Happily Married....But unsure...

[RollingThunder49]

Hey all.

My wife joined a gym recently. She's not overweight and hasn't mentioned wanting to join before but then a few months ago said she fancied it and off she went. Anyway, recently I noticed a guy regularly 'liking' her Facebook comments. not just the odd one but lots of them. I've never heard if him before and I know most of her Facebook friends.

I was using her phone the other day and her Facebook was left on. I'm not a snooper - it's just not my style but a message popped up from the same guy and I opened it. All of their previous private conversations came up 'same time tomorrow. x', 'I'll pick you up around 4.x' etc. I don't know what to think.

There's no sexualized talk although each sentence ends with a 'x' and she's never mentioned him before. Why would she not? I don't know what to do next.

 

[jimmy18]

Here's an idea from another member here:

Send her a bouquet of flowers.

Get the flower shop to write something really vague on the card.

eg. "Can't wait to see you again." or "Thinking of you." (something like that.)

Tell them specifically to leave your name OFF the card.

Next time you talk to her you will have a good idea of whether she's cheating or not. She'll either ask you about the flowers or she won't.

If she brings it up then there is a good chance she isn't cheating because there is no way in hell she would want you to know about another dude sending her flowers if she was. Too much guilt.

If she doesn't mention it then dump her right away. She's not your gf or your friend.

Either way you get your answer for a measley $20.

 

[vinkoch]

much better suggestion than what I did. back in the MySpace days my wife had her ex trying to tempt my wife. I arranged a visit from her account and had him meet me somewhere. Then I punched him in the face and said SURPRISE. He unfriended her immediately. Could've gotten me into a lot of trouble.

Maybe a private investigator? could be platonic. I've been friends with somebody wife. I wouldve never have messed with her marriage. But her husband didn't like it. So I left it alone.

Sounds really suspicious though man. Sucks to have to snoop to find this out. I don't care care if my wife or girlfriend snoops because I know that's the only way to catch people sometimes. I get it.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Vin,
You are worth knowing!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Thunder,
Jimmies idea is aqbsolutely brilliant,why didn't I think of it?...You are in deep shvit mate...this thing has to be nipped in the bud or you might as well file for divorce!....At 66 that is one hell of an expectation to live with...you need legal advice straight away as you may well be very vulnerable...send the flowers then act,If she plays silly buggers about the Flowers,then tell her you have taken legal advice and if she doesn't just drop this Guy then you intend to file for divorce...If I had done that 11 Years ago I believe I would still be happily married!

 

[mangotot]

I'd say affair is going on. If it wasen't, why was the secret meetings mentioned? Gym is just a cover for meeting.

 

[Tictac]

PIs aren't cheap. But, one way or the other, you will learn something very important.

'Same time tomorrow' will make this pretty simple.

 

[Frogster]

Anonymous flowers will make her suspicious.

She will ask this other guy first, and when he says he didn't send them, she will know you're on to her.

I'd just follow her.

 

[exhausted]

Hey all.

My wife joined a gym recently. She's not overweight and hasn't mentioned wanting to join before but then a few months ago said she fancied it and off she went. Anyway, recently I noticed a guy regularly 'liking' her Facebook comments. not just the odd one but lots of them. I've never heard if him before and I know most of her Facebook friends.

I was using her phone the other day and her Facebook was left on. I'm not a snooper - it's just not my style but a message popped up from the same guy and I opened it. All of their previous private conversations came up 'same time tomorrow. x', 'I'll pick you up around 4.x' etc. I don't know what to think.

There's no sexualized talk although each sentence ends with a 'x' and she's never mentioned him before. Why would she not? I don't know what to do next.

If you do NOT know about it then she is snooping behind your back and being dishonest.

Have a talk with her asap, if she feels she is doing nothing wrong there is a problem. **** there is a problem anyways, be a man and take control of your marriage if she is not agreeable with you doing that you will never have a marriage anyways.

 

[Cejay]

Man I hope you're not in my club!!

It could be totally innocent but it does smell a bit to me, but I'm jaded. I found out through my wife's phone that she had been cheating too. There are lots of us here.
Even after she was caught red handed I still had to drag the truth out of her. Still, its worth talking to her about it and gauging reaction.

If it were me, I'd keep it casual, and I'd bring him up, and try to understand more about the relationship. I'd be referencing Facebook and not the phone thing.
If the "likes" stop suddenly after the talk you'll know they discussed it. If it were innocent that wouldn't be a problem, right?

The second thing is, if you manage the phone accounts, and its texts and not iMsg (iPhones which uses data not txt) then your online phone bill may list the text events. So by checking your account online you may be able to determine the frequency and number of texts between them. Also depending on your status regarding the accounts you could maybe call the phone company to determine some of this but try online first.
Thats not evidence per se but it is an indicator about the relationship.

There are also "find my phone" apps that can be installed and you could find her if need be.

I'd be tempted to follow her and/or schedule things that would interfere with the time. It could just be that they like working out together too, right?

I know you're not a snoop, I wasn't either but after I found out there were so many "clicks" on things I hadn't connected that became real obvious, real fast. In my case they were pretty good at covering their tracks but also capturing packets on my router would have revealed their communication. I trusted her tho so didn't look.

CJ.

 

[Tenacity]

With all due respect to some of the others that posted, I'm a grown a.ss man and there's no way I'm about to do any of the childish games like hire an investigator or send fake flowers to try and figure out if a woman that I made "vows" to, and who is supposed to be my "lifelong partner and best friend" is doing some shaddy shyt behind my back.

If you think she's fvcking the guy, ASK HER. Say flat out, "Yo baby, what are these messages on your FB from this guy talking about some same time tomorrow shyt? Are you fvcking this clown while you are supposedly at the gym?" If she says, "Why you going through my phone/FB?" Say, "Because I'm your husband and FELT like it, now are you going to answer or do I have to start the divorce proceeding?" If she doesn't answer you but plays the "I hate you because you are insecure" card then start calling your attorney to make sure your ducks are in order.

It's one of the reasons why I think marriage itself is stupid, I don't see how any human being can only have sex with only ONE other human being for the rest of their life? At some point or another they are going to screw someone else on the side, so if I was married I honestly would expect it at some point. I would seriously have an understanding with my "wife" that listen, I'm a human being and I love you, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna want to fvck another chick sometime between our expected lifelong marriage. So we need to configure up some plans on how we are going to handle this. I wouldn't even expect her NOT to fvck another guy. The issue is that if she's doing it behind my back and not telling me, if you are going to do some shyt like that you damn well better tell me so I can be there to watch it OR SOMETHING lol.

 

[Prime_Beef]

Dear Thunder,
Jimmies idea is aqbsolutely brilliant,why didn't I think of it?...You are in deep shvit mate...this thing has to be nipped in the bud or you might as well file for divorce!....At 66 that is one hell of an expectation to live with...you need legal advice straight away as you may well be very vulnerable...send the flowers then act,If she plays silly buggers about the Flowers,then tell her you have taken legal advice and if she doesn't just drop this Guy then you intend to file for divorce...If I had done that 11 Years ago I believe I would still be happily married!

Never do this..never tell them "..or I will start legal action.." ever. You tell them "..I filed..maybe there's something more we can do or discuss.."

You protect yourself first. Get legal advice, move money where you can, prepare to file...meaning signature and check away.

THEN you ask grown as.s man questions straight up. If it's all a mistake, life goes on. You have a right to see whatever you want in your marriage. Protect your finances.

 

[Tictac]

People in affairs are pathological liars.

I went the PI route after doing all the 'good guy' stuff.

If you've never been through it, you've no idea.

 

[backbreaker]

I'm married to and if that happened to me and i saw my wife's phone and some random ass dude is talking about picking my wife up without me knowing about it, i'd be at the lawyer's office in the morning filing for a divorce.

I mean I have female friends, one in particular but I am on the up and up with everything I do. I never do nothing without telling her what I am doing and I do exactly what I say I'm going to do, I don't say I"m going to starbucks and then go over a broads house AFTER starbucks or any crap like that.


even if your wife is not cheating on you she's just not a loyal person.

 

[In2theGame]

Hey all.

My wife joined a gym recently. She's not overweight and hasn't mentioned wanting to join before but then a few months ago said she fancied it and off she went. Anyway, recently I noticed a guy regularly 'liking' her Facebook comments. not just the odd one but lots of them. I've never heard if him before and I know most of her Facebook friends.

I was using her phone the other day and her Facebook was left on. I'm not a snooper - it's just not my style but a message popped up from the same guy and I opened it. All of their previous private conversations came up 'same time tomorrow. x', 'I'll pick you up around 4.x' etc. I don't know what to think.

There's no sexualized talk although each sentence ends with a 'x' and she's never mentioned him before. Why would she not? I don't know what to do next.

And... so gentlemen, this is how the affair begins....

By the way, you cant really bring it up because even though you are correct in discovering this about your wife, she will accuse you of spying on her and not respecting her privacy. She will also throw in some Bullsh!t lines like "He's just a training partner, nothing more!" etc...and thus you will be now views as "insecure and controlling" for viewing some suspicious conversation your wife was having, rightfully so since your her Husband. I also wonder what that "X" means.

 

[Tenacity]

In2theGame

By the way, you cant really bring it up because even though you are correct in discovering this about your wife, she will accuse you of spying on her and not respecting her privacy. She will also throw in some Bullsh!t lines like "He's just a training partner, nothing more!" etc...and thus you will be now views as "insecure and controlling" for viewing some suspicious conversation your wife was having, rightfully so since your her Husband. I also wonder what that "X" means.

This is exactly what she will do, because it's a feminist shaming tactic. A woman can go through your phone, email, FB, etc. without the "shame" of being called insecure and controlling. When a man does it, he's weak, not a real man, not a strong man, etc.

If you allow yourself to be PLAYED with the feminist games and shaming, then they will most likely use it on you. If you don't ALLOW it, you can't be gamed or shamed.

I can't be shamed, pimped, gamed, or anything of the such because I don't NEED a chick. And if I made the decision to marry a woman then we are no longer "independent, separate individuals"....technically what's mine is hers and what's hers is mine. That's the law. So HER phone is your phone, HER FB is your FB, HER Friends are YOUR friends. You have a RIGHT to be on her FB, in her Inbox, and you have a RIGHT to know who her workout partner is.

Lol, yeah they are "working" out alright, just not the type of "exercising" that you think. I can see her lying a.ss coming home right now to him, all sweaty from just getting BANGED for an hour and using the excuse as to why she's all sweaty is due to the Treadmill lol.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Prime Beef,
I agree with most of your post and in general am dead against giving ultimatums,however sometimes,a good shock can bring them to their senses.....Bettina Arndt in her book the "Sex Diaries"follows the diaries of 110 Australian Couples Sex lives over a year...Interesting Read, there were during that time 11 couples who seemed headed for divorce,there were three of the Guys in these situations who delivered Ultimatums,one of these salvaged his Marriage all the others went under!

 

[Prime_Beef]

A ultimatum you are not ****ed, locked and ready to rock is an idle threat...which leaves you in a worse, disrespected weak position.

If she comes home, he has paperwork ready to go, any joint assets he'd be troubled to lose secured somewhere, he's good to go. Perhaps even arrange new living quarters.

Personally, I would start the conversation calmly at the table, just the two of us. A magazine party coveri NH a manila folder.

I would pull out the printouts of the Facebook messages, lay them on the table. I would ask not what, not did you, not how could...but why is this going on? The OP knows her mannerisms and propensity for mendacity.

I'd ask if this needs to end, or if it is salvageable, how so.. pull out the divorce papers, place on table. Let her know what's happening is not tolerable and see how deep the rabbit hole goes from there.

I suggest legal action early to protect yourself. Dates and timing mean a lot. Been my observation women willing to cheat on you will not divorce amicably. They rationalize away what they do. Only a loaded gun or no gun at all, so to speak.

 

[vinkoch]

Really guys don't just tell this guy his wife is cheating on him. None of us know all the facts. It sounds suspicious for sure though. And asking her won't do anything because she's not going to admit it and some people do still react badly when they're innocent. It will also cue her to start covering her tracks better. I don't see how hiring a PI is a game. That's what they're for. If she's innocent and finds out then you'll look kinda crazy though lol

 

[Albatross953]

Been there, done that. Anyone who hasn't is underqualified to provide advice.

Keylogger, find out what's happening.
If an affair EXPOSE to her family and friends. Same for him. Seriously screw him over with it.
File, protect your assets. Don't bother trying to "save it", the resentment will rot you from the inside.