You probably have gone through the most traumatic experiences of anyone on this website. Having your parents use you to fuel their narcissm and greed is about as low as you can go.
Silent, cowardly and wicked abuse. Committing these acts against a child who has no idea what he is dealing with is disgusting.
That "powerless" and constantly "violated" position that your parents had you forced into, WOULD lower T. It would raise stress and cortisol. It would do the opposite of validating a strong masculine image. It would get you into expecting bad outcomes. Low self esteem, incredible amounts of self doubt. Loss of hope. Etc.
Thats true. Also cognitive dissonance, post-traumatic stress disorder and a series of mechanisms to try to protect yourself or escape from distress.
The longer I stay away from it all, the more my mind becomes clear. I still have a lot of flashbacks, some somewhat painful insights. But it is as if I am rebuilding a new "self" within me. And it seems that my real "self" has been suppressed for all these years, to meet my father's illusory and impossible expectations.
How long has it been since you have been outside of your parents clutches and their reach? What things do you think were most important in building your self since? Do you have any new boundaries now that you are out of their life that you maintain and can never be broken?
It was 1 year now in May. A lot has changed for the better.
Professionally speaking: I had started a business in the area of designer, I ended up taking a job earlier this year. I acquired experience and now another company has made a better proposal. I will earn a little more, and I will acquire much more knowledge in this challenge. Despite wanting to have my own business, I found myself in a situation where I needed to at least pay my bills. So for a while I believe that I need to go through this, even to acquire more maturity. I broke my father's fallacy: "You will never be able to make money outside of my company. Do you really think anyone would hire you the way you are?"
On the personal side, I am becoming more assertive and confident. I'm not the most confident guy in the world, but I respect myself a lot more than I did before I left that. It is something that has been extremely important to me, as I lived in fear of displeasing others and often failed to say no in certain situations that I felt I was disrespecting myself. Funny that when you learn to say no ... People at first seem to get angry, but in the end they end up respecting you more. Not that I speak in an arrogant way ... I always try to be polite, even if I have to say no or disagree with something.
Or add to pain/problems. How has your social and romance life been since you got away from parents? Didn't you say you started your own business? How about your fitness? ( body game ).
I have not yet lost the amount of weight I would like. I improved a little, but there is still a lot to work on in this regard. However, stress and depression are less frequent than before.
In terms of romantic life, I am choosing to be with women who feel a certain connection and who have values and principles aligned with mine. That thing about picking up and having sex with naughty women or anybody, I'm literally dropping it. Challenging, but when I spend my time with people I feel connected to, I also feel more respected.
The same goes for friendships.
I've been evolving a lot, but I still know that there is a lot to heal. Certain wounds still hurt and I believe that only time can soothe.
