her next time she's in the hallway and see how things go?

You didn't ruin anything.

Just remain indifferent to the whole thing.

Next time you see her. Force yourself to smile and wave at her. Just give her a friendly hello and keep walking.

She may feel insecure about the whole situation. You just have to believe it was no big deal and it hasn't affected you in any way.

Women will expect you to "mirror" their thoughts of you or the situation. When you don't and show it's not a big deal it confuses them as you come off as remaining indifferent to what they thought or think of the situation and will put them at ease as you aren't "desperate" a "creeper" or "on their 'sh!t' etc. If she acts shy, defensive, or put off to you. You act the exact opposite without forcing anything on her.

Just smile, wave, and say hi next time you see her.

If she doesn't say anything. It won't matter. These chicks usually come around on their own as their guard goes down.

Example: I have one girl at work who acted like I was a "creeper" at times, even going behind my back and telling people she was "scared" that I invited her to go to a sushi lunch with me. A few people knew about it. I'd heard her telling other people from a guy I work with when I wasn't there.

I never said anything to anyone about it.

A few days later she (with no one in ear shot) asked me "Oh thanks for going to lunch with me the other day." Poor little thing didn't know I already KNEW that she went behind my back to try her AW, drama queen tactics for an ego boost at my expense with co-workers. I simply told her I was busy and never asked her again and never mentioned I knew anything to anyone there.

Now fast foward to a few months later and me remaining indifferent to the nonsense and being the same person I was before and after that situation happened....She's asked me SEVERAL times to go out and hang out with her and her friends. And I haven't. I've got other things to do.

Do I think she is an AW? Hell YES. Drama queen? Hell YES. I KNOW she won't tell anyone she's asked me to hang out many times since.

But I honestly could care less. IF I decide to hang out with her and her friends it will be them meeting me where I'm at. If not. No biggie.

Remain indifferent to women’s actions. It aggravates and confuses them and shows you don't need them and they aren't in as high demand as they think they are to every guy who crosses paths with them.

1) Smile.

2) wave and say hi.

3) remain indifferent, but friendly and open.

She gives you a weird look? Tell her to stop being such a dork, laugh and keep walking.

This stuff is really simple.

 

[piday314]

I could see the whole situation play out with my own eyes. You came on too strong dude. Grabbing her butt on the first day? No one by a downright ho is going to be cool with that. You had this baby and you came on way too strong. Even if you were just drunk and horny and it was so loud that it would have been dumb to make flirtatious conversation, none of that matters.

If you're going to get physical with a girl like that within the first hour, think of it as an all-in approach with a low success rate. Better to take it slow and steady with women.

 

[JLW]

If she'd have went along with what you did,you'd have thought she was a slvt,and YOU KNOW IT. And you know what else? SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN that you thought that as well.

This is a very good point. Igetit, thanks for the harsh (yet totally true) words.

Thanks everyone else for the advice, as well. I kind of already knew on some level that this is where I went wrong, but I wasn't quite able to articulate it as well as you guys did.

I'll keep you guys posted. I'll most likely see her at some point this week.

1) Smile.

2) wave and say hi.

3) remain indifferent, but friendly and open.

When should I ask for the number? I'm assuming that it would depend on the interaction that we're having? Obviously if she doesn't stop to talk then I won't ask for the #.... I'm kind of at odds here because most of the DJ bible says to act quickly. However this is a different situation because I came on too strong initially, so asking for the number during the first interaction (assuming it isnt weird) may also seem a bit forward...

I really hate over-analyzing this crap. I think I should just forget this whole "strategizing" thing and see how things pan out.

 

[Igetit!]

Originally Posted by Naughty Ninja
1) Smile.

2) wave and say hi.

3) remain indifferent, but friendly and open.

When should I ask for the number? I'm assuming that it would depend on the interaction that we're having?

It does depend on the kind of interaction you have. The thing is this though...after the way you behaved towards her at the party,and the weird/uncomfortable vibe she directed at you when you last tried to speak to her,I'd be surprised if you had any "interaction" with her AT ALL.


I'd be shocked if you were able to get her to just stand and talk with you. The thing is,she doesn't trust you. She doesn't know how you'll act or what you'll do if she gets alone with you again. You might start trying to grope her again. I don't think you will,but we're not talking about me,it's about what SHE thinks.



It's HARD to undo a first impression man.

I'm kind of at odds here because most of the DJ bible says to act quickly.

True,but I think it meant when you FIRST MEET a girl for the FIRST TIME. I don't believe it was referring to damage control or trying to correct some mistake made by the guy.

However this is a different situation because I came on too strong initially, so asking for the number during the first interaction (assuming it isnt weird) may also seem a bit forward...

I'm sorry man,but this one kind of made me laugh. Here you say that asking for the number may seem a bit forward.

You kissed this girl and grabbed her ass after knowing her less than 4 minutes. That was ok,but you say asking that for her number may seem forward??? :crackup:




Look.....you have a MOUNTAIN to overcome,and that mountain is her feelings. You can try what Naughty Ninja suggested,but I honestly think it's futile.



There's only ONE WAY I can see of you possibly turning this around,and even it's a longshot. I'll probably get blasted for saying this,but here goes anyway........



APOLOGIZE.


Yep,apologize to her. Blame it on the boose if need be. Tell her that you had a bit too much to drink and were out of line. Tell her that when you remembered what you did and how you acted,you felt STUPID and ASHAMED. Tell her that you were wrong,that you can understand her being upset or angry with you,and that you just wanted to apologize for your behavior. And really put some passion into your apology (don't cry or anything dumb like that,lol).


She HAS TO FEEL that you really mean what you say.




Then after you've said that....LEAVE. Don't ask her out. If you ask her out immediately after apologizing,it'll look like your whole apology was just a sham to get her to be interested in you again.




That's my suggestion,but honestly,it'd be a miracle if she even LETS YOU GET CLOSE ENOUGH to have a conversation to where you can say these things to her.


I just don't think she'll feel comfortable enough to chance being alone with you unless it's in public,and maybe not even then.

 

[JLW]

APOLOGIZE.

Maybe you're right. It seems like this girl is more or less an effort in futility. Since this girl is closely rooted in my social circle of very attractive girls, this seems like a reasonable plan of action.

The only reason I'm confused is because what I did to her was not all that much worse than what she was doing to me at first. I mean, she didn't grab my ass or anything, but she was most definitely doing some VERY heavy flirting on the initial contact.

That's the only reason I don't feel too compelled to apologize. I feel like I was overzealous, but I mean, what the hell did she expect? The girl is all over me touching my chest and arms asking me a bunch of inane questions clearly in an attempt to hit on me. How did she think I would react? I'll definitely agree with you that grabbing her ass was too "straightforward". But NOT ONCE did she resist. Not ONCE did she try to pull away.

You could say that she felt shy or intimidated, therefore didn't know how to exit the situation. But that would go totally against the way she was acting towards me only minutes before (heavy flirting and aggressive behavior as mentioned before).

She could have easily left at ANY point during dancing. If I really made her feel that uncomfortable, then why did she stay that long? I mean, it's not like I was holding her hostage or anything. But she chose to stay until we kissed. So yes, I came on too strong. But I don't know if it would warrant an apology.

Looking back at the situation I keep thinking to myself, "Wow, I was really out of line."

But at the actual time that it happened, it didn't feel awkward at all. She never resisted. She seemed into it. Maybe it was the alcohol talking. I was drunk, but I certainly wasn't THAT drunk. I had about 6 beers in the span of 3 hours. I was pretty with it. The kind of drunk where you are happy and loud, but not stumbling over yourself stupidly or acting out of character.

The reason for apologizing, at least for me, would be because it is the right thing to do. Not because I think it'll help me get in her pants. Even though it may actually help me do that, I still gotta retain my pride. I don't like to apologize when it is not warranted...

 

[Igetit!]

Maybe you're right. It seems like this girl is more or less an effort in futility. Since this girl is closely rooted in my social circle of very attractive girls, this seems like a reasonable plan of action.

Well that sucks. If she's in your social circle of attractive girls and is friends with them,then you know that juicy piece of gossip had probably spread like wildfire through the rest of the group,thereby possibly hurting your chances with some of those other girls.



And the friend that introduced you to this girl? He'll probably catch some flack from Jen for introducing her to you.



See how one moment of weakness can snowball and effect now only you,but others around you as well?

The only reason I'm confused is because what I did to her was not all that much worse than what she was doing to me at first. I mean, she didn't grab my ass or anything, but she was most definitely doing some VERY heavy flirting on the initial contact.

She KINOED you.

You didn't kino her,you went straight to kissing and assgrabbing.

Kissing and assgrabbing isn't kino,it's FOREPLAY.

That's a bit much for the dancefloor,especially when you've only known the person 2 or 3 minutes.

That's the only reason I don't feel too compelled to apologize. I feel like I was overzealous, but I mean, what the hell did she expect?

I don't know what she expected,but it wasn't what she got.

I'm sorry,but if she climbed out the bathroom window to get away from you,you might want to rethink your approach.

The reason for apologizing, at least for me, would be because it is the right thing to do. Not because I think it'll help me get in her pants. Even though it may actually help me do that, I still gotta retain my pride. But I don't like to apologize when it is not warranted...

Look,you're a grown man. If you don't want to apology,then don't apologize.


And what's this talk about "pride"? You "gotta retain your pride"?

Dude,she jumped out the bathroom window to get away from you,and you're talking about pride? What do you think would happen if you did apologize? To whom would you look "weak" to?


You were out of line,you did something that made her feel uncomfrtable. And you think apologizing for that means you'd loose pride?




This reminds me of a friend of mine who was once in need of financial help. She needed money in order to keep a roof over her head,and some friends of hers had offered it to her,but she turned them down. She said she wanted to make it on her own and that she "had her pride".



Then I was like,"Ok fine,then don't accept the help. You and your son might end up getting kicked out of your house and have to live in your car with nothing but the clothes on your back. You'll be outside in the wintertime,raising a child in the street,without a roof over your head.,but hey,you'll still have your pride,right?


She took the money.




If you don't want to apologize,then don't. It'll probably be best to move on anyway. My apology suggestion served a dual purpose.....


1:To show her that you're not really a hormone raged man,you were just out of line at that moment. That that's not how you normally are,and that that was out of character for you.

2:To get her to speak to you again.



If you try to just go for her WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDING how you made her feel that night,you can FORGET IT.


SHE'S NOT GOING TO TRUST BEING ALONE WITH YOU.



So if you want to just gloss over the other night and act like it never happened,then go for it,but don't expect her to do the same.

 

[JLW]

Yes. You are right.

Like I said, I feel like if she was that disturbed she could have simply left at any point in our little 5-minute dance. But she stayed 'til the end. I wasnt forcing her to stay there.

But the bottom line is that she clearly WAS uncomfortable. If she didn't mind the interaction, she wouldn't be totally ignoring me in the hallways even though I'm looking right at her trying to say hello.

By the way, she didn't climb out of the bathroom window to escape from me. She most likely just walked out the front door....A minor technicality, but I don't think she was THAT creeped out. Or at least I hope not. Sh1t.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

She thinks you're a playa now. That and you made her antislut defence shield raise to maximum.

Chill, I've come onto more girls than I can remember like this and blew my fair share of them. You need to build comfort before you go in for that ass there tiger.

 

[Let's Get Real]

You pushed too much too soon...and in front of everyone else. A woman's reputation is precious to them. She doesn't want to be known as the school slut.

Next time push and then pull before they do. Keep it to a minimum in front of other people too.