Had our first fight

[guitaronfire411]

I sort of did what Bible Belt suggested. Maybe it was dumb, but I felt it was a good idea:

Don't answer your phone on Fri or Sat night. Make her wonder if you are out with another girl. [...] They do work if they are actions - like you going out with a different girl the weekend that she blows you off. Don't talk about it; don't tell her, just do it.

I told her that I needed to speak to her in person, she tried phoning me, and then I didn't answer. Then she left me a message on FB saying that she phoned and "no answer..."

 

[DonJuan11]

She was fairly affectionate with holding hands and kissing, but I'm no longer getting tongued, and she isn't getting naked like the time before and she won't put out. I told her to stop teasng me and she claimed that she wasn't.

Translation: You can't kiss me and then not get naked and let me inside of you. I can't handle that. Either we go all the way or you can go to hell.

Sounds very sexy in a girl's mind.

I tried to assure that it was okay and started to pull her panties down, but she responded very angrily, warning that she would kick me out of her dorm....unfortunately, I was dumb and I persisted straight away (bad) and she threatened to go and sleep in her friend's room and got up and started to leave. I calmly said, "Hey baby, come back to bed, it's okay," and gestured her back into bed with my fingers. She complied and said that she was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I hugged her and told her something like "I obviously respect you because I stopped, didn't I?"

Today she said that she wasn't happy that she didn't have the whole bed, and that her past boyfriends never stayed over. She said that my staying over was weird, and I said that her boyfriends not staying over was weird. I also added that sleeping in her bed without getting sex was weird.

LOL. Translation: If I sleep with a girl in the same bed, I'm putting it inside of her no matter what the hell she wants.

She said "I'm mad at you" either in the early AM last night and shutdown on all affection. I got up a little while later and watched some TV, and she then asked me where i had gone. I told her straight up that "I wasn't happy with the way that I was being treated, so I left." She said "Good night" and that was that. We didn't even finish watching the movie we started... And I got the feeling that she kept on checking the clock to get rid of me today.

On the phone, she said to her sister that they could hang out as a group -- her, her sister's boyfriend and her sister /right infront of me/. I asked her why she didn't invite me along to the comedy club and she excused it as, "I thought you would be busy Wednesday night."

Translation: Why the hell don't you invite me out and make me feel important?

So I'm thinking about LJBFing this girl over Facebook and switching my status back to "Single". She isn't putting out and obviously she isn't doing as much for me as before. She made me eggs this morning but the affection is non-existent now.

She has two movies of mine but that's it.

Dude, if she's not giving you sex or being as affectionate as before, you have to pull away as much as possible. You don't push harder for sex or kissing or going out, because then she will know she has you emotionally and will make it harder for you to get anything. Plus, your job is to make her feel important and special, invite her out with your friends, make sure she has a fun time, not the other way around. It's about her, not you.

 

[guitaronfire411]

I know. I thought going caveman would get her to relent a second time. Sadly, it did the opposite. The first time I cavemanned her, I managed to disfuse her pitiful "No, don't" and finger her hard for a minute -- while she was pushing herself into it. This was the first time that she was angry at me and she just mouthed off for a bit and then called me later, complaining that "You don't listen to me".

She's already phoned me twice in the last two hours and left me two messages on Facebook. How can I go about talking to her and getting me over soon (to get my stuff) without breaking up with her on the phone here?

quotes:
"I just called you... no answer"
"I called again no answer"

 

[guitaronfire411]

Just got off the phone and was nice.

I did some small chat, like, "Yeah, just got back and watched a movie. Constantine."

"Oh yeah, I liked that movie."

"Yeah, it was pretty good."

"Ya know....this relationship thing isn't working out. Maybe we should just be friends?"

She agreed and said that she was okay with it.

"Yeah, I got the impression that you've been wanting to leave for a while." <- more honesty than most DJs

"You're okay with it?" or "Is that okay with you?" (??)

"Yeah."

"Have a good night."
"Bye."

~
Don't remember everything, but that was mainly it. It was so sudden.

And that was that. She didn't seem to care and I can get back to writing my papers.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

Experience++

Think of the bright side of things: you're not stuck with someone who won't give you what you want, you'll be less stressed out, and you can find yourself someone better

Good luck bro

 

[DonJuan11]

Just got off the phone and was nice.

I did some small chat, like, "Yeah, just got back and watched a movie. Constantiople."

"Oh yeah, I liked that movie."

"Yeah, it was pretty good."

"Ya know....this relationship thing isn't working out. Maybe we should just be friends?"

She agreed and said that she was okay with it.

"Yeah, I got the impression that you've been wanting to leave for a while." <- more honesty than most DJs

"You're okay with it?" or "Is that okay with you?" (??)

"Yeah."

"Have a good night."
"Bye."

~
Don't remember everything, but that was mainly it. It was so sudden.

And that was that. She didn't seem to care and I can get back to writing my papers.

OK. But my advice, NEVER break it off with a girl unless she is stalking you or harassing you. Why would you? Any girl could be an opportunity for sex down the road. Unless a girl brings up a breakup, just go with the flow.

If she's not really contacting you, you don't break it off anyway. "Hi, since you haven't phoned me for 2 weeks I thought we shouldn't see each other anymore." It's not logical.

If she is contacting you like yours seems to be, again, go with the flow. Keep the road open, the option available. Even if you don't think you could have sex with her now, you could always in the future.

 

[guitaronfire411]

At first I could see your point, but then again, I was being treated like crap from nearly the very beginning. My own sense of pride was clouding the issue; I didn't want to give up in a situation that was getting progressively worse.

"Any girl could be an opportunity for sex down the road."
^^That sounds very AFC to me. It can be good advice, but it's also passive.

She told me stories about how her cheating best friend would flirt with her ("You punch like a girl") in the past last year. From there she would punch the crap out of him in the shoulder and bruise his face (?!). Then she said the other night, rather casually, that she stayed over there and watched Rome together with him... Once she said until 2AM and then kicked her out, but really, how naive does one have to be? When she was angry with me, she tried to spend the night sleeping IN HIS ROOM. The fact that her eyes were sparkling and she was saying that she hated him has stuck in my mind ever since it happened a few days ago.

I was refused sex since week one. At first it was no sex, which evolved to no tonguing in the last two weeks, and then the flakiness, and then the rare kissing. Not cool.

So I was aware of her ACTIONS, but humans are dumb and don't want to admit the truth. We love our make-believe fantasies too much for our own good.

I'll admit that I said and, on occasion, did some dumb things. The next go-around, I hope to keep it sexual and do less talking.

I have kept her as an option. I calmly said that things weren't working out and she quickly agreed to being friends.

She likely was being weird/flaking the last two weeks because ...

a) I became significantly less awesome as a person due to immobility/school b) she was stressed out and is likely mental in some form (BPD or something); mainly greedy as hell, HATES CHILDREN (****) and VERY MANIPULATIVE (kept asking me to take her to Paris or buy her stuff, which I managed to avoid except for Xmas and food that we split)
c) her best guy friend is a cheating a-hole who is too immature to maintain a LTR/sociopathic and helped sabotage things. This was what bothered me the most because he was a translator for what I was doing.
d) CHRONIC LIAR, even to her parents! If she lies to them, what stops her from lying to me?

Just would like to get one new girl that isn't crazy and then I'd be over this.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think you are learning a lot very quickly. Simply being man enough to dump a girl instead of waiting to get dumped yourself puts you in an elite percentage of guys. Usually, women do the dumping, so good for you.

She will likely eventually call you late one night while drunk and want to come over and have sex. It's up to you how you handle that.

 

[guitaronfire411]

She removed me from Facebook now. I doubt she's coming back but you never know.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

Wow, she's a b!tch! Feel good that you dodged that wacko bullet

 

[guitaronfire411]

Thanks for the support bud. I need to get out after these papers are finished.

 

[FireOnTheMountain]

When you argue, don't contest things that she says. It doesn't get anywhere.

Instead, repeat what she said and her reasons for how she feels. Then ask her why she feels that way. When she answers you, either ask her why she feels that way again, or repeat what she said and then explain how you feel [or how you want her to think you feel.]

Example: She said that my staying over was weird, and I said that her boyfriends not staying over was weird. I also added that sleeping in her bed without getting sex was weird.

Her: I think having you stay over was weird.
You[wrong]:Boyfriends not staying over is weird.
You[what you should have said]:Was it weird for me to stay over after you said you might have to sleep in your friends room?
Do not straight up ask 'How was it weird?'. She'll just say 'you don't understand' or 'I don't know'. Just say pretty much what she said with a question mark at the end.

Her: Blah blah blah blah.
You: So you feel like because I stayed in your room it, it was weird since blah blah blah blah.
Her: Blah blah some more.

Around this point, she will start to feel more relaxed and less *****y/argumentative.

You[wrong]: Boyfriends sleeping in their girlfriends bed without having sex is wierd.
You[what you should have said]: I feel like ... [whatever]

Normally you don't say these words because you want to show confidence, but in an argument this is important. Make sure to say the words I feel like ... or It's my feeling that ... . This is important because if no one can fault you for how you feel. Otherwise, she might say you are too controlling or that you don't understand her feelings.


If you don't believe me, try looking up some books on 'assertive communication.' I've read a few, but I didn't put it to work until I started my current job, in which I work every day with a very strong willed and cranky woman. At first, she would fly off the handle at me all the time and sometimes yell at me. But I started using the knowledge I read and now she only gets mad for a short period of time until I talk her out of it. It's almost funny how she goes from angry to calm so quickly. This might not be just because of the communication--I suspect she is bipolar or something, or that her birth control medication causes mood swings. But anyway, you get the idea.

 

[guitaronfire411]

Got my answer tonight.

She phoned my cell at about 9:40PM sounding angry/crabby and said how her sister told her about me messaging over Facebook.

Somehow we got talking about how I was going to the gym and it's freezing, and she asked, "Do you want me to phone you back later?" I said no, it's okay, I can talk for a few minutes.

She demanded to know what I wanted to talk about, and I explained that I wanted to talk in person. She again asked what I couldn't possibly talk about over the phone?

I explained that in my messages I felt that I wasn't /feeling/ enough affection and how the relationship didn't feel the same anymore. I said that if we had talked about this in person rather than over the phone last Thursday -- and "you know, actually communicated together" --- then things would have been different. She *****ed about me phoning late Thursday night and how she wasn't awake at all, so it didn't hit her fully. She said that I made her very, very angry and very hurt. I said that her feelings of being very, very angry (I said this jokingly) were justified. She said that it [the relationship] was dead (uh, duh, I broke-up with you last Thursday AND switched my Facebook that night) -- so what I said didn't matter anymore.

Overall, I was in a happy, devil-may-care mood. I got kind of serious when I asked about the friendship, but I didn't go past being annoyed. I let the conversation die a bit and then said in a I-don't-give-****-voice, "Yeah... it's kind of cold out here!"

She said I could pick up my stuff. (W00T! That's all I really cared about anymore, .... ANCHORMAN and Monty Python's Quest For The Holy Grail is worth more than this relationship, anyways.) I suggested Friday because I'm only on campus for two days and she said that she was too busy teaching classes that day and that Monday evening would be best. (Of course, you've got your monkey branch so it's all peaches for you!)

I screwed up and asked her if she was interested in being friends still and she said something non-committal (not 'I don't know' but close and not promising, like 'Not sure yet'). Is there any way that I can get her to take the friendship role?

I'm just glad that I broke up with her when I did, when the pre-**** was hitting the fan. Plus, I'm getting my stuff back.....for better or for worse.

Any chance that she wants me over there for anything else? I must have really hit her unexpectedly. When I dumped her and offered friendship, she wanted to know if I was okay with it.... so I'm assuming she wanted me around as a **** buddy...

I'm thinking of saying, "Hey, if your next boyfriend doesn't workout, give me a shout" or "If you get lonely, you can always give me a call" with a smile.

 

[Bible_Belt]

ANCHORMAN and Monty Python's Quest For The Holy Grail is worth more than this relationship, anyways.

 

[guitaronfire411]

Hmm..this is getting interesting again.

She's added me back onto Facebook and said that Monday is no good --- judging from her FB, she's been sick ever since I dumped her ass. She wanted to let me know that she's still sick+mad at me in a message.

I'm NOT getting back into a traditional relationship with her. How good are my chances at getting her into an open relationship?

 

[CFERD]

Your chances appear slim to none. A girl not giving it up when your a couple more than likely isn't going to suddenly feel that sexual attraction. Most here will tell you when a relationship hits end game, more often than not your done. I agree. Had there been sex maybe she'd miss that and go with the open relationship your thinking about. Seems unlikely. From reading your posts it sounds like this girl saw you as only wanting sex and not respecting her. I think dismissing her "no Don't' so early on was the biggest mistake.One week in is too early for some girls. Almost all girls will call after a few days when you end things, I wouldn't take it as a sign of interest. She's protecting her self esteem, and trying to switch it up where she ends things on her own terms. Two movies that aren't even worth ten dollars are a feeble excuse to continue talking with her. Having been there I can tell you the best thing for your head is to move on. How fast you get over this really is entirely up to you..

 

[guitaronfire411]

She's now saying "we need to talk...i dunno when?" over Facebook.

This would make sense if we were in a relationship, but we're not.

 

[ontopfrombehind]

'We need to talk' from a woman is rarely a good thing. It's never a good thing, actually.

 

[guitaronfire411]

I know. I just want my stuff back, really. Saves me $20-$30.

 

[OneEyedJack]

It isn't a "we" that needs to talk. It is a "she" needs to talk.