Heartbroken guy - Need some help to open up again

[thedol]

Don't know if this is right area to post but I hope it's ok - I need help

I am sure this is not the worst story ever, it's actually nothing compared to other people. I'm 27, no problems in looks or body, I'm a personal trainer and used to do fitness modelling - so all ok in those departments ;p

I broke up with my ex in January. We were together 1 year and live with each other and did everything together.

I miss her like crazy - and have even said to her to come back and we'll work it out together - to no avail.

I only think of her and only want her.

I've been approached by some girls in the last months which I just keep as friends but nothing more as I want nothing from them, and when I do see a nice girl now I totally forgot my game and confidence/words is just not there anymore.

My life since she went revolves around work and gym. Getting to a point now where I'm slowly even losing motivation at work - I just want to come home to the ex. Every single night since Jan, I've thought of her as I go to sleep and also wake up.

I go out all the time also since I broke up with her - but nothing changes.

I work abroad, in Europe - got good job - all is ok - it's just this relationship has really screwed me over. I know the only way I will get over is to find another I like but I can't open myself to approach or to do something about it.

Any tips please or how to move on and go wild again -

 

[jacob]

Bro I feel you. I'm going through something very similar. I'm sure alot of people are carrying this "cross". Peace be with you...

 

[rocket87]

It takes a long time. This has been covered a lot on the forum, and I myself have experienced it first hand.

One of the hardest things to accept is that it takes a long time. You want to practice spinning plates, trying new hobbies, going to new places, and just generally enhancing your life with others who are not your ex, but those mental roadblocks of your ex are seemingly unmovable. It's not because of some special trick... It's simply because of time.. And once you come to realize that, once you gain control over that aspect of your life - Once you see and FEEL that TIME is the only constant, things begin to change.

On the logical side of things, you do have some very serious responsibilities to engage/maintain such as deleting her from everything. phone, email, whatever.. removing pictures, anything physical that would spark memories, sh!t purchased together, etc. That is something you need to maturely organize within your life so that you can allow time to bring forth fresh opportunity.

You have it easy man, a year isn't so bad.... Imagine the people that are in excellent relationships for 8-9 years with the 'love of their life' and then it goes sour? Remember that there's others out there in the same boat as you; and *definitely* others that have it worse. You'll be okay in the long run. Let your life run it's course. You have great things awaiting you in your future.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

I've never been in a serious LTR myself, just off and on flings with girls over long periods of time.. This kind of stuff discourages me from going into LTRs which I feel is my problem.

Kudos to you for actually having the ability to do it and go through the pain of it all ending.

But like the poster above me wrote, time is constant. It will take a while to get over this, but you just gotta have fun you know? I was seeing a girl for a month exclusively and she seemed like the girl of my dreams, I was very happy I met her.. Then one day, she just found a new guy. This was about a month ago and I'm still sorta bumming over this. (Same thing as you, having a hard time approaching and making moves).

... BUT.. We all have to move on as men!

 

[Buddha_Mind]

thedol --

You're not alone man. I'm experiencing many of the same things. As perhaps it was Desdinova or some other once wrote on this forum "you are caught playing the mental highlights reel over and over in your head".

Realize that you are likely only focusing on the good things -- and the good is important to recognize -- but do not allow your mind too to turn a blind eye to some of the underlying reasons you separated.

In some ways, this forum calls it "oneitis", in a verbage that denotes a 'sickness', because truly that is what it is -- a mental sickness. I myself am fighting this too -- and in some ways this is part of life -- part of living and loving is also losing. Take the lessons from your loss and learn from them. There is another woman out there who would like to be with someone like you -- this last person you shared good times with yes, but don't forget too about the conflict -- and know that you deserve a better relationship and a better future.

There are guys on this forum who are happy in their LTRs and marriages. It will take some time to rebound and rebuild. But don't lose faith in yourself or life itself -- there is still much on the horizon. These sorts of losses are part of the maturation process -- and you will be steps and leaps wiser in your next LTR.

Life can be a very big b.itch sometimes -- I was just reading today about a woman's group in the area for grieving family's who've lost their children, etc. There are many many many people who deal with loss of all sorts. Losing an LTR with someone you really loved is a loss. There is grief and real pain and there is a process to that. But know you aren't alone brother, lots of people in this world lose some of that which they care about, but the beauty in relationship is we have the choice to learn and bring something new and better. Something women in that grief group, for example, have no choice in.

Let time continue to pass -- take new opportunities even begrudgingly if so. Don't let yourself harden -- there are new women on your horizon, I promise you this although right now it seems impossible to see or understand or fathom.

 

[Yo'Mama]

YOU broke up with her though. Why?

Not that I don't understand. I broke up with my ex of 7 years - actually it was kind of mutual. She wanted to get married and I didn't so we finished things.

I'm still far from over it, I don't think I ever really will be.

 

[mustfirstregister]

Sorry to tell you this but she is right now getting anal from a black dude.

 

[l e g e n d a r y]

I only think of her and only want her.

You need to realize that its not the exact girl that you miss, its actually just certain parts of her personality/looks that combined made you feel a certain way. If you get out there and meet new women its only a matter of time before you meet someone with all the same qualities you like (maybe less of the things you didn't) and you'll be able to move forward. Good luck man.

 

[thedol]

It sucks when they actually do, do alot for you too - in terms of giving love - also I did way more for her then any guy did for her and I did for another girl - and all those loving words and promises were made by both of us - feels like "betrayal" or some ****

My life now is spent in the gym and work - trying to find some kind of business idea I can do to get away from it and explore something new

So hard, sometimes I'm motivated for stuff, sometimes not - it's like up and down every other day

Now is the time, 2 years ago when we first met and I moreless first came to this country too for my job so guess it's hitting me again now coz of that

I don't want to have this feeling anymore, it's been like 8 months, I just want to progress - I think the only thing I can say that has been positive out of all of this is my progress in the gym, really developed and had offers from fitness magazines to appear but that's all and it's not enough for me

People say time is the only thing - it's been 8 months and I feel the same as the 1st month ;p

 

[thedol]

You need to realize that its not the exact girl that you miss, its actually just certain parts of her personality/looks that combined made you feel a certain way. If you get out there and meet new women its only a matter of time before you meet someone with all the same qualities you like (maybe less of the things you didn't) and you'll be able to move forward. Good luck man.

I agree with this and few people have said this to me. It's just the way we met, way we bonded so quickly and moved in together so soon, feel really "unique"

Some people say it was a mistake how we did too - we moved in with each other within 2 months of being together ;p

It was just one of those unique style of getting to know someone - then after that we spent everyday together until that moment we split.

 

[tafakna]

Thedol,

High levels of oxytocin (and low levels of serotonin can last as long as 2-3 years, but usually it lasts much less. They pretty much are the responsible hormone and neurotransmitter for obsessive thinking and the 'certainty' that the person was unique. It will get better with time.

Just for future reference, in psychology, is a known fact that prenuptial cohabiting is not the right formula for lasting relationships. It's just that a divorce requires a lot more energy than to move out, so couples are forced to work out their problems.

 

[thedol]

How is it that guys can be the type of of obsessive thinking and they were the unique one and girls can just block that **** off and pretend nothing even happened? I've seen it loads of times

Yesterday went out on my first mini date with a chick who I moved on in the gym and just invited her out and she came along. I'm tired of being sad and just want to do everything I can now, loads of people say to me if they were me they would be an animal -.-

 

[SgtSplacker]

Dude the brain is a muscle, if you let your self keep thinking about her then your brain will keep repeating those thought patterns. As soon as you think about her just stop, blank your brain and go do something else. Go get a glass of water, check your email, walk outside and look at the day, clean something in your home, rearrange something in your home, play a game of "words with friends". Get the idea? Learn how to meditate, try to silence your brain for 20 seconds, I bet you cant. Meditation is awesome when you are going through mental struggles like this. Learn to meditate and you can more easily just blank your mind until something else occupies it. Thats what I do, the only thing is that you are quickly conditioning yourself not to think about her. So you kinda have to resolve things in your head first then train.

 

[thedol]

I agree Sgt - I'm trying. When I think of her I quickly stop ... I feel sad not to think of her, I think I should've made it work but then I have to stop that. It's not so bad, I know I got to move on other girls then all will be ok - I havn't approached any girl in that way since I broke with her - just always friends and easy but nothing sexual ... which I will change.

 

[Yuma]

Okay, first -

mustfirstregister? Wrong approach, dude. Not necessary, and needlessly cruel.

Second -

The first thing you need to do is except that something, somewhere, went wrong enough for either one of you to end the relationship. The best way to get over these things is to go what's called "no contact" for a while. Probably a month. That's the "cool down" period. That will give the both of you time to think and get your lives back in order to where you can function without the other one.

DURING THIS TIME, you need to be out as much as possible, living your life. Go to new places, make new friends, approach new women (regardless of whether or not you sleep with them or see them again outside of the approach). This is YOU TIME. Take advantage of it.

Ex's always come back. That's just science. You don't have anything to miss, because you went through it.

If you're thinking this is something that's done too much damage to fix, read my post "Chicks Dig Scars".

My ex-fiance of a year and a half and I split not too long ago. Sh*t nearly killed me. I was a wreck. But, through time and good friends, and actively taking control of my depression and life by doing lots of reading and learning how to find passion in the things I love (things I love, and people I loved, before HER), I found how to live without her.

Life goes on. Things were beautiful before her, and they will be without her.

Best of luck, mate.


And seriously - that "oh, that's fine. she's fvcking someone else now" attitude you'll get here is bullsh*t. Ignore it. It's meant to distance you and make you bitter from your ex. It's crap. Seriously ignore it. Don't think about it, or you'll start to associate sex with negativity and that will fvck up your game in ways you can't control.

 

[thedol]

Yuma, when you were dating before your "Special one" what was your game, what was your approach? Anyone you liked the look of you would approach with what type of line or behavior?

And now after her what are you doing? The same you did before you met her? And your happy now?

 

[vatoloco]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1761930&postcount=19

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ST3YffQ4KE

 

[pdx1138]

Instead of thinking of all the great things you shared, you need to focus on all the bad things.....every time you think of her.

When my ex creeps into my mind I go there. It reminds me why I left her in the first place, then I get angry and get her out of my mind.

 

[Yuma]

Yuma, when you were dating before your "Special one" what was your game, what was your approach? Anyone you liked the look of you would approach with what type of line or behavior?

And now after her what are you doing? The same you did before you met her? And your happy now?

I was more of a PUA than a DJ, but I've learned to be comfortable combining the two. Then when I met her, I dropped the four girls I was sleeping with and retired. Yeah - if I wanted to sleep with a girl, I approached. That's how sh*t gets done. I used a lot of Mystery Method back then. Really working on developing my own system now. Trial and error, buddy - that's how the game is played.

I'm happy enough, I think. New area, new people, new opportunities. I took myself as far from the bullsh*t as possible to make sure I can start new without anything tailing behind me. I needed that. But, yeah - out of retirement and back in the game in a major way.

You'll most likely find yourself in a rut soon, if the relationship was really that special. All you have to do is find what works for you, bust that rut, and reclaim your life. She left a hole - fill it with everything positive you can.

 

[thedol]

Ok cool - thanks Yuma

I think I've done the rut thing and now I'm in the process of being positive. Got lots of things going for me, just need to fill that hole that keeps coming to mind ;p

My "fear" right now is, when I approach a chick - just don't know what to come out with in first few lines. Hello/How are you or go straight to busting on her on something I can find...what if I can't find anything ;p

Why you wearing Red Pants? It's distracting etc etc - too lame