Guy I work with was cheated on.

[5string]

Pretty sad story.

I work with this guy. Total AFC but a good guy. I like him. He was a family man, is a good father and works hard. Married, has three kids.

I don't know how he found them, but they were emails between his wife and some Lt.Col who just got back from Iraq. He's married with three kids of his own. There were many emails and very graphic. You get the picture. This guy was her next door neighbor and friend when she was little.

Anyway, he confronts her. She asks for a divorce and he agrees. Thing is that she wants to take his kids across the country and move into a house nearby the other guy. The guy at work says no. She won't take no for an answer. They get lawyers. Her lawyer get's fed up with her and fires her so she's pro se at this point. The law here is that she can't take the kids out of state without his permission. Litigation has been going on for more than 2 yrs. Guy at work was making the house payment so his kids had a roof over their heads. He's been living with his parents to get by and living hand to mouth. He's in his late 40's.

What really gets me here is that he just found out some other guy from out of state has been driving here from several states away and has been shacking up with his soon to be ex in the same house with his kids! Oh, and the guy across the country's wife does not know about the emails or their plans to hook up.

I asked him if he thought about contacting the wife of the soldier and spilling the beans. He said yes, he'd thought about it, but decided not to ruin another family.

I told him I admired him for that. That's what I was trying to get across.

 

[rbd]

I think it depends. While I don't think anyone would say that they don't want to NOT know, I do believe that ignorance is bliss for most. That can especially be the case if they have kids together.

There is also the safety issue as well (how many others has he cheated on her with, STDs, etc). Personally, I'd want to know. It gets it out in the open and forces me to act, but at the same time the knowledge will normally lead to a lot of suffering.

In the case of your friend at work, what I find commendable about his behavior was that he gave conscious thought about it and did what he thought was right. With a lot of folks their actions in this regard are just knee-jerk and non-principled.

 

[5string]

rbd...agree. But you have to give the guy at work some credit. He thought it out and decided not to ruin the soldiers family by telling his wife about the emails and what they contained. If he had, it probably would have deepened the already present scars between himself and his cheating ex, thus affecting whatever relationship that remains between himself and his children.

This is what can happen to a family when a spouse get's caught cheating.

 

[Desdinova]

Anyway, he confronts her. She asks for a divorce and he agrees. Thing is that she wants to take his kids across the country and move into a house nearby the other guy.

And that's one of the many reasons why I didn't confront my ex-wife about the cheating. Due to her actions, the relationship is obviously finished. Why make it more problematic with facts and truths? My ex was more than happy to continue lying to me about the guy she cheated with. I figure it'll only make things more complicated for her, so let her suffer.

When a relationship is dead, there's no reason to bring up any of the problems in it. It's dead, so leave it and move on.

 

[Falcon25]

Try to surround yourself with positive people. Don't listen to this crap. Who knows what he did to her to push her to do this. He is not an angel in this. Stay away from dysfunctional things. Surround yourself with positivity.

 

[backbreaker]

I'd honestly let the kids go at this point, for the sake of everyone moving on, as long as he got to keep the kids for the summer or something. That sucks, it really really does, but it's, unless he thinks she is just an unfit mother which I don't think is the case, the lesser of two evils. He needs to turn the page.

Him holding on, I mean, I think deep down he knows his wife isn't oging to change her mind. It's like being burned, and keeping your hand on the stove. cut the stove off man and go get some ice. He can stop making house payments, and can probably even sale the house or at least move back in, start to peice together a new life. He can't do that now.

 

[Strelok]

It should be the "lt.col" to pay the home fees not the poor guy,wtf you fvck his wife and ruin his family the less you can do is at least set free the man from his duties.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Falcon25 speaks the truth.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear 5String,
This is a terrible story.....Your friend is better leaving Sleeping Dogs Lie with the Soldiers Wife,in fact Her ability to romance the half Colonel,is the only hope your friend has...probably as much chance as a Snowball in Hell...Our Soldier has been starved of Female company for what?Six Months?...he is a good age Man to have that rank and Wifey and who knows who else may well take the sting out of his tail...When I came Back from Asia,All I did was sleep for a week,I just lay in Bed and let my body heal,and I was a young Man.....This whole thing is in their Head....There is a Moral here,for all you young blokes and while I appreciate Falcons comments,Your friend could well be an Angel,but wings are no substitute for a half Colonels uniform,the Medals,his bearing and well earned respect....And again Des'comment "When a relationship is dead, there's no reason to bring up any of the problems in it. It's dead, so leave it and move on."Hes so right,but you have to experience this...What a Gory Mess.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

I commend your work buddy, he is keeping a level head, especially by taking the higher road and staying out of the colonel's business. By all means he should exercise his legal right to retain the children in state, and possibly sue for custody if he so desires. Most jurisdictions agree - even if the wife has custody she cannot move the children out of jurisdictions (i.e. county, state) without the husband's consent.

Why any husband would ever agree to such terms on top of paying child support is beyond me. I would stop my ex cold before she even dare move my younger son out of state.

 

[The Duke]

The good thing about this ole world we live in is.........every thing that goes around comes around. He'll get his day in the sun.

 

[Bible_Belt]

He lost her long before the other guy took her. People don't cheat when they're happy.

 

[runner83]

Pretty sad story.

I asked him if he thought about contacting the wife of the soldier and spilling the beans. He said yes, he'd thought about it, but decided not to ruin another family.

I told him I admired him for that. That's what I was trying to get across.

A very sad story and an illustration of what can happen when you don't stand up for yourself.

I also admire his control in not spilling the beans to the colonel's family.

It's a bit outside my experience since I've never been married or have kids and am not sure if I ever plan to. However, personally, if it was me, I would do everything I could to break up his family.

Perhaps this signals I still have some way to go on my journey to becoming a "mature man", but sometimes you must stand up for yourself to ensure you don't become a door mat.

It is a bit too late perhaps, but better late than never.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Runner,
"However, personally, if it was me, I would do everything I could to break up his family."I am also a good Hater,but our Soldier will not be the only one to suffer....Think of the Kids....Many of these guys,when push comes to shove,back out of their undertakings,quick smart and go back to Mumsie....A few years ago I was listening to a Wife reminiscing about her Hubbie coming back after a Dirty Week with a Young Lady of the Village...."And the Basvard had the cheek to bring his dirty washing with him and expected me to wash it"

 

[runner83]

Dear Runner,
"However, personally, if it was me, I would do everything I could to break up his family."I am also a good Hater,but our Soldier will not be the only one to suffer....Think of the Kids....Many of these guys,when push comes to shove,back out of their undertakings,quick smart and go back to Mumsie....A few years ago I was listening to a Wife reminiscing about her Hubbie coming back after a Dirty Week with a Young Lady of the Village...."And the Basvard had the cheek to bring his dirty washing with him and expected me to wash it"

Yes, I can see that point of view. I would only not do it for the sake of the kids.

Also something I didn't pick up in the first reading:

I don't know how he found them, but they were emails between his wife and some Lt.Col who just got back from Iraq. He's married with three kids of his own. There were many emails and very graphic. You get the picture. This guy was her next door neighbor and friend when she was little.

Did they every actually have s8x, or was it only some raunchy e-mails?

If the second case, then yes, breaking up the family is probably a bit extreme.

I mean, having fantasies is only normal so if she didn't act out on them, how is that any worse than a married guy looking at some porno (apart from the fact they knew each other once)?

 

[backbreaker]

This is the part that boggles my mind.

So he moved out, thus giving her default custody, makes payments for her and presumably to her, and then lives with his Parents?

I cannot commend such action. To say you won't let the kids move out but then turn around and abandom them in that manner is ridiculous.

To top it off, he has rewarded his wife by automatically giving her custody. I just don't understand why men do this. WTF is wrong with these guys? Don't leave the house and the children with her BEFORE any proceedings. Make her leave, that's just fvkced up.

That's my whole point. he is contradicting himself.

If he really wanted the kids he would have made her leave the house and kept the kids.

He doesn't want to keep the kids. I mean I'm not saying he's a bad father, I'm just saing that isn't the heart of the situation. He isn't fighting for her to stay becuase he is just that damn good a dad or he can't live without his kids, hes doing it becuase her leaving would put the last nail in the coffin and he isn't ready for that yet.

Take a step back and realize that he is doing his best, to keep the "family" in as much tact as possible. it's all there but him in the same house. I don't think that's by any stretch of coincidence, in the hopes that she will realize she is wrong and he can move back in and all is forgiven and it would be like nothing ever happened.

I have a son obviously and while I love the little knucklehead to death, of this situation above happened to me, while I would miss seeing my son every day and I know I would miss watching him grow up on a daily basis, I would let her go. She is a damn good mother and I know he will be taken care of and raised right, at the end of the day that's all that matters.

It's not worth, everyone being miserable. Her being miserable becuase she can't leave, me being miserable watching her getting laid by someone else, her going out of her way to have dates over her house when i go pick the kid up, that would go on and on and on and while you can forget it or try to block it out, it's there. The kid being miserable because he has to watch his parents fight all the time.

Just let her go. I would rather my son be happy and only seeing me in the summers and maybe on holidays, then see him everyday and everyone including myself be miserable. It sucks, but these are the decisions I have to live iwth when I decided to have a child.

 

[PokerStar]

nevermind the adult parties involved. this will screw up the kids, no matter what.

 

[mrRuckus]

Yeah, with the current state of things this pretty much cements that I'll never have children.

I'm a low complications kind of guy, and now while i watch my nephews grow up i start to think of having my own kids but this sort of thing just puts the brakes on the whole idea because with the way things are you can just end up enslaved/tied to a woman on her whim.

Nooooo thanks.

 

[squirrels]

Yeah, with the current state of things this pretty much cements that I'll never have children.

I'm a low complications kind of guy, and now while i watch my nephews grow up i start to think of having my own kids but this sort of thing just puts the brakes on the whole idea because with the way things are you can just end up enslaved/tied to a woman on her whim.

Nooooo thanks.

That's why you have to make sure you pick a good woman, instead of just selling out to whatever skirt you've been banging the longest. (like 99% of men in the 21st century do)

 

[Nutz]

Pretty sad story.

I work with this guy. Total AFC but a good guy. I like him. He was a family man, is a good father and works hard. Married, has three kids.

I don't know how he found them, but they were emails between his wife and some Lt.Col who just got back from Iraq. He's married with three kids of his own. There were many emails and very graphic. You get the picture. This guy was her next door neighbor and friend when she was little.

Anyway, he confronts her. She asks for a divorce and he agrees. Thing is that she wants to take his kids across the country and move into a house nearby the other guy. The guy at work says no. She won't take no for an answer. They get lawyers. Her lawyer get's fed up with her and fires her so she's pro se at this point. The law here is that she can't take the kids out of state without his permission. Litigation has been going on for more than 2 yrs. Guy at work was making the house payment so his kids had a roof over their heads. He's been living with his parents to get by and living hand to mouth. He's in his late 40's.

What really gets me here is that he just found out some other guy from out of state has been driving here from several states away and has been shacking up with his soon to be ex in the same house with his kids! Oh, and the guy across the country's wife does not know about the emails or their plans to hook up.

I asked him if he thought about contacting the wife of the soldier and spilling the beans. He said yes, he'd thought about it, but decided not to ruin another family.

I told him I admired him for that. That's what I was trying to get across.

Your buddy isn't keeping his eye on the prize and being nice about the other guy's situation is hampering his own ability to win his case. If the other guy's wife found out about him cheating there's a very good chance his own turmoil will impact his own ex's relationship and could give him the leverage needed to A) get the kids and B) stop the kids from being around the other guy to begin with.

This case is just another example of why states should have a default 50/50 custody system in place. And anytime one parent feels the other parent shouldn't get the kids 50% of the time that they'd have to show damn good cause. If applied to the situation at hand, there's almost no possibility the judge would let the woman take the kids with her and she'd be forced to stay since they're already in an established life, school, and so on.