Having a hard time (EX)

[simple_wish]

I recently split with my LTR of 5 years. I'm not really sure on what i'm to do..it's been over 2 months.

Like an idiot I said that i'd remain friends with her...but in reality I never really contacted her...she contacted me periodically and I'd make myself available to talk.

Much recently she's been calling me to ask for help may it be with her computer or to answer a question that could be answered by any of her friends...I've run out of conversation now...It seems that I no longer have anything to say to her but I cannot summon the courage to tell her to let me be.

I sent her personal belongings back to her via mail and she wasn't happy with me doing so...she replied to me and said "thanks for the keys..so much for getting together for a coffee"

I called her and flipped on her saying that I have no obligation towards her or neither does she towards me. she shouldn't of been upset at the fact that i returned her stuff as i did not want any constant reminders of her.

I've been hanging out with friends and doing as much as possible to get the girl off my mind...but recently I was at a club and ran into basically all of her friends in the club...It was a painful reminder of the past.

I need some serious help and would love to move on with my life.

 

[NewMan]

Your doing all of the right things.

No contact.

No running into her. (as much as you can).

There is no easy fix.

Time.

Just don't get sucked back in. Making yourself available for her is a mistake as well.

It's better to just rip that bandage off, rather than painfully remove it a little at a time.

 

[simple_wish]

Thanks guys for the advice.

She lives about 30 mins away from where I live so it'll be very seldom if..i even run into her.

Her parent's live in the same town as me but it's not like travel through her area frequently.

What get's me is when I have talked to her in the past she got upset at the fact that I don't call her anymore and it just so happened that my cell phone got disconnected from our conversation. I joked and said that my phone is programmed to disconnect on you oafter 2 mins...she got upset...I reminded her that if she doesn't like my sense of humour then she doesn't have to remain on the call with me.

I've put all of the memories of her in a box...and it's in a closet...the next logical step is to hit the trash.

When we split she put the majority of the blame towards me..and it was gutwrenching to hear that..basicallly saying that she was under high stress for 2 years and it had to end....this led me to ask her on the last conversation we had...basically she portrayed me as a monster and why would she want to remain fiends with the monster who ruined her last 2 years....I will agree i was an AFC at the begining of our term but then grew nuts during the relationship.

though it is painful...how would of this been if I did propose/marry her...i'm better off going through this then settling down with the wrong girl.

 

[NewMan]

Your last statement is dead on.

Worry not how you were with her.

The rest of your life is ahead of you.

 

[cave dweller]

turkey........

Hey,

I came out of a 4 year LTR in October.......

You have to 'cut your losses', break it off with her 'cold turkey' and move the hell on.

BTW, you CAN NOT BE FRIENDS......................

cave dweller

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Interesting how she'd consider going out for coffee with a 'monster' though,..

Sorry, couldn't resist,..

I concur, you're going about it the right way. Conventional wisdom says that it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over a relationship. I don't know how true that is, but it's at least a gauge to know when to feel better. You've still got 3 months and it doesn't sound like you're back-sliding.

 

[simple_wish]

I really appreciate everyone's feedback!

Truth is that each passing day..i am begining to think less of her but it seems that she likes to ensure bi-weekly that she contacts me may it be email or telephone...

She's sly at the same time calling me from her work number as it is a number I am unfamiliar with and she knew I'd answer it.

But that lesson was learned the number will be ignored from now on.

I swear I dont think i ever met her split personality when i was with her

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Of course you didn't, remember, we only chase what runs away from us.

Again, funny that she should feel some need to have bi-weekly contact with a 'monster' like you, going so far as to do so covertly.

This is a good lesson you're teaching though. Most guys in a state of trapped misery in an LTR could learn a lot from your experience. I can personally remember leaving this absolutely insane psychotic b!tch who had me hating myself and isolating me from my friends for 4 years have a nervous breakdown when I finally withdrew my testicles from her purse long enough to tell I was done with her and I was moving to another state. Suddenly I was no longer a 'monster' or a 'typical guy' any longer either and she just as psychotically persued me as if I was a drug she needed to survive with.

I'm sure you wont, but never never never forget the reasons for which you left her. I know far too many guys who backslide back to a girl they think they can work it out with (myself included) after forgetting just why they left or split in the first place. I'm sure you wont make that mistake, but I just wanted to state it.

 

[timaroni]

Hi guys,

my girlfriend (my heart and soul) for the past 6 years started ignoring my phone calls for about 3 weeks... I sensed something was wrong and tried to talk to her... she basically tore my heart out and told me that she had been under too much pressure just being with me..... and now she's saying that we should be friends......

Hell, i busted her seeing other men when we were together and I forgave her and now she's saying i'm giving her too much pressure? I really could NOT believe what I was hearing and almost had a breakdown... my world has just CRASHED and BURNED........

It's been about 2 months now... the first week was like... HELL... I really thought I could never get over it... now, she phones and e-mails occasionally... although I still have feelings for her... I am telling myself to let it go.. it's really difficult though. At times, thoughts of the past would pop out and I would get extremely depressed and sad.

I'm trying to get over it just as simple_wish is.. I really don't know why I am writing this but maybe just to make myself feel better... the only thing I found was that... once I stopped calling... she started to call - occasionally... once or twice a week or something...

What do they want!!?? damn it. you dumped me and now i'm trying to forget you, now you are trying to remind me of our past?

we are in the same boat buddy...

 

[simple_wish]

Timaroni - Buddy I feel for you!

In the email that my EX last sent to me she started it with "I didn't want to call to make you feel unconfortable" WELL TOO LATE!

She ended the Email with " we should get together for a coffee and catch up...If you want" Catch up on what?

I must say from my experience...give up and move on...it's hard but it's a true test of our character. My closest friend recently went through a breakup and he's been a great help. Consult your female friends..they are good to talk to and to be around generally. I must say advice definately differs from males to females....at the begining all my guy friends told me to persue her and never give up...all the girls said backoff and walk away now.

I feel that I get calls from my ex because there is so much time in a day/week that she can keep occupied so I get the calls when she's bored or has no one else to hang out with...which is no excuse for conversation.

I personally I stopped drinking for a month or maybe even more as I found myself with a bottle in my hand after the breakup...It's not like I became a raging alcholic but it was a personal decision to not let her get the best of me....because there was a time in my life when this girl did not exist and that's how i'm trying to live.

 

[NewMan]

They call you because they need re-assurance.

They are now without their emotional bond - which is you. When they get lonely they will call. When they are upset they will call. They will call in order to know that you are there - willing to listen - and be their emotional tampon.

 

[insomniac]

Count me in too. My ex of one week has been calling me every other day, and has been much nicer to me on the phone than in the past month...and dangling the "work it out" bait in front of me. I bit, and wrote to her saying I'd want to work it out...but now I'm thinking it was just a game. I predict she'll call me up this weekend when she has nothing to do. I'm done with this.

So, I feel like shyt right now, and it's going to be that way for a few weeks. Eventually I'll forget about her, but right now is the worst part. I even had a dream about her this morning right before I woke up...not a great way to start the day. Having a couple drinks at nights helps...since I have no drive at the moment to do anything else I once enjoyed. Next week I'll get back to the gym, work on getting buff again, and try to get back to my previous life.
It sucks.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Originally posted by simple_wish
....at the begining all my guy friends told me to persue her and never give up...all the girls said backoff and walk away now.

It's exactly this kind of stuff that makes me ill. It's self-defeating, AFC guys with this martyr mentality that tell you to hang onto the most reliable source of pvssy regardless of condition and women who give you the most pragmatic and correct advice. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but since I'm sure your having the sack big enough put this girl off after 5 years, it's a turn on to them at some level.

NEWMAN has it right, women's primary drive is security and nothing is more psychologically rattling for them than when they push a man to the point of pulling the carpet out from under them inspite of her being his only source of intimacy. Attention and affirmation are the reinforcement that his security provides and she'll persue that in the same way a guy will get back with a girl because she's a reliable source of sex. That's the backslide for both sexes.

 

[az94]

"emotional tampon"...nice one NewMan...

My experience says time AND a new female makes all things better.

AZ

 

[cave dweller]

tuff.........

Hey,

As 'tuff' as it is you have to put her behind you and move on.

It did not work then and it won't work now.

You must say.............'NEXT'

cave dweller

 

[Kaine]

I must say advice definately differs from males to females....at the begining all my guy friends told me to persue her and never give up...all the girls said backoff and walk away now.

There's a sign not to take dating advice from your buddies in future

Anyone with a big of life experience can empathize with you.

I've found a good method which I recommend to anyone are visualisation exercises.

It's pretty simple really:

Make a list of all the things you hate about her, all the times she's hurt and disrespected you. Magnify and focus your feelings on those.

Make a list of her physical traits that you hate, magnify and focus and stew on those.
Let yourself feel disgust and anger even pity (for her).

Then once you have a picture perfect image of her associated with all these ugly feelings and behaviours, project yourself into the future 10 then 20 then 30 years till you are old and grey still with this hag of a woman. How many unhappy experiences did you experience?

There, how do you feel now?

Now everytime she pops in your head, brings those images and feelings back. This association will help you restore your mental health sooner..

Kaine

 

[insomniac]

What I hate about her:
- Limited vocabulary: Even though she was quick witted, I had to explain a lot of simple words I used with her
- Activity level of a cat: I'd swear, she'd sleep all day if she could...always in bed by 9pm
- Became horny and obnoxious when drinking....horny I could live iwth, obnoxious...big turn off
- No hobbies or interests....work, eat, sleep (mostly sleep) was her life

Not helpiing...I grew to like those things about her.

Physically...dark brown hair, so she'd get a little fuzz on her face....and tall,with long legs...those long, long legs, and slender perfect body on top of me....

This isn't helping...it's only been a week, she's still a goddess in my eyes. Wish I could hibernate for a few weeks and get through this part faster.

 

[simple_wish]

I used to sit around during the intial breakup and think of her and blame all the crap on myself...I did and it is the WORST thing one should do...she wrote that stupid response to me one day talking Crap how she is rebuilding happiness in her life and lifting the stress off her chest.

I never responded to that childish crap we are in our mid 20's and that was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard...so when she did speak to me next I let her know that it two people to be in a relationship...if she felt stressed she should of called it quit two years ago...if this is what I felt then I would of walked.

Insomniac - so she was pretty hot...my ex was hot too...screw it get something better..this is what i have to work on next.

If your not ready to hit the scene right away...take a break..I am it's not like I'm not looking for a new girl but I'm going take a few steps back and work on ME catch up with my friends and family.

All in good time....I'm going back to a time when she wasn't in my life..

My female friends said that when she's lonely she'll sit and think about her decision and regret it...i hope she does...it's not going to change my feelings towards her anymore...but she needs some extra annguish in her life.

Another thing!...VACATION...I'm off to Brazil in March for a week....go live it up!

 

[simple_wish]

Originally posted by Kaine

Anyone with a big of life experience can empathize with you.

This is the biggest issue I have...My mother passed away in my early teens...I was able to see through this...the girlfriend shouldn't be difficult.

This is what gets to me the most....my mother was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more important to me than the girl....i'd do anything for my mother back

 

[wiggadude]

I've never been in a LTR, but reading all this almost makes me not want to enter a LTR. I'm 25 now, so if I get into a LTR that lasts a long time (say 5 years), and then we break up... wow, I'd be f*cked. 30 and just broke up. That would suck so much. I kinda want a LTR without all the breakup bullsh1t.

Originally posted by timaroni
Hi guys,

my girlfriend (my heart and soul) for the past 6 years started ignoring my phone calls for about 3 weeks... I sensed something was wrong and tried to talk to her... she basically tore my heart out and told me that she had been under too much pressure just being with me..... and now she's saying that we should be friends......

Hell, i busted her seeing other men when we were together and I forgave her and now she's saying i'm giving her too much pressure? I really could NOT believe what I was hearing and almost had a breakdown... my world has just CRASHED and BURNED........

It's been about 2 months now... the first week was like... HELL... I really thought I could never get over it... now, she phones and e-mails occasionally... although I still have feelings for her... I am telling myself to let it go.. it's really difficult though. At times, thoughts of the past would pop out and I would get extremely depressed and sad.

I'm trying to get over it just as simple_wish is.. I really don't know why I am writing this but maybe just to make myself feel better... the only thing I found was that... once I stopped calling... she started to call - occasionally... once or twice a week or something...

What do they want!!?? damn it. you dumped me and now i'm trying to forget you, now you are trying to remind me of our past?

we are in the same boat buddy...