Guy friends

[CaptFinnBad]

So been getting to know this women which I like and we're hitting it off.

I want to see where it goes. She's been single for a long time and has a few guy hiking buddies.

A girlfriend going off on 1 on 1 hiking trips with dudes isn't something I'm going to accept if we end up going long term.


Super early in the relationship. Ovbioulsly she can do whatever she wants. She's her own person.

It's just something I won't accept in a relationship.

I want to make it clear it's a deal breaker for me.

She might be one of these women who has lots of guy friends. Which is totally fine.

Just that's not someone I want to spend energy on. I want it to be clear where I stand.

Ovbioulsly there is a right and wring way I can go about this.

Dunno if this is relevant or not but she is way more into me that I am her at the moment.


Advise how to approach this?

 

[Robert28]

Don’t bring it up is what you do. Forget thinking long term with this girl for now and date other women AND her. Let HER bring up the “where is this going” talk and THEN that’s when you say “I would love to get more serious with you but I’m hesitant due to the fact that you have a lot of guy friends it seems like.” Then SHE can decide what she wants to do after that. If she says she won’t get rid of then say fine no problem, and leave her.

 

[DonJuanjr]

If she says she won’t get rid of then say fine no problem, and leave her.

If he had her as a plate up until this point, why leave her and not just keep her as a plate?

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I'm not really into spinning plates . I like the girlfriend thing.

I don't struggle with women. I could easily replace her and I think she knows that.

I don't really want to play games.

 

[Robert28]

If he had her as a plate up until this point, why leave her and not just keep her as a plate?

Well if she gets to where she wants to move the relationship into more serious territory but keep her guy friends then she ain’t gonna stick around anyways when he says “no deal”

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Don’t bring it up is what you do. Forget thinking long term with this girl for now and date other women AND her. Let HER bring up the “where is this going” talk and THEN that’s when you say “I would love to get more serious with you but I’m hesitant due to the fact that you have a lot of guy friends it seems like.” Then SHE can decide what she wants to do after that. If she says she won’t get rid of then say fine no problem, and leave her.

She's always saying **** like this to me and trying to figure me out.

So talk to her about it when she brings it up.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Well if she gets to where she wants to move the relationship into more serious territory but keep her guy friends then she ain’t gonna stick around anyways when he says “no deal”

Agreed. I'm trying to find a good fit.

She's ****ing awesome, But trekking up a mountain 1 on 1 with random dude isn't going to be a good fit for me.

Hense why I want to approach this sooner rather than later.

Could be jumping the gun?

 

[Stuffnu]

There is nothing wrong with a girl having guy friends. Chances are they’re orbiting betas, gay or just a hiking/running group.

Regardless, Its up to you to figure out her intentions and watch for red flags. This is something you should be doing anyways.
A girl who is interested will want to be around you. She’ll likely invite you to these hikes or other social events. She express to you directly or even subconsciously they are no threat.
However, If she’s secretive, resists or makes excuses for not involving you when out with these friends is a flag.
But don’t stop there. Simply watch her body language around him/them. Idle chit chat between friends should be no concern. If she appears to be flirtatious (locking eyes, touchy, giggling), then something more nefarious is likely going on.

Give it a go and don’t lose an opportunity over a concern that may not exist.
Worst case, plate and get laid.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

There is nothing wrong with a girl having guy friends. Chances are they’re orbiting betas, gay or just a hiking/running group.

Regardless, Its up to you to figure out her intentions and watch for red flags. This is something you should be doing anyways.
A girl who is interested will want to be around you. She’ll likely invite you to these hikes or other social events. She express to you directly or even subconsciously they are no threat.
However, If she’s secretive, resists or makes excuses for not involving you when out with these friends is a flag.
But don’t stop there. Simply watch her body language around him/them. Idle chit chat between friends should be no concern. If she appears to be flirtatious (locking eyes, touchy, giggling), then something more nefarious is likely going on.

Give it a go and don’t lose an opportunity over a concern that may not exist.
Worst case, plate and get laid.

I'm not concerned or threatened by these guys.

I think she genuinely believes I'm the best guy she's ever had in her life.


I'm looking at our potential long term. Even doing some 1 on 1 with some platonic goofball doesn't sit right with me.

 

[Black Widow Void]

As a fellow man, I understand totally where you’re coming from.

A: You don’t want to be sending her a greenlight to what she’s doing is OK when it isn’t.

B: You don’t want to become invested in this woman while she is also invested and going on hikes with another man.

Unfortunately, women will not process this the same way. If you speak too soon, she will see you as jealous, possessive and/or insecure. This will also take any challenge away from her because you were showing your cards. Normally, I like to throw a little gray in there and say there are exceptions to the rule, but in this scenario, I don’t think it stands a chance. Sorry to say that.

Yes, I understand that you don’t like playing games. I don’t either, but I understand enough of psychology to realize that certain methods / approaches have to be practiced to obtain the end goal.

You will have to be calm and cool for there to be any evolvement with her, but you will probably end up hating yourself for engaging in this type of process. You’ll likely discover the trade-off of these type of terms is never worth the payout.

 

[Striker_93]

The best course of action is no action.

Proceed as normal and let the chips fall where they may, don't speak on it, don't think on it.

Meet other women

And if you're not fcking this girl then one of her hiking buddies is.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

As a fellow man, I understand totally where you’re coming from.

A: You don’t want to be sending her a greenlight to what she’s doing is OK when it isn’t.

B: You don’t want to become invested in this woman while she is also invested and going on hikes with another man.

Unfortunately, women will not process this the same way. If you speak too soon, she will see you as jealous, possessive and/or insecure. This will also take any challenge away from her because you were showing your cards. Normally, I like to throw a little gray in there and say there are exceptions to the rule, but in this scenario, I don’t think it stands a chance. Sorry to say that.

Yes, I understand that you don’t like playing games. I don’t either, but I understand enough of psychology to realize that certain methods / approaches have to be practiced to obtain the end goal.

You will have to be calm and cool for there to be any evolvement with her, but you will probably end up hating yourself for engaging in this type of process. You’ll likely discover the trade-off of these type of terms is never worth the payout.

I think this going to be a difficult situation for me to navigate.

As it's genuinely causing me to lose attraction.

It's not a conscious thing. I think it just gives me doubts about her and is making me take a step back.

Which she is going to notice sooner rather than later. So inevitable it's going to come to a head,

 

[Kdw8]

Let her have her friends. If you step out of line and cross boundaries like that, those same guy friends will be there to show her the red flags in her relationship, nobody wants to be shunned out a friendship, bc a boyfriend came into the picture.

 

[bat soup]

Agreed. I'm trying to find a good fit.

She's ****ing awesome, But trekking up a mountain 1 on 1 with random dude isn't going to be a good fit for me.

Hense why I want to approach this sooner rather than later.

Could be jumping the gun?

Tell her it's ok as long her hiking buddy doesn't pitch a tent.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Ever-so-slightly-OT:

Every time I've come across a chick with tons of male "friends", "I am one of the guys", "I prefer hanging out with men (so I can manipulate them and attention *****), than women", it always ends up being the same thing: she's banged or has banged most of them in the past and/or has questionable morals. Often she’s used to being pandered to by men that want the poon but don’t care in general if she has a bf or not as well so her expectations in a relationship is of having a lot of freedom to do what she wants as opposed to what’s required to keep the attention of a high quality male. In short: they’re very poor candidates for relationships. They often don’t realize that the men she’s used to hanging around and/or has had relationships with are banging a lot of other chicks themselves.

Now, if you're spinning plates and don't care about their monogamy to you this is not an issue. I find that younger generations don't mind this much (meaning the bulk of you guys), for me, I want to have chicks that are only ****ing me in my mini-harem.

I wonder why it seems that the younger generation is ok with sharing snatch with others?

If shes hot AF and you value her enough to put any modicum of effort into her it’s going to be an uphill battle to require her brain. It sometimes works of in the short term, but she will always be fighting against her nature to provide you what you want.

Even the simpiest of simps knows instinctively that a woman with a lot of male “friends” is not a good choice, unfortunately most men will do anything to wet their wicks and her behaviors are perpetuated.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Its over for HikingBoyCels

Op you are already losing attraction for her. Chances are this is not gonna work. Focus on other girls.

 

[Toddz]

Exactly what Robert28 said

Don't bring it up. Remain cool, confident, and secure.

Continue having sex with her and dating other women.

If she does mention a relationship with you a few months from now, then you tell her that you can't take her serious about a relationship because of your boundaries.

 

[SoSuave666]

Now, if you're spinning plates and don't care about their monogamy to you this is not an issue. I find that younger generations don't mind this much (meaning the bulk of you guys), for me, I want to have chicks that are only ****ing me in my mini-harem.

This is exactly how I feel, for me I would much rather have 2 or 3 plates that I see regularly and we enjoy each other’s time. In order to be in plate status 1-3 the requirement is you are respectful to me. High interest women will be feminine and respectful, even exclusive For a time. She is free to break that boundary, but she will also be demoted to plate 5 (F buddy) or dismissed entirely. And there are no redos. I have no animosity to them for leaving or breaking that boundary, because I will not commit to a monogamous relationship with them. I have found women to be much more willing to share a high value man than the reverse.

But somewhere along the line the younger guys have flipped the power script and are completely fine sharing women. that dynamic is not sustainable, women do not function well with power.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I have many female friends. There is zero chance my GF would let me go hiking with one. Likewise. If she wanted to spend time with a male friend - that’s a NO.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

So I approached the subject.

Actually the other night we were having the best night together, really intimate, great sex e.t.c.

She actually brought it up and said it didn't feel acceptable her going and explained she had these trips booked when she were single and they were arranged well in advance.

Then mentioned she could just cancel them if I wanted.

I didn't want to tell her to cancel the trips. Instead I flipped the subject and explained how I find a little possiveness in a relationship really hot (which I do). Explained the difference between trust, controling and possesivness (as in protective/territorial).

So a little bit if possessive play between us. We were both getting off on it. Went home.


When I got home she re introduced the subject. I explained it's not the values I hold in a relationship.


Told her about a girl I was getting exclusive with until she went on an over night trip with a male friend. I hold her how I lost attraction to the women, re framed the relationship , I stopped being exclusive and it's actually how I ended up meeting my ex I was with 7 years.


I explained what attracted to me to her is her possesivness over me. It reflected my own values back to me.


So the girl I'm seeing got a bit insecure asking me if I see us as exclusive (she clearly knows we are) .

Telling me she wants to cancel the trip. E.t.c.


I told her it was all a **** situation for us to be in.

1. Her going away on hikes with guys is not a value I'm looking for in a long term partner.

2. It's not my place to stop her doing something she wants to do. I will not control someone like that and tell them what they can or can't do. It's not who I am.

I told her the situation we are in is lose, lose for both of us regardless of outcome.


She asks if she's jeopardised what we're building.

She agrees it's totally unnacceptable going on the hikes. She's so sorry she put us in this lose lose situation.

Explains how they were arranged months before meeting me, she's going to cancel the hikes as they don't matter. I'm what's important to her.


She didn't sleep all night and she's been stressed today.


It's actually been a bit **** for me too. These retarded hikes have put a barrier between us. Screwed up the natural flow.


So I go see her tonight. Says she will never ever put me in that situation ever again. Building something with me is important.


Explained that this is not the type of person she is, Explained how the context of the friendships, how they were arranged before meeting me e.t.c.

Told me how she also see's it's totally inappropriate . This isn't a reflection of who she is as a person. They didn't sit right with her either and was only doing them out of obligation.