Guy 'friend' leaving stuff long term

[guitaronfire411]

Hey there.

This guy approached my fiance asking for help fixing his computer over a week ago. She spent considerable hours fixing it in 3-4 days. She offered to upgrade it further since it's out of date. He said he cannot afford it right away but in the next week. Now he says that he apparently cannot afford any upgrades after saying it would be upgraded by this week. His fixed computer is still there.

Clearly this guy is stepping out of his bounds by leaving his computer at my fiance's place. I have told her to return it and she said it's more convenient for her and him to keep it there so she can fix it when the time comes. I told her that having his stuff there too is detrimental and disrespecting our relationship. It's fixed, she can add new RAM+videocard weeks or months later. She says I am insecure (again) which is not true -- first time was having him come over alone on a night that she discouraged me from being there. She said she had too much to do around her apartment that night to entertain me as well. (i.e. watch shows with me) I showed up. She had told me that her friend did not know that she was getting alcohol. I checked her cell later and she had told him she was going to go to the store for alcohol and had never mentioned that I would be there in the entire conversation. Fishy.

Is this a relationship breaker? We are engaged and this should not be a big deal. She keeps saying that I am insecure but again, that is utter crap.

Now she doesn't want to see me for a few days and left our conversation.

Thoughts?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Dude... it's a friggin' computer. She's right, you ARE over-reacting. It's not like he's moving his whole apartment into her place. Tell her you're sorry for over-reacting and that you DO, in fact, trust her. And if you don't trust her, you shouldn't be with her in the first place.

 

[guitaronfire411]

It's still his **** being there when my **** is there. Guys are territorial and I don't want that computer there. Anyone else see this?

 

[backbreaker]

bro if you are this hell bent over a ****ing Pc your marriage has no hope

keep in mind, not everyone knows how to work on a PC and he probably doesn't havet he mney to take it to best buy or anything.

i'm with the GF/fiancee on this one you are out of line

i used to date/spin a girl who braided hair and there are a hand full of girls who can braid hair.. good, with designs and all that ****. all kinds of dudes over her house. it is what it is you got to toughen up

 

[guitaronfire411]

You guys aren't getting this. She didn't want me over *that particular night* and actively discouraged me from showing. She never mentioned to the guy that I was going to be there even after I showed up. Not good. That means she doesn't want to scare him away. She told the guy that she was buying alcohol and lied to me about telling him about it. She is covering her tracks.

This is the other stuff she has done in 3 years that she says makes me "insecure":

i) visiting a guy friend's house alone whilst in a relationship (and drinking)
(she stayed over one night and then said 'she felt guilty' and was thinking of us the whole time... cheated?? I never got the entire story)

ii) lying about visiting said guy's place and saying you were elsewhere
iii) when roomie wanted you to go out clubbing/drinking with her...she's single.. you're in a relationship
(had to explain that once you're there, so easy for guys to keep on hitting on ya, etc.)

iv) inviting guy over to your place alone

v) other guy leaving stuff at your place ...long term..when in a relationship.

 

[perseverance]

If you ever have doubts about the faithfulness of your woman, then your relationship isn't a secure one and insecure relationships will crumble and fall to pieces especially with an engagement hovering over it.

However her little white lie about getting/not getting alcohol would raise a small red flag with me, I would be more annoyed about the fact she was dishonest about something as trivial as alcohol, more than a guy's computer being at her apartment.

It's clear that you do not trust this woman, you invaded her privacy by snooping through her phone and clearly your nose has been well and truly bent out of shape. Quite how a marriage will work between a couple with trust issues is beyond me, but what do I know? I've never been married, nor do I intend on getting married.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

You're making an argument out of something very petty. Unless the computer is somehow able to make out with your fiance, there's no real problem with it being there.

She agreed to fix it, so until she feels the job is done she has every right to keep it there if she wants to. It doesn't mean another man is coming in on your place or your woman. The only way it would be out of bounds is if he forced her to keep it over there, which he didn't.

And yes, you ARE showing signs of insecurity. Once you have to resort to showing up unannounced at your woman's place or checking her phone, it means you're insecure and don't trust her. Again, if this is true, you shouldn't be with her.

Part of me, though, feels like the things you say she's doing is the result of you being clingy and not trusting of her in the first place. Like, she knows she couldn't tell you she had another guy friend coming over because you'd freak out about it (based on past incidents) so she chooses not to tell you. Were you not so insecure about her hanging out with other dudes when you're not around, this wouldn't be a problem.

Now, if she's given you reason in the past to not trust her when other dudes are around, you're justified. But if she hasn't, and has been faithful this whole time, then yes, you're being insecure, and making a big deal out of nothing.

 

[guitaronfire411]

She keeps pushing the boundaries when, assuming she has been in as many relationships as she indicates, she should be familiar with. Am I to blame for her silly mistakes? No way.

She claims she doesn't like me stepping in /all of the time/ but it's only when it is an action that could seriously damage our relationship.

 

[perseverance]

This is the other stuff she has done in 3 years that she says makes me "insecure":

i) visiting a guy friend's house alone whilst in a relationship (and drinking)
ii) lying about visiting said guy's place and saying you were elsewhere
iii) when roomie wanted you to go out clubbing/drinking with her...she's single.. you're in a relationship

iv) inviting guy over to your place alone

v) other guy leaving stuff at your place ...long term..when in a relationship.

i) I agree visiting a guy's house alone when you are in a relationship is a deal breaker for me, I would not want to be in a relationship with a girl who did that. I have no problem with my woman having a few male friends, but I'm not cool with 1-1 meetings, that basically equates to a date in my book.

ii) Again, that's unacceptable and such dishonesty would see me quit the relationship due to a lack of honesty and ergo a lack of trust.

iii) That's not something that would bother me, I would have no problem with my girlfriend meeting up to go on a night out with her female friend.

All in all, I can see why you don't trust this woman, her behaviour hasn't always been respectful of you. However what I cannot understand is why you are a) still with her and b) engaged to her.

You have major trust issues here and I don't think they're going to go away anytime soon, I would seriously sit down (if I was you) and consider the future this relationship has, because in my eyes, it's a poisoned one and it's dying a slow and painful death.

 

[guitaronfire411]

My ex really ****ed up my sense of trust in other people -- plus some other events when it came to running an online organization.

The fiance and I are planning on going to a free marriage consultation so we are taking active action.

 

[perseverance]

The fiance and I are planning on going to a free marriage consultation so we are taking active action.

I hope you can get your trust issues sorted out and all credit to you for seeking outside help, but there is no point in getting outside help, if you aren't prepared to try and help yourself first.

Good Luck for the future.

 

[guitaronfire411]

I forgot to mention my fiance is bipolar but on medication. She said the other day that she didn't want a serious relationship and wanted her freedom and then we screwed last night after our visitors left her apartment. Go figure.

 

[perseverance]

I forgot to mention my fiance is bipolar but on medication. She said the other day that she didn't want a serious relationship and wanted her freedom and then we screwed last night after our visitors left her apartment. Go figure.

Oh dear, I would get out of this shark infested water while my body was still intact.

 

[Down Low]

You guys aren't getting this. She didn't want me over *that particular night* and actively discouraged me from showing. She never mentioned to the guy that I was going to be there even after I showed up. Not good. That means she doesn't want to scare him away. She told the guy that she was buying alcohol and lied to me about telling him about it. She is covering her tracks.

I've never known any women who understood PC hardware and installation. It's always geeky guys offering to fix computers as a way to make "it's not a date" dates. And offering to do things for other people doesn't sound like today's modern woman. Besides, they can always get guys to do that for them. And what's with a woman trying to get a man drunk? The whole situation sounds bass ackwards and fake.

Are you gay and your "she" is actually a "he?"

This is the other stuff she has done in 3 years that she says makes me "insecure":

3 years? Did you put your foot down and draw the line? Set her straight when she went too far? No. You hemmed and hawed while she rebelled and violated your commands. You tolerated intolerable behavior for 3 years. You trained her to have zero respect for your wishes. Your relationship has been over for a long time.

i) visiting a guy friend's house alone whilst in a relationship (and drinking)
(she stayed over one night and then said 'she felt guilty' and was thinking of us the whole time... cheated?? I never got the entire story).

You got all the story you needed. She spent the night with another man. Doesn't matter if he didn't stick it in. She made herself available for it. End of relationship right there and then.

ii) lying about visiting said guy's place and saying you were elsewhere.

Women always rewrite history to clean up their reputations. Nothing strange there. That you caught her in the lie just says that you already knew about the unclean reputed event. You should never have been around afterward to hear her lies.

iii) when roomie wanted you to go out clubbing/drinking with her...she's single.. you're in a relationship
(had to explain that once you're there, so easy for guys to keep on hitting on ya, etc.).

Hypergamy. All women are slvts who are up for clubbing/drinking with strange men. Especially married women. That's why you set boundaries and walk when she violates them. Violating your boundaries shows extremely low interest in you.

iv) inviting guy over to your place alone.

Again, made herself available for sex with that guy. And made sure you knew about it later. Sounds like she wants you to fvck out of her life.

v) other guy leaving stuff at your place ...long term..when in a relationship.

Massive red flag. Take it to mean that he leaves cvm in her holes and they're both rubbing your nose in it. Don't buy the "he's just a friend" BS. Men cannot be friends of women. Men always have ulterior motives. Men are always trying to fvck women. Besides, "he left his gloves" is the oldest excuse in the book for coming back again. I find it laughable that so many "mack daddy" "geto playa" types can be so easily suckered and completely miss this red flag.

She said the other day that she didn't want a serious relationship and wanted her freedom

Crystal clear. You should have seen it coming. She's telling you it's over. So get to fvck out now. Or kick her sorry azz out now.

 

[guitaronfire411]

iv) She told me he was coming over to drop off his computer before it happened. Afterwards, she said that it was alright for me to be there when he comes over /that night/ and /in the future/ once the computer is finally finished.

So how can I get rid of that item from the apartment?

I know that men cannot be friends with women but I also know that this guy can't get a girl and even my girlfriend realizes this much.

She did tell that first guy off for trying to be more than friends and doesn't even have him on Facebook anymore. So she does comply... just not 100%.

 

[JoeMarron]

So you plan on marrying a bipolar chick that you don't trust? Think about this for a second..

 

[Aristippus]

You should have ended this relationship 3 YEARS AGO.

This will jog your memory..... http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=168083