Have confidence. so much bull**** advice lol

[backbreaker]

So we got this single guy friend who was over our house a few nights ago and we get to drinking and he's lamenting about why he can't get a GF. he's not.. terrible looking.. there are worse men, but he's a little out of shape, and he could stand to upgrade his wardrobe.

so my wife, decides to be dr love and **** and tries to give him advice. She tells him "Matt, you have to be more confident, no woman likes a guy who isn't confident in himself we can smell it a mile a way. blah blah blah blah blah" and he's like okay.. confidence... got it. lol.


So after the guy leaves, i didn't' want to embarrass him while he was there I'm like millie look.. lol. let me ask you a hypothetical question. let's say you're single and you see matt and he approaches you and he comes to talk to you would you go out with him. she thinks about it.. not all that hard i might say and says "no, he's not my type"

I'm like that's interesting.. what's your type.. she's like i like guys that are in shape he's a little out of shape for my tastes, which is bull **** the guy she dated before me was about as frail as they come. i just spoiled her lol.

I'm like so, no matter how confidently matt would come to you, no matter how funny he is, no matter how engaging he is, and i mean, he's not rich or anything, it would take something out of the blue to make you see him as someone datable and she's like probably that's correct.


By now she gets where I'm going with this. She's like but that's not fair backbreaker that's just me, girls have tastes and just because i don't like him doesn't mean anyone else won't. Which is true to some extent. I'm like babe please show me the line of women that are waiting for out of shape out of style men lol who are actually ATTRACTED to the men. I can't think of women who prefer men like this.

I was like millie, this is the problem I have with your advice. See if you were single and you came to me and you said backbreaker why can't I get a date? Why don't guys like me. I'm going to tell you, as is any other guy, what it would take for ME to date YOU. Because of this, it's going to be something tangible. you could probably dress better. You could stand ot lose a little weight, etc. whatever.

Women, my wife, etc, they tell you **** that would make it possible for you to get other women. As it's some crime against humanity tto tell a guy she's not attracted to him and he needs to step his game up.


I was like look millie, does any of our friends find him attractive. she was like i don't think so no. so no matter how confident he is, he's not going to get any o them. she was like probably not lol.


Confidence comes when you have something to be confident about. I could approach a woman in the mall because **** i'm hot lol. You can't tell a bum who can't dress and who is out of shape to go "be confident" like it's some magic drink to fix all your gaming ills.

 

[AAAgent]

I think there's a difference between being confident and ****y. Both emit a strong sense of self but the latter is more show boaty. Being in NYC and having come a long way, my confidence has turned into ****iness.

Another thing that has always helped with acting more confident is thinking of a confident person. It could be someone i know very well or even a movie/book character. I envision the character and all his character traits, and i try my best to become the character. The better you know this character the easier it is to envision the person. I used to have this older friend who became my DJ coach. After a while when he got too busy to help me, instead of waiting for his help i would think to myself "What would DJ Friend do?" , I think long and hard about what he'd say, then i say those exact words. After a while it becomes second nature. I always envision traits of other key individuals and play it out.

How would James Bond, Prince Charming, etc. talk to that random girl over there? Envision them, their personalities, what they would potentially say, and do it. It's also a game as well which makes it alot more interesting. This way if the girl rejects you, it's also not a direct insult on you but more on your acting or portrayal of that character.

I'm normally goofy and shy but i can cold approach if I want to. I Just need to get in the zone.

 

[Bible_Belt]

no woman likes a guy who isn't confident in himself

But why is that, exactly? I think it's because it's not fun. Lamenting your own sorriness is about as un-fun as it gets.

Rather than "have confidence" as advice, I like "have fun" much better. Fun breeds confidence. I still think I would pick "fun to be around" over any other single trait that women desire.

 

[AAAgent]

no woman likes a guy who isn't confident in himself

But why is that, exactly? I think it's because it's not fun. Lamenting your own sorriness is about as un-fun as it gets.

Rather than "have confidence" as advice, I like "have fun" much better. Fun breeds confidence. I still think I would pick "fun to be around" over any other single trait that women desire.

That's the major trend right now in peaceful times. Confidence is generally a trait that weathers any storm/time period as confidence shows strength and strength signifies protection which means that the girl can feel relatively safe by being with a confident guy. Why funny guys win girls now is because during a time of relative peace, strength/confidence is not required. Having a big buff boyfriend who will never get in a fight or need to protect will not be as satisfying as having the guy who will make you laugh.

So they each have their pros and cons. You can get a girl to laugh her pants off (i've seen it many times) and i've also seen a girl watch a guy not back down and stand his ground or get something done and girls go crazy over them as well. confidence will always be respected by women, but it's damn near impossible to make a girl laugh when people are being blown up, hung, murdered, people are starving all around you.

Their both traits that lead the woman to feeling comfortable and really depends on the girl and her situation/which she prefers.
.

 

[Mike32ct]

It's complicated. Yes, on some level, women would prefer that a guy has a certain "base level" of confidence. No doubt that it's an issue of security, fun, etc. as the others mentioned.

But it's not going to help a guy who doesn't have the look (and/or $) she's looking for. It might even hurt him because a guy who isn't her type that confidently approaches is considered a "creeper." But she isn't so much annoyed by him having nothing to back it up. She's annoyed that a sub-par guy approached her. Women take that personally for some reason. It's a big blow to their ego.

For such guys, here is what female think...:

"Be confident if you want, but leave me alone, unless I choose to have you as my gay buddy orbiter lol."

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

So are you saying that if he became MORE confident, it wouldn't help him AT ALL?

And the advice, "be more confident," is absolutely, totally, and COMPLETELY useless when talking to and gaming girls?

Meaning some guy that is super cut, ripped, 6'5", million dollar wardrobe but is so frikking shy he can't even make eye contact with his own mother, and pees his pants when a decent girl would come within twenty meters, would get MORE ACTION than your friend, if he becomes ultra confident and changes NOTHING else?

Are you saying that CONFIDENCE is absolutely USELESS? And Physical appearance is the ONLY thing that matters?

 

[backbreaker]

okay strawman lol you know good and god damn well what i'm saying.


yes, i'm satying that telling a guy who knows good and god damn well he's not a catch, that the only thing he needs to do is to be confident, is bull****. i dont' know where in the **** you are taking the conversation

 

[backbreaker]

okay strawman lol you know good and god damn well what i'm saying.


yes, i'm satying that telling a guy who knows good and god damn well he's not a catch, that the only thing he needs to do is to be confident, is bull****. i dont' know where in the **** you are taking the conversation

 

[VladPatton]

Somewhere, some girl will take him as he is. Guaranteed. There is no formula or logic as to why people hook up, it's just great fuel for a forum such as this. There are ugly guys with hot chicks, rich guys with skanky, lowlife girls, two alcoholics, two model-types, one Jew, one Christian, and everything in between.

There's a cover for every pot.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

First Description

he's not.. terrible looking.. there are worse men, but he's a little out of shape, and he could stand to upgrade his wardrobe.

Second Description

yes, i'm satying that telling a guy who knows good and god damn well he's not a catch

First Description

She tells him "Matt, you have to be more confident, no woman likes a guy who isn't confident in himself we can smell it a mile a way. blah blah blah blah blah"

Second Description

that the only thing he needs to do is to be confident, is bull****.

Based on what you wrote the first time, I think your wife gave him some sound advice. Being more confident, all other things being equal, will generally give a guy a lot more chance with the ladies.

What do you think she SHOULD have told him?

 

[Warrior74]

Any time you hear the words "just" and "only" understand that the speaker is lying to you. They may not believe they are lying, but they are. Because in the real world "just" and "only" rarely are enough to get the job done.

You just need to be confident.
You only need to have confidence.

Well really? Only that, nothing else huh? who knew! There are always more steps to the process and anyone who is giving you a just or only is either trying to sell you a bill of goods or doesn't know what they are talking about but thinks that they do.

Just, only and also should are my buzzwords for unintentional bull****. Make them yours as well.

 

[zekko]

I've always been confused about this whole confidence issue. I don't see what it is that is so attractive about confidence that it attracts women like crack, I just don't understand it. I think the main thing about confidence is that it allows you to be the man, do the approach, do the escalation, etc. It allows you to go do the things you know need to be done.

When I was in my 20s I was never really confident, because I knew I didn't really have my sh!t together yet - I hadn't accomplished what I wanted to yet. And yet despite the fact that I was not genuinely confident, I knew you were supposed to be confident around women, so I always faked it. So apparently you don't need real confidence to get laid, because I got laid a lot in my 20s. It wasn't until later when I actually got my sh!t together that I became genuinely confident.

Now when you talk about a guy like this in the story, where he's probably just an average guy who isn't in very good shape, I really think there comes a time when you have to bring leagues into it. Pair this guy up with some supermodel and he's going to be out of his league, there isn't a nice way to say it.

 

[Mike32ct]

I've never heard a female say, "I dated (or slept with) this guy because he was so confident."

I hear female gossip ALL the time. I work in an office with mostly women. Every time they talk about men they are interested in, it's something like:

75 percent of the conversation is about looks and how hot he is or isn't

5 percent is about how tall he is (a form of looks lol)

15 percent about his career

5 percent is how funny he is (also usually filtered through a looks lens).

0 percent about how confident he is

 

[pdx1138]

I've always been confused about this whole confidence issue. I don't see what it is that is so attractive about confidence that it attracts women like crack, I just don't understand it.

My understanding of it is that they feel safe that way. A confident man will size a situation, take charge, ensure her safety/ be the decision maker.

If you don't have that it's perceived as a major weakness.

This goes back to a primordial time having to do with ensuring the family line would continue in the hunter/gathering days.

again, just my understanding of it.

 

[GotED?]

A man with natural confidence, wit, charm, somewhat decent looks, and humor can be easily labeled by women as a 'Player'. Even though she doesn't come out and tell it to your face, I bet if you fit in this category you were probably rejected 50% of the time because you are perceived to be a 'Player' type.

This is a suprising fact I learned from my previous French Ex-GF. She initially rejected me after the 2nd date because she perceived me to be too 'hot' and out of her reach (couldn't understand why I would want to date her other OTHER THAN HUMP & DUMP LOL.... ) Therefore, she was afraid to even try because she lacked CONFIDENCE HERSELF in being able to keep me in the long-term and then get hurt in the end. She made up a bunch of bullsh!t that I wasn't HER TYPE and tried to dump me at the end of the 2nd date. I went NC on her and wished her luck in life and WALKED AWAY (always be able to walk away!) WITHOUT MUCH CARE. She suffered for 2-3 days over the weekend and finally texted me after 3 days to ask me out on a date. We were together for almost 1.5 year after that - taught her a lesson.

Then I had another British Ex-GF who was NOT my type (and I am ashamed to look back I had such an unattractive GF! LOL....) but I liked other things about her. The whole time we were in a relationship, she questioned why I was with her. In the end she realized I really just wanted to be with her with no motives, she blurted out, "OH I THOUGHT YOU WERE AFTER MY BRITISH CITIZENSHIP SO YOU CAN STAY IN THE UNITED KINGDOM." .... what the PHUCK!!

So what can we do to win, men?? LOL.... you can have all the sharp tools of the DJ, and beautiful women still stomp on your parade because THEY lack the self-esteem and belief that they are good enough for you to start anything in the first place.

There is some truth that women DATE DOWN because it makes them feel more secure and in control instead of the threat of a potential 'Player' (AKA alpha male). A charming, handsome witty man that ALL women want, can sometimes make a low self-esteemed woman avoid him at all cost because she don't believe she will be able to hang on to him long term.

Be Well.

Exodus

 

[NewToTheGame]

Confidence is the result of maxing out your looks, pursuing a fulfilling career, having an enjoyable social life, having a decent car and place to live, having experience with women, etc, etc.

It is not something that is created out of thin air. It is the result of having positive experiences.

I'm confident in my job because I have experience and have executed the job functions successfully numerous times.

I'm confident going down on a woman because I have brought many women to crazy orgasms.

I'm confident in my looks because I know from experience that women are attracted to me.

Experiencing success in a facet of your life = more confidence in that facet. In the OPs original example, the dude doesn't have confidence because he hasn't experienced success with women. The interesting thing is how it manifests to women. Confidence is what they perceive. But this confidence is a result of looking good, dressing well, succeeding in life, and knowing it.

This, to me, is where the "fake it till you make it" argument both succeeds and fails. It succeeds because you have to gain positive experiences with women to move forward. And the best way to do that is to exude confidence. But, you can't really have confidence without success.

Where does this leave the average guy starting out? Improve your looks, your body, your career as much as possible. Approach and talk to women. Understand that you will fail quite often, and that it is a part of getting better.

 

[betheman]

confidence...the door will either open or get slammed in your face, then you try again but with more knowledge.
confidence isnt everything but you are better with it than without it a 6 with confidence will out perform the other 6 without confidence.
the 6 with confidence will compete with the 8 without confidence.
confidence is a foundation block, it will open some doors, not all, from thiose open doors, knowledge and further confidence can grow

 

[synergy1]

Its intellectually lazy and expected of most people to affix one cause with one effect. In this case, its confidence. Its easy to state that confidence and womens attraction are directly related, its hard to say that confidence and a whole ton of FACTORS affect confidence. Most people don't want to admit that playing the game as regular guy requires more than pretending to be confident. The easiest notion I can cite from this site is the following: Looks, game, money ...have two. While an overgeneralization, its true. If you are good in one area, bolster another somehow. Its the combination, not any one of these, that work.

 

[zekko]

My understanding of it is that they feel safe that way. A confident man will size a situation, take charge, ensure her safety/ be the decision maker.

If you don't have that it's perceived as a major weakness.

This goes back to a primordial time having to do with ensuring the family line would continue in the hunter/gathering days.

Yeah, that makes sense. Again, that comes down to confidence allowing you to do what needs to be done as a man. So it's a sort of boldness in a way, and I can see that as being attractive to women.

Obviously confidence does attract women, it just seems to be such a subjective sort of thing. There was a thread here who talked about a dating profile where this chick wanted a guy who had "confidence, all day, every day". I thought that was such a strange thing to ask for. Like ****iness and overconfidence can often actually mask insecurity, yet supposedly women like the ****iness.

The easiest notion I can cite from this site is the following: Looks, game, money ...have two

I think that was Rollo who always said that. "Looks, money, game...have two. But if you can have only one, have game".
Well, honestly, if I could have only one I'd take the money lol.
Not to attract women with, I mean for myself.

 

[backbreaker]

when I was single back in the day I was in barnes and noble one night chilling wasn't even approaching a chick I was just bored and wanted to go read some stuff so I plop down and start reading the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and this, probably hb 7.5 ish red head comes and just sits down and starts talking to me. lol she cold approached me basically. she asked my opinion of the book and 10 mins later we are laughing at **** and 30 mins after that I take her to sonic and we talk more and by the end of the night my lounge is down her throat.

My [int in saying all that is, I remember after a date we went on and she looks at me and she says I love how confident you are in yourself it's very sexy. I remember thinking, it's pretty hard not to be confident when YOU ****ING APPROACHED ME . Not saying I'm not a confident self assured dude anyway but how the hell can you NOT be confident when you sat down and basically told me hey I think you are hot lol.


Confidence is important once you have established a baseline desirability level. U probably would not have got a date with my wife if I were not confident in myself. she rejected me the first time I asked and I told her that wasn't going to work lol. But it doesn't matter how confident I was when I approached her if I were out of shape and the like.


I remember when I was out of shape post drug addiction and while I was starting my business back in the day. I was pretty damn confident in myself but everyone else ust thought I was weird