Originally posted by Cougar10033
This chick that i just recently starting hanging out with has a ton of guy friends... While hanging out with her last night she brought up that shes going to a halloween party at some of her guy friends apt, that one of her guy friends is flying her and her friend out to purdue for a football game.... now i played it all off pretty good... i laughed and said must me nice to have guy friends that buy you everything and threw her a wink she smiled and laughed... SO far things are going good with the 2 of us and im being extra dilegent with staying out of the friend zone with her... DO any of the experts have any pointers ?
You have several problems here.
First of all, remember that when you see this strong a pattern (guys flying her around) it's' because she's damn good at what she does: Extract favors from men who she may or may not sleep with. What does this mean? It's a learned behavior.
She has learned that something she is doing gets her flown around to see Purdue games. I will bet dimes to doughnuts that she only came to this realization after a ton of practice.
In short, you are in for a long ride probably. This is pattern behavior and its very hard to break at a late age. I'm going to assume you're up for it.
Many of the posters in here who suggest negs are correct. You have some pretty clear goals here:
1. Make the alternatives less desired.
2. Distinguish yourself from the crowd and make yourself desired.
Really, you're kind of competing against a bunch of boyfriends here. You have to destroy each of them, to the extent you can. There's a lot of existing material on extracting her wants and desires out there already. I won't belabor it here. You need to establish these and start pointing out creative (but subtle) ways in which these various "friends" fail to meet those standards.
She wants someone who puts her first? Then the response to "He's flying me down to Purdue for the game!" is:
"Oh, well it will be nice that he can be with his friends and still manage to see you at the same time then!"
She wants someone who "is a provider?"
"Bob bought me a necklace. See?"
"Oh? How's that working for you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Having men around to buy you random trinkets?"
"Just fine, actually." *cross look*
"Good for you then!" *sincere looking smile*
(I love the "How's that working for you" gambit. It brings up all the doubts).
I can't list all the options here, just make sure that you put some thought into this. You can't go OVER the line on these AFCs that are showering her with gifts, then you are blatantly attacking her "friends." That's the path to ruin. Instead, you have to arouse HER doubts. That's best done with a sort of "Well, whatever works for ya," thing.
"Rich got World Series tickets and I'm invited?"
"Oh, did one of his friends cancel at the last minute?" *Sincere interest look*
"NO!" *cross look* *pause* "Rich LOVES me!"
"Oh. Ok. Whatever works for ya!" *sincere smile*
(The pause is when you know you need to lay off. That's the gears grinding).
"Tom must really think I'm cute. He bought me a toe ring!"
"Well sure! Whatever helps you sleep at night." *sincere smile*
*pause* *opens mouth to speak*
"Ok, I'm going to grab a bite with some friends. See ya!"
The whole key is to be decidedly unimpressed with the attention she's getting. The less respect you give it the less social proof her attention gets.
This is an important point.
Social proof works two ways. 1. It establishes credibility for the PUA. (Traditional Social Proof) 2. It establishes self-esteem for the HB. (External Social Proof).
NEVER underestimate self esteem as a motivator, and the removal of it as a deterrent.
If all her friends fawn over the ring, great! She's golden! It's self-assuring social proof. If you cast doubt on the gifts she gets, you by extension cast doubt on the giver and the act of the gift. You can also cleverly cast doubt on the opinions of her friends on all these gifts.
"Cindy thinks my ring is great! So there!"
"Well, I'm glad Cindy is such a good friend to support you that way. Forget I said anything."
This gets them all tied up. She "knows" Cindy is a good friend, but now the better a friend Cindy is, the less likely Cindy is to actually say "That ring sucks." Use this. It is a very subtle and very effective weapon.
"Cindy thinks it's great that I'm going to Purdue."
"Well, I bet Cindy wishes she was going."
If you don't get a really dumb look out of this as she tries to get her arms around it, then she missed it.
There's always:
"Cindy thinks it's great that I'm going to Purdue."
"Well, since Cindy thinks so, that's fine then." *sincere look*
(This is part of Mystery's "Who's in Charge here?" bit applied to the diminishment of external social proof for the HB).
So far:
You've worked on attacking the value of her reality. Your alternative means nothing unless its better than her current options so dumb them down.
The gifts she is getting are just trinkets. (You would NEVER lower yourself to try and ply her with such costume baubles).
She is getting them for the wrong reasons. (This revolves around demonstrating that she's merely convenient for these many friends, not a focus of interest- the World Series Example).
Her friends aren't being straight with her. They are secretly skeptical of the gifts and trips and prizes, but are too duplicitous to say anything about it.
If you've done your job then you've dismembered the latticework of connections that keep her thinking that the current state of affairs is "Cool."
Next, you have to prove your own value.
Of course, to do that you have to do all the typical stuff. Make yourself rare. Freeze her a bit. "Nope, we're not doing that. I'm headed out with Phil and Cindy."
You know the drill here, or should by now. Establish and demonstrate superior value.
