217
Don Juan
Habit Modification 101
Introduction
So I'm not exactly the suavest of the SoSuave community, but I am definitely making more rapid progress than I thought I would. When I gave SS a shot 5 years ago, I thought it was all about technique. Not that I'm back, I am rapidly learning - it's about habit modification.
Choices evolve into habits
Research has shown that most of your life is habit based. Oftentimes, things in life began as choices and evolved into habit. Think about when you first started driving (If you haven't yet, maybe you should be on the High School forum). When you backed out of the driveway, you were nervous. You had to buckle up, adjust your mirrors, turn the key clockwise and let go at just the right time, place your foot on brake, shift until you hit "R", turn over your shoulder and start backing up. You had to coordinate your steering with the pressure on the pedals. Should you use the gas or brake? And oh yeah, you have to steer left to go right. Remember backing onto the road? You probably weren't in the best position.
Now you can probably do this in half the time, with your radio on and not breaking a sweat. Your mirrors are already adjusted. You probably don't have to look for the "R" anymore, you just feel it. You know that sweet spot to crank the wheel and end up in the right spot on the road. The reason is because it simply became a habit. Now you don't need nearly the effort. The neurons in your brain that were previously firing rapidly are now free for different activities (Like getting your mind around a great Pook post). Essentially, we are moving activities around in our brain. Backing that car out of the driveway started, very actively, on the most evolved outer edges of your brain. Now, it is much closer to the primal center of your brain - somewhere near walking or opening a doorknob.
How to create new positive habits
The cycle of creating a new habit is actually pretty simple in theory. Like almost anything else in life, implementation can be another story. Let's use my newest Don Juan related habit, effective kino, as a habit.
Start with the end in mind
Okay, so I want to form a new habit. I want to apply kino like a pro. This goal can be broken down into many small habits. I tried to think of which one I would be most successful for me to start with. I have a great natural ability at humor. So my goal is to apply kino every time I make an HB laugh. Simply enough right? No, you need a reason. Well, in the grand scheme of things, I know that doing this will help me **** hot women. Motivation enough! I have to keep that in the back of my mind.
Step 1: The triggering stimulus
A stimulus is the event that triggers you to "act" on the habit. Feeling hungry would trigger you to get something to eat. The light turning red would trigger you to place your foot on the brake. While these things are natural and well ingrained, some things aren't. For me, a woman laughing was not enough of a natural trigger to Kino her. So i consciously thought of it, every time a woman laughs I make an effort to Kino.
Step 2: The action
So I just told her that her gloves make her look like a HoBo and it's kind of embarassing me! (You know, with the fingers cut out) She laughs! That's my triggering stimulus, I have to act. As she laughs, I reach over and grab her hand, stroking her fingers and make eye contact. "You know HB, you have beautiful fingers for a homeless girl though." Then I let go. That's a good effective kino moment for a starting DJ.
Step 3: The reward
With most of my habits, I have to create arbitrary rewards. For example, I put Reese's Pieces in my vitamin/supplement trays. When I take all my pills, I pop 2-3 Reese's Pieces. It's very effective. I've gotten to the point where I crave Reese's Pieces and can't wait for my next supplement time. For this example of Kino, I find that the positive reaction from the HB is rewarding enough. The problem is, it isn't consistent. What if she reacts with a big smile one time and returns Kino the other. They are both great, but not consistent enough to form a habit. So what do I do? I say to myself (Read: NOT out load), "Tonight I'm ****ing you."
When the going gets tough
This is all great advice when things are going well. You're at your favorite bar hitting on an HB you're confident you can close on. Imagine a smoker who quit. They used to smoke on lunch break, but they've replaced the habit with talking to coworkers in the break room. Now, they've been moved to a different department and don't know anybody. This is where it gets tough. Like when you meet that HB and your AFC one-itis gland starts eating your DJ gland. You think this girl is different, for some god awful reason, and you just wanna talk or text or [insert your favorite AFC move here].
In order to get through these times, you have to believe wholeheartedly that there is a larger purpose to the habit then just the reward. This is the difference between alcoholics who relapse when they experience a major negative life event versus the ones who don't. Typically, the one's who don't relapse believe in God. Now I'm not preaching or saying the good lord wants you to get *****....I'm saying they found a higher purpose.
You're going to have to find your higher purpose to each habit. For me, Kino on a regular basis is about having sex. But when I struggle with it, I need a much higher purpose. I think about the fact that effective Kino is going to give me options and that means I will never have to marry or be with an immature attention ***** again. It's increasing my odds of having a happier life and finding a partner that can be good to my children.
Sticking to it
In order to stick to your new habit, you need a clear goal and accountability. Follow these steps, but tell somebody about your new goal. For me, PMing and talking to fellow DJs is effective for me. They keep me on par. More on this later though, I've gotta run.
Thanks for reading this, I hope you liked it. If anybody's interested, I will make a post called "Habit Modification 201: Changing old negative habits".
I hope this helps people....because you guys have sure helped me. It's been the conversations on the forum that have helped me most...not reading techniques. It's important to see that there are real people here. And hey, if it didn't help anybody else, it helped me!
Introduction
So I'm not exactly the suavest of the SoSuave community, but I am definitely making more rapid progress than I thought I would. When I gave SS a shot 5 years ago, I thought it was all about technique. Not that I'm back, I am rapidly learning - it's about habit modification.
Choices evolve into habits
Research has shown that most of your life is habit based. Oftentimes, things in life began as choices and evolved into habit. Think about when you first started driving (If you haven't yet, maybe you should be on the High School forum). When you backed out of the driveway, you were nervous. You had to buckle up, adjust your mirrors, turn the key clockwise and let go at just the right time, place your foot on brake, shift until you hit "R", turn over your shoulder and start backing up. You had to coordinate your steering with the pressure on the pedals. Should you use the gas or brake? And oh yeah, you have to steer left to go right. Remember backing onto the road? You probably weren't in the best position.
Now you can probably do this in half the time, with your radio on and not breaking a sweat. Your mirrors are already adjusted. You probably don't have to look for the "R" anymore, you just feel it. You know that sweet spot to crank the wheel and end up in the right spot on the road. The reason is because it simply became a habit. Now you don't need nearly the effort. The neurons in your brain that were previously firing rapidly are now free for different activities (Like getting your mind around a great Pook post). Essentially, we are moving activities around in our brain. Backing that car out of the driveway started, very actively, on the most evolved outer edges of your brain. Now, it is much closer to the primal center of your brain - somewhere near walking or opening a doorknob.
How to create new positive habits
The cycle of creating a new habit is actually pretty simple in theory. Like almost anything else in life, implementation can be another story. Let's use my newest Don Juan related habit, effective kino, as a habit.
Start with the end in mind
Okay, so I want to form a new habit. I want to apply kino like a pro. This goal can be broken down into many small habits. I tried to think of which one I would be most successful for me to start with. I have a great natural ability at humor. So my goal is to apply kino every time I make an HB laugh. Simply enough right? No, you need a reason. Well, in the grand scheme of things, I know that doing this will help me **** hot women. Motivation enough! I have to keep that in the back of my mind.
Step 1: The triggering stimulus
A stimulus is the event that triggers you to "act" on the habit. Feeling hungry would trigger you to get something to eat. The light turning red would trigger you to place your foot on the brake. While these things are natural and well ingrained, some things aren't. For me, a woman laughing was not enough of a natural trigger to Kino her. So i consciously thought of it, every time a woman laughs I make an effort to Kino.
Step 2: The action
So I just told her that her gloves make her look like a HoBo and it's kind of embarassing me! (You know, with the fingers cut out) She laughs! That's my triggering stimulus, I have to act. As she laughs, I reach over and grab her hand, stroking her fingers and make eye contact. "You know HB, you have beautiful fingers for a homeless girl though." Then I let go. That's a good effective kino moment for a starting DJ.
Step 3: The reward
With most of my habits, I have to create arbitrary rewards. For example, I put Reese's Pieces in my vitamin/supplement trays. When I take all my pills, I pop 2-3 Reese's Pieces. It's very effective. I've gotten to the point where I crave Reese's Pieces and can't wait for my next supplement time. For this example of Kino, I find that the positive reaction from the HB is rewarding enough. The problem is, it isn't consistent. What if she reacts with a big smile one time and returns Kino the other. They are both great, but not consistent enough to form a habit. So what do I do? I say to myself (Read: NOT out load), "Tonight I'm ****ing you."
When the going gets tough
This is all great advice when things are going well. You're at your favorite bar hitting on an HB you're confident you can close on. Imagine a smoker who quit. They used to smoke on lunch break, but they've replaced the habit with talking to coworkers in the break room. Now, they've been moved to a different department and don't know anybody. This is where it gets tough. Like when you meet that HB and your AFC one-itis gland starts eating your DJ gland. You think this girl is different, for some god awful reason, and you just wanna talk or text or [insert your favorite AFC move here].
In order to get through these times, you have to believe wholeheartedly that there is a larger purpose to the habit then just the reward. This is the difference between alcoholics who relapse when they experience a major negative life event versus the ones who don't. Typically, the one's who don't relapse believe in God. Now I'm not preaching or saying the good lord wants you to get *****....I'm saying they found a higher purpose.
You're going to have to find your higher purpose to each habit. For me, Kino on a regular basis is about having sex. But when I struggle with it, I need a much higher purpose. I think about the fact that effective Kino is going to give me options and that means I will never have to marry or be with an immature attention ***** again. It's increasing my odds of having a happier life and finding a partner that can be good to my children.
Sticking to it
In order to stick to your new habit, you need a clear goal and accountability. Follow these steps, but tell somebody about your new goal. For me, PMing and talking to fellow DJs is effective for me. They keep me on par. More on this later though, I've gotta run.
Thanks for reading this, I hope you liked it. If anybody's interested, I will make a post called "Habit Modification 201: Changing old negative habits".
I hope this helps people....because you guys have sure helped me. It's been the conversations on the forum that have helped me most...not reading techniques. It's important to see that there are real people here. And hey, if it didn't help anybody else, it helped me!
