Having a firm control over your emotions and attachments while having a girlfriend.

[narcissist]

think about her flaws and how great other girls are and some of the things she's done wrong and could do better, etc. if you're too positive focus on the negative and if you're too negative focus on the positive

I am going to make a list of some of her flaws and some things that I do not like about her. She is a pretty incredible woman, but youa re absolutely right, that I must have put her on a pedestal, If not a lot, then at least a small pedestal. It could do me no harm to flesh out a list of some of her flaws, some of the thing she does that erks me, some of her bad habits, etc. This will ground me.

For 35 weeks you are James Bond and the 36th week you suddenly feel you can't live without her? Come on bro, you are not telling the whole story. Either 6'1 hockey players have made a pass at her and want to sleep with her, or other girls you want to sleep with have told you to go to hell.



You don't "do" anything bro. Just keep doing what you are doing. Once you start doing things not to develop feelings, if those things get taken away you will develop feelings.

Just do what you did the 1st 35 weeks when you constantly had sex with her and she was in love with you. How hard is that? Not PhD work.

Exactly. I just have to tap into the database of knowledge that I have stored about how to game women that I have learned from 4-5 years of experience, and put it to use. It should seem simple enough, but I think I need some refreshers. I am making it a new rule to come by this website once a day. This should work as a refresher for the knowledge that I have stored.

Are you spinning plates?

I am not spinning plates at the moment. But about a week ago I downloaded tinder and bumble and have been keeping conversations with some chicks up, just to warm up again to gaming women. I am also going out with two of my buddies to do 5 approaches/day roughly - gotta keep the options high. This is a sure fire way to reduce any sort of neediness/cuckness etc., even if i dont cheat or whatever. It is always preferable to have a couple chicks around at all times.

The attachment is normal. It's only unhealthy if she's unhealthy.

It is definitely not unhealthy. I may have over-exaggerated just a tad bit. I am just pre-emptively acting before anything goes awry.

Drop the dogma of the so-called disease of 'oneitis'. That's for the Disneyites still out there. Follow your instincts.

In what sense do you mean follow my instincts? Should I allow myself to be emotionally attached? Can you elaborate brother?

Narcissist. Long time. Last time I saw you posting was just before you went to the clinic or something... then disappeared. Don't do that to a brother! Guess the GF explains the absence. Good for you.

Regards attachment, as has been said, it's probably natural; that's the whole point of being in relationship, right. The thing being, how you act upon it.

Primarily, the rules don't really change:

-Continue to demonstrate rather than explicate, both your value and your affection towards her.

-Show your affection in a thoughtful, subtle and skillful way, rather than the cliche flowers/jewelry. A guy I know recently made a top drawer birthday cake for his missus; her reaction - "You never cease to amaze me". Be creative on dates; make sh!t that is mutually useful - sometimes together. Rather than showering gifts, make memories. This is proper bonding. Give her and yourself experiences that you'll never forget.

-Keep improving and show interest in different things from time to time. Change your job, start a new hobby. It will also demonstrate that you are still unpredictable and not just thinking about her 24/7; which you shouldn't be anyway.

-There should be the covert suggestion (and only suggestion) of attraction from other women. This is easily achieved by socialising together in a group. You need to be seen talking with other women of equal or greater value. You don't want to be allowing those skills to slide anyway.

-Do not lose track of your buddies. It's all too easy to do. And some might be gone for good if it all falls apart.

She's your bratty little sister; you love her, but in manly way, not a soppy Disney Fairytale White Knight kind of way. You are the mountain, she is the wind that dances round the mountain.

Long time man! good to hear from you, and always good to hear your advice! I hope everything is going amazing for you brother.

I tend to agree with you, I think that growing an attachment for a girlfriend is perfectly natural and also preferable. Or else why would anyone want to be in a relationship - if there was not attachment or emotional connection, mid as well just remain fvck buddies right? So i fully understand that my attachment to here is a natural thing. I am just trying to make sure that that natural attachment does not become any sort of unhealthy attachment.

I cannot stress enough how important the tenant "demonstrate do not explicate" is. Thank you for that refresher. I needed to hear that. This is one thing that I have been falling prey to. I have been explicating my attachment and emotional connection too much with her I think and not demonstrating it. However, because of this refresher, when I saw her today I decided to demonstrate my emotional connection to her through s3x and it was fiery and passionate, and she told me that it was the best s3x she ever had. I agree 100% though, that as men we should not be explicating to women, but demonstrating. This is essential.

I rarely buy her gifts. Gifts are a very strategic move for me. I try to make "me" the gift in her life. I was planning on taking her on a little bush plane ride around the city of Toronto in the next couple weeks. You think this is a creative date?

Other than that, I have been on top of my sh1t and working away at school and the gym.

One issue I have is that I am not very covert about girls wanting me. I kind of just talk about it. Do you have advice about how to be more covert about that?

Cheers mate.

 

[narcissist]

an unhealthy attachment would be things such as: texting 24/7, hanging out every hour on the hour, sending her stupid ****, buying her gifts when she does not deserve them.

If you are doing none of the above, then you are golden. Having "feelings" towards your girlfriend is fine, however, i guarantee you, someone is going to cross your path who is "better", and those feeling towards your GF are going to dwindle.

We speak of girls always jumping to the next best guy in line, who is "better" than you, but girls forget, us guys do the same exact thing. Keep her on her toes.

I do none of that. Haha.

You must think she is the best you can do.

Otherwise you wouldn't have oneitis. Its almost impossible to fear losing something that you can easily replace.

If you think she is the best you can do then ask yourself why.

I think you are correct. If i was to ask myself why I think she is the best I can do, I would answer because I have not been gaming other women. This, I have found is one of my biggest mistakes. And I am immediately going to fix this.

Just put yourself in her shoes and take a look at how you are behaving. Are you proud of yourself? Would you go homo and bang yourself?

90% of the time I would suck my own d1ck. But, there is about 10% that I need to do something about.

''For the first 7 months I have completely kept control over my own feelings towards and have not allowed my feelings for her to surpass her feelings for me. I kept my emotional attachment to the relationship under tight control for a great 90-95% of the time she has been my girlfriend.''

How in the world does this sound like you have control at all? You have been trying CONSCIOUSLY to repress her ALL THIS TIME. This was natural that all the repressed feelings came at once.

It is not about controlling at all. It is all about understanding. Once you understand the deepest principals of life, then everything happens naturally: no controlling, no repressing.

So you think I should just radically throw myself into attachment? I think some level of personal control can be beneficial. I admit to holding myself back. Control that leads to repression = is a no no. Control over myself that allows me to express who I am, but not become addicted I think is preferable. Would you agree?

These type of feelings is usually a bad idea right at the start. This is because if you reach the ultimate high from the start it can only go one way, that's down. Now you're going the healthy way, escalating it. It's getting better.

It will pass, just enjoy it for the time being. That does not mean you go all out beta on her, just stop resisting the feeling itself.

A relationship is a oneitis deal anyways. Nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean you have to forget the fact you can leave if it goes in a bad direction later.

Always be willing to walk away. This is one tenant I have kept close to my heart for a long time.

How does this "oneitis" manifest for you? Tell us 3 concrete things that have crossed your mind recently, which you are ashamed of.

Example,
- Did you call her for no reason and then had nothing to say?
- ...

I mean, I honestly cannot think of three things. Just like, checking my phone too frequently to see if she has contacted me. I mean now that I am actually thinking about it and de-constructing it, I am coming to the conclusion that I might have over-exaggerated it a bit. I seriously am under the impression that I am so afraid of being attached to a girl, that even the slightest hint of emotional attachment and I run away or try to repress it like brad said.

Is it a good healthy relationship.... Meaning do you care for this girl ?.... Ready to settle down ?

yeah it is a good healthy relationship. I think the worst thing in our relationship is that, I talk blatantly about girls too much, and we chill at my house a little more than I would prefer. I am only 23, so nah I am not really ready to settle down, but she's cool, doesnt fight or anything, the s3x is great, she has two jobs and goes to school, and she's pretty traditionalist, so it could be an option. Who knows.

Applaud yourself for being smart enough to check your emotions and actions while the going is good.
Many people wait till the ship gets rocked to examine their actions.

Let's agree on one thing.
Oneitis is the goal of every LTR. Hence why having a rotation reduces its effects.
Which means, it's only natural for you to have 1itis for your girl. Completely natural.

You already know what beta tendencies are, when you find yourself doing them —and you will, keep record of it and draw back a bit.

Regardless of the level of your relationship with a woman, the way to maintain attraction is to keep her on her toes, literally and metaphorically.

Once in a while, cancel dates. Stay distant. Go out without her. Show her you do have a life without her.

LTR and oneitis becomes a problem when you go from having a life (without her) to her becoming your life.

I think the idea of canceling dates, sometimes staying distant and having other sh1t to do is a good idea. I do most of these things for the most part anyways because I am pretty busy guy. But, I might have to kick it up a notch.

 

[narcissist]

By chance is your birthday around June 20? And is her birthday around now? I've found that the 6 month period surrounding our birthday (example: April 1 to October 1 if your birthday is July 1) is when women are more attracted to us. Then it changes overnight and we cling to them.

My birthday is in March and hers is in September.

 

[narcissist]

At the end of the day, however, even after saying all of that, I have realized that I am vastly over-thinking this, and exaggerating problems where there aren't any. I am just scared of attaching myself to women. I try to repress these feelings. This is the unhealthy aspect.

 

[Serenity]

At the end of the day, however, even after saying all of that, I have realized that I am vastly over-thinking this, and exaggerating problems where there aren't any. I am just scared of attaching myself to women. I try to repress these feelings. This is the unhealthy aspect.

I applaud your self-awareness. The fact it's a woman isn't really as important as what kind of woman it is. Some I'd have no issue attaching to and being vulnerable with, some others I would never give a single hint of weakness.

Repressing emotions is never good, ever. I've walked pretty far down that line in the past, I paid a painful price to win back my own heart and feelings. I would rather have a crazy b!tch tear my emotions apart than to repress emotions again, it's easier to recover from the crazy b!tch.

 

[Konada]

Emotions are a wonderful part of any relationship and I think it's foolhardy to think we should be repressing something nature has endowed us with.

As long as you show your emotions from a position of power I see no reason how it could detriment your relationship.

I believe you're facing a problem of beginning to seek approval from her to validate your self worth rather than being afraid to show emotions.

 

[narcissist]

I believe you're facing a problem of beginning to seek approval from her to validate your self worth rather than being afraid to show emotions.

This is an interesting point. Could you elaborate a little on this. You might be on to something.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Emotions are a wonderful part of any relationship and I think it's foolhardy to think we should be repressing something nature has endowed us with.

As long as you show your emotions from a position of power I see no reason how it could detriment your relationship.

I believe you're facing a problem of beginning to seek approval from her to validate your self worth rather than being afraid to show emotions.

I also agree that repression of emotions ends up hurting you. But we cannot tell them everything that we think and discuss every change our mind goes through as we make it up. It's not effective. It may be best to speak out of an area of peace and not one of anxiety or anger.

 

[Konada]

This is an interesting point. Could you elaborate a little on this. You might be on to something.

Its quite an intangible concept so I'll try my best to put it in words. The desire to love and seek approval are closely linked but through these 2 key concepts, I realized they are actually 2 separate aspects of emotion.

These 2 concepts are:
1. Realizing that whatever value you put out is yours and solely yours, and no one can take that away from you or reduce it. (Thanks @fastlife for sharing this concept)
2. Vulnerability to express this value without any desire for reciprocation i.e authenticity

Take for instance you want to fvck this girl, you can express this desire in 2 ways:
1. I find you incredibly sexy, the smell of your hair...the touch of your skin...the desire in your eyes...makes me want to fvck you even more.
OR
2. Would you like to fvck me?

Granted this is an very extreme example but you can see that in expression 1 is communicating desire without any hint of approval (I'm just expressing what I want from you) vs expression 2 where its is laden with approval from the female (I want to fvck you, but only with your permission and only if you want to).

Putting this into the context of your relationship, ask yourself. When you express desire, is there a tingling need for her to reciprocate? Or are you able to do it, and move on with whatever you're doing?

While you may not express it verbally, its starting to show up in your actions like checking your phone too frequently for her reply which hints at approval seeking behaviors manifesting. I can do my best to explain but its pretty hard to 'get it' until you experience it and I think the best way to start exploring this concept is your relationship with your parents.

Ask yourself honestly:
1. Are you able to love your parents if they constantly throw a b!tchfit into your face and berate you for some of the things you do?
2. Are you able to stare into their eyes and tell them 'I love you', despite whatever disagreements they have how you're living your life?
3. Are you WILLING to do acts of love for them, even if they give nothing in return?

 

[BeExcellent]

This is an interesting thread.

Seems to me like subconsciously you are experiencing a subtle shift to identifying yourself through the relationship. When you do that you assign ownership to the relationship and consider it part of you rather than separate from you. You define yourself through the relationship to some degree or other. This is a normal attachment pattern. You exert both ownership and investment.

IF however you internal boundaries of the self are not well formed you can risk loss of self identity through the relationship. This is not healthy. This can develop into the behavior patterns you seem wary of.

The difference is subtle as @Konada suggests at first.

The feeling or emotion tied to loss of self is insecurity and seeking of external validation.

I'm not sure any of what you describe is an attachment issue, it looks to me more like an internal boundary issue which while the relationship may reveal it, it really has nothing to do with your girlfriend and little to do with how you feel about her.

The fact that you say you are repressing emotion is also indicative. Your issue (in my lay opinion) is the struggle to keep your self identity while developing intimacy with someone else.

This tendency is a hallmark of the narcissistic personality. Somehow I bet you are already aware of this.

 

[BraddH]

I do none of that. Haha.


I think you are correct. If i was to ask myself why I think she is the best I can do, I would answer because I have not been gaming other women. This, I have found is one of my biggest mistakes. And I am immediately going to fix this.



90% of the time I would suck my own d1ck. But, there is about 10% that I need to do something about.



So you think I should just radically throw myself into attachment? I think some level of personal control can be beneficial. I admit to holding myself back. Control that leads to repression = is a no no. Control over myself that allows me to express who I am, but not become addicted I think is preferable. Would you agree?



Always be willing to walk away. This is one tenant I have kept close to my heart for a long time.



I mean, I honestly cannot think of three things. Just like, checking my phone too frequently to see if she has contacted me. I mean now that I am actually thinking about it and de-constructing it, I am coming to the conclusion that I might have over-exaggerated it a bit. I seriously am under the impression that I am so afraid of being attached to a girl, that even the slightest hint of emotional attachment and I run away or try to repress it like brad said.



yeah it is a good healthy relationship. I think the worst thing in our relationship is that, I talk blatantly about girls too much, and we chill at my house a little more than I would prefer. I am only 23, so nah I am not really ready to settle down, but she's cool, doesnt fight or anything, the s3x is great, she has two jobs and goes to school, and she's pretty traditionalist, so it could be an option. Who knows.



I think the idea of canceling dates, sometimes staying distant and having other sh1t to do is a good idea. I do most of these things for the most part anyways because I am pretty busy guy. But, I might have to kick it up a notch.

What you should understand is people get bored once they get what they want. They hve to always have challenges. This included you too, you are the same.

You cant be too nice nor too hard/jerk. Such is life, it is not that hard.

If you want to keep a girl then you have to game her all the time but dont you dare lie that you have no emotions, otherwise you wouldnt bother gaming anyone. You like her; she is a valuable challenge to you.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

'Follow your instincts'. 'Core desire' could be used interchangeably for instincts.

Reason, the red pill, should perform the skeptical, critical, and defensive functions; it sees through the prevailing ideology as in the un-examined 'blue pill' view.

Emotive desire, or the other instincts beside reason, performs the creative function; in the unfolding of your emotional life you develop your character and personality.

Reason is a servant to your inner life, not its master. 'Red pill' functions properly as criticism; it should not become an alternative ideology. You know it is threatening to dominate as ideology when it questions your most basic and natural instinct/ desire for intimacy. Maintained as criticism, red pill should test, or restrain, that desire that it not be directed toward an unworthy 'object'.

 

[fastlife]

As men, more than anything, we desire comfort and the absence of struggle. Any departure from the 'status quo,' in times past, meant danger, struggle, possibly death--and our mind is quick to attach itself to familiar patterns and to idealize comfort. However, as men, our bodies and minds were never meant to be comfortable. We were made to struggle (and if you're being honest with yourself you're probably 'happiest' when you have something to struggle with). Modern life, however, creates this disconnect where what we 'want' is seemingly attainable; there are all kinds of buffers against actual struggle--but almost all of these lead to unhappiness, depression, & discontent.

The shift you're noticing in your feelings towards your relationship is the cognitive dissonance that arises from attaching yourself to comfort while realizing that by doing so you're subjecting yourself to the fear of the loss of that comfort. So basically boil that down to fear of engulfment on one side & fear of abandonment on the other--the hallmarks of codependency, NPD, BPD, etc.

Anything you do from a paradigm of fear will be needy. The very act of acting less needy so as not to project neediness is needy behavior. Suppressing emotions to achieve a desired effect is needy. Calculating how to maintain the existing pattern of a relationship is needy. Whereas for the first 7 months of your relationship, you were present in the moment and acting from a more genuine place; now you've triggered certain insecurities.

Suppressing these insecurities will result in problems down the line. The only real solution is to 'let go.' Focus on things external to your relationship that will make you feel good about yourself--and let the cards fall where they may. Focus on your feelings--what do you want to do right now? Do you really want to hang out with her tonight--or are you afraid that you'll 'lose' her or 'upset' her if you don't? Do you really want to reply to that text message--or are you afraid that you'll 'lose' her or 'upset' her if you don't? If you're acting from a place of congruency in accordance to your desires, then what she does won't really matter. Even if it nukes the relationship, you'll still be yourself on the other side (and if it's an unhealthy relationship, then full self-expression will probably blow it up lol)--but ironically this kind of self-respect will likely make her more attracted to you if it's a healthy relationship to begin with.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

However, because of this refresher, when I saw her today I decided to demonstrate my emotional connection to her through s3x and it was fiery and passionate, and she told me that it was the best s3x she ever had.

Nice. Keep it up (pardon the pun). What you can do now is abstain for a few days. Be 'distracted' by school work or something. By the time the weekend comes around, she'll literally be crawling up the walls and all over you wanting it again. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Give her the roller-coaster as usual, in every respect. Just remember you won't be able to match that passion every time, but you can try by employing delays, absence and unpredictability. Keep it fresh, like everytime is the first time, like you can't really control yourself.

I was planning on taking her on a little bush plane ride around the city of Toronto in the next couple weeks.

This is a cool date, but maybe more something for a special occasion. For women that are in to you, you don't need a lot of extravagance. Like you say, if you are presenting yourself correctly and making a game out of anything and everything, then you are the prize to be had. For me, a plane ride would be an extra prize, maybe for a very LTR. Some chicks might expect a proposal on a trip like that and deservedly so. I think at this stage as well, a women should also be doing stuff for you.

What I mean by creative is literally and figuratively creative. You can make an adventure out of making dinner together simply by being enthusiastic and imaginative about the finer details, it doesn't have to be extravagant. Yourlife is this fun and adventurous and spontaneous anyway and you are just happen to be taking her along for the ride.

One issue I have is that I am not very covert about girls wanting me. I kind of just talk about it. Do you have advice about how to be more covert about that?

Usually herein we don't use the word 'covert' in the typical sense - i.e. directly concealing something. Again, it's more subtle suggestion resulting from your behaviours than actually directly flirting with other women. You can do this anywhere you go together, be friendly with waitresses, bar maids, friends of hers, whoever.

Other women you meet will fall over themselves for your attention because of your preselection, and part of her will love the fact that other women are attracted to you. If she occasionally brings up other girls in your life and your opinion of them, you're doing it right. If she's getting upset about it and or accusing you of stuff, it's probably gone a bit too far.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

As an aside and afterthought. I wanted to add that like probably the majority of guys here I am a fair few years older than you and though I am not nearly as cynical as some here, I will say that this is very unlikely to be your last relationship. I say, while you are both in to it, enjoy it. But stay real and aware of what's going on without letting emotion cloud your judgements.

You are still just about walking the right side of the line between realism and infatuation, and you've had the mental and emotional fortitude and the foresight to ask for advice, which is far more than most guys twice your age would manage. Crack on and good luck to you.

 

[NSX-R]

Your dad definitely has oneitis. I'm guessing he hasn't been banging other women. OP acts like he isn't emotionally attached to his gf but these days having sex or taking her out on a date is considered an emotional attachment.

Lol .my father used to be the biggest playboy in his 20s till early 30s. There is not a single person who hasn't told me a story about my father and all the chicks he used to play with back then. It's all about the rules and targets you are setting into your lifestyle. In my father's case , he wanted to live his life ,fck as many chicks as possible, make money and travel the world and after that make a family. Since he achieved all of his targets ,he chose to get married to my mom(he used to play with another very rich chick at that time but he thought my mom was filling the role of family better than the other) and make kids.
You set a plan and you stick to it. That's what alphas do. Only betas are like leaves in the wind.
If i consider your opinion about my father having oneitis ,i suppose the concept of family in your mind is very very poor.
I don't know how things work for you there but the concept of family ,at least in me and the other members of my familiy , is regarded very high. As soon as you make a family , you automatically stop thinking only about yourself. More specifically , when you have kids , you have also a very big responsibility on how to raise them and you can't keep living your life. When the kids are seeing you fcking here and there , try to imagine how much it damages the concept of family and royalty into their minds. That's why this world gets always worse.