Had sex and but should i fess up too it?

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... If you tell her. She should be able to respect that you told her. If she doesnt thow you have to understand her actions.

Yet I ask again, just how many women will actually (truthfully) want to know, be able to handle it, forgive and move on without feeling that the relationship is tainted?

It's the same thing as why women seldom tell guys they start dating just how many guys she's been with in the past. Should she morally tell him (and don't bring up the aids thing) or leave it unsaid and focus on the good parts of the relationship?

Women will not tell guys and I don't blame them. Most men can not handle it and how will knowing it benifit the relationship?

 

[Point Blank]

No, noob! Have all the sex you want!

 

[ThunderMaverick]

*bump* updates, hoogie!

 

[Hoogie]

soz.... she lives outta town and couldnt get it to talk the other nite.. and only seen her with my son there apart from that... dont really wanna talk about it with him there

Tomorrow nite... ill update

 

[niceguydying]

In my opinon Doc Love gives great advice. Look here and see what he thinks about telling on yourself: http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/doc_love/cheating-and-confession.htm

 

[grr]

What everyone here fails to realize is that Hoogie is NOT a DJ. If he was he wouldn't have cheated in the first place, or he wouldn't have the urge to confess. Either of those paths imply he made a mistake, which is very un-dj-like.

To me, a serious committment to become a better man along with bearing the silence of your guilt is a better investment than confessing this horrible thing so you can say "sorry", she can say "ok", and then you can do it again.

AFC's preaching in their replies about "what if she finds out?", "do the right thing", etc.

We're trying to help people and you guys just want your insecurities justified. Sorry but:

You want to make a noble sacrifice like heros in storybooks?

Here's a REAL challenge: Sacrifice that childlike innocence you cling to and man up. It was just a bit of sex....ok so don't do cheat in the future if you feel that way, but this one time is nothing to ruin a family over by needlessly confessing.

 

[Hoogie]

I believe I did the right thing

We talked and things got pretty **** and emotional.. but I told her that I was taking responsibility, making no excuses, all things that whilst accepting my sh!tty act was showing her that I'm not hidding from it.

It ended with her saying she forgave me... I then was shocked... and asked her how she could forgive me so easily and told her that she really couldnt mean that... she said that she cant hate me and that hating me would be like hating a part of him... (massive respect for her after this... massive!)... i really think she has forgiven me too..AND she thanked me for telling her

I asked her what she thinks about us too... (prolly very AFC like but, meh!) and whilst it seems like its going to be hard there is a chance... but only a chance in a while...needs time..

but time is exactly what i want.... cause with time a DJ can work....
this has helped me have a look at myself and see what I need to be, not just for her to be interested, but for other women and with this "time" I can better myself... explore, improve, experiment (DEFINATELY WITH NO CHEATING OF COURSE THO..... HAVE MOST DEFIANTELY LEARNT MY LESSON) and become a new man.
im on a new path lads and it can only lead to good things..

... the only thing is that whilst i think this helped me.... without the strong ties and the strong relationship that we had before.... i dont think that it would have worked... i was seriously doubting myself halfway through too... and i think in the end it only JUST worked out good... but compared to how I thought i would go... im glad... very glad...

So thanks guys... whether things work out or not.. i did the right thing even tho it'll suck if things dont go right. But i feel even if they do.. i went the right way

 

[AngelusPUA]

I believe I did the right thing

We talked and things got pretty **** and emotional.. but I told her that I was taking responsibility, making no excuses, all things that whilst accepting my sh!tty act was showing her that I'm not hidding from it.

It ended with her saying she forgave me... I then was shocked... and asked her how she could forgive me so easily and told her that she really couldnt mean that... she said that she cant hate me and that hating me would be like hating a part of him... (massive respect for her after this... massive!)... i really think she has forgiven me too..AND she thanked me for telling her

I asked her what she thinks about us too... (prolly very AFC like but, meh!) and whilst it seems like its going to be hard there is a chance... but only a chance in a while...needs time..

but time is exactly what i want.... cause with time a DJ can work....
this has helped me have a look at myself and see what I need to be, not just for her to be interested, but for other women and with this "time" I can better myself... explore, improve, experiment (DEFINATELY WITH NO CHEATING OF COURSE THO..... HAVE MOST DEFIANTELY LEARNT MY LESSON) and become a new man.
im on a new path lads and it can only lead to good things..

... the only thing is that whilst i think this helped me.... without the strong ties and the strong relationship that we had before.... i dont think that it would have worked... i was seriously doubting myself halfway through too... and i think in the end it only JUST worked out good... but compared to how I thought i would go... im glad... very glad...

So thanks guys... whether things work out or not.. i did the right thing even tho it'll suck if things dont go right. But i feel even if they do.. i went the right way

Good to hear man, you did the right thing..... Goodluck

 

[d9930380]

This is where girls rule. They wouldn't even be asking this question. It's a no-brainer. Swallow your guilt and don't tell, even if she takes you back it would probably ruin it in the long run. You have already made the mistake, NOTHING you do will help.

As for trust. SHE can't trust you, you're a cheater so you shouldn't expect it from her. Trust will have to built up again but if she ever finds out she will NEVER trust you.

As for the two years down the track argument. It's a danger sure but now there isn't that great a reason to give it another chance apart from the kid but quite frankly she probably would prefer to take her chances alone. Two years down the line, you have built up time where you have been faithful and been a good guy. It will be alot more to give up plus given the time, you can always manipulate it a little and say it was during the break and it was because you where angry/upset whatever bull**** she will believe.

BTW - I love it the way the fact that she was ugly made it worse. lol

 

[d9930380]

Hoogie - My post was written before you said you confessed. Your either very lucky or either very unlucky.

I don't know the details but if a girl reacted like that I would suspect she has a few secrets she isn't telling you. At least I would have expected anger and a time to think - hell it's even a chance to put you under the thumb for a while. To just say "I forgive you" is weird.

Most girls have been hurt by men in the past and therefore can always make an argument to themselves for not telling a guy they've cheated and therefore don't. Maybe she's one without baggage, maybe you're just lucky and haven't got one with baggage.

 

[d9930380]

Francisco d'Anconia wrote - "It's the same thing as why women seldom tell guys they start dating just how many guys she's been with in the past. Should she morally tell him (and don't bring up the aids thing) or leave it unsaid and focus on the good parts of the relationship?

Women will not tell guys and I don't blame them. Most men can not handle it and how will knowing it benifit the relationship?"

Too true - I love it when people here say confidently - I've slept with more girls than any of my girlfriends have slept with guys. Bull**** - that's just what they tell you to a) so they don't come across as a slut and b) a guy can't get over the fact that his girl has had LOADS of ****s in her.

Truth is - It's easier for a girl to get sex and they're just as horny as men so it makes sense. Every group of girls I've ever met on holiday, normal holidays not Ibiza, have shagged all round them. 2 to 7 different guys in the week. Even the total players (those that go out for a shag every night) will only score once or twice that night. What's the difference - It's a holiday, they're practically anoymous. The ****tiest thing is they also get to **** good looking guys too - even if they're just average. It's definately easier for girls but when they DO get a boyfriend will they tell their AFC dude that number - hell no.

I hate to break everyone's bubble here.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Dude, you didn't break anyone's bubble here so don't apologize. Hoogie felt he did the right thing and I agree. Karma will come back to you if you stay silent. No telling is lying in it's own way. And if it makes you feel rotten inside it's not good to keep it there. Man up and face your mistakes and take responsibility. Good job, Hoogie and I hope things work out with your and your family! ^_^

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What everyone here fails to realize is that Hoogie is NOT a DJ. If he was he wouldn't have cheated in the first place, or he wouldn't have the urge to confess. Either of those paths imply he made a mistake, which is very un-dj-like.

To me, a serious committment to become a better man along with bearing the silence of your guilt is a better investment than confessing this horrible thing so you can say "sorry", she can say "ok", and then you can do it again.

AFC's preaching in their replies about "what if she finds out?", "do the right thing", etc.

We're trying to help people and you guys just want your insecurities justified. Sorry but:

You want to make a noble sacrifice like heros in storybooks?

Here's a REAL challenge: Sacrifice that childlike innocence you cling to and man up. It was just a bit of sex....ok so don't do cheat in the future if you feel that way, but this one time is nothing to ruin a family over by needlessly confessing.

Bravo!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Dude, you didn't break anyone's bubble here so don't apologize. Hoogie felt he did the right thing and I agree. Karma will come back to you if you stay silent. No telling is lying in it's own way. And if it makes you feel rotten inside it's not good to keep it there. Man up and face your mistakes and take responsibility. Good job, Hoogie and I hope things work out with your and your family! ^_^

So what about the karma about cheating, that's the real issue. None the less, even though she forgave him, any guy who has been in a LTR and has fvcked up in one way or another knows that a woman may easily forgive if it's in her nature but she will never forget. Hoogie, just be prepared if it does come back to haunt you via the regurgitation by your woman.

 

[AngelusPUA]

What everyone here fails to realize is that Hoogie is NOT a DJ. If he was he wouldn't have cheated in the first place, or he wouldn't have the urge to confess. Either of those paths imply he made a mistake, which is very un-dj-like.

To me, a serious committment to become a better man along with bearing the silence of your guilt is a better investment than confessing this horrible thing so you can say "sorry", she can say "ok", and then you can do it again.

AFC's preaching in their replies about "what if she finds out?", "do the right thing", etc.

We're trying to help people and you guys just want your insecurities justified. Sorry but:

You want to make a noble sacrifice like heros in storybooks?

Here's a REAL challenge: Sacrifice that childlike innocence you cling to and man up. It was just a bit of sex....ok so don't do cheat in the future if you feel that way, but this one time is nothing to ruin a family over by needlessly confessing.

What you fail to realize is some people that have a conscience (not me) would rather get it off their chest than live the rest of their lives in a lie. It was obviously eating him up inside and he had to tell, I was just helping him do what he really wanted to do.

Oh and it turned out fine, if he didn't tell her the guilt would have slowly eroded their relationship.

He came here wanting to tell her he just needed people to confirm it, regardless of what was said her he would have told.

Now if a guy came on here and said “I cheated on my girlfriend and I don’t care it was just a bit of fun but I’ve been thinking would a DJ tell his GF he cheated on her?” I would tell him not to tell.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

..Oh and it turned out fine, if he didn't tell her the guilt would have slowly eroded their relationship....

From your own explanation it would have been him eroding, not the relationship. And as you said, it was his inability to live with what he did which made him want to come clean. It was all about him not the relationship and like many who posted in this thread, they tried to mask it in the "health" of the relationship.

The funny thing is that few people even mentioned his infidelity as hurting the relationship. I guess their premise is that you can knowingly fvck up something good as long as you come clean about it. No accountability until after the fact.

 

[AngelusPUA]

You need to consider he wanted to tell her, not you can say would have changed his mins so all there is to do is support him.

 

[Hoogie]

hmmm ... really thinking about it I did want to tell her... id think ur right Angelus.. but I think really i wanted to discuss more the outcome of both ways.. while i wanted to tell her, there may have been things that i didnt think about.. and its true there was a few things...

But really Fransico I didnt ever think it was the relationship the would screw things up... i knew it would be me... accepting that is really part of accepting that fact that i royally fu<ked up...

I admit that it was me and a problem with me... but im 1/2 of the relationship ... so im obviously going to affect it

 

[grr]

See Angelus?

You just reinforced his behavior, which he admits is his problem.

You both can't see the error because you're trained to snitch on yourselves when you do something you regret. OBVIOUSLY, that hasn't worked so far.

And, yeah he updated us telling us she was "ok" with it. But as others alluded to, this is just the beginning. Anytime you fight:

You: So baby why don't you go down on me?
Her: LIKE THAT W H O R E??

hehe, half-joking but you get the picture:

Your kid: At school today we learned about fidelity, Daddy have you ever cheated on Mommy?
You & Mom: .... (Oh we better lie! Oh, but wait wouldn't that mean we need to eventually confess???)

Ah yes, the double standard, comes in and tears all these moral issues to shred. Because at the end of the day none of you are more moral than Francisco or I.

Ignorant intent is not an excuse for being a fvck-up. You will never change if you don't take direct responsibility for your actions, regardless of your intent. Your parents should have grounded you more often for breaking the crystal. Sure, you didn't INTEND to, but you sure as fvck did it, and maybe next time you'll try a little hard to prevent it.

Focus on end result if you want control of your life. That's the point, and once you understand that, you'll understand why telling her was a silly idea judging from the info you provided.

But yeah, congrats that, to feel better about yourself, you had to have a woman "forgive" you. I'm just saying, man: maybe you need to break this pattern.

You're the man. You're the role model. Telling people about stupid things you did will not help that goal.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...But really Fransico I didnt ever think it was the relationship the would screw things up... i knew it would be me... accepting that is really part of accepting that fact that i royally fu<ked up...

A word of advice for the future, as long as you believe that you will fvck up the relationship (even if you're only half of it) you more than likely will. There is something to self fulfilling prophecies.

No matter what you do in a relationship you are either contributing to it or contaminating it. I suggest focusing on the former.