Heartbreak Survivor, Episode I, Part 1: The Return of the User

[Survivor]

"THE ADVENTURES OF THE HEARTBREAK SURVIVOR"

EPISODE I, PART I: "THE RETURN OF THE USER"

Greetings, fellow DJs.

I am the Heartbreak Survivor. And yes, I too have low self confidence. For years I have consistently broken my own heart, supplicating to beautiful females whose interests were never mutual. I've had 3 girlfriends. All needy. None of the relationships lasted 3 months. Since discovering this forum I've made efforts to talk to beautiful strangers, only to discover that I lack the courage to even make the initial eye contact and approach.

I consider this discovery a blessing. I made a vow to no longer lust after women, to see them for who they really are. I redirected my focus toward improving my own self-perception. I now do volunteer work, lift weights, manage my own dot com business and prepare for my upcoming graduation in EE. I remain busy that so my mind doesn't wander and dwell on past failures. When I talk to attractive female friends, I now force myself to focus on their words and actions, not their bodies and not my lust, all while keeping my cool. I've learned that celibacy starts in the mind, and is a powerful exercise in mental discipline. I'm still not confident yet to approach strangers and ask for phone numbers, but that's no longer my primary goal. My goal now is to be happy and successful in my own life, independant of whether women are attracted to me or not. For the last few months I've been doing well...feeling better about myself....but then yesterday while I was at home talking with a business partner...the phone rang...it was..THE USER. (dum,dum,dum)

I should have known she would eventually call. I had intentionally stopped calling her for the past three months. She probably had an argument or broke up with some guy and was looking for a sucker to stroke her ego. Feeling ****y, I decided to call her bluff. For the first time, I, THE HEARTBREAK SURVIVOR, would challenge THE USER. (dum,dum,dum)

USER: Hey Survivor! Long time no hear from! You know who this is huh?

Survivor: Yeah user, I know its you. I'm about to go get some coffee this evening. Wanna join me?

USER: Sorry I can't. I have to work this evening. How about tomorrow.

Survivor: Sure. I'll call you at 1:00 to make plans.

CRUSHING DEFEAT. I TOOK ON THE USER, AND LOST. THE USER STILL GOT THE EGO BOOST SHE WANTED.

After hanging up, I was kicking myself. First, I made the mistake of letting her know that I knew who she was when I should have played dumb. Second, I agreed to another time for the coffee date when I should have held my ground. Lastly, When I said that I would call for a date that should have rejected in the first place, I told her specifically when I would call!

Screw ups all around! To make those many mistakes in a matter of less than 30 seconds was devasting to my confidence. Even after all the work I put into improving myself, I still let my emotions cloud my better judgement. I guess old habits die hard.

The good thing is that I did call her today at 10:00 to cancel the coffee date. But that doesn't excuse the fact that I choked in the 4th quarter at crunch time.

Milesman, AD, Adonis, Don Juanita, anybody, please help. I need input from my fellow Don Juans so that this episode doesn't end in failure. What is it that I'm doing wrong. What am I missing? How can I supplement the efforts that I'm presently making so that I don't crack under pressure again?

.......TO BE CONTINUED.

 

[Adonis]

You are on the right track. Redirecting your focus from getting women to yourself and your self-confidence is a perfectly good start. Don't sweat too much if you think you've made mistakes by giving in to her(user) want's. You are a person and you have feelings, of course you are going to be as supporting and as "nice" as you can be to her. Self improvement and building up self confidence doesn't happen overnight so forgive yourself for the little blunders that you may stumble upon.

You can't blame her(user) for seeking you when she encounters her own problems. She doesn't realize about all the things she is doing. She looked for you because you were the supporting shoulders that she could cry on when she was down(Note: don't be her shoulders to cry on).

You can't change who you "really" are Survivor - you the "nice guy". You can only incorporate certain attitudes and outlooks to yourself to protect you from persons such as her.

You are not doing anything wrong. Just because you are going through some self improvement doesn't mean you don't have any feelings. Part of you still clings on to her(the old you) and sometimes you give in. But knowing what you know now, you are able to defend yourself from all her offenses. Cancelling the coffee date with her the next morning is proof of it. You can stand up to her and are able to stand up to her! Don't you see it? (even if it took you a while).......... You're on your way. Keep up the good work..

 

[Anti-Dump]

You made only one mistake.

Now that you know how to be a Don Juan from reading this site, you think you can change a past disinterested woman into an interested one. Can't be done.

You can't start going back to all your old girlfriends and start doing the Don Juan stuff on them. They are all DEAD cases.

It's not like Karate. You can't go back to the bullies and show them who is king.

Your old girlfriends will always think of you as a loser. You can never change that.

You should have said to her "Who's this? I don't know any Amy." That would have been the new Don Juan inside of you talking.

Don't call her. Let her get your answering machine. Fight fire with fire. Give her a beautiful taste of her own nonsense.

He,he,he,he!!!!!

Anti-Dump

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Survivor:
"THE ADVENTURES OF THE HEARTBREAK SURVIVOR"


Screw ups all around! To make those many mistakes in a matter of less than 30 seconds was devasting to my confidence. Even after all the work I put into improving myself, I still let my emotions cloud my better judgement. I guess old habits die hard.

That's not old habits at work...that's your heart at work...going soft again for someone who has screwed you up before...I have been through it...I understand how that feeling sucks when you get screwed again!..You gotta be cruel to her to be kind to yourself!

 

[Survivor]

Originally posted by AD:
"You made only one mistake.
Now that you know how to be a Don Juan from reading this site, you think you can change a past disinterested woman into an interested one. Can't be done.
You can't start going back to all your old girlfriends and start doing the Don Juan stuff on them. They are all DEAD cases.
It's not like Karate. You can't go back to the bullies and show them who is king.
Your old girlfriends will always think of you as a loser. You can never change that."

AD,

I get what you're saying. At the time, I was trying to "use the user" per se, using the instant coffee date tactic in hopes that she would view me as a challenge. This was wrong.

I should have told her that I had company, (which I did) and couldn't talk to her and that I would call her back WHEN I HAD THE TIME. (of which I never will.)

Am I correct?

 

[Crazyman]

An alternative could be NO i am busy on that day.

You are going in the right direction

 

[Survivor]

Adonis,AD,Marauder,Crazyman:

Thanks for the input, fellas. I'll apply these principles whenever I come across THE USER again or any other ex. Most importantly, I hope posting this helps out other guys going through the same thing I am.

Be on the lookout for "RETURN OF THE USER, PART II" coming soon...

 

[Robert Jordon]

I remember reading in a psychology book, that the reason why we feel so strong and so confident before an event takes place is because we are living from a confident part of our selves. But as soon as that girl calls us, or bumps into us in the mall. That trigers something in the subconcios mind that causes us to be a temporarily different person so to speak. (I can't remember the correct terminology) And that person which we temporarily "change" to lacks confidence and can think of nothing but getting the girl into bed.

The only way you can maintain your confidence is to be aware of everything your doing when that moment arrises. When she phones you, you have to be aware of how your mind is operating. Watch yourself as you begin losing control,then pull yourself together. Come awake to your enviroment and be aware of yourself. Be aware of the situation at hand. Like you said survivor, you knew exactly what you should have said, but at that present moment you were like a zombie. Didn't it seem like another personality overcame you? Thats why after you hung up the phone, you clicked back into your "regular self" and you were then able to look back at the situation and it because so clear that you made many mistakes.

So the thing to keep in mind is this: When she calls, just be aware of how your mind operates. Think and be aware before you speak and the words will come out perfectly .


Rob,



------------------
The Difference Between Winning and Losing, Is Knowing...

 

[Anti-Dump]

Originally posted by Survivor:



I should have told her that I had company, (which I did) and couldn't talk to her and that I would call her back WHEN I HAD THE TIME. (of which I never will.)

Am I correct?

That would have been perfect!

I see what you mean about 'using the user'. That is very tricky.
You have to stay emotionally detached. I have never done it.

But I know you have to be an expert to do it. I might try it sometime for the experience. It doesn't seem worth it though. To return to someone who dumped you.
Yuck.

Anti-Dump

 

[Blue-eyed Devil]

you're on the right track survivor. i've been in the exact spot, a couple times actually. i would do the same thing, follow my heart initially and then kick myself for it afterwards. the only way to handle it is to learn from you mistakes and maintain your focus. nobody said getting over a sh!tty relationship was easy, especially if you really care for the user. keep your head up and don't let yourself get down. use whatever distractions or self-improvements that are appropriate. eventually you'll be laughing at the time you actually agreed to see your ex and get coffee (i know cuz i laugh every single time i think about the last time i did it).

BTW, one ex in particular can still arouse those powerful negative emotions in me from time to time, so don't expect to be immune so quickly.

devil

[This message has been edited by Blue-eyed Devil (edited 08-24-2000).]

 

[SoSuave.com]

bump

 

[DonJoey]

In using the user (sort of - more like giving some of her medicine back), one thing i've done to do that is this.
This girl I was in love with (when i was younger and my heart more stupid) moved to another city to be with her new boyfriend.
And she keeps calling me to be her shoulder to cry on, which I refuse to be, so I dont give her any constructive help - she complains about her boyfriend I say "Its your problem". And change the subject.
She keeps asking when I'm gonna go visit them, so I give her the same runaround she gave me, I tell her i'll be there as soon as i'm not booked out (her words), I also tell her i'll call to arrange things (I dont - never call her), I tell her i'll be able to visit in Easter - she gets her hopes high, and then I dont even bother calling to cancel, I dont show up. (and this has been happening for a year now)
But like a chump that SHE is, she keeps calling...she's like a female nice guy and I couldnt give a rats a$$.
I also dont tell her anything, but at the same time, tell her how great things are for me now, how successful I am in business and life and how I couldnt be happier. And that's all that matters.
If you're lucky, she'll get out of your life for good, if you're like me, for some reason she still hangs around.

[This message has been edited by DonJoey (edited 08-09-2001).]

 

[SoSuave.com]

bump

 

[Survivor]

Wow!

Its been a year and a half since I posted this.

I now live 500 miles away from the User, and will never see or hear from her again. I'm happy in a LTR with a wonderful girl does none of the things that the User did.

Its good sometimes to look back at my old posts and be thankful for the experiences that made me a wiser and better man.

 

[Squy]

sweet! do you mind if i bump this one?

 

[Fu Fu]

Bump!