Had sex and but should i fess up too it?

[ThunderMaverick]

Most people 'confess' their sins, under the self-delusion that they're doing it in an attempt to be honest with a loved, so that they can take responsibility for their actions and ultimately 'move on' with a healthier relationship. Bullsh*t.

Very easy to try to make it cut and dry like that, but it's not that simple. I've had instances where I cheated very early on in the relationship, but I had to build that trust over again and be honest in everything relationship wise, and so far it has worked. "Confessing" is in a way repentance. It's about learning where you ****ed up and not doing it again or else you'll repeat the same pain over again. Hey some people care about not screwing it up, and some do. Obviously Hoogie would like to try to start over. Let him try. If he thinks it's worth it then let him go for it.

It's the psychology of confession. In the church, you confess your sins (albeit with anonymity) and God effectively takes them on, absolving you of the responsibility for them. You can then carry on with your life, happy and content in the knowledge that your conscience is clear. (Until you f**k up again)

Technically Jesus takes them on, but you're right. And no, forgiveness from God doesn't mean that it's an "I'll mess around again for free pass". It's a path to true change. Or ideally, that's the purpose of it. Alot of people do, and alot of people don't.

Let me ask this... what MAN would let a loved one take on the burden for his own indiscretions and the responsibility for the next move?

What does this mean?

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Oh I see. A guy fvcks up with a woman and instead of not wanting to hurt her more, he decides to tell everything because he can't handle his own guilt.

The strange thing is that they weren't even dating anymore and you think he should still tell her. So I guess you feel that even after breaking up with someone you shouldn't bed anyone else.

Oh please cut it out with the eye rolling. Alrighty Mr. Know it all, if you were paying attention he said that he slept with another girl a week BEFORE him and his ex broke up. They were still together. He feels bad because he was with his EX when he cheated on her! As a person who is sticking his penis in other women, women that she has no knowledge about, it's his duty to tell her if he's getting back with her. He's trying to make it work and he can't do that knowing he's keeping things from her. I'm sure he's also thinking "what if were her that cheated? If I wanted to be closer to this woman, we can't do that if she's keeping things from me". I can understand if this is a booty call or a fling, but he wants his ex back in his HEART. It's not as simple as a late night bang with some stranger.

Keeping things from your significant other defeats the true purpose of a committed relationship.
He's going to tell her eventually whether you guys think so or not. Good for him.

Don't keep things from those you love. They deserve the truth.

 

[AngelusPUA]

Is everybody ignoring the fact that he has a child to consider? He has to tell her and do right by his kid.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You guys have a funny way of "protecting" the relationship. You're treating the woman as is she was a guy, as if she would truly want to know and be able to forgive him for it. You have no concept of the average woman's psyche.

Even if she was one of the few who do forgive, they will never forget. Her knowing will completely change the concept of their relation as they know it. And frankly, if she was one who could forgive, I doubt that the question would even be raised in the forum.

You guys need to consider whether it's worth being right over doing what will work for the relationship.

 

[AngelusPUA]

I know how the female psyche operates, I know she probably won’t forget but if in 2 years time she finds out and it ends in a messy breakup the kid is the only one who gets screwed over.

It's not about keeping the relationship together it’s about being a man.

B*tches run and hide, men face up to their problems.

I guess I'm one of the few men out there who would rather die on his feet than live on his knees.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Angelus, you're not alone, mate. ^_~


You guys need to consider whether it's worth being right over doing what will work for the relationship.

Will it work if it ain't right?

Secrets are kept, things are unsaid, relationship rots on the inside. If she truly wants to restart something with him and is in love with him, she will forgive. Will she forget? No. But with more and more trust, it'll will become less and less painful to think about. She'll realize that he messed up, wants to start over and is willing to lay his problems on the table so that they as a committed couple will work through it. If it's worth fighting for then that's all that matters. The truth shall set you free!

 

[Un-Aru]

Originally posted by ThunderMaverick
Very easy to try to make it cut and dry like that, but it's not that simple. I've had instances where I cheated very early on in the relationship, but I had to build that trust over again and be honest in everything relationship wise, and so far it has worked. "Confessing" is in a way repentance. It's about learning where you ****ed up and not doing it again or else you'll repeat the same pain over again. Hey some people care about not screwing it up, and some do. Obviously Hoogie would like to try to start over. Let him try. If he thinks it's worth it then let him go for it.

If Hoogie wants to start over that's good, perhaps he's realised the error of his ways and is ready to make a real committment. Which is fantastic if that's what he desires. My issue is with what 'confessing' really represents.
I agree that 'confessing' is repentance. My point is that most use it under the guise that they're looking to be open and honest and 'move forward.' That's a part of it for certain, it's the end goal if you will. However the overriding factor is the desire to rid themselves of the negative feelings that are consuming them by way of absolution - so they have the feeling that they CAN move on.

And what happens when you confess you to your loved one? You feel a bit better about yourself. However SHE is absolutely gutted, crying her eyes out with the: "I can't believe you would do that to me" speech. And you say something along the lines of: "I'm so sorry babe, I just wanted to be honest with you, start over with a clean slate." If you were truly honest you should have said: "I can't handle these feelings of guilt anymore, I need you to lift them for me so I can feel better about myself."

Some on here have said 'a MAN takes responsibility for his actions.' Completely true, and is being taken out of context here. In this case, a man's actions are the cause of his own negative feelings, therefore he should be a MAN and deal with those feelings on his own, and not attempt to absolve himself by destroying another person, especially someone he loves.

 

[AngelusPUA]

If Hoogie wants to start over that's good, perhaps he's realised the error of his ways and is ready to make a real committment. Which is fantastic if that's what he desires. My issue is with what 'confessing' really represents.
I agree that 'confessing' is repentance. My point is that most use it under the guise that they're looking to be open and honest and 'move forward.' That's a part of it for certain, it's the end goal if you will. However the overriding factor is the desire to rid themselves of the negative feelings that are consuming them by way of absolution - so they have the feeling that they CAN move on.

And what happens when you confess you to your loved one? You feel a bit better about yourself. However SHE is absolutely gutted, crying her eyes out with the: "I can't believe you would do that to me" speech. And you say something along the lines of: "I'm so sorry babe, I just wanted to be honest with you, start over with a clean slate." If you were truly honest you should have said: "I can't handle these feelings of guilt anymore, I need you to lift them for me so I can feel better about myself."

Some on here have said 'a MAN takes responsibility for his actions.' Completely true, and is being taken out of context here. In this case, a man's actions are the cause of his own negative feelings, therefore he should be a MAN and deal with those feelings on his own, and not attempt to absolve himself by destroying another person, especially someone he loves.

Spin it however you want to

 

[niceguydying]

Confessions made to GOD almighty are forgiven, why because it is GOD's nature. Women are not GOD and forgiveness will not come! She may in time or right away say she fogives you, but you know what???? SHE WILL NOT!!! If you were married to her, then it would be more difficult.

I tell you what.... Even though I have been in similar situations like you and confessed and it never turned out good! But for shyts and giggles, tell her and report back what happens. I am willing to bet my crummy a$$ county government payroll check it won't be good and to your liking.

NEVER and I mean EVER tell on yourself! It may kill you conscience, but do criminals ever admit to their crimes. Most of the time NO!! Not to equate you to a criminal, but if it bothers you like another here suggested, there is a reason she was your ex.. Get a new girl and life and try and not fail into the same crap.

Admit nothing and deny everything. NOW, if you honestly find somoene that you carry deeply about I would say to be faithful. Another way to look at is would you want her doing this to you. Of course not, but since it's been done learn from the experience. That is why I mentioned married above.

 

[AngelusPUA]

I'll just say one more thing...........

It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

 

[JonJack]

The poster clearly states that he wants to create a relationship based on trust and lay it all out in the open.

It's obvious that the desired outcome is that the girl will accept it all and take him back and have a fine and dandy relationship. However, I hope that is not the objective. Because the outcome could very well be her not being very forgiving and losing all respect, interest and desire for you.

Thus, the choice to confess or not is a simple one. Just take into consideration the worst possible outcome and the best possible outcome of any decision you plan to make. Well, we'll leave the actual details and logic aside. Just imagine it being really bad or really good. Since both options could have a terrible outcome or a really good one, you don't think and analyse about the outcome. You think about the choices. The choice of confessing or the choice of silence. Which choice do you want to take? Once again, FVCK the outcome. It is pointless to think about it when you don't even fvcking know what could, will or might happen. You choose then you experience the outcome, whatever it may be. If you have a problem facing bad outcomes, the only advice I have is that you cease dreaming about fairy tale endings and start understanding the reality of life and people.

 

[Hoogie]

I need to tell her... I cant not.... I completely understand that the outcome will more than likely go $hit sour... but I dont think I could build an honest relationship on not telling her.
Really, I wanna be a DJ and look at the situation in a way thats logic and is most likely going to work out best for both of us. But I dont think I can... its a decision between wrong and right and whilst nice guys finish last, I think thats whats best.

Honestly I think this will can things between me and her and we probably wont get together, and yeah it does Fu<kin suck, and no, im not just doing it for the drama of the matter but i gotta take responsibility for my $hit and I couldnt honestly look at her, while she's looking at me thinking I'm this great guy who she can love and trust, without thinking back on the crappiest thing I've ever done.

So I'll keep you posted, cause I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow and tell her.
OH! and niceguydying... how much is that crummy pay check?

 

[Phoenix_of_the_ashes]

I completely agree that you need to tell her. The guys that say lie are wusses. All of their reasoning is just a coup out to avoid doing the thing that is hard and that is right.

If you and your girl both want the best for your kid, and it seems like you do, then I think it can be settled productively.

And you people all act like these things can never resurface at a later time, like she can never find out. In Germany we have a saying "Lies have long legs.".

 

[AngelusPUA]

I completely agree that you need to tell her. The guys that say lie are wusses. All of their reasoning is just a coup out to avoid doing the thing that is hard and that is right.

If you and your girl both want the best for your kid, and it seems like you do, then I think it can be settled productively.

And you people all act like these things can never resurface at a later time, like she can never find out. In Germany we have a saying "Lies have long legs.".

Don't say all because I been saying since the start what a detrimental effect it would have on the kid if two year later his GF find out and they break up.

 

[Phoenix_of_the_ashes]

Don't say all because I been saying since the start what a detrimental effect it would have on the kid if two year later his GF find out and they break up.

Dont worry man, I read your posts.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I tell you what.... Even though I have been in similar situations like you and confessed and it never turned out good! But for shyts and giggles, tell her and report back what happens. I am willing to bet my crummy a$$ county government payroll check it won't be good and to your liking.


I've confessed and things have turned out great. I wanted forgiveness and I worked for trust. She thought I was worth it enough to make it work as well. It depends on how much you want to invest in each other. *shrugs*


NEVER and I mean EVER tell on yourself! It may kill you conscience, but do criminals ever admit to their crimes. Most of the time NO!! Not to equate you to a criminal, but if it bothers you like another here suggested, there is a reason she was your ex.. Get a new girl and life and try and not fail into the same crap.

He's not a criminal dude, and he's not thinking like one. Criminals lack a certain part of conscience and morale which makes them able to do what they do. A criminal wouldn't have a problem with this because it compromises nothing in him and does not consider the other parties well being.


JonJack also has a point. Just do what you think is right and let the chips fall where they may. I definetly stick by you should be honest, because if you're not then what's the point? What separates her from anyone else you've been with? Is she worth it? You obviously think she is and you want to be upfront. I find that very admirable. I hope whatever happens that it's for the best interest of you, your ex and your child.

God bless and I hope for the best. Give us updates, will you?

 

[Tomatoes]

I need to tell her... I cant not.... I completely understand that the outcome will more than likely go $hit sour... but I dont think I could build an honest relationship on not telling her.
Really, I wanna be a DJ and look at the situation in a way thats logic and is most likely going to work out best for both of us. But I dont think I can... its a decision between wrong and right and whilst nice guys finish last, I think thats whats best.

Honestly I think this will can things between me and her and we probably wont get together, and yeah it does Fu<kin suck, and no, im not just doing it for the drama of the matter but i gotta take responsibility for my $hit and I couldnt honestly look at her, while she's looking at me thinking I'm this great guy who she can love and trust, without thinking back on the crappiest thing I've ever done.

So I'll keep you posted, cause I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow and tell her.
OH! and niceguydying... how much is that crummy pay check?

Since my first post i have kept quiet on this thread. Mainly because at the end of the day the only one that can answer this question is you Hoogie. I personally wouldnt know what to do. TO not tell her is the best corse of action however its not the CORRECT corse of action. If you tell her. She should be able to respect that you told her. If she doesnt thow you have to understand her actions.

It was always going to be a hard choice.

Her or a clear conscience. I think you have made a wise choice.


Im intrested how she takes it.....Get back to us with her response.


Sarge On!

 

[AngelusPUA]

Definetly let us know, you done the right thing....

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

If Hoogie wants to start over that's good, perhaps he's realised the error of his ways and is ready to make a real committment. Which is fantastic if that's what he desires. My issue is with what 'confessing' really represents.
I agree that 'confessing' is repentance. My point is that most use it under the guise that they're looking to be open and honest and 'move forward.' That's a part of it for certain, it's the end goal if you will. However the overriding factor is the desire to rid themselves of the negative feelings that are consuming them by way of absolution - so they have the feeling that they CAN move on.

And what happens when you confess you to your loved one? You feel a bit better about yourself. However SHE is absolutely gutted, crying her eyes out with the: "I can't believe you would do that to me" speech. And you say something along the lines of: "I'm so sorry babe, I just wanted to be honest with you, start over with a clean slate." If you were truly honest you should have said: "I can't handle these feelings of guilt anymore, I need you to lift them for me so I can feel better about myself."

Some on here have said 'a MAN takes responsibility for his actions.' Completely true, and is being taken out of context here. In this case, a man's actions are the cause of his own negative feelings, therefore he should be a MAN and deal with those feelings on his own, and not attempt to absolve himself by destroying another person, especially someone he loves.

This guy that understands.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Definetly let us know, you done the right thing....

Or what works...